Tuesday, December 22, 2009

a whore is a whore


My fellow lovers, I have been blogging elsewhere as I cannot talk about my debauched love affair here.

I am totally in love with Big Love, aka. Poly Guy.

After he dumped me in October we renegotiated our situation. I am actually totally cool. He has shared honestly with me and now I know the lay of the land.

I was out with Doc last Saturday for lunch. He lives with a woman and recently bought a home with her yet he incessantly screws around. He was giving me shit about my choice to be with Big Love. I am not a fan of hypocrisy so I called him on his shit. Big Love loves me, and he loves two other women. He is honest about it. Doc screws around, doesn't make connections and gets off on the duplicity. Big Love is honest. He loves me and there are two other women. We all matter to him. It isn't about getting his dick wet.

If Big Love were expecting me to be loyal to him I would say no fucking way Jose. In this relationship I am finding a freedom I never thought you could have. He is my primary. I love the shit out of him and vice verse. I am still free to explore other people. The core is my loving of who he is. I am still coming to terms with that alone.

My longest relationship was 11 years. Yup, 11 fucking years. When you are with someone this long, you know their every move. It becomes tedious. Sex every night i the same the same the fucking same...it's not like you are suddenly going to bust out some fucking rock star new move. You know what they will order at the restaurant, how they will valet the car...which team they watch and root for. It really gets boring as shit.

I am making a bold statement; I am a polyamourous woman. I can maintain multiple serious relationships at one time as can Big Love. He is my primary. Everything flows so beautifully from there.

so you straight Christians that are my blog readers, just letting you know where I've been and what I have been doing. I hope you are well.

Monday, November 09, 2009

such a double edged sword......

I saw PolyGuy last Thursday after a three week separation. He came over and I made a fabulous dinner. We had a wonderful time catching up. I love him. If it weren't for this whole polyamory bullshit thing I would be head over heels. I just don't know if I can do it. I deserve better than that. It is hard when I am looking over a candlelit table, laughing and happy to think of anything but capturing the moment. Sunday, he picked me up and took me to Philipe's in downtown Los Angeles. This is a restaurant famous for having invented the french dip sandwich. The lines were long but the wait was made bearable because I hung on him as we laughed and talked. Lunch was perfect and we went to a sex store and picked up some goodies. Back to my place to give them a test drive. We had a perfect day together, something between us has changed and it is so natural and, well, right. He commented that we have moved into a new phase, that he felt it too. So why am I so bloody blue today? In my heart of hearts I know it isn't right for me. Can this or will this lead anywhere except heartbreak for me.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Devil's Playground

Last week had to be the worst week I have ever had professionally. Monday night, I was having mad panic attacks and the Xanax just wasn't touching them. At some point, I decided full on sedation was the only thing I could do and I took an Ambian and was out by ten. 12:30 comes around and Poly guy called me (I have no recollection of this.) Evidently, I said something he didn't like and he dumped me. Tuesday morning I wake up and think, wow...what a bad dream. I thought I had dreamed being dumped until about three hours into my day when I noticed the completed call in my phone log. D'oh! For the best in that I don't think I can handle a Big Love sort of lifestyle. I was surprisingly miserable over it and my work week continued to suck heavy metal ass. Even my iPod conspired to make me miserable. Every romantic and emo song seemed to come up in the shuffle. I looked at it and cried, "et tu iPod?!?!?" Friday night, I went to Freakishly Tall Guy's house where he made me an amazing dinner followed by a steady stream of Sex Crack. Upon arrival home at 2AM PolyGuy was iming me. He wants me back. Sure, why not. I never see him so it isn't like it impacts my life in any significant fashion. He left to visit his parents for a week and we will see if he steps up his game when he gets back. Yesterday, he asked me to do something that would permanently alter my body.....FOREVER. He balked when I replied with a HELLZ NO! Stating I was only willing to submit to him on my terms....he didn't like it when I told him that I really needed him to have a little skin in the game and reminded him he dumped me last week. Not inspiring much security or confidence in our "relationship" or whatever you call this..... in the meantime, I have a date tonight with PopStar. I am sick of sitting around with my thumb up my ass not getting any (sex, companionship, consideration, time.) I will have to remind PolyGuy what they say about idle hands.......

Monday, October 19, 2009

could not be right before my eyes?

Recently, what has caught me most off-guard is how much I am loved/coveted. Facebook has been a mad ego boost for the girl. EVERY single guy I knew in high school chats with me, and eventually admits their hs (and lingering) crush on me. I am still retarded this way, I never get when guys like me. My picker is terminally broken.

Today was a really bad day, both personally and professionally. I wanted to kill myself until Mr. MBA told me I should just move home and marry him. We have talked every day for the last eight years I have been out here. We have been friends for fifteen... Tonight he knew I was super unhappy, vulnerable and fucked up. He said, "Kat, I will always take care of you. I should be your first call if you are in trouble. No strings. I love you."

I love him too. What a fucked up fucking day.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I dunno about this......

I have not been having a good go of it lately. After falling off my shoes then shitting my pants, I developed the most remarkable urinary tract infection. In the meantime, I decided to get involved with a polygamist. I don't think this is going to work for me. The idea of having another woman around to clean is appealing (I have long said I would like to have my own wife) I think that I just may be too much of an attention whore to find satisfaction in this dynamic. I have seen him only once in the last two weeks (which isn't entirely his fault as I did have fire in the hole and a trip to Mexico during this time period.) I am not experimenting with different lifestyles to find myself even more alone and isolated which seems to be what is occurring now. Plus, he sucks in bed. He is a humper and a prolific one at that. All signs point to experiment fail. We haven't delved very deep into this relationship and I find myself already feeling sad, neglected and alone. I also have a lot of time to fill.....apparantly I spend a good deal of time dating, chatting with boys or fishing for more of them. I'm bored as shit with nothing to back fill these dating activities. Tonight PolyGuy is coming over. Not quite sure what is worse, a doll collector that is honest about his intentions or a guy that cloaks the same activities in concern, love and promises of "forever." I will let you know Posse.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

double ended volcano

Friday night, I twisted my ankle wearing rediculously high heels while out with my gays in WeHo. I was fine until Saturday morning when I found myself in the emergency room being X-rayed, splinted and shot in the ass with morphene. As the doc approached me with the needle I said, "Isn't that a little extreme shooting me with (shot) mooorreephene...helloooooo lover. Where ya been all my life?" I spent the rest of the weekend popping pain pills, in and out of conciousness. It is a drug fuled blurr to be honest. Monday, I overslept for my company con call, fell asleep while on it and then slept a good portion of the day on the clock. I do not fare well with pain meds as Monday afternoon I started throwing up. The problem for me is there is no lead time. No tell-tale mouth watering, sweaty brow, churning stomach....you are just there and the next thing you know you are spewing the Niagra Falls of vomit onto whatever happens to be in your path. This continued on until Tuesday when I mustered the nerve to leave my place. I did some work related errand. I was out at the UPS store when something really unexpected happened. I shit my pants. Same as the barfing. No warning. No burning. I ran out of the UPS store hoping nobody noticed and came home. No more incidents last night, phew. This morning I got up and took the dogs out. Shit my pants, more accurately shorts. Thank God I was wearing a long sweater or that would have been even more embarassing. I white knuckled it through the day as I had to take the train down to Orange County and sit in long meetings not knowing if my body would continue to rebel on me. MILFie and I were talking today and I expressed my fear. She said, "I hope your brought double of everything! And also some Pleasure Wipes would come in handy!" I limped through the day on my crutches fearful that every grumble and groan in my belly would lead to professional doom. You can imagine my relief when I got back on the train home without incident. I texted MILFie, "I didn't shit my pants today!! I rolled the dice and ate some cheese. LITERALLY a crapshoot!" yay! It dawned on me that I am either WAYYYYY too old or WAYYYY to young to be worrying about such things. At this stage of my life, I shouldn't give a shit.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

One is silver and the other's gold....

