Tuesday, December 11, 2007

"nice" guy

Anybody that guessed his dirty little secret was that he has a girlfriend gets a gold star! Douche.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Eat it, Lick it, Snort it, Fuck it

Eat It, Lick It, Snort It, F--k It

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Words to live by from the living legend that is Britney Spears. So, the good news is I am dating what appears to be a very nice man. Shocking I know. He took me out Friday to a very nice dinner and we had a great time. When the bill came, no hesitation......He met me and HottieEsq out at Stanley's last night for dins. Lots of wine was flowing. I am somewhat hung over this am but it was worth it. I like him. Still going to keep my pipeline full as we never know what to expect. He could bust out tomorrow with some unique and disturbing characteristic. Would the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse like to make guesses as to what this guy's Dirty Little Secret may be? Creativity is a bonus. Muah, Kat

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Millionaire I Never Got to Know

Is it a prerequisite if you are a guy to be retarded or mentally ill to join EHarmony? I am beginning to think that is the case. I had a date with another douche I met there, the Snake Oil Salesman. After our first meeting, my Spidey senses were tingling that something was just not right. He wasn't what he was portraying himself to be. His resume read like the phone book; many disparate and weird job done for short periods of time. His current job, although legal, struck me as one step above a loan shark. He sells $500 computers to people that do not have credit for $2000. He drank a ton and told me the previous weekend he had done X and blow all weekend. Icky. I decided to trust my gut and never go out with this guy again. Sissy went off on me and remarked that I never have anything positive to say, that a guy is not their job, sometimes I should just go out and see if something will develop over time......tough love from Sissy. So The Snake Oil Salesman called me up and asked me out again and, with Sissy's stern chastising in mind, I said yes. We went for sushi and I didn't eat much as my tummy was upset. The bill came and there was this very awkward silence as I waited for him to pick it up
(I didn't eat!!) and apparently he was waiting for me to pick it up. I am never good in these situations, so I just ate the bill. We went to the Chimney Sweep and had some beers. He drank about three to every one I had. As we talked, I found out he still lives at home, owes a ton of money from a failed t-shirt business, never graduated from college (only had one credit to go), makes $10 an hour (no wonder he didn't reach for the bill, fucking scrub,) and various other facts which I found incompatible with my Prince Charming ideal. On the way home, he said that he felt I had a wall up. I told him, in the most gentle fashion, that I felt we were in two different places blah blah blah. He began to sob. Yes. SOB. I listened to him carry on for a bit until I said that I was leaving. I mean, I have NO idea how to deal with crying. I told HottieEsq when babies cry I offer them a twenty to shut up. Rarely works. I was having trouble with my gate key and he got out of the car and helped me. Once he opened the gate, he refused to give me my keys back and began berating me. After about twenty minutes of this, I told him I would call the cops if he didn't give my keys back. He complied by whipping them into the bushes. Picture me, in a dress and platforms fishing my keys out of the bushes in the pitch black. Good times. He wouldn't leave my courtyard either. Had to threaten to call the cops again. He left. My phone was ringing as I walked up the stairs, it was him. He left the message, "when you blog about me, you should title it the Millionaire I never got to know." Done.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

If the season won't change, I will make them boys! xoxoxo Betty

I am back!

Hello Posse! I am back from my week in Chicago. Not enough time and I basically saw a doctor every day I was home. Keep your fingers crossed I don't have cancer!! I have been working the last couple of days....drank way too much wine last night. I have several guys going on Eharmony right now.....they seem very funny and have important sounding jobs so....I am cautiously optimistic. My mom loved my red hair and my 93 yr. old grandma gave me the ultimate compliment when she said, "It doesn't look as bad as I thought it would." I have over a thousand emails to work through (that is AFTER I deleted the spam) so I should be busy for a while. Missed my writing class Tuesday which is probably a good thing. I don't think I have any business being there. I am displeased with my first piece I wrote for class. Comedy writing, what the fuck was I thinking!! Going out with some of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse this weekend and hopefully will get some action going. I am starting to feel ready to date. Speaking of, I had a ManTits sighting yesterday. As I was going to work at 9 am, I drove down the street to see ManTits sitting on the curb with a couple of other losers. He was wearing a wife beater. Someone should tell him that is NOT a good look when you have DDs and no bra. I am glad to be home but I do have to say, I really miss Chicago. Sigh. Fall is nice.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Deeep thoughts...............

Ruthless: Ever see women keep their clothes on once porn music is playing? Oh hell no...Larry the plumber stops by for a clogged drain...porn music plays. WHAMMO...clothes gone, and Larry got lucky.

Ruthless: Oh what's that? You are at work...its a long day. Tiffany stops by to give you a quick backrub and in poor dialogue, tells you how you are an asset to her as an employee...BAM. porn music starts, and suddenly..she's nekkid on her desk and you are earning a promotion.

Ruthless: I am telling you. I need to start a band that plays nothing but porn music. We'd be bigger than the Beatles!..

This is an IM convo with my buddy Ruthless. He has a bumper sticker on his car that says, "Porn. It's cheaper than dating." The icing on the cake is he usually is wearing a cap that says, "Porn Star" on the front. I really want to know how men accomplish anything. Clearly, this is an idea to which he has dedicated much gray matter. I am sure I have lost most of the male readers at this point as they are fixated on the Tiffany/backrub/promotion thing. On the positive side, we haven't seen each other in a while and here is his response to my recent picture I sent him;
Ruthless: that's you? holy fuck...you keep getting hotter and hotter and younger and younger looking. i hope the devil got as good a deal; "ok devil, i get..eternal beauty...you get...to see my tits anytime you want!"
Awwww! Couldn't think of a more flattering comment. I love you men. You cannot fake that simplistic honesty. I suppose this is telling of how desperate I am....this was the highlight of my day. Ok Filthy and Gorgeous posse, I am going to struggle to stay awake until my shuttle comes in two hours and fourty minutes. Hopefully I will sleep my way to Chicago. By the way, if anyone hears from Boy Gorgeous please let me know. He is MIA and I am becoming quite worried. Love you, Kat

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Unhappy camper

Has anyone but me noticed that life is exhausting? This week has been chock full of stories about cheating spouses, out of wedlock babies, betrayal, dishonesty, pain.......my heart breaks for my friends embroiled in these horrible situations. I genuinely wonder why I am striving for something that generally ends so badly. Top it off with the regular stuff that sucks up your time; laundry, paying bills, working, cleaning......I do not know how I get it all done. I don't actually, just work whatever fire presents itself next. Couple all of this with the rest of the regular disappointments that life presents...why do we even get out of bed?? I am tired. I cannot write. I have no point of view. What the fuck am I going to write about in my comedy writing class??? I am depressed. I begin my class tonight and have a lack of material. Insecurity makes me wonder why I even thought I could write comedic pieces. Who do I think I am, fucking Kathy Griffin? I am also trying to get the hell out of Dodge....packing and cleaning. I cannot believe that my only time off this year will be spent having my cervix biopsied, my roots canaled, my teeth filled with bits of ceramic.....frankly this sucks. Being single does not go well with vacations. I am not the kind of girl that could jet off to Hawaii by myself and have a good time. I would be angerly eyeing the happy couples in love or lust or (at the bare minimum) together. I also, stupidly, booked some really retarded times for my flights; my shuttle comes tomorrow at 3am. I come home just in time to miss my class next week. Doh! I hope that I can manage an attitude adjustment over the next week. I am not a very happy camper right now.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

The Gambling Douche

I am not sure where I should begin regarding my date last night. What a shizaster, I was digging my nails into my legs trying to maintain my cool. First, he pulls up in a 1970's Lincoln Town Car. He is not a car collector, this is his ride. I looked inside and the back seat is littered with empty bottles, including a bottle of Listerine (WTF?). There is a ton of trash in the back seat but what was most notable was there was both a flood light and flashlight in the front seat. In my mind, he was planning ahead for later that evening when he would be driving around the forest preserve looking for a place to dump my body. Those lights would come in handy to be sure. We went to Timmy Nolan's in Toluca Lake, kind of a dump and the food sucked. As he pulled out my chair, got me a beer, handed me a menu I replied, "Thank you." each time to which he replied, "No, thank YOU. It is my honor, my pleasure and my privilege." After about the tenth time he said that I told him he really needed to stop. REALLY needed to stop that. We were seated in front of a large t.v. which was playing the Yankees vs Red Sox game. He had a vested interest in the outcome as he had $250 bucks riding on it. He frequently referred to his "bookie" and when he won on the baseball game he breathed a sigh of relief and said that he would have his bookie apply the winnings from this bet to another debt he had incurred. At one point, he chose to go into great detail on how you bet on football games.....I started to loose my shit at this point and snapped back, "I don't care. I told you I don't watch sports and don't gamble. I REALLY don't care!" He mentioned that he lived up the street in the same house that he grew up in and I started thinking that he still lived with his parents and the hoopdie that he was driving was likely his mother's car. LOSER! He asked me to help him dress, told me he would take me shopping and mentioned his mother had just died two months prior (BTW, this is when serial murders start the killing, when mommy is gone....) All of this in the span of one hour and I had had my fill. I told him that I wasn't feeling this and I needed to go. He offered to drive me home which I declined as I didn't wanna become land fill. I walked down to Lucy's 51 and got drunk, kissed a bouncer, talked to my fuck buddy that won't fuck me for an hour on the cellie then went to sit down by the door as I was waiting for my taxi and missed the chair. Yeah. Can't go back there for a while. EHarmony sucks. I am thinking that I may just quit that for good.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Here we go again.....

