Thursday, October 29, 2009

Devil's Playground

Last week had to be the worst week I have ever had professionally. Monday night, I was having mad panic attacks and the Xanax just wasn't touching them. At some point, I decided full on sedation was the only thing I could do and I took an Ambian and was out by ten. 12:30 comes around and Poly guy called me (I have no recollection of this.) Evidently, I said something he didn't like and he dumped me. Tuesday morning I wake up and think, wow...what a bad dream. I thought I had dreamed being dumped until about three hours into my day when I noticed the completed call in my phone log. D'oh! For the best in that I don't think I can handle a Big Love sort of lifestyle. I was surprisingly miserable over it and my work week continued to suck heavy metal ass. Even my iPod conspired to make me miserable. Every romantic and emo song seemed to come up in the shuffle. I looked at it and cried, "et tu iPod?!?!?" Friday night, I went to Freakishly Tall Guy's house where he made me an amazing dinner followed by a steady stream of Sex Crack. Upon arrival home at 2AM PolyGuy was iming me. He wants me back. Sure, why not. I never see him so it isn't like it impacts my life in any significant fashion. He left to visit his parents for a week and we will see if he steps up his game when he gets back. Yesterday, he asked me to do something that would permanently alter my body.....FOREVER. He balked when I replied with a HELLZ NO! Stating I was only willing to submit to him on my terms....he didn't like it when I told him that I really needed him to have a little skin in the game and reminded him he dumped me last week. Not inspiring much security or confidence in our "relationship" or whatever you call this..... in the meantime, I have a date tonight with PopStar. I am sick of sitting around with my thumb up my ass not getting any (sex, companionship, consideration, time.) I will have to remind PolyGuy what they say about idle hands.......

Monday, October 19, 2009

could not be right before my eyes?

Recently, what has caught me most off-guard is how much I am loved/coveted. Facebook has been a mad ego boost for the girl. EVERY single guy I knew in high school chats with me, and eventually admits their hs (and lingering) crush on me. I am still retarded this way, I never get when guys like me. My picker is terminally broken.

Today was a really bad day, both personally and professionally. I wanted to kill myself until Mr. MBA told me I should just move home and marry him. We have talked every day for the last eight years I have been out here. We have been friends for fifteen... Tonight he knew I was super unhappy, vulnerable and fucked up. He said, "Kat, I will always take care of you. I should be your first call if you are in trouble. No strings. I love you."

I love him too. What a fucked up fucking day.