Who knew the Girl Scouts would still be relevant for this old bag? The song about making new friends and keeping the old is still quite apt. OriginalKat is genuINE, certified 14K gold friendness. We have been friends since grade school with a brief (9 or 10 year??) lapse in conversation. Humiliating gym uniforms and spin the bottle at Elm Place middle school. Deep psychic pubescent wounds that will never heal (thank you DM!) Getting high together at HPHS, travelled the world singing with the choir, forged our way into the world after college (me living on her sofa pretty much for a year afterward,) we were bridesmaids for one another. Great friends just have a short-hand. Years melt...she is uber mom to three beautiful boys. I was somewhat pissed that the older one didn't recognize me, he has met me...(running around in diapers at 1 1/2...but still!) The Husband is still that great amazing catch she recognized 14 years ago this Wednesday (bridesmaid and florist for her wedding. First event ever at the restored Navy Pier and it was just magical!) We spent the evening talking about past experiences, lost friends and current woes. The beautiful thing about it to me is that there is no wall..no representative. We just talked honestly. Two women. Two friends.

The bar across the street from her apartment she so graciously allowed me to squat in after college in Chicago...above the Time Well (remember the rope fire ladder your dad bought you OriginalKat???) was call the Crash Palace (cherry bombs are deadly by the way.) Her fav tshirt is one from there...Elvis shoveling a fork full of pills into his mouth. I had that shirt too and lost it. I need to be more thoughtful with things I care about from my past. Love you OriginalKat!

I found this review of the Crash Palace on the internets....seems appropriate as this is where we spent EVERY Wednesday for years;

"The Crash Palace is dark. The people wear black. The music is hip. The music is loud. The drinks are cheap. The men's restroom is dirty. The Psychotronic Film Society presents B movies here once a week. There is no one here on weekdays until late. There is no cover any day of the week. There are images of Jesus on the red walls. You'll probably either really like this place or dislike it intensely."

– Sweet Home Chicago – The Real City Guide (1993)

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

I will school you boyz!


It is Wednesday and I have been up since 5AM. I have over 200 miles to drive and five account calls ahead of me today. Tomorrow will be much the same.

It has been a quiet week, Freakishly Tall Guy is at Burningman. SurfGirl just dumped her famous movie star boyfriend and he was also desert bound. I don't get it. From what I gather, it is a drug and sex party attended by 220,000 people all coming together to be individuals. Hey, I did something similar when I was in my 2os...it was called the Grateful Dead. At least we had some shitty music to bind us together. Some guy I was talking to told me that he had thought the same thing about Burningman until he went, "It is a cultural happening. A celebration!" When pressed about what the cohesive theme to this event was he said, "It is like Mardi Gras and Carnival rolled into one!" Yup, drug and sex party like I said. SurfGirl and I pinkie truced that if we ever dated a man that aspired to go to Burningman that was an immediate termination. Irresponsible and juvenile. I suspect after a few days in the desert with free love and no showers, Pleasure Wipes are looking pretty darn good.

Went back to the Internet fishing hole to work on my pipeline. Have a couple of tunas on the hook. Have not heard from SoonToBeFameousGuy. Have a date with LaundryMan Friday. It was a bit of an awkward conversation with him last night. Last time we chatted, I told him he needed to work on his kissing (there MAY have been alcohol involved.) Last night he told me he had hired a hooker to work on his skillz with...I just played dumb and pretended not to know what he was talking about. Oopsie! Reason ten thousand and one on why not to drink and chat. In my own defense, he is the worst kisser ever.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

One door closes....let's see what's behind door no. 2

I'm not sure if me being a bit blue today is a function of being tired and hung over or that our good time last night was ruined, partially by me. Freakishly Tall Guy texting me also bummed me out. I was lead down the primrose path by him and I feel pretty duped. Pretty amazing that a guy like that can get endless tail.

Speaking of endless tail, I should perk up. I have a date with SoonToBeFameousGuy. I have known him for months, neighborhood guy. Pretty cute, tall but a "comedian." My response was, "yeah, so am I." Living in LA I have developed an immediate distaste for those in the "biz" and dismissed him without a second thought. Most actors etc. are narcissistic hacks that are pretty vapid in my experience. On my date a couple of weeks ago, SoonToBeFameousGuy was flirting with me in front of the LaundryMan. He followed me outside to have a cig and said, "I just got the trailer for my show today. I'm pretty excited. Wanna see?" Anticipating a low budget public access type trailer a la Wayne's World I nonchalantly said, "yeah. Sure." He pulled out his iPhone and starts the video for his show, that is debuting next season on Fox called 'The SoonToBeFameousGuy Show.' Color me gobsmacked. He is actually a working actor with his own show coming out. Hello lover......We have been texting for a couple of weeks and just haven't been able to hook up. Tonight's the night!

UPDATE: Fell asleep on the couch. Missed our date. Oopsie.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Liza at the Bowl

It it embarrassing for me to have a Prince Charming. Hollywood Bowl for Liza tonight with my gays. ABC chick and I were taking too loudly for some people's preference. Nobody said a word...until intermission. Gay douche behind me slapped my drink out of my hand. I was soaked as was the poor girl in front of me. They called over the ushers...who got their managers...got ugly. Nobody likes a group of nasty queens. I was sopping wet, the dramz was too much so we left. Pretty expensive couple of hours. In the meantime...FTG was inviting me over for a 3some (he has a big pair doesn't he? EW!)....SoonToBeFameous guy wants to hang out and party, Laundry Guy...well just texting. My hero is ABC Chick. Maybe I should look more closely at being a lesbian.


A week of revelations.

In LA, it is hard to believe I could meet people that know Freakishly Tall Guy but I did. He has quite the reputation for being a "doll collector" and I have been his latest conquest. I am freaking out as I am now confident he is not very selective on where he sticks his penis. Every itch I have is scabies, every zit forming is herpes and every stomachache is the clap. I (PROBABLY) didn't catch anything, but the idea is keeping me up at night. In this instance, KnitStar's observation that most men are looking for three quiet wet spots with no sharp edges is spot on. EW.

How is quantity over quality more rewarding? FTG asked me over last night and I just couldn't manage the doe-eyed empty gaze, pursed lips and "momma" when you tipped me over. When I think of his place now, it is a bio hazard zone in my mind. Just couldn't do it. Done. How can other women accept this? He does it because they allow it. What does this say about us as women in LA? Despite being seemingly tough, I recognize that I have a porcelain exterior. I am not going to wait around for that to be broken or chipped. Or to be tossed aside for a shiny new doll. I collected dolls once too, but then I grew up.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Facing My Fears.....Fueled By Beers

One of my friends noted that I seem to put myself in bizarre situations constantly. Last weekend, I finally agreed to go with my new girl crush SurfGirl and learn to surf. I also told Mellow I am going to take the plunge and learn to dive. Tonight, I am having dinner with a couple that does extreme BDSM porn. Saturday, 3some...this time with another girl. In the light of day, it is apparent to me that I am a big chicken and this was alcohol talking. Will I go through with it? Absofuckinglutely! My 3rd grade SpellingPartner (and best friend up until a blow out fight about 7 years ago...) used to be the more adventurous of the two us. She went lesbo for a while, then was part of a Poly relationship, dated tons of different ethnicities.....now, she is married to a Jewish doctor, two kids and living in the suburbs. She is a housewife. When telling her about my opportunities I was surprised by the verve with which she said, "DO IT!!!! Do it while you still can! We aren't getting any younger and take every opportunity that comes your way!!!" As lonely as my life can be from time to time, at least I can still have experiences that most only fantasize about. While I continue on my quest for Mr. Right, I need to remember what a blessing total freedom can be and not waste it. I should be taking my writing classes, climbing mountains, interacting with all kinds of diverse people. I may be a chicken, but I am a free range one! Some may say DEranged....