Sigh. I have a date tonight and I just cannot get amped up about it. It seems like a lot of effort to go through to find out this guy is just another douche. Eharmony guy, seems cool over the phone yesterday. Made no innappropriate sexual comments or declared his love in an unnaturally quick way. He is 6'3. He plays the guitar. I am cautiously optimistic but still dreading all of the fluffing, hiking, plucking, drying, primping etc. that I am going to have to do. It would honestly be some sort of fucking miracle if I could find something clean to wear. I would bitch if I were hung with a new rope huh?

Monday, September 10, 2007

fucking Eharmony

Ok, so it begins. Everybody is closing me out. WTF????? Thanks to HottieEsq! I am feeling uber hot now.

Britney Made My Day

Yes, the Britney obsession continues. She did not disappoint me at the VMAs last night as she was a fucking mess. Not only does Perez Hilton have a close-up of her hand which shows she is missing finger nails, she once again gave the paparazzi another cookie shot on her way back from the shitastic performance. Only thing that would have improved her performance for me is if here weave fell out or her dancers were dressed like Cheetos. Good times! I find this absolutely delicious.
Had a train wreck of a Saturday night myself with HottieEsq and Knitstah Closed down Mexicali. I met someone who is almost old enough to be my father. He is a partner in a decent law firm in LA according to HottieEsq, probably pulling a mil a year. He is not bad looking, Norwegian (the chosen people) and seemed to have a good personality. Can I be arm candy? HottieEsq is urging me to go out with him and get some SWAG. I have long said that I missed out in my youth and should have scored a sugar daddy when I had a chance. Seems that I have that chance now, and I just don't think I can do it. I have flashes of Samantha from Sex in the City making a mad dash to the door when she saw the billionaire's old man ass. I can see myself doing that. How badly do I not want to work? Can you do it with someone that is as old as your parents? I cannot imagine introducing this guy to my friends and family. I have been very grossed out when people have mistaken me as my dad's girlfriend when we have been together. I am not sure I could handle the knowing looks from other people. Would be nice to have that Mercedes convertible I have always wanted. I ain't saying I'm a gold digger......What do y'all think?

Saturday, September 08, 2007

I love this. Where were my friends when I dumped ManTits?

It's Kat Bitch......

I am back from my blogging hiatus. Been working too much and haven't been able to get a date to save my life. I have also developed an obsession with the train wreck that is Britney Spears. Where the fuck are her pants? WHY DOES SHE NOT WEAR PANTS?!! I am thinking there may be a problem with my blog material as all I have to talk about is work and Britney. Not very interesting to most. At the insistence of HotteEsq, I have renewed my EHarmony membership. Day two and it is already beginning. Tell my if this is borderline creepy;
How would you spend a romantic evening with someone you have been dating for more than one year?:
I got the impression from you profile that you like to cook, so maybe we could spend time together preparing dinner...have a candle lit dinner, followed by a nice hot bubble bath together, perhaps a sensual massage...and see where things went from there. :-)
WTF? This grosses me out....sensual massage? Bubble bath together??? Letting me cook dinner? Um, try flowers, the Polo Lounge, some Tiffany's and THEN maybe you will get a blow job. Seriously, sensual massage?? Icky. Really grosses me out. Are guys into this kind of cheese, or is he just telling me what he thinks I want to hear? Granted, we have met on the Internet but I would be more interested if he said something along the lines of......
I would crack open a bottle of wine, crank some Zeppelin and fuck the shit out of you while I spank your ass and call you bitch.
At least THAT would show he has a pair. And good musical taste. I cannot date any man that I am more masculine than. Close match.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

my summer vacation

I have been working a lot. A lot a lot. I am drop dead tired and I cannot help but wonder how on earth can I incorporate a life with my job. Impossible. My new little fuck buddy has been texting me for weeks and I continue to promise that we will hook up soon. I am lying. My job is awesome, I am important and have so much fun. This will sound conceited, but I know (I know that my boss knows too) that we are making due with one person in LA because I charm the pants off of our principals and customers. In my opinion, we should lose all of our lines. I cannot possibly do justice to them as one person in LA. I think we are cool because I am smart, get the meetings they want, book shit. It is some sort of fucking miracle.. Honestly, I think I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I feel the pressure. I haven't taken off any time since Christmas. I am going home at the end of September for a pseudo vacation. Wanna know what I am doing on my summer vacation? I am having a root canal and four cavities filled. Next, I am seeing the dermatologist. Finally, we will crown my vacation with a biopsy of my cervix. Cancer, ya! I cannot get laid WITH hair...can only imagine how hard it will be without hair and a drip bag of chemo. Good thing I have reserved a bunch of fat over the last couple of months. When I finish chemo, I am going to be all kinds of Kate Moss sorta hot.

I am unhappy and scared.

open letter to the dumbass NAACP head of Atlanta

hey kids, feel free to write this back woods douchebag as I did;

Mr. White,

I find your backing of Michael Vick shameful and your reasoning suspect. In your role as a mouthpiece for the NAACP your words hold power. You are accountable. This man’s actions do nothing to further African Americans or humanity as a whole. Dog fighting is a despicable act perpetrated on defenseless animals, outside the law in secrecy for profit. How can you defend this anti-social behavior? There is no comparison to hunting as those I know who hunt do not torture the animal, bet on the outcome of the hunt, breed animals for hunting (with rape stands!!), train the animal for hunting nor hide their activities (from both the law and the IRS.) Additionally, they do not kill the animals in unspeakable ways if they do not provide an appropriately challenging hunt. Hunters hunt and eat what they catch.

I am so sorry that you will be deprived of the “hours of enjoyment” Vick provides you as a professional athlete. I am sure that there are many brutal and sick people that lament they will be missing out on “hours of dog fighting enjoyment” as well. The blood, the carnage, the crazy way the losing dog “dances” when being shocked and tortured to death, the sound of crushing bones…..good family orientated times!

One would think that you might support more challenged and accomplished people. This guy won the life lottery because he could run and catch. He lives a privileged life which most of us covet. Vick chose to go down a path which is backward and disgusting by most standards. As you stated, “As a society, we should aid in his rehabilitation and welcome a new Michael Vick back into the community without a permanent loss in his career in football.” Part of rehabilitation is hitting the bottom. There are consequences to our actions and losing a multimillion dollar salary and lucrative endorsements seems about right for this one.

Is Vick up for the NAACP Image Award this year? I hope your irresponsible and ignorant position cost you your job as the head of the Atlanta NAACP. I am hopeful as it seems the NAACP is backing away from you and your idiotic position. Outrageous.

Shame on you!

douchebag's email addy is; 'rlwhite@atlantanaacp.org'

Get 'em Filthy and Gorgeous Posse!!!

Monday, August 20, 2007

Porn for Chicks

Nuf' said.

San Diego

I am exhausted and I am beginning another hell week of work. I spent the weekend with Boy Gorgeous exploring San Diego. He noted that the two of us, with a pile of cash in the Gas Lamp district is a very dangerous combination. Friday night, we went to the Del Mar racetrack to see one of my favorite bands play, Cake. It was crowded and expensive. We couldn't really see the band let alone hear them. Somewhat disappointing and I dropped $150 bucks. Awoke Saturday morning and went to breakfast....at 8am $2 bloody Mary's were sounding pretty good. We drank a couple of those, then proceeded to bar hop having a beer at each bar. We ended up at a place called the Bitter End. There was some kid there about to ship off to Iraq
(I seriously got emotional, he looked like a BABY) and we decided some shots of Petron were in order. In the meantime, the bartender was a raging BITCH. I made a joke about fist fighting BG after doing a shot and the bartender cut me off. It was a JOKE sister! She then went off on a long diatribe about what the responsibilities of being a professional bartender are and how seriously she takes them. To the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse; in the event I ever start taking myself that seriously, just bitch slap me. You aren't saving lives here lady! Of course, I began to get lippy, told BG that I would be tipping her .99 which was a waste of .99. She was the WORST bartender ever, and she overheard me saying so. We decided to bounce and as I was paying the bill, I felt a tap on my shoulder from security asking if I had a problem with the bill (which I was in the process of signing) and I said no, I had a problem with the bartender. He politely asked us to leave, funny because that was just what we were doing at the time. Dumb bitch cost herself a bit .99. They should call the bar the Bitter Bitch instead of the Bitter End. We began to walk back to where we were staying and the Petron started kicking in for both of us. We decided a nap was in order so we could meet Sexual Chocolate out later. We went back about 6pm and took a nap, waking up at 1:30 in the morning. We accidentally blew SC off for which I sincerely apologize. Sunday morning we went for breakfast when I tallied up the cost of the weekend; $80 dog sitter, $100 bucks train fare, $100 bucks cash gone, $150 bucks spent at Del Mar, $80 bucks at the Bitter Bitch, $400 lost sunglasses and there were some other various expenses along the way. Will have to pace myself on these San Diego weekends, my wallet and most importantly my liver, cannot handle too many of them. My diet starts today as well as my alcohol rehabilitation program.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I am this girl