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Bad Fad

Never wanting to miss a fad, I was strangely fascinated by the Pleasure Wipes. Am I so old school that I think good hygiene and soap and water is enough to make my deep cavernous hole a tasty treat to men? If you ask me, my shit is tight and is very much like sucking on moonbeams or having an encounter with a mythical unicorn. Then again, what I know about men could fill a thimble and my opinion (sadly) doesn't matter. I was wondering if I was out of touch with pussy protocol, as if I were walking around with a 70s bush baby downtown...so I polled the posse. In my defense, 100% polled have never heard of a Pleasure Wipe. The women universally wondered how nasty does your shit have to be and what funk are you trying to cover to use them? With one exception, the men all prefer a woman to smell and taste like a woman. The exception, the very kinky Japanese guy I am friends with. He said, "VANILLA!!! I would be there for a day straight!" Of note was how often the men did mention they have had a disgusting encounter downtown where the Pleasure Wipe would have been of use. I am happy to say after my super scientific research that the fad is bad! Also at stake here, my personal well-being. One degree of separation from someone that obviously needs this level of personal cover-up is likely to have some bad ju ju going on. Bad ju ju=stinky spoo spoo. Nuff said.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Coming down from the buzz is a bitch

It occurs to me that when you reach a certain age, dating is much different than it was when you were younger. Youth allows you a certain wanton recklessness with your time and who your are dating is a function of how much fun they are. This is how I spent my 20s and 30s. I never really "picked" who I was with. I found myself falling from one serious relationship to the next, leaving when my needs stopped being met or something new and shiny caught my attention. As long as you didn't catch something like a disease or a baby, it is all fun and games and nothing went on your permanent record.

Now, I am 40 something.

It is an entirely different landscape. Los Angeles exacerbates the symptoms, like dropping dating acid. It is surreal, unpredictable and the minute you start to trip balls you want it to end. I was with Freakishly Tall Guy last night. I haven't seen him for a week and when I complained you may remember he told me to "get some filler booty." He did call me Saturday night for a booty call at 12:30....I told him I was with "filler booty" and couldn't come over. It is amazing what Sherlock Holmes (me) notices when I come into his apartment. There is a new decorative refrigerator magnet...an empty bottle of Pinot Grigio (FTG would die of thirst before he ever drank that.) When I went in the bathroom there was a wrapper for "Pleasure Wipes" in strawberry flavor in the garbage can. Yea, we had fun. Yea, the sex was great. Somehow that isn't enough. I am coming down from my high and want it to end.

I am worried about what will go on my permanent record now. Call me old fashioned, but I would prefer to keep my cookie neat and clean by showering and not have to use "Pleasure Wipes." I want sex to smell and taste like sex...not the available flavors of vanilla, mango or strawberry (or in my mind, scented candles, tropical fruit drink or straberry shortcake.) Someone that wants (or more scary, NEEDS) their cookie to taste like a strawberry shortcake is likely someone I don't want to be one degree of separation from.

This isn't going anywhere. According to Doc, he does like me but for whatever reason, I am not going to be someone he commits to. It would be much easier if I could find some dating weed to take the edge off of coming down.

Monday, August 10, 2009

nip slip

Sonofabitch. I have gotten pretty spoiled working from my home office. I resented getting showered and dressed on a Monday morning. Usually I rock Mondays out in sweats and tshrit. Basically, jammies. Had to do a training this morning and got all professional: fluffy and shiny. I do my training, and on my way out I notice my left nipple decided to make a run for the border. Did I mention my blouse was a couture Nanette Lapour ridiculously expensive top...and see-thru? So, I showed my tit to twenty of my former co-workers. As I am digesting what occurred, I had the thought...dammit! It cost me a fortune to look this cheap.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

so much for the flow.....

UPDATE: tentative plans with FTG today and I just got this IM;

FTG: hey you - had fun yesterday! poor "happy but unsatisifed whore"! LOL see you soon...

I love the impersonal, hey YOU.....guess we aren't doing anything today. Good for me, going to Venice with AppleBottom anyway.

UPDATE: FTG wanted me to come over at 8. I said no. Tuesday perhaps? Perhaps.......

Chop Wood, Carry Water

Sunday morning and reflecting on my weekend. Friday, had a blast with Freakishly Tall Guy and AppleBottom. First, started over at FTG's house for a little "reunion" if you catch my drift. We hadn't seen each other for a week and a half and had some catching up to do. Interesting going to meet AppleBottom with rope marks on my arms and chest...we also wore the "I've tried Menage a Trois" buttons that AppleBottom gave me as a joke. Don't think she would have given them to me if she thought I would actually wear them. We went to Cafe Cordilaire....ok R&B band and lots of wine. Went to the Chimney Sweep afterward, I was cut off before I even got started there. I got to spend the night at FTG's house. It has been so long since I have slept in someone's arms. I have to say, I really miss it.

Saturday, we slept in, fooled around a couple more times. We went the ABC chick's bday party in Malibu. It was nice to have a +1. The Kittens and The Brads were fun as usual. FTG had to leave early, but I stayed spending a nice relaxing day on the beach with some good company.

I am looking for some odd angle, or a place to insert some acerbic witticism into this story, but I can't find it. It was comfortable being with FTG. I am at center right now. I am not wrestling with any internal turmoil. I am like water and FTG is the rock that I flow over, slowly wearing down. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I am happy to go with the flow for now. I inadvertently smuggled some of Paradise Cove back to the Valley. I am like the Thomas's English Muffin for sand, so many nooks and crannies to hide in! Shower then mourning the weekend. It was a nice one.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Being a minx is a double edged sword.......

Travelled with Current Boss all day today. I think my emo hormonal shit from going back on the kill pill has passed. I had a great day. Until 5PM. There was an industry drinking and fighting event at the Sagebrush today. En route, I had to confess to Current Boss that I had a bit of an awkward situation about to unfold. I had (inadvertantly) found myself dating my Old Boss. Current Boss found this hysterically funny. Over the last 8 years, I have considered Old Boss a friend. Often, we would get together for drinks and go to industry events in groups. Several months ago, the invitations were coming more frequently, and the groups becoming smaller. Finally, we were at a Laker's game when it dawned on me that, holy shit! I am on a date with Old Boss! As I had this epiphany, he reached for my hand. FUCK!!! I handled this in the most mature fashion I could muster, I just stopped taking his calls or answering texts and emails. I know he has been butt hurt, I am hearing it from a lot of people. I had to face the inevitable, and that was tonight. I warned Current Boss that I expected him to be my human shield. I took a deep breath as we approached Sagebrush and motherfucker! Old Boss was blocking the only entrance into the bar. He greeted me with an enthusiastic, "Kaatttt!!! How are you?!?!?!" and then looked me up and down commenting on how much weight I have lost and that I am too skinny...Current Boss crept away. I tore myself away from Old Boss and smacked Current Boss, "way to be a human shield! And thanks for ditching me!!" He said he did body block but I went in front of him instead of in back and, "I had to leave when he started checking you out, got creepy....." Old Boss sort of followed me around.

Adding to the discomfort of the evening, I also ran into Potential Future Boss. He offered me a job back in Jan. Mind you, he has been trying to hire me for five years. I told him I was interested, and never heard from him again. Basically, he doesn't trust himself to control his penis around me which is why he didn't hire me. Good times.

I did hear from Freakishly Tall Guy today. My stomach flipped when he asked to chat with me, I was convinced I was being dumped. He wants to spend Friday and all day Saturday with me! What a nice surprise! I am looking forward to this weekend. It is nice to have some wanted male attention! Meow!

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Beach Party!

Sunday night I lost my shit on Freakishly Tall Guy. He has been invited to a party with me next Saturday thrown by The Kittens and our best gays, The Brads. This is sure to be a top-shelf event as that is how The Kittens and The Brads roll. I have been planning my outfit for this beach party for a month. I got my nails done in a hot pink with white flowers and pink diamonds on my toes to match my hot pink bikini and floral wrap. I bought the bday girl a $70 bottle of Woodford Reserve whiskey and ordered a lei. I still am on a quest for the perfect card. The "official" beach party goes from 2-5 but we were told to plan on partying way into the evening. So, when FTG told me he had to leave to help a "friend" at 7.....frankly I was pissed. I am allowing him to be my "plus one" to this event, and some other bitch will be getting laid Saturday night. Mind you, this convo did happen at 10PM Sunday, I was exhausted, just started back on the kill pill and have been emo for several days and the full moon cometh. So, I apologized to FTG yesterday and he was ice cold. I asked if we were still on for Wednesday and he non-commitally said, "We had plans Wednesday. er, ok if we had plans I guess so......" No surprise I get the text yesterday afternoon bowing out as he has to go "work." I am beyond caring so I just gave him some, "go get 'em tigers! Land that account! No worries....." Normally, if we had to change plans he would give me an alternate time..but nope. So, in true metaphysics 101 fashion....just as I was taking his news with equanimity...I get an email from a guy I have been talking to on Plentyoffish.com. Hot hot hot piece of ass and seems funny and smart from our emails. He wants to meet and the only day he can do cocktails is Wednesday! One door closes, another one opens. Ultimately, I fucked up with FTG. Sissy thinks he will bail on the Kitten party yet. As Annie Hall would say, "la ti dah, la ti dah!"

Monday, August 03, 2009

Deep Thoughts and Tough Love

In my conversation today with Latin Lover, he gives me some sage advice regarding men;

Latin Lover: men have no commitment to anything, men are like animals, the second they find something new to sniff or something they are interested in, they're gonna do it unless they fear consequences. men in power, will do whatever they want, and all you do is let men have power

spankie: hm

Latin Lover: regardless of how cool or not you are, he doesn't appreciate what he doesn't have because, well he's a spoiled rotten guy. you can let him have sexual power, but you've given him sexual power and power in the relationship, friendship or sexual relationship or emotional relationship. he will treat you as he wishes

spankie: seriously....gives me something to chew on

Latin Lover: yeah and we both know you like putting things in your mouth

Have a Fierce August Boyz!

I'll make you sweat....
Love Betty OXOXO


It is Monday and I am exhausted today. I was thinking last night that I really wanted to go to sleep, but if I did it would be Monday. My job is becoming the Freddie Kruger of my Sunday nights, don't go to bed...just DON'T GO TO SLEEP! I have been working to keep my pipeline full. I have been dating like a fool. I went out with the Handicapped guy. He is incredibly good looking, funny, smart...but ultimately I am too shallow to date someone with an extreme handicap. BBFF is back in the picture. I knew he would come back eventually. He is Sex Meat and Potatoes, the smart choice on a variety of levels. Freakishly Tall Guy has been throwing some mad mixed messages. He gets very boyfriendy....yet I haven't rated a weekend date for three weeks now. He has "friends" and "they" are staying over, or he is staying with a "friend" in Santa Monica and "they" are going to take him to the airport, or this next Saturday we have plans which he will have to leave to help his "friend" set up for a wedding at 7pm and "they" asked him for help months ago. I get that I am just a pleasurable toy for him, I just don't like to have my nosed rubbed in it. There are two things I do not suffer well in this world; fools and liars. He is treating me like a fool and he is lying. As Hunter S. Thompson said, "In a world of thieves, the final sin is stupidity." I would like to make sure I do not fall into that category. I have other tunas on the hook, I will write more at those stories unfold. My new inspiration for coquettish fuckery is Anne Boleyn and I find myself trying to quash my gut reaction and ask myself, WWABD? I am cultivating my inner minx and it is working......let's hope I don't lose my head!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Body Temple Night

I decided to lay low after a super fun night with my Kittens and Freakishly Tall Guy last night. I cannot imagine how many dirty martinis I imbibed last night, but from how I am feeling today....I must have depleted the world's supply of Kettle One. I was supposed to go on a date tonight but just had to bail. I cannot rally. It is a shame because I was really looking forward to seeing The ChoirBoy. I have come to the realization I have to dial it back a scotch. I am dragging all the time and not hitting the gym regularly enough, eating well (or at all on some days,) and have a disgusting smoker's hack. Yes it's been fun...but I am getting too old for this shit and the rebound time is ridiculous. The irony is, I am really happy right now. I am dating a lot and really spending some quality time with my friends. I have taken control of things that have been looming over my head for a while. I have rid myself of the emotional vampires that tend to glom on to me. Financially, I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. My job is going well, my boss has been leaving me alone. Things are no longer spiraling out of control. Peaceful and happy....huh. Such an unfamiliar sensation.

Giving myself the yellow card

I'm back in the whorey saddle after my unfortunate experience with Minty Tingles. I am officially addicted to Sex Crack...aka Freakishly Tall Guy. Last weekend was an insane blurr of drunken activities with the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse and filthy sex. Saturday I had a 3some with Freakisly Tall Guy and the Sadist. What an intense experience. Hard to know where to focus, there was so much going on. During the process, I did stop to think how grateful I was that I had gone back to the gym so I could keep up! Freakishly Tall Guy was incredibly attentive and protective of me. It is weird to feel so cared for in such a filthy scenario. It is also odd to feel so proud of my "accomplishment" after being complimented for my performance. Saturday nights activities were follow by a naked pool party on Sunday. Never in my life did I imagine I would be trotting around naked, watching people do filthy sex acts while eating a cheeseburger. It is surreal. Boundaries crossed, skin bruised, taboos broken.....if life is a buffet as Auntie Mame claims, I certainly am not starving to death. I am more worried about gout.

The challenge will be not to get attached to him. During these intense situations one does make connections. I am like a dude in that I can separate sex and emotion but this is different. He has made it clear he has no interest in having more of a relationship and will not stop seeing other girls. He had a little freak out on me this week sensing I was developing feelings. We went out with my best lesbians last night and had a wonderful time. I need to step back and reaccess my situation. I am going to get hurt, badly.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Minty tingles and ready to mingles......

I had a wonderful holiday weekend. Probably one of the best ever, marred only by the fact I didn't get laid and am having a severe allergic reaction. I know I am allergic to spermacide...which I told Freakishly Tall Guy. Initially, as the allergic reaction unfolds, you can write it off as a bunch of different things, healing, UTI developing, STD developing....but eventually I had that Aaha! moment when it occrred to me to ask if the condoms had spermacide. Not only did they have spermacide, they have the bonus kick of "Minty Tingles" on the label. Minty tingles my ass!!! A marketing misnomer, should say "with fire in the hole" on the label. Not fun, and I have been put out of comission for a week now trying to get over this. In any event, I have a big date with Freakishly Tall Guy Saturday and a fun night planned for the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse on Friday at the Sweep. I just need to get through the next couple of work days. I have to be in San Diego by 9 am tomorrow, have to leave my house at 4 AM to catch the train. NOT a happy camper. I wonder if you can amputate your vagina?

Friday, July 03, 2009

Bondage Bonsai!