If you haven't checked out this show yet, you should...Flight of the Conchords on HBO. Wow, do I identify with this chick. They call it a fly because it takes you up to heaven!!!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Guy Girl

I love men. Why I am still single is a measure of how well I understand them, not like them. Tonight, I was walking to the grocery store and there were lots of old men (saw Ed McMahon on my flight last night.) Wow. Old guys are really old. It was creepy as there were about five of them all hobbling in my general direction using various apparatus like walkers and canes. I had a flash of the scene from The Hunger when all of Catherine Deneuve's lovers escaped from their coffins and attacked her. I skedaddled as fast as my youthful legs could manage. The beginning of this week I was on a business trip with much younger men. I much prefer the company of a group of men to women. I know that is not very feminist of me, but it is true. There is a lot less bullshit when you are with a group of men. None of the games you find when in a group of women. Lots of ribbing and joking. Nobodies feelings get hurt. I am a "guy girl" which allows me to hang with guys. Initially they are politically correct and a bit skiddish around me but once the guys realize I have a thick skin (and most importantly, a sense of humor) they usually treat me as one of them. I cannot tell you how many bachelor parties and strip clubs I have been to. This is probably why I don't do well in relationships as I know ALL of the tricks. My friends INVENTED the tricks as the Filthy and Gorgeous posse includes many accomplished players. Being the guy girl that I am, I also defy what men expect. I show no emotion. I never cry. I have been called the Ice Princess by more than one boyfriend. I do not respond to tantrums. (You would be surprised how many seemingly adult men throw tantrums.) I cannot be bothered with responding to childish responses, I have said calmly, "you are a big boy. Use your words and stop swearing, yelling and throwing things." It honestly makes them insane that I refuse to engage on this emotionally charged level. I had a boyfriend that crushed the remote control in a hissy fit and I very calmly picked up our Christmas gifts we had just finished exchanging, opened the third story window dropped them watching them land in a blanket of fresh snow. I said something to the effect of, "if you are going to break things, why don't you really make a statement and break things that matter." He never did anything like that again so mission accomplished. The women I do hang out with are all similarly wired. No mushy gush here. The occasional, "I love you maaaaann!" when we are drunk. It is weird as it seems that we are all attracted to the more girly men.....emotional, possessive, demonstrative. It annoys us but I suppose it is the yin yang thing, we need them to balance us out even though they make us crazy. Still, I do enjoy my nights out with the boys; drinking, making lewd jokes, eating meat, blowing each other shit.......

Friday, August 10, 2007

Toxic Mold

Just an afternoon crumb....I don't know why I do these sorts of things to myself but I just looked at The Boy's MySpace page (remember when I searched through 500 pages to find his? Sigh, those were the days!) Evidentially he and his (ahem) "Ex" had a baby! Would have been nine months exactly from when we hooked up. I suppose I should thank him as I did not have a human child, but the Dating Misanthrope was born out of that night. So wherever you are, thanks shithead!

Can I have some Porno with that pie-oh?

I almost had a porno moment last night. I ordered pizza and told the delivery guy to call my cell when he got here. He called and told me he would be here in two minutes. I noted the time and intended to go down to the gate when he said he would be here. I heard him at the gate yelling, "hello! Pizza here!" and went down to collect my pie. He was a pretty hot Hispanic guy, heavily manscaped and very young. He looked a lot like Dave Navarro. Muscles bulging out from under his uniform. I said, " are you always this fast?" and he replied, "only when delivering pizzas. I take my time when I do other things." Our eyes locked and we had a moment. In my head I heard "bum chicka bao bao" playing. I wonder if that is why that kid took that job. Do men really think that the situations in porno could actually come true? Do they come true? I had a boyfriend that watched a lot of porn and I think it ruined actual sex for him as it never lived up to his expectations (by the way, he was a virgin and I popped his cherry. Kind of embarassing to admit you didn't live up to the expectations of a virgin. He looked like Fabio.) I also think that the kind of porn you look at says a lot about you. The Psycho liked REALLY filthy porn, a lot. When I looked at those pictures, they did NOTHING for me; trashy women with really huge boobs invariably shoving something weird into their deep cavernous hole. The pictures sort of grossed me out and thus, The Psycho by association. Don't get me wrong, I am not anti-porn. I find it interesting to see what people find titillating. Most interesting to me are the "stories" used as a venue to show these images. I mean, is that the best they can come up with? Pizza delivery guys, cops and the like? I think more women should get into writing/producing porn. Inside my head, the porn is much more interesting.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

I am getting a gun

Being the general bitch/heartbreaker that I am I have to say I am greatly concerned by what I just discovered. I was looking for a phone number in the White Pages when I decided to search for myself and see what came up. My name, as clear as day with my home address. I know the Filthy and Gorgeous posse may find this shocking, but I have cut a path through some pretty crazy men in my day and there are some out there that would be more than happy to cut me up into little bits. One of them lives a mere five minute drive from here, is heavily medicated and has a gun. The last time I saw him he was trying to chop off my head with a tree lopper. As a single woman living alone this is frightening to me. Even though I live in a "secure" building I still have to go outside to get in my car, walk my dog, go to work.......In order to make it uber convienant for the psycho stalker, the White Pages directory links you directly to US Search so for ten bucks you can get any and all information on me. And you. I know I am not going to sleep well tonight.

Come sit with me boys!! XOXOXOX Betty

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Soy un perdedor

It is Saturday night at 9:30 and I am home alone with nothing to do. I could have gone out last night, but I decided to choose the adult route and stay home so I could get up and accomplish a bunch of junk today. I had a chance to go to Teddy's at the Roosevelt hotel; Hollywood hot spot for celebutants and hot messes. Would have been cool to say I have been there, but I just was so tired and have so much shit to do that I decided to stay home. Tonight, I was supposed to go out with HottieEsq which also did not happen. She had to go to a party and left me in the lurch. I know she isn't having a great time, however, I am still stuck at home by myself so I find that little consolation. I am pretty good at insuring I have something to do because I never feel like as much of a loser as I do when I am home on a weekend night. My best friends at home (Chicago) are all together tonight for a birthday party. They are texting and calling me...sounds like they are having a blast. I should be there yet I am in LA watching Forensic Files. Yippie. I could be doing a lot of things, however, I think I am just going to feel sorry for myself. Not often I get so firmly planted on the pity pot, but I know I will shake it off by tomorrow. Tonight, I am going to drink some beer, watch more CSI type programming (you NEVER want to piss me off, I know how to kill you without leaving any forensic evidence) and then go to bed with the proverbial "dog pile." Hope your Saturday is going better than mine.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Sowing Shit

PISCES - The Partner for Life Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.
DragonLdy sent this to me today. This doesn't sound like me at all, does it?
I am my sign to a T. This probably explains a lot about me. If you believe in reincarnation, Pisces is the last stop on the incarnation train. We are old and tired souls. I think this is why I don't get too caught up in stuff, this is all transitory and I KNOW this. It is a deep knowing that I cannot explain. Takes the edge off of the bad shit and the good shit as well. This too shall pass. Also explains why I spend every last dime I make (and then some), am dissatisfied with all relationships, continue to smoke. It will all be OK, it will work out as it should. I am not afraid of death. I find joy in little things; cuddle from my doggies, a latte, a perfect day. It is the process of being human. It is our connections that define us. How we treat others. I think you can tell a lot about someone on how they treat animals. (Which brings me back to the dog fighting guy Vick, I don't think they are giving that guy enough credit. I tried getting Pandora and Fletch to fight all day yesterday; teased them with their dolly, held their snoots together, riled them up. I could not get them to fight. It is harder than you would think and Vick deserves props for that.) Ultimately, we are all connected and the only thing that really matters is that we love. Every experience is neither intrinsically good or bad, just a learning opportunity. I try to remind myself of this when I am embroiled in some drama or another. It is not easy to be sure, but this is why I am told that I am annoyingly "glass is half full" by lots of people. I think much of my recent malaise can be contributed to the fact I am not honoring the spiritual side of myself. I am much more calm when I am feeding that part of my soul. You may be surprised to know that at one point, I was studying to be a Unity minister. I am sowing shit right now so why am I shocked that shit is what I am reaping? A heaping bushel basket full of shit. Duh! Kindergarten metaphysics.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


I need to get a life. I have a blog about dating and I cannot get a date to save my life. It is pitiful really. So, to bide my time I have conversations about the dog fighting scandal such as this;

spankie: i feel so strongly about this....i am willing to place a little bet

sexual chocolate: that if the charges are dropped, he'll play again?

spankie: not feeling so confident with ten bucks on the line huh? money....mouth

sexual chocolate: I'm saying for some reason they are dropped his career isn't over

spankie: they will NOT be dropped

sexual chocolate: hypothetically, stranger things have happened

spankie: what if i got a pony tomorrow....want to speculate on that? just as likely

sexual chocolate: if you get a pony tomorrow, I'll give you ten bucks

spankie: i will name her buttercup and brush her mane daily. i will love her and pandora will be SO JEALOUS that she plots against the pony. she will tear up my favorite stuff and plant it on buttercup

sexual chocolate: it's funny because it's true

spankie: i will find horse poop (carefully placed by pandora) on my pillow. she will teach buttercup to say "whoooreeeeee" anytime i approach (in a whinny sort of way) i will come to the stable and buttercup will be wearing my bustier. Using my electric toothbrush, drinking my LAST beer.

sexual chocolate: you're crazy
It is official. I need to get laid. My fantasy life is revolving around a pony and not a donkey.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Don't want to Harp about it....