I am much more lucid today than last night. I met so many amazing people and had such a nice night. As I am rolling endless ears of corn in tin foil for the BBQ I am going to I can't help but think about how much I would like to be experiencing this weekend with someone special. I can be pretty cold and tough, but this BBFF not calling me thing has had me borderline weepy all week. He is a great guy, juxtaposed with Freakishly Tall Guy that wants to do some very filthy sexual activities with me. I am kinky for sure, but what he is suggesting pushes my boundaries. Sex parties, fetish clubs and threesomes! Oh my! What a lucky girl I am. I have some pretty purient sexual desires as is. What if I try these things and start to really really like them? I don't need to try crack to know I will likely enjoy it very much and become addicted. Why am I contemplating elevating Freakishly Tall Guy from Sex Candy to Sex Crack? It has proven impossible for me to find someone I want to be with. Imagine if I add, "turning me into Shibari Barbie" to the list of "must haves." I will be totally fucked! I have a week to decide. I need to leave and enjoy a weiner of an entirely different kind with the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Hope all of you are having as nice a holiday weekend as mine is shaping up to be.

Don't drink and blog...or try to make sense....

Talked to a tranny all night at the Sweep that thought she was passing. She wasn't. Unless you were Persian. Lucky charms! Wonderful night at the Sweep as usual. I was a Bar Star. I may just be too fucked up to blog about it. I cannot spell for shit and am using AppleBottom's driving technique by closing one eye. Nothing good comes of this so I should just say good night. I am going..really really leavinng. Will try to make sense of this at a later date. Peace out, I am FUCKED UP.

UPDATE: As fucked up as I am I still have to trot the hounds. They are very obediant so at this time of night, took them out off leash. They love it, we ran for blocks.....I try to tire them out with running away and then running back. It is shameful I have these kinds of dogs confined to an apartment. So, we get back inside the gates, and they go NUTS. Random guy, dropping off his rent check. Welcome to my "secure" complex. Who is randomly buzzing people in? Heads gonna roll tomorrow. I hear the buzzer now...kill kill kill.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Happy 4th!! See you at the beach bitches!

I'll make you see fireworks boys! xoxoxo Betty

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Didn't see this one coming (as usual!)

Just got back from some Sex Candy with Freakishly Tall Guy. I was a bit flippin' my lid on the way in....he mentioned he had a "proposal" for me. Sissy said, "THREESOME!" I reminded her, in my world you can never go to the logical place. You have to just let things unfold and know the outcome will be the last thing you ever expected. I went to his apartment and we drank wine and chatted for almost two hours. He said, "not to give you a big head but I have to say I have sunk considerable time into finding your blog." I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks, nice to know he is thinking of me. So, the "proposal." He said he would like to take it to the next level and spend more time together. "We don't always have to do sexual things. We could just hang out and BBQ." He also made me promise the next time I was as sick as I was Sunday, I would call him. "After everything you have done for me, I could bring you some chicken soup. Promise you'll call?" WTF? Was today opposite day and I missed the memo? Ultimately, we had wild monkey sex, blah blah blah. My head is still spinning from "the proposal." He likes me? I was taken aback, thought we might grab hands and start singing kumbaya. Holy fuck! Oh yes, and we had our first kiss tonight. Color me gobsmacked. Last thing I expected tonight (and finally, in a good way!)

NOTE: Thought the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse would prefer a picture of Gene Simmons rather than some cheesy kissy pic...hope you got the joke!

Monday, June 29, 2009

How Am I So Fucking Stupid...Still??

In what I am sure is an exercise in futility.....I wait for BBFF to call. On an intellectual level, I know he won't. The teenage girl inside still holds out hope. There hasn't been any communication since I texted him Wednesday saying, "You either really suck at this or you don't like me. You going to ask me out again?" He replied back, "Aggressive, I like that. And I do suck at this. Call you Monday." Monday? WTF? I just find it so hard to believe I was so wrong about this. I cannot be that retarded!!!! I will let you know if the extremely unlikely happens. Sigh. I am so sick of this shit.

UPDATE: 11 PM and no call. I knew it. Went to the Sweep and met KnitStar and her Ex for a drink. Ended up talking to the band leader from American Idol. Super cool guy, lives in the neighborhood and we are going to have a drink at some later date. On my walk back, some creepy guy was following me in his car shouting out the window at me. "You're cute, what's your name, what are you doing all by yourself?" It flipped me out. I initially ignored him, then told him to leave me along, finally telling him to FUCK OFF! "Cunt! Better watch who you shoot your mouth off to!" as he went to do another U-turn to get to my side of the street. Pretty scary shizzle, I must say. I crossed the street and ducked thru the courtyard to a neighboring building which lets out in the alley behind my apartment. I quickly (while shaking!) got my gate key out....I could see him cruising the streets looking for me. Awesome!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Partying with the Gays and bonus! ManTits sighting!

You just know it is going to be a rough day when you wake up burping Kettle One and reek of Camel Lights and lime. Yeah, I am sexxxy like that..... Went to the Abbey with AppleBottom and SuperHotV last night....the usual. Danced our asses off and drank too much. Up too late. Every other song was Lady GaGa a Go Go! She is officially the new gay icon! At the end of the night, we went to the bathroom....a half hour wait in line. Some poor Asian chick barfed in the garbage can, I held her hair. We were almost at the stalls and some dumb bizzy butted to the front of the line and sholder checked AppleBottom. She had NO idea who she was messing with! AppleBottom stepped up on her and let her ghetto side show and threatened to kick her ass. I created a human barrier in between them, I think she actually would have. Best part, dumb bizzy dropped her Prada bag in the garbage can accidentally on the way out. She fished it out and there was vomit dripping off of it. Everyone in line just laughed and taunted her refusing to help her. "Karma is a bitch!" one yelled at her. V's husband met us there after work. I think it is so cool when guys are comfortable enough with themselves to go to a gay bar, he was even hit on! We had a great time! Unfortunately, it is 6 PM on Sunday and I still feel like shit. AppleBottom texted me this morning, "I feel like shit. I didn't get da memo im 2 old 4 dis shit. lol!" Well put sissy. Lessons learned from last night; A. we are too old for this shit B. Don't fuck with AppleBottom, she will cut you bitch! and C. when at a gay bar, tell them you are transgendered and you will sue if they don't let you use the men's room.

ManTits sighting! My dogs just went bananas barking out the window....ManTits is walking in front of my building holding hands with a chick! And she is not fat or wearing mom jeans. All I can say to her is, you'll be sorry..........and also not getting any. ManTits can't get it up.

UPDATE: Greatest text ever from AppleBottom, "need to delete the pic of me licking the gay boy's nipple. Good ammo in the custody battle." LOL!

Friday, June 26, 2009


To be or not to be? THAT is the question. I am on beer ten bajillion.....shall I add beer ten bajillion and one to the equation? (Don't mind if I do!) As night time Kat ALWAYS fucks over day time Kat we say MILLER TIME! I am ripshit fucked up. I have so many great ideas on what I want to talk about. I will just rant tonight. I am exhausted, five days straight of travel. I clipped myself in the eye with the mascara brush this morning and looked super stoned all day...burning eyes. I worked for 14 hours....didn't eat and then starting drinking the second I got home. I cannot believe BBFF hasn't called. I am genuinely devistated. I have to close one eye when I type to read this. 100% FAIL for the week. Now I start to hiccup. I should put that last bit on my family Christmas card.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Hump Day Sucks

This week is proving to be pure misery for the girl here. I am travelling every day. Talked on the phone until 1:30 last night and got super drunk. This morning came around....well, I want to die. So, BBFF hasn't called. I am not supposed to know this but he is going out with his ex this weekend. They were together for 14 years and she still has her claws in him. Evidentially, she is trying to get 15 grand out of him for a recent shopping spree. Not sure how to handle this situatuation. Suggestions?

Monday, June 22, 2009

Baaaa means no...