Dammit! I have back fat, again. It is undeniable and I am now going to have to do something about it. How many times do I need to remind myself that elastic is not my friend? Neither is beer. I slipped on one of my super hot pairs of True Religion jeans and I had to sort of, um tuck, my fat into the waistband. Pfft, they are only skinny jeans when what you are shoving into them is skinny. This weekend was fun at the Chimney Sweep. Place was thumping, partly because the Green Frog has been closed by the health department and the Sweep is getting the overflow (Mad roaches. Ew, I have been there a million times!) Dare I say, I may be getting my Mojo back! Yay me! I was working the room like a five dollar hooker works a back alley! Unfortunately, I got more digits from chicks than boys but baby steps.......I am officially a Cougar as I did get the digits of some nubile 26 year olds that called me Sunday to meet them at the Pineapple Hill. Actually got one of them to take his shirt off at the bar. Sexual Chocolate and Boobalicious showed up with their posse in tow and Knitstah with hers. Good times with good people. I wish I always had my friends to buffer me from reality. I have not been sleeping much and been having what I suspect are wee little panic attacks. I need to overcome the inertia which is prohibiting me from moving forward in any aspect of my life. I haven't been knitting, cleaning, dating, working out, working my job (well), managing my money. My life is a disaster right now and I know the steps that I need to take to break through this. Cha cha cha!!! New record, Boy Gorgeous blew me off Friday, Saturday and Sunday this weekend. He is leaving me in a week so I won't lie, it hurt my feelers. Saturday was understandable as he was getting some Pussy but......Some parting thoughts from DragonLady to the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse, "Friends are like buttcheeks: shit may come between them but they always stick together." I will remember that when I finally get to talk to BG so I don't wring his neck.
An update on the bruises of unknown origin; the consensus with the Posse is the one on my arm is a bite mark.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Bottom's up!

I think I have hit rock bottom and then I re-establish where the bottom is. First, I was accused of stealing this coke head's credit card Saturday. I have never stolen as much as a Bonnie Bell Lip Smacker from Walgreens in my life. I think it is time to reevaluate what you are doing when A. you are communicating with a coke head at all and B. you are being called a thief by one. Wrong on all levels. Next wake up call was when I had it out with my meth head neighbor. As we were arguing about him getting another male pit bull (his last dog was hit by a car and killed about a week ago; an untrained, unleashed and uncut male pit bull with a tweeker as an owner living in my building. That isn't dangerous at all is it?) As we are arguing, I am looking at his apartment. It is SPOTLESS. As a matter of fact, it is so clean it sparkles. My place is a pit. An absolute disaster. The tweeker is cleaner than I am. As I am walking back to my apartment I am thinking maybe I should start to do meth. My phone is ringing when I walk into my place and it is my mom. She had just been watching a documentary on drug use and was calling me to make me PROMISE I will not try meth even once (WTF??? can that woman read my mind from 2200 miles away??) I hate myself. I have been studying these bruises from Saturday night, and they scare me. I can make out distinct finger prints on my forearm. The bruise on my bicep is totally black and sick looking, I look like a crack whore. I have NO idea what could possibly cause the bruising patterns on my legs. Frankly, the scenarios I have been creating in my head are all unpleasant. My world is all topsy turvy and I am not digging on it. I have to figure out where I went wrong here and how do I extricate myself from these situations. As Homer Simpson says, "Alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." My recent retreat into sick isolation and knitting has not been enough. I think I am going to go back into my hole and emerge only when I feel good about myself. I know today I think this is rock bottom, but on an intellectual level I know these are just a taste of things to come if I don't do things differently. I can fall farther.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Creative writing

My writing class is tonight. I am finishing up with my work and getting a little bit to eat before I head over the hill. As I am eating I am chatting with my fuck buddy that won't fuck me;

Skeptic: Better get the lame comments out now; they won't fly in creative writing....
spankie: i don't think i am going to get much constructive criticism in this class......teacher is too "embrace the creative process!!! writing is creating art!!!"
Skeptic: In that case, if I were you I'd try to push the bounds of good taste in the writing....
spankie: if you had any idea....maybe i will submit my blog entry next week about having a condom lodged deep in my cavernous hole? that should get some attention. my vagina as an intergalactic worm hole.....lost socks and keys are located within it's realm.
Skeptic: That's writing. Now try creative writing.
spankie: ok, i just spit out some captain crunch on that one....touche

Sigh. Why does he have to be such a dick? Why do I like it? Finally DAMN HottieEsq and her Captian Crunch habit she started!

Monday, July 16, 2007


On some level, I am always grateful when Mondays roll around. My liver (and wallet)
need a break from the weekends. I also have several bruises of unknown origin, really nasty looking. I honestly do not know how I got them. Saturday night was fun; Killer Shrimp and Firefly with my new BFFs Knitstah and HottieEsq. Firefly is a bit of a blur for me. I didn't think we drank that much, split two bottles of wine between the three of us over several hours. We closed the joint and the girls parted ways, me following Mr. Katt to a house party. Always trouble when you are out with him. Met some boys. Got home at 6 am. Wasn't too bad as I drank water for the rest of the night, just tired. I am back on the work bandwagon this morning. I have so much to do....there will be no messing around this week to be sure. I am checking off the action items left and right already today. Conference call hell. Ugh. I just want to feel better and get ahead of the curve with my job/apartment/life. I am having another "rat stuck in a wheel" kind of day. I need something that will give my life meaning and purpose. Living solely for yourself sounds like it would be great on paper, but sort of sucks in practice.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

That Guy

Last night Boy Gorgeous had a wild hair so we decided to kick it at the Chimney Sweep. My new BFF HottieEsq showed up with her "special friend" in tow. I have commented to BG on multiple occasions that we kill each other's action more than we realize when we go out. Last night, we ran into the Musician again. He appeared high, is bone thin (think heroin addict), his drawers held up only by a well worn belt cinched tight. He and I talked for a bit and he told me he has been hitting on me every time he has seen me there but I am always with "THAT guy." As attractive as the prospect of cuddling up to what I imagine would be the equivalent to spooning with a bag of hangers would be, I more enjoyed his characterization of BG as "THAT guy." We got a good laugh out of that and BG embraced his new title. As "THAT guy" he worked his magic on HottieEsq. When he turns on the charm and sticks his pinkie out, he can be quite irresistible. We drank a lot and HottieEsq was getting a little unsteady on her feet. She got Fatburger into her head, and left with her "special friend" to do whatever drunk grown-ups do together. BG and I closed that bar after what is always a fun and memorable time together. He was very hung over this morning. I got a message that HottieEsq left for me last night, "Thanks to you, I am going to be having mundane sex. Thanks for nothing!" Hopefully we will fare better tonight; going to Firefly with HottieEsq, Knitstah and Mr. Katt. Anything can (and usually does) with that boy around, should be good times.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

you know how your people are.....

It is nine pm and I am still hung over from the first Sip and Stitch at Lucy's 511 in Burbank last night. It was worth it as I have found my kindred spirits in HottieEsq and Knitstah. You know who you are. I am trying the hair of the dog treatment and it is NOT helping. I feel sicker and sicker with every tick of the clock. So last night was quite interesting for me on an intellectual level. I guess racism is alive and well which I find shocking. A four billion pound woman showed up to our knitting group last night and was talking to HottieEsq. Evidently, the quote of the night was, "you know how your people are." HottieEsq was chatting the big piggish woman up and at one point looked at me and stated, "Wow. She is quite the racist." Later, the Racist pulled a large, white, triangular knitted item from her knitting bag and I commented to HottieEsq, "look, she is knitting a hood!" I stopped by the knitting store today and the Racist was there. I really wanted to stay and say something to the effect of, "I cannot believe a woman of your size can muster the energy to knit. Shouldn't you be laying in bed ordering carry out? Eating five whole chickens wrapped in bacon? You know how your people are." I didn't as I was too hung over to be cutting and clever. Next time she is mine. Bank on it. HottieEsq brought a cool boy, Mr. NBC. I have a commitment from Boy Georgeous to show up for the next knitting night. Love knitting, love boys more.

Speaking of boys, San Fran just called and really wants to see me. I know, I know...he is a retarded (now unemployed) asshole but I like him.And I am horny. And he is hung. Plus I would love to see my uncle that owns Image Leather (biggest leather shop in San Francisco and the rest of the world)

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Get in, get off and GET OUT!

My reward for my long and grueling day of work was meeting up with the ever gloomy and doomy Skeptic tonight. I drove over the hill to have dinner with him prior to my class. We walked to a local bbq joint and ordered a feast of meat....an embarassment of animal fleshy riches even by this midwestern girl's standards. I have to admit that there is something quite interesting to me about his Eyoresque manner. I find it hot really. We were discussing the class I was starting tonight and when I asked if I looked all co-edy he just said, "nope. You look like a chick that is pushing 40 and taking a class." I know I should have been pissed but I just laughed. To make matters worse, I think he really means these things he says to me. We had a nice dinner and got back to his place with only an hour until my class started. It is always awkward for me around him. I never know what to do. No kiss hello or goodbye, no physical contact until it gets physical. I don't know the rules on how to behave with a fuck buddy. I am a newby. I milled around his apartment while he flossed animal matter out from between his teeth, noticing he has an entire shelf of his book case dedicated to Darwinism. I commented on this. He claims he still does not have his mojo back but wanted to make sure I left a satisfied customer. I think it really upset him when he discovered I slept with someone else. It is bizarre. We haven't had sex for over three months, we are not in a relationship, he seems completely and totally disinterested and then he lays the guilt trip on me. The first time, I bought into this. The second time he started up with this topic I went off on him, "It is not my fault you are the WORST FUCK BUDDY EVER! I was afraid my little bean was going to dry up and fall off and I had to take matters into my own hands! Step it up and put out!" Much to my surprise, this tatic worked and we made the date for tonight. So, in response to his claim that he still was lacking his mojo, I ripped my top open (was wearing this uber cool cowgirl shirt that snaps down the front, perfect for dramatic stripping.) I ripped his pants off and got down to business. I looked at him with an evil grin and told him, "I think I have found your mojo." More clothes went flying and then a mad dash for the bed. Lots of skin, rolling around, kissing. Quite delicious until we went for the condom. FUCKING CONDOMS. (Many of you may remember where the last condom we used ended up as you were on the receiving end of my frantic phone calls looking for extraction techniques from my deep cavernous hole.) The moment and the mojo was lost due to some ill-fitting condoms purchased off of the internet. DAMMIT! Time was ticking away and fortunately for me, he did his duty for God and (forgive me for this TERRIBLE pun) Cunty. I punctuated the romp with a whole-hearted, "Oh God!!" to which he replied, "There is no God. That is why I have the whole shelf on Darwinism." So on that note, I did what I always do with him, jump up, kiss him on the forehead, get dressed and collect my wares so I can bounce. At the door he apologized and reiterated that he has lost his mojo. I told him it was just a matter of having more time and I would be happy to come back over the weekend to complete my task. Then he got weird. Something to the effect that I want more (duh!) Contextually, I took this as I was pushing him for more relationship interaction and I told him, "Hey, I have never expected more than sex from you. This is what it is and I don't want more." At that moment, mercifully, my phone rang and I picked it up. I gave him a quick peck on the forehead and started talking on the phone and walked away. I am pretty sure I heard him say, "I'll call you!" What is it with the push me pull you thing that gets us going?? Why is this hot? How are you supposed to behave with a fuck buddy? I cannot imagine being cooler than me in this situation. I enjoy the moment for what it is and go about my business. Now, I am sitting in the ultimatte bachlorette outfit; camo sweat shorts, berkenstocks and a leopard tank top. Why would I want a guy around that would fuck up this look? Get in, get off and GET OUT! I think that is the fuck buddy etiquette lesson du jour.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

How Kat Gets her Point of View Back

The thing about being sick is not having anything to talk about. I have been BORED out of my skull over the last couple of weeks. I have said it before and I will say it again, you never feel as single as you do when you are sick. To top it off, it has been so fucking hot here in the valley. It was 96 INSIDE my apartment last weekend with the air conditioner going. I have been reduced to living in the living room as my bedroom is even hotter than the surface of the sun. I have not seen the interior of that room for three weeks. I open the door and throw my clean/dirty laundry in there. Add a fever on top and that is some good times my friends. I am trying to get back to my life....still have a cough and sore throat and no energy, it is tough. Last Wednesday, I had some of the Posse over for the 4th which was fun. Boobalicious came first which was awesome...we got to talk for awhile alone, and she put on a bathing suit (wowsa!! I am not jealous, really...) Sexual Chocolate showed up in his "black by popular demand" t-shirt. Boy Gorgeous rolled in over two hours late, personal bottle of wine in hand. We bbqed and drank and some of my neighbors joined us. All in all, it was a very nice day. As the sun set, I noticed a certain sizzle occurring between BG and my neighbor. BG was prancing around like a drunk peacock (emphasis on cock) and surprised us both with making a muscle, "here is the thunder" and then ripping open his shirt, "and here is the lightening!!!" Upon closer inspection I could see he had shaved a lightening bolt out of his chest hair. God I love him. I slipped away and let whatever was going to happen happen. I spoke to BG the next morning, and he was calling my neighbor the wrong name. I think it is true love.

Friday we went to the track which was a blast. I was the designated driver which limited my ability to take part in the dollar beers. A crime really. We ran into my old boss who was there for a party and I met a boy. The Metro called him a douchbag (I think every other word out of his mouth was douchebag all night). BG thought he was pretty cool because he played a mean game of flip cup (which outweighed the fact he quoted Old School like three times in the course of the convo.) I did not give Hermosa my phone no but told him he could get it from my boss. We will see just how badly he wants to go out with me. Ended up in very cramped, hot and crowded bars in Santa Monica. The Metro was getting lippy and I was afraid we were going to end up in a fist fight. I drank three Red Bulls which came back to haunt me at 3:30 am when I was trying to sleep. Live and learn, this designated driver bullshit is a first for me.

Tomorrow is going to be a hella day of work but my reward will be having dinner with Skeptic (my fuck buddy that won't fuck me, there are more details here which I will save for another time) and then I start my creative writing class at UCLA. I am scared being a co-ed again!! Do I bust out my plaid skirt? Tie up my shirt? Where do I get those pink fuzzy pony tail holders that Britney had?

Monday, July 02, 2007

I need a July guy boys! XOXOXO Betty

Friday, June 29, 2007


Day seven of sobriety is over......I waited until 9 and cracked a bottle of Merlot I got wine tasting with the Doc in Passe Robles a couple of weekends ago. I hate to admit this, but upon the first sip.......ahhhhh. I feel like a circuit has been completed in my body. Tequilia is the control alt del of reality but wine is like the satin sheets, the luxurious lotion, the cashmere sweater. It makes it all worthwile to slip into the peppery, cherry, long oaky finish of a good bottle of wine. I am still sick, but I don't care right now. Boy Gorgeous and the Metro called me and wanted me to come party tonight with them in Santa Monica. Facing the world was not an option tonight. I was tempted as I am looking pretty cute, I am wearing my new Slutty Holly Hobby dress today. I know the boys love me. I guess last Friday when I went out with BG and the Metro I commented on the Metro's new facial hair. I saw him and immediately asked him what the fuck he was thinking??? I commented that he looked like a terrorist and he is way too good looking to hide under that nasty, hairy brush he called a beard. According to BG, the Metro was horribly self conscious for the rest of the evening and shaved within hours of coming home Ha! Ok, enough of this. I am going to go back to my sofa and sip on my glass of ruby red ambrosia and nurse myself back to either health or drunkenness.

Thursday, June 28, 2007


I am sick, again. Went out with Boy Gorgeous, Sexual Chocolate and the Metro last Friday and partied until the wee hours of the morning. Woke up Saturday SICK AS A DOG. It is Thursday, and I have barely left the house all week. I have a deep and resonant hack which is disgusting. I have had a fever, sore throat and no energy. My house is a mess. My dogs are bundles of house bound energy. I have more dirty clothes than clean at this point (don't worry, I ran out and bought some more yesterday.) I am incredibly behind in my work. I have been having nightmares. All in all, it has sucked to be me of late. Today is day six of my sobrierity. It is sad to say, I cannot remember the last time I have not drank in six consecutive days. I have cut my smoking in half in anticipation of quitting on Monday (I started my quit smoking medication and it takes two weeks for it to hit critical mass in my system and makes me barf.) Can it be that I am finally going down the path to self-improvement? I have to do this, I have a picture of myself in my head....a few years down the line being Selma or Patty (Marge's chain smoking, Matlock watching, bitter, Iguana loving, terminally single sisters from the Simpsons.) The crazy thing is even though I am still really sick, I am being very productive. I knit an entire shrug last night. A little bit of finishing and blocking to do.....but a sweater in one night?? Unheard of. Well my friends, don't anticipate seeing me any time soon. I am holed up and not leaving until I am a healthy, sober, non-smoker with fourteen new sweaters. Take it from me, it is better this way.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Things that make you go hmmm.....