I have had a lot happen this week, and I have been worked to death. I saw Freakishly Tall Guy for some sex candy. I am a bit worried, I think he may have baited and switched me with the condom.....I have my reasons but will protect you innocents from graphic details. Needless to say, I am flipped out and likely not going to see him again. What is somewhat flattering, Freakishly Tall Guy spent over an hour after I left searching for my blog. To no avail. Friday, went out with Duke, Boobs, Mellow to the Sagebrush. Worst band ever playing...and we got drunk. Mellow's wife has been out of town for a week and he was uncharacteristically dirty. I asked, "come on now, it has only been a week, how bad can it be?" And he replied, "There are some sheep that graze the hill behind my house. Let me just say, they have a worried look on their face." The quote of the evening was Duke's reply, "Mellow, I am going to get you a shirt that says, BAAAA means NO!" Saturday night I had a date with BBFF. I drove to Hunting Beach to meet him at Savannah's. It was a lovely restaurant on the beach. We had a delightful time, filet and pinot. After dinner, I guess I rated date package number 1. He mentioned he had a bottle of wine and blankets in his car and suggested we collect them and hit the beach. We arranged our stuff and talked forever, he was quite funny and seems smitten with me. I told him during the course of our conversation that what I knew about men could fill a thimble. He said it was quite a coincidence, as his manhood could actually fill a thimble. We kissed, and rolled around in the sand..just magical. He whispered in my ear, "I know what you are thinking now?" Yes? "thimble." He was witty and handsome and well..I may be smitten too. I have to say, BBFF is very intruiging to me. To use verbiage from my old sorority days, I may just suicide. Let's see if he feels the same.
AN ASIDE: Happy Father's Day! I called my daddy (yes ChiBird, I still call my dad daddy too) to wish him a Happy Father's Day!!!!! Evidentially, while sucking face with BBFF my phone decided to randomly call him, twice. Guess I left a nice couple of messages for my dad who still thinks I am a virgin. Sweet!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Only mildly agitated (cannot afford shaken or stirred)

I am a baller on a budget, and this week has been a good one for the recessionista that I have (had to) become. Wednesday, AppleBottom and I had cocktails with another friend, who expensed the check! (Who has an expense account these days?) Friday, we went dancing at Cafe Cordilaire with AppleBottom and KnittingFriend. The club looks like the painting from the beginning of Good Times, we were the only white people there. Band was off the chain! Everything from Fitty Cent to Curtis Mayfield (I went bananas!) When the bill came, this rather large black man took care of it for us. I grabbed AppleBottom's ass and thanked her delicious booty for the free drinks...over a hundos worth! Saturday was my company Angles game. Again, AppleBottom, KnittingFriend, SuperHotV all accompanied me. This is the only day of the year I get to boss my boss, "Put some cheese on that burger NOW, bitch!" We tailgated and missed most of the game. Boss's best friend (BBFF) started chatting me up. We got kicked out of the park and ended up at some sports bar in OC. Had a blast....great people, great conversation is my thing. When I got home, I noticed that my OfficeManager was blowing up my phone, BBFF was begging her for my number, "love at first sight" he said. I told her to go ahead and give it to him. He called and we talked until 3 am...potentially career ending. What will go down as the Worst Idea Ever, I am going to go out with him.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'll Even Take a Partial One At This Point...

I need a brain abortion. I had a soul sucking day in a training about the most banal of electronics today given by Grandpa Simpson. This guy is legendary for his ability to prattle on and on about nothing. I knew it would be bad, just never prepared for the reality of just how bad it can get. Initially, I entertained myself by counting how many times Gpa Simpson said, "and stuff like that." His personal best was 17 times in one 30 minute interval. That got boring. Then I focused on his ability to be a total asshole without even realizing it. Gpa Simpson, "Joe, Bill and Bob are about the best in the room letting me know about new applications. They are brilliant and in touch with what is going on. Or, they could be complete idiots that are feeding me a line of (pardon my language) bullcookies because I don't hear from the rest of you." We all let out a communal, ouch! Frickin' cold dude! I enjoyed being a fly on the wall as he talked to the salesman from Israel, "I find men do better there. Women, they don't like Israel because of all the dirt. It is really dusty and dirty. Women don't like it." Not sure what tickled me more, his complete misogyny or ability to insult and entire culture without even realizing it. My boss and I were cracking up, I was like, "please don't send me to Israel. I hear it is a backward dirt pit...not that I mind that over being stoned in the streets for showing skin." At one point my buddy, Mr. Slick leaned over and we hatched a plan. Mr. Slick said, "look. If he doesn't shut up soon I am going to make myself vomit. I don't care if I have to stick my entire arm down my throat and grab my liver to make that happen. I am getting out of here somehow." I told him he had better barf on me so I could go too. Thanked him for having my back, or front, or whatever part of me he wanted to barf on. I was grateful to be included in his plan. At some point, my head was lolling around in my chair and I told my co-worker that I was going to attack him and stick a fork in his eye. He handed me a pen, that is all we had handy. My torture finally came to a close and I opted out of more forced fun with dinner. I stopped at the Sev on my way home and got the ultimate complidiss from the cashier. He told me he didn't recognize me as I was dressed nicely, my hair was done and I was looking pretty. Um. Thanks?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

oh Baby Baby

Last night I reconnected with one of my very best friends from high school. She is more gorgeous than I remember and honestly, one of the smartest people I have ever known. I hate that I suck so badly at keeping in touch with people, but Facebook has been pretty cool for making up for years of my laziness. I am so overjoyed to have had a chance to talk to her. She did drop a bomb shell, she just found out she is pregnant. And she is 6 1/2 months along.....she thought she was going thru menopause. Hell, so did I last year so it sounds reasonable to me. I am just happy that at this stage in the game we are still able to get some ass! Yay us! Babies mean one thing to me, knitting! I am talking to Latin Lover about it today;

spankie: yay, little things to knit!!
Latin Lover: pfft, get knitting for the thousands of potential children that will die on your face when Freakishly Tall Guy takes you to a swing party.
spankie: that's a lot of little beanies

Of course, he went there. I am off to have some cocktails at Senior Freds with AppleBottom and a potential new member of the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. My chance at killing thousands of potential human beings thrwarted by my broken Cookie.

PS. one day I am going to figure out this Photo Shop thingy, until then, just picture the sperms in little knit caps! Thank you for using your imagination!

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Quote of the Trip

"Bugs, when cooked correctly, taste just like popcorn." Former survival teacher and my friend Hippie. On FB he clarified, "It's true...Popcorn Cricket Crunch. But, I prefer wild onions, lentils, and steamed nettles. Just like chicken."