So, I was telling my friend about my experience at the market last week when I purchased a pregnancy test, beer and cigs.....my friend is a Dom and he had a similar experience at Save On. He checked out with his items in this order; scented candle (beep), clicky lighter (beep), bottle of wine (beep), box of condoms (knowing glance from clerk with approving head nod, beep), 100 feet of rope (pause, review previous items, cuts him a look.) Who says romance is dead?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Knocked Up???

Monday, I saw the movie Knocked Up with Sexual Chocolate and it got me to thinking.....when the hell was my last period? I mean, I cannot remember and this movie fed all of my fears about getting hooked up for life with a loser. In my movie, he is a loser when I meet him and an even bigger loser when I get to know him. No happy ending here. If you want to raise some eyebrows, do what I just did. I just went across the street to the grocery store and bought a pregnancy test. On my way to the check out, I grabbed a six pack (a girl has to pee right??) Finally when I get up to the clerk I ask for a pack of cigs. The black chick behind me looks at my stuff, looks at me, looks at my stuff, cuts me a look. The unmistakable stink eye!! The clerk had about the same reaction, beer (beep), pregnancy test (beep, glance up, pause, connecting dots), request for cigarettes (condescending scowl). I wanted to scream, "Oh yeah, I could be my baby's mamma....but I am not gonna keep it! It has a date with a drain!!!" But I didn't. I hung my head and felt the burn of judgement on the back of my head. I mean, why do the commercials for pregnancy tests always show a happy woman (with a wedding ring, ALWAYS. Start looking for it and you will see what I mean. Diaper commercials too.) over the moon because she peed on a stick and got a happy face. Bun in the oven, Yay!!! I mean, in reality it is someone like me.....chugging beer, chain smoking and making deals with God....please please please noooooooooo!!!! I don't want to be stuck with this douche bag for the rest of my life!! This would not be a joyful event for me. I may go sacrifice a chicken prior to peeing on a stick. Can't hurt to play both sides. Wish me luck.


I am smitten. This is crazy. It is inappropriate and let me tell you why; I hired him. Well, interviewed him....and gave my thumbs up to his hiring. That is one negative. On the positive side, he is only a contractor so he will be working for me for only three months, then he is FAIR GAME! I spoke to him for over an hour today under the guise of discussing business. This was a calculated move as I know I do MUCH better with guys once they get to know me on a "friend" basis. A few too many drinks one night and then I am looking REALLY good to him. I am mentally mapping my opportunities to maximize my meeting/conversational time with him and to get our drink on. I am crafty like ice is cold, snap! He is a touch younger than I...don't tell him. He lives in Manhattan Beach which might as well be Pluto from where I live. I do not know if the smitteness is mutual yet, but I can tell he is definitely intrigued by me. He has already characterized me as an H.R. nightmare and I happily showed him our employee handbook (there isn't one, that is the joke.) He thinks it is funny I call him "Dawg" and pointed out I am white. He also is a dirty filthy rap fan. He parties, a lot! I am not going to insult the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse by saying I am not calculating. I am working him and he has NO idea. How do we effectively bait our traps? What steps should I take to make this seem like this was his idea to him? I am going to consult Boy Gorgeous and I am sure he will have some interesting suggestions. I am open to yours as well. I don't want to die alone and I really need a vacation so remember these are the desired results. All help is appreciated.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

falling apart

I am falling apart which is why I have not been blogging. I finally went to the hack doctor drug seeking yesterday and it went as I had expected. I told him I have been very dizzy for the last couple of weeks and he asked if I had seen a neurologist. NEUROLOGIST?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't we skip right to the spinal tap and call it good? I told him I had an ear ache which I believed to be at the root of the prob. He looked into my ear (and by the way, he/his office are so dirty I don't want him coming near me) and agreed I have an ear infection and he would prescribe the same drugs he gave me at Christmas. I reminded him he almost killed me at Christmas as I am allergic to penicillin and how 'bout we try a good 'ol Z pack? Then I showed him my rash and said I think I am having an allergic reaction.....looks like you are having an allergic reaction he says (is there an echo in here?) and I suggested some prescription strength cortisone which he gave me. Finally, I showed him my "stink toe" and said I have a bacterial infection in my toe and I just wanted to make sure it was OK.....oh, well, we will have to get an X-ray of that toe he says. X-ray? It is a bacterial infection in the NAIL BED. We need to make sure it isn't in the bone, he says....um, no. No X-ray, no trumped up bill. He referred me to a podiatrist (who I have no intention of seeing) and sent me on my way. Just wanted to let the Posse know why I haven't been blogging as I have been sitting on my sofa with the mad spins, nursing arm herpes and watching my stink toenail grow. I have been through medical school self-diagnosing the last couple of weeks which is exhausting. Hopefully I am on the mend and will be back with more exciting news. Muah! Kat

Monday, June 04, 2007

Playing Possum

Last week, a woman I know told me she is getting divorced after many years of marriage and asked me how I go about meeting guys. I launched into stories of my recent attempts at meeting men in all kinds of situations and was met with much laughter from the audience, except for the soon to be divorced woman. I looked at her and I felt badly as I MADE HER CRY! Hey, it is tough out there and the sooner she knows the reality of the situation the better. You have to develop an armadillo exterior if you want to get into the dating scene in SoCal. Even your girl Kat here has recently retreated a bit into her dog/knitting/friend world because the rejection was getting a bit rough for me as well. Not quite armadilloesque, more like a possum curled up in a self-protective ball. My Mojo is broken and rather than push this issue, I have decided to take a step back and wait out the storm. As we all know, the ineffable thing called "mojo" ebbs and flows. In the meantime, I have been very productive. Finished another sweater this weekend. Boy Gorgeous and I have decided to do a little experiment this month, no drinking. None. We are going to scientifically evaluate this experiment on these criterion; fat loss, money saved, frame of mind and general feeling of well-being. I am not so sure how I am going to do this month as I am a bit of an alcoholic (OK, OK, FULL BLOWN). I have done the math in the past, if I quit drinking beer, I would lose 187 lbs. in one year. This is going to be rough. I suppose going through alcohol withdrawl will keep my mind off of the fact that my pretend boyfriend is now unemployed with a real girlfriend and I have a fuck buddy that won't fuck me. Sigh, it is always something. Curling up in a ball and waiting for it to be safe again seems like a good idea to me.

Friday, June 01, 2007

There is no June gloom with me around Boys!! XOXOXOO Betty

Ex Husband

I am not sure why I did this, but last night I googled my ex-husband's name. I know many of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse are shocked by that statement, I was married. I never speak of it as it was a long time ago (I was 23) and it was very brief (six weeks after a $35,000 Barbie wedding.) Needless to say, it ended badly and was quite embarrassing. When I googled him, I found him and an email address. I sent him a brief email titled "ex wife here" not expecting a response. I got one. Now what? Here was his reply;

Hi Kat…

What a surprise! Did you have a nightmare with me as protagonist? I hope not. Yes, this is me and my email and of course would love to tell you how I am doing…at the end of the day. You caught me last night on my way back from Nicaragua and Honduras. Today I am in recovery mode.

Will get back to you soon. Let me know how you are.

Ex Husband

It occurs to me I never wanted to hear from him again and I now have this open can of worms to contend with thanks to myself. What is with the "XXs" under his name? How do you go about summing up the last fifteen years of your life to someone that betrayed you so badly? Who goes to Nicaragua and Honduras??!!! Why did I do this? Loneliness? Boredom? Curiosity? They say, curiosity killed the cat....let's hope it doesn't do the same to our girl Kat here. I wonder if he still does that really annoying thing of pushing up his sleeves on his jacket? I wonder if he remembers our word for squirrels (chorkey, weird I know...) I wonder if he remembers the first time he saw fireflies....with me in the country, the night sky was electric. I wonder if he still remembers his nickname for me, Nippy. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder..........

Friday, May 25, 2007

Yet another winner from Eharmony

Thought the Posse might get a kick of seeing the kind of guys I am being matched with on Eharmony. I think a picture says a thousand words.