Monday, June 08, 2009

Sun Sets on Boulder

Friday was a blurr.....working all day, giving my principal the bum's rush to get him to the airport, run home, change, grab bag, dogs...to the kennel! Then fight rush hour traffic to LAX. My reward was barely making it onto my completely packed to the gills flight. Find a spot for my bag and then look at my seat. Fuck! Middle seat, with a very heavy woman on one end and another very heavy woman holding a three year old screaming and fussy child in her lap on the other. I let out an audible sigh, greaaatttt....then tucked my wings to squeeze in my fat lady sandwich seat and closed my eyes. We land, and the fat lady with the obviously too old to hold child said loudly, "Next time you have something to say you should think twice." I told her "I don't care for middle seats, and care for misbehaving children even less." To which she replied, "Oh yeah, well next time book in first class!!" and I said, "How about you just get some!!!!" Oh snap! Suck on that bitch! Why do we have to live in such a Jerry Springer world? My Pretend Boyfriend was waiting for me and we started on the hour drive to Boulder. I was genuinely happy to see him, it has been over a year.
We had some cocktails upon arrival in Boulder, Irish bar then proceeded back to his place. Walking distance from the ped mall. It was hilarious as it was closing time and this is a college town...there were girls barfing, and guys chasing their gfs around saying stuff like, "baby I'm sooo sorry!!" and guys trying to make time, one guy high-fiving his friend saying, "I totally fucked that one up, called her the wrong name!!!" Hard to believe we were once that retarded, but I know at least I was. We got to his house and started to fool around. He has an awesome body and well, again his nick that his guy friends gave him was The Donkey so....I am not sure what his deal was but he was animalistic. Normally I am into that but he really hurt me. And wouldn't stop. Woke me up again Saturday morning for a go, and I realized just how injured I was...still am really. He broke my fucking junk! No joke!
Saturday was perfect. 80 degrees, sun shining on the mountains, perfect breeze blowing. Brunch, some shopping more eating and then happy hour with my Cuz and Cuz's Wife and my friend from college, Hippie. We met on the roof of The Foundry. Cool bar on Pearl street with an amazing view of the mountains as the backdrop for our debauchery. One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the quality of people I have in my life and the very interesting things they do. Hippie is a teacher now, but in the past he was a survival instructor. He would take a group of people, armed with only a knife, out into the wilderness and teach them to live off the land for a month. Now he also is a glass blower. He looks exactly the same as he did when we first met, on his first day of college. Round John Lennon glasses (but rose colored, so perfect for him,) bucket hat, glass pendant around his neck that he made. Like a very handsome Hunter S. Thompson. My Cuz and his wife, similarly interesting. The conversation and the cocktails flowed as the sun set on the mountains. Simply. Perfect. They left and My Pretend Boyfriend and I journeyed on. He became retardedly drunk. It got ugly. 'Nuff said.
Sunday we awoke and My Pretend Boyfriend knew enough to apologize but didn't remember why he should. I stormed off and walked into town. Called him a bit later to meet me at The Kitchen for breakfast. He did. I'm cool. Again, 'nuff said. We ate, shopped a bit then went to see The Hangover...hilarious! Two thumbs up! We went home to change and then met my Cuz and my Cuz's Wife at Jax for dinner. Just wonderful everything...wine, food and most importantly company. I was so sad to see the evening draw to a close. My Pretend Boyfriend was enchanting, as he can be. He picked up the dinner check. Wow, just wow on every level. I floated back to his place and then went to bed. You know, without drinking or sex we don't have much in common so it was a quiet walk home.
I woke up this morning and he was gone. I spent the day wandering around Boulder by myself and spending money I don't have. He finished work just in time to take me to the airport and stick his foot in the small of my back pushing me out of the car (not literally, but he might as well have.) Typical ending to a weekend with him. Screaming baby on the flight back too. Joyous. I just got home and am exhausted.
I am looking forward to sleeping and waking up in my own bed, alone as expected (except for the cuddly dog pile, yay!) I may have to seek medical treatment tomorrow. No kidding....I am gushing blood. There were peaks and valleys to this weekend but I don't think I will be going back to Boulder anytime soon. Call me Sisyphus, but don't call me late to dinner.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

by the way fuckers....

so, going on the record to say I know you are reading. I am getting emails. Why don't you assholes post when you see something that tickles you? It PISSES me off to be perfectly honest. I am doing this for feedback for my "real" writing. I would appreciate know what you like...what you don't like. Nobody likes talking into the air. Please post your comments HERE. It doesn't hurt, I promise. Thank you, Kat

Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder

No exciting tid bits...as anticipated. You hang out with a couple of MSEEs and that is to be expected. I am so looking forward to my trip tomorrow....packing and stuff. This whole no liquid unless you check thing is punitive for chicks. When I came back from Chicago last summer (as many of you knew, I had just returned from Tahiti, my grandmother died...I had to turn on my heels and go home. Grabbed the wrong wallet...had no credit cards or debit cards...lived on the kindness of my mother which, um. She is a cunt. Day I left, she left me a crisp twenty and I promptly went out and bought a latte and a pack of cigs and a newspaper. Color me fucking stupid when I went to the airport and United had just instituted...that weekend..the $15 bag check fee. Oopsie! I had to dump a brand new bottle of Dolche and Gabanna perfume, some hair product and moisturiser....etc. I estimate the loss at over 4 hundo) Punitive. I am packing my bags and looking for tiny bottles, I know I have them. I just want to smell nice, have good hair and have my skin look like I am not 105. Terrorists. I will kill them.
I am packing my carry-on with books and magazines. Over the shoulder boulder holder...fucking cracking myself up. Going to Boulder as you know.
You all won't hear from me until Tuesday most likely. I find it is best to not talk about someone when they are around.

birds that sing your beautiful songs outside my window starting at 5AM...stfu

I am tired this morning. Spent my night chatting with ABC Chick. We are posturing for the next dance off, "bring it" she says..."you hear that tap tap tap tap? That is me dancing on your dream!" Oh, it's broughten. Editor was stuck in a hick bar in AZ, we texted until about midnight. Passed the time by talking about Jimmy Choos thus helping her plaid colored, redneck infused world melt away. Finally, a friend of mine, adult woman....is going to band camp, for the banjo!! How oddly cool is that? One time, in band camp.....I reminded her that the banjo was WAYYY bigger than a flute so be careful not to hurt herself! She enlightened me to the fact when you play the banjo it vibrates! Come to think of it, I have never seen a frowning banjo player. Today and tomorrow travelling with my boss. I will likely not have any exciting tid bits to share.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Love, Sex and Ninjas

Day two no water....the saga continues. I have not showered since I got a little sugar in my bowl on Monday. As one might imagine, it is unpleasant to be around me. Eau de Two-Day-Old-Sex is not good for daytime. Sounds French, smells even Frencher. I have had to cancel meetings yesterday and today. Most disappointing as I was to have lunch with my buddy, SalesRep, that is getting a mail order bride. Yup, just got back from the Philippines and said some lucky lady would have a ring by the end of the year. God bless him, I wish it were that easy for me. SalesRep will be happy spending the rest of his life with a little spinner that cooks and cleans for him. Again, I envy that men are such easy to please creatures. Los Angeles is a fucked up place for men too, I sometimes forget. SalesRep is a catch by any standard. He is handsome, kind, hard working, successful and a wonderful father. He can't get a date to save his life. I am bummed I will not be getting the details of the process or see pictures of his soon to be beloved today. Instead, I will sit here and continue to stew in my own juices.
UPDATE: I did in fact get that shower and bounce to lunch with SalesRep. I saw pictures of his bride to be, very pretty girl. He seems so happy and excited! Of course, I had to ask if he got to test drive, which he did. Bringing a chick back from the Philippenes is somewhat like ripping the tag off a mattress, there is no taking that shit back. Hope it works out for him I was telling Mr. MBA about this and he said that I have got to stop my friend from going back in a couple of months. They will be waiting for him and he will wake up in a hotel bathtub, covered in ice, sans kidney with a phone taped to his hand, 911 on speed dial. Mr. MBA thinks that is what I should write about, make a movie where he goes on a murderous rampage to get back his kindney. He is convinced it has EVERYTHING, love, sex....and ninjas. You gotta have ninjas.....I think I will stick with writing about my vagina (vagninja? there is a joke there somewhere...)