Mantits Sighting

Mantits must have missed the memo that El Torito at the Galleria is Mr. F's "place." I walked into the restaurant looking around for the Filthy and Gorgeous posse and there he sat, in all his mooby (man booby) glory with two very young girls. I called Boy Gorgeous and he suggested we go to the Cheese Cake Factory instead as Mantits has told many people that BG and Mr. Fantastic were the reason we broke up. (I guess it is much easier to blame them than face the fact you are a cheap, pot smoking, misogynist, jealous, lying, self-destructive, verbally abusive, erectiley dysfunctional pig with loser friends.) It is weird because it did bother me to see him drinking and having fun with these girls. I suppose I have been a bit melancholy because I dumped him exactly a year ago this week and he has been on my mind. I would never want to get back with him but I want him to live a miserable and solitary life and die alone. I know that is petty and small of me but I don't care. He fucked up what could have been an amazing relationship and he does not deserve happiness. Period. BG and Mr. F and I remembered last Memorial Day weekend. We made it a three day long bender where we swam in my pool, BBQed and left my apartment complex ONLY to go to the market and buy more alcohol. Good times. Mantits got pissed at me because I was being the host on the first day and brought my boys beers down by the pool and made food for them. He accused me and BG of locking ourselves in the bathroom alone at one point (never happened, another one of his weird jealous fantasies which he believes to this day) and he stormed off. We partied on for another couple of days culminating in me going off in a tangent about Mantits and his tiny penis and lack of prowess in the bedroom (which was harsh even by Filthy and Gorgeous standards.) BG recounted this story and made me promise if I ever saw his penis I would not get mad at him and attack his manliness. I gently reminded him that everyone at the table has ALREADY seen his package and it is likely on UTube (this is the infamous 5'4 315 video taken on a very drunken Sunday at Buzzbys in Santa Monica.) He looked panicked for a second until he realized I was just joking about it being posted on UTube. At the end of the day, I would rather be alone and happy than with Mantits and absolutely miserable. He is one messed up puppy and will bring his problems into any relationship he engages in. The sad thing is that he hides these problems very well for a long time (almost a year with me.) By that point, I was in love with who I THOUGHT he was (the Representative.) When the true Mantits showed himself, it was very hard for me to extricate myself. It had to get VERY BAD before I could finally walk away. I suppose I am still in love with the Mantits Representative which is why it hurt me to see him last night.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Bar Star!

Over hump day, Praise Jesus! Tuesday was another day trip to Vegas and yesterday, drove over 400 miles between 6:30 when I left and 7:30 pm when I got home. I am genuinely dog tired. I will overcome the fatigue because I have earned my Thursday night happy hour! Boy Gorgeous, Mr. Fantastic and Sexual Chocolate are all going to help ease in the holiday weekend with me tonight at Mr. F's "place" El Torito at the Galleria. (place is in quotes because BF and I give Mr. F loads of shit for having a chain restaurant as your "place". My place is Firefly or Stanleys.....we could even rock the Pineapple Hill or Chimmney sweep. Not like I am saying, hey let's go to my "place," you know McDonalds on the blvd.) I love my boys and don't get to spend as much time with them as we once did. Sigh, stupid jobs get in the way.

Moment of note this week, my friend Dragon Lady sent me this text;

I had a check up 2 day. I tested positive 4 sexy! I'm allergic 2 haters. My blood type is baller. And dats y I'm hot!

*LOVE* her! I have to say, I love black women. I wish I had the confidence and sass that most of the black women I have known have. Dragon Lady certainly fits my "racial profiling" of black women. Strong, beautiful, independent, confident.......what a cool chick! Snaps to my sis that I know lurks around the Dating Misanthrope hallways. Love you girl!

Other moment of the week, my boss missed his train out of Santa Barbara yesterday so we went wine tasting in Backwards country. I bought two matching t-shirts that say; "Be Happy! Drink Pinot Noir" and have a giant happy face on the front with a red pinot mustache. I will be sending the larger one to my dad for Father's Day but the REAL gift will be when I go visit him next and go wine tasting in the foothills. We will be ROCKING our matching Daddy/Daughter shirts which should be quite embarrassing for him. There will be much humiliation and many many incriminating pictures. I cannot wait!

I am off to trot the hounds and make myself presentable for the handsome sect of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse. Time to transform from the Dating Misanthrope to the Bar Star!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Pushing up daisies

It is Monday in what is going to prove to be yet another brutal work week. Although I pretty much worked on making a deeper ass depression on my sofa this weekend, I am still exhausted today. I finished knitting a sweater that has been the bane of my existence so there is a sort of sense of accomplishment about that, however, I did not get out there and meet anyone. San Fran did not call me once this weekend, which is unusual. As I mentioned, I had a sense that my pretend boyfriend was going to be somebody else's real boyfriend. I am strangely sad about this. To top it off, I have been really really dizzy. I have been feeling like I did when I had vertigo....I stand up or bend over and the room starts to spin. Of course, me being the alarmist, I am convinced that I am having an aneurysm because I am over 35 and taking the pill and insist of continuing smoking. This brings me back to my biggest fear about living alone; if I were to die, how long would it take somebody to find me? As my closest friends know, I have devoted a lot of time and energy to this topic. I lay awake at night turning all of the possible scenarios in my head. In all possible outcomes, one week is the longest I would go. Being in field sales, I am really not expected to be anywhere at any time. Monday through Friday there is no accountability for my time. I figure, the only time I have to be somewhere is on our Monday conference call. So, let's assume the very worst case......this morning I get on my con call and then immediately keel over afterward. Who would miss me? My friends might wonder why I have been so difficult to reach. My boss might be pissed that I am not picking up my phone or answering his emails. My neighbors may wonder about the odd smell coming from my apartment. My parents wouldn't miss me as we do not have any set schedule for talking. The red flags wouldn't start to hit until next Monday when I did not get on my con call. Would my dogs start to eat me? This is my greatest fear (along with being pushed onto the 3rd rail of the El in Chicago,) which my friends think is bordering on insanity. Several years ago, I saw a news story about a skeleton that was found in England. It was seated in a Lazy Boy in front of a television clasping the remote control. The TV was on and there was a Christmas tree with lights lit. Authorities determined that the man had been dead for over ten years, TEN YEARS! They determined the approximate date of death as the skeleton had a TV guide open in his lap which told the date. The only way he was found is his government check, which was direct deposited, finally missed a date so his rent check, which was direct withdrawal, hit and bounced. This story feeds a dark place which does not need much encouragement. I rubbed the noses of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse in this story (who said I was crazy and morbid)....look, this REALLY happened! This is a valid fear for those of us that are single and live alone.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Vegas Baby!

In Vegas for meetings. Not as much of a boondoggle as I had anticipated. I am actually WORKING. Ugh. Long days and I now have a brief break in the action. Going out with Sissy and Tex tonight for dinner. This is our annual girl's night out. We do a nice dinner, trying Emeril's place at the MGM this year followed by lots of gambling and drinking. (Fast forward to later, picture Sharon Stone in casino where she is throwing chips around.) We get rowdy and have a mighty fine time. It has been fun seeing people's reaction to my hair. I wish I had a picture of my boss when he saw me for the first time yesterday. My old boss must have a thing for red heads.....he was quite attentive to me last night. Sissy and Tex didn't have much to say....if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all? Actually, Tex just looked at me and laughed stating, "we are going to have fun tonight. You are just too much!" The Country Music Awards are at the MGM tonight. I am not sure I would recognize a country artist if I tripped over one. On the positive side, I am looking quite trailer trashy so I may attract a country and western star. Isn't bright red hair indicative of good ol' fashioned back woods in the Ozarks inbreeding a la Sissy Spacek? Tonight is my last hurrah for a while. I intend on keeping my word and jumping on the self-improvement bandwagon when I get home tomorrow. OK, I am off to primp and fluff and hike and stuff myself before I venture out onto the Strip. Wish me luck landing a cowboy tonight! HeeeeeYawwwwwwww!!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Pretend Boyfriend

Sunday, midnight. I cannot believe the weekend is over and my week starts anew tomorrow. Vegas baby..........San Fran is staying at the nicest hotel I have ever been to, the Hotel Bel Air. Evidently, it is the no. 1 hotel in the country and holds lots of titles. The heavyweight champion in hotels. We walked in, and it was swank as swank can get. Peonies, forsythia, delphinium and cymbidian orchid bouquet in the lobby. HUGE arrangements. Bubbling fountains and statuary in the prolifically blooming gardens which smelled of jasmine and gardenia. There were swans everywhere. Susan Lucci was eating dinner in the restaurant as we walked by. Fois gras stuffed squash blossoms and filet with morels on the room service menu. I felt like trailer trash walking in in my flip flops and my bright red hair up in a clip. Now I know what it is like being Britney. Five people were tripping over themselves to carry his bags, take my car, turn on the TV...unbelievable. Fresh flowers in the room, complimentary tea service. I cannot believe this retarded alcoholic gets to live like this. As I surveyed the room tonight, I was thinking how lucky I am to experience this. People can live a lifetime and not know this kind of luxury. San Fran did not like my hair....I have to admit after a shower this am it is sort of taking on a bright red Bozo the Clown-esque hue (an unrelated side note, I did meet the REAL Bozo the clown in traffic court one time in Chicago. He was a small unassuming Italian man with a straw hat in hand in court. Quite a nice man.) Most importantly, I scratched the itch that has been bothering me for the last two months. It is nice having a pretend boyfriend. He plays along and does a good acting job. It just is not enough for me. I want more. I want a real boyfriend. San Fran checks out after a while. We didn't say a word to each other for hours today. He gets calls and hits ignore when we are together. I am a realist...he has some action in San Francisco. It is just a matter of time until my pretend boyfriend is somebody else's real boyfriend. I am tired and sore. My hips feel like they are ripping out of my sockets. I have bruising from my knees up. I feel sad, and raw, and poor.....emotionally, financially and spiritually. There has got to be more than this. Has to be. More.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Metaphysics 101

I am so smoking hot as a red head, I want to fuck myself! I love love love my new hair! It is quite a change to go from uber blond to a tarty red head. San Fran is coming in tonight and for him I anticipate it will be like cheating on me, with me! (I know this is going to sound bad especially with me bitching about my dry spell, but San Fran had better NOT mess up my hair!) Brief trip to the Mac counter to get make-up which compliments my new look. It is amazing the change something as silly as hair color makes, not only externally, but internally as well. I feel different. Perhaps I was meant to begin my journey of self-improvement as a fiery red head. I have heard the phrase, "fake it till you make it" in a variety of contexts from sales seminars to metaphysical discussions (even applies to sex!) I can begin creating a new persona by making the simple changes and working up to the more difficult ones. Who cares what precedes change as long as we do it. I have long believed that you are either moving forward or backward, we never are at a standstill. When I am making different (and good) choices I find that good things happen. This is basic metaphysics. Like attracts like and energy is the lightest and most portable currency we have. I intend to use my new look as a spring board to the new me. My journey will begin, in earnest, after I get back from Vegas though. I am only human.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Self-Improvement and me?

Dream as if you will live forever. Live as if you will die today.
- James Dean

My personal belief is that self-improvement is for the other guy. This explains why I still smoke, drink like a frat boy and avoid the gym at all costs. Hey, I am not proud of this deeply rooted belief system, just honest about it. I look around at my old party buddies and I notice I am pretty much the only one left proscribing to this way of life. Sissy is working out like an obsessive freak and making major changes to her body and lifestyle. MILFie is running marathons, MARATHONS!! MBA quit drinking, chewing tobacco, and now works out every day eating only whole and healthy foods (he told me he had a Pepsi yesterday and wanted to put a bullet in his head!) Everybody I know works out at the bare minimum. I have decided today, that self-improvement may in fact, drum roll, be for me as well. This morning, I signed up for a creative writing class at UCLA's Writer's Workshop. There may be more thoughtfully crafted blog entries in your future my Filthy and Gorgeous posse! I called Boy Gorgeous and committed to a regular work out schedule with him. I called my trainer and left a message that I was ready to jump back into his regime of pain. I had cottage cheese for lunch (I just have to look at my ass to remember that you are what you eat. Sigh.) I am ready for change. Buddah said, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I just have to look to my close circle of friends to see this is true. Thank you!

An embarassment of male riches

Oh decisions decisions.....my neighbor's friend, Mr. June Lake, is in town this week. Night before last, there was a pounding at my door, I opened it to see the uber hot JL holding a HUGE wedding picture up....told me it made him think about me. JL is honestly, the funniest person I have ever met. We have spent some time drinking beer with JL the human cartoon character/comedian entertaining us over the years. He dropped the picture and shamelessly grabbed me and while adeptly grabbing my ass, planted one (full on tongue) before I knew what had hit me. JL always finds a need to take off his shirt around me, revealing a smoking hot and cut bod with the coolest tattoos across his broad and muscular shoulders (has the entire "Where the Wild Things Are" book tattooed across his shoulders in black and white. Really cool. ) We had a couple of beers when he began the flattery, he doesn't understand how his friend can live next to such a smoking hot chick and not try to tap that! (Wow. Swoon.) He is only here for a couple of days with a thin wall separating us.....I will not lie when I say I am very tempted to let the rumpus begin with JL. ME-OW! Today, I have a date with Skeptic (albeit a brief one, he has allowed about 2-3 hours for me.) It seems he is coming out of his funk a touch and we will see where this goes, if anywhere. Finally, San Fran will be here Saturday. I am surprised that I am actually excited to see him. It has been two months since I saw him on my birthday. So this is how it goes, famine to a feast of muscular male flesh. Could it be that I am getting my mojo back? Dare I hope?

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Oh No he didn't.........

Oh HELL no! Here is the email I just got from Dolphin Man;

Kat, my sexiest love,

Nice hearing from you yesterday, Kat. Good to hear you are feeling better. I'm looking forward to getting together again after your Vegas trip, perhaps later next week. I want both uf us to be in top health when we meet, though! I want us both to totally & completely enjoy our time, conversations & experience together, OK???

Oh yes, sorry for exposing too much of my chest at dinner! I can't believe I looked like such a slut! I'll wear my starched priest's outfit next time we meet, unless you have another dress style you prefer...just say the word, cutie! And yes, I thoroughly enjoyed your plunging, so naughtily "oopsy" revealing 50's dress! It was very, very entertaining & alluring. You do that very, very well... DAMN NAUGHTY TEASER! By the way, I'm at dolphinman@iamafag.com if for any reason you don't have time to communicate by gracing me over the phone with your soft, sexy voice....Stay well & keep in close, close touch,

Yours, Dolphin Man

Guess the slutty June Cleaver dress works.....a little too well. I will have to make sure to only bust that for a man that I know can handle it. So, this guy goes into the blocked call list. G-r-0-S-S!!!!

Monday, May 07, 2007

Dating for Food

I fucked up. I am brokey broke for the rest of this month. I was overzealous paying off credit card bills this month and I now have, on the 7th of the month, EXACTLY 260 bucks to make it through the end of the month. To further complicate matters, I have a hair appointment next Saturday ($110 bucks), nails ($30 bucks) and have to pay the dog sitter when I go to Vegas for work next week ($90 bucks). My friend Mr. MBA from Chicago said, as if it were obvious, well just cancel your hair appointment. Nuh UH!! I will starve before I do that (I don't know why he thought my response was so fucking funny.) So, I have begun to plot my survival for the remainder of May.....I have some food here which will get me by on lean evenings. I picked up a bad habit from my mother, I have a freezer full of food. It is like "money in the bank" the way I was raised. So, Thursday I have a date with Skeptic. He will buy me dinner. Saturday, San Fran is coming in town and I know I can count on him to pay for EVERYTHING this weekend. Monday through Wednesday, I will be in Vegas for work so I can expense all my meals and lots of cocktails. Or, I can just hang out with my boss (I am his Gilligan, he takes me everywhere as his 'lil buddy) and never touch a check. So, that brings me smack dab into the middle of the month. I can schedule "meetings" for lunch with my work acquaintances...and if I plan it correctly I will go to the places where there are left overs that are edible at the end of a work day. I think I can count on Dolphin Man for a couple of meals. I will still have to spread my web to bring more guys into the mix that will feed me and I will likely incur some additional credit card debt for incidentals. Finally, and lastly, I have friends that I know will buy me a drink or two. So, dating for food/cocktails. I am not proud. Back in the day I have put out for a six pack and a pizza. I guess things just come full circle.

This one is juuuussst right...............

Sometimes I feel like Goldilocks when dating. This one is too passive, this one is too short, this one is.....never "just right". I was optimistic about meeting the EHarmony guy for dinner last night. We seem to have a lot in common. Even our last two cars were the same. He is smart, he is funny, he is successful, wants kids, loves dogs and travels to cool and exotic locations a lot. He is a genuinely nice man with a lot to offer any woman. We met for dinner last night, first face to face meeting. He is shorter than me, which in and of itself wouldn't be a problem but he is a lithe man.....I have a feeling I could snap him in two with my strong Viking woman thighs. He has very small hands. Worst of all, he was wearing a dolphin necklace with mother of pearl on it. Ee. So very New Age and gay.......he is older than I, which is why he is in a place to give me what I need financially......theoretically, I could not work and stay home. I could be a lady that lunches, knits, works out, shops all day. I could not help but compare him to San Fran and Skeptic.....guys my own age with rock hard muscular bodies. When I wrap my arms (and legs) around them, I know I am with a M-A-N. They are also quite good looking. New Age guy is good looking but in a more delicate older guy way. He also seemed confused about things such as the valet. What really took me aback was when he used words like "tummy" and talked about how he accesses his physical, mental and emotional well-being. I mean, it is one thing to be self-actualized but this is a little much for me. (Mr. MBA absolutely agrees with me, he dumped a chick for calling his penis a "wee wee") What is wrong with me? If I were to go out with the New Age guy, I would be with someone that would be kind, capable of offering me everything I want and would LOVE me with all his heart and soul....yet, I am still craving the male machismo of a Skeptic or San Fran. Is there ever a "just right?" Can we have our needs met by only one other person? Why do I not want someone who is very clearly a catch? I think I am destined to constantly be kicking tires looking for the "ONE" that will allow me to rest easy. Wondering who will be sleeping in my bed and eating my porrage next.