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Sex Candy

Freakishly Tall Guy is sex candy. All empty calories, no good for you and you crash shortly thereafter. Then you want more....vicious cycle. I'm not sure how long this will sustain me, I will likely want something hearty and filling sooner or later. Sex shephard's pie. But until then, this is just fun. I had such a nice time with him. Some wine and conversation and then shamelessly engorging ourselves with sweet bites. (this could easily go graphic and gross, cream filling, gooey centers.....I am doing my best to resist the temptation.) Snacking on sugary treats rarely leads to anything good. By the time your real meal gets here, you aren't hungry.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Pretend Boyfriend

I had a very nice surprise this am. I was talking to San Fran (who now lives in Boulder, we are going to have to re-think the name)and he asked me to visit. I waffled, I am broke. As we were chitty chatting, I get a ticket confirmation in my inbox! He bought me a ticket to visit next weekend! It is no secret I have been feeling a bit raw lately. This is just what I needed. San Fran is the best pretend boyfriend! Opens doors, pays for everything, brushes the hair out of my eyes...nickname is The Donkey (*wink wink.) Hopefully, some TLC will put all that is wrong right again. Now I have to go get ready to go out with Freakishly Tall Guy. Sigh. No wonder I've been feeling raw, with that guy I am just raw meat.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Crossing my fingers I made it through to the next round

WHAT a fun night! I met the Editor and ABC Chick at Roosterfish in Venice. I met so many amazing people tonight! First, lets talk about the chick posse. Editor told me she was going to do some research and figure out how we were separated at birth. We like the same music, movies, authors...her father took her to see Freaks at age 9!!! Holy crap! ABC Chick is hilarious. Both of them are gorgeous, smart..funny as hell. What a delicious couple! Their gays, well...let's start with they are my people as a threshold matter. Editor and ABC Chick told them to be nice to me, so I think initially they were on their best behavior...then they met me. Gloves off! I was told that tonight was a litmus test and I could be voted off the island. Most of the gays were named Brad, that was my default...hey...er..Brad. Bound to be right 50% of the time. It was like coming home for me. Everyone is so nice at a gay bar! We danced (Madonna, Madonna, Madonna...what is that? A Madonna song!) I really felt bad when at one point I went to pee and smoke and got talking to a bunch of people outside. The Posse was worried about me! I said to the Editor, "I appreciate that..but did you think I would get raped here or something??" Funniest thing is boobs are boobs, everywhere you go. Gay men still love them and wanna touch them. I let this guy Michael grope one. Why not? He gave me the ultimate compliment, "if I were a woman I would want to be exactly you." Ultimately, I do so love my new girlfriends and am so grateful they opened their lives and friendships to me so willingly. It is so nice to be with real people. I suppose that is the underbelly of Los Angeles, that genuine people actually exist.
P.S. best version of this song was 1990 MTV vid awards...cannot find it ANYWHERE. I also believe it was Madonna's greatest moment ever. Yes, yoga moves are cool...but having a hot dancer lick up your skirt is way hotter. Let me know if you can find the vid to embed here. MUCH more amazing.

Friday, May 29, 2009

I'm Their Best New Straight

Before I went out tonight, I took one of those stupid Facebook quizzes, "How Well Do You Know Men?" A friend took it and scored 100%, thought it was rigged. I took it and got, wait for it...wait....0%. My score was "Pathetic" and I am doomed to "live a very lonely life." I posted on her page that it was accurate as what I know about men would fill a thimble. Perfect for my confidence going into a date. Firefly tonight. As y'all know I am anally on time to the point of ALWAYS being early to everything. So, I got to my date with the Silver Fox almost a half hour early. Waiting for a drink at the bar I was hovering over this chick and she turned around...thought she was going to shit herself. I surprised her. Ohhhh, sorry! I start talking with the chicks (Chatty Kathy, I am prone to talking to EVERYONE) and I met the Editor and ABC Chick. Lesbian couple, together for ten years. Do you know how you feel when you instantly make best friends? Magical, amazing, fucking hilarious women. I said I could be 100% lesbo if it weren't for the whole "downtown" issue. Editor said she hates it too....there are ways around it (color Kat intrigued.) I let them know what I was up to. Over the course of the half hour, they invited me to an event tomorrow. I am a fag hag woefully short on fags these days so they promised to hook me up. I didn't even realize how lacking my life was without lesbians until tonight. Silver Fox showed up and I wrote my number on a cocktail napkin and signed it, "Kat, your new best straight." So the date itself was ok. He is so short....as I walked away from the Lesbian Chick Posse I whispered, "the ocean called and they are all out of shrimp!" I just don't think I can go there. We drank, we ate, we left....he paid for everything including the valet. I could not wait to text those crazy bitches when I got home. They were watching and Auntie Mame movie. Editor and I quoted the exact same line at the exact same time! "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" So frickin' ironic as ChiBird was just saying this to me today. Tomorrow I am going to a gay bar where me and the Lesbian Posse will be the only three girls there. I mentioned I will pass as a tranny and Editor texted, "A tranny with a vaggy!!! You are my new bff, text me every five minutes!" ABC Chick texted with an apology a second later, "That was from Editor, I am not so crude. Her cell phone no...XXXX, she is crying at Auntie Mame." Here is to new beginnings....being a lesbian without going downtown? Who knew? Oh yeah, bringing Silver Fox tomorrow. He is NOT thrilled about going to a gay bar. (douche?)

Who's that sleeping in my bed?

I have a date tonight with the Silver Fox. This has been a very busy week for the girl here vis a vis whoring around. Some days, I feel more like Goldilocks than others...this one is too hard, this one is too soft......while I search for Mr. Just Right, I seem to be stuck with Mr. Just Right Now. I'm chatting with my buddy Latin Lover....talk about one depraved individual. Freakishly Tall Guy has told me to be at his house Monday at 8 PM, sharp. As I posit about what degrading and (possibly) herpes inducing plans he has for me, Latin Lover gets more and more aroused. I told him it is all fun and games until I wake up in Mexico starring in a donkey show. That "tickles his pickle" and has left our chat hanging while he goes into the bathroom at work and rubs one out. We agree that sometimes fantasy should just stay that way, the reality of the situation never living up to the images conjured up in our heads. Like the Friends episode where Ross has a 3some and ends up making a sandwich. Latin Lover notes, "there are just too many variables and it would just be disappointing." I can imagine a pile of awkward limbs at odd angles. Being the graceful gazelle that I am there is no other outcome possible. So, sigh, back to the fishing pond. Perhaps the Silver Fox and Goldilocks will be "just right." Latin Lover, "try not to suck any dicks on the way to your date!" Oh, I'll try.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I put the grrr in swingerrrrr.....

I have been invited to a swingers party by Freakishly Tall Guy! I struggled for the words...what where they...something like FUCK NO. When discussing this with Doc, he aptly mused that I don't strike him as a girl that would be happy being passed around more than a doobie at a Dead show. He further commented that this guy was moving FAST. I agreed, right? I mean at this rate in a month what would be left, snuff? MILFie did say, "hey, he is a porn producer and it is a fast life. All that shit happens in 90 mins-or less typically. That is the fact Jack." oh yes and, "interesting...on the twisted, denied-for-too-long sort of level." I went to happy hour with SexualChocolate tonight and the bartender overheard some of our conversation. She is a comedian/bartender and I asked her, "would you go to a swingers party just to get material for your comedy?" She said she basically masturbates for material and hell yes, she would and has put herself in bizarre situations for her show. I made her laugh and told SexualChocolate that I thought I want to be a comedian now...he told me I didn't have what it takes. Ouch. What is most shocking is the response from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Most of you are like, do it do it do it do it. The Thunderdome of perversion. I cannot tell if the Posse is just cheering me on, or looking for cheap entertainment. You know, it doesn't get much cheaper than this.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

En Vino Veritas

What a lovely night with Doc!! So much love and gossip, I want to spin and spin and...ok that is gay. I told my 3rd Grad Spelling Partner that being around the Doc was like eating pudding; comfortable, familiar and filling. She said that analogy grossed her out and made her throw up a little in her mouth. Ok...like the blanket your grandma knit you, tucked in on the sofa. Acceptable. I love him. He is my partner in crime. I can tell him anything and vice verse. There are very few people I can tell my innermost secrets to that will not A. FREAK THE FUCK OUT or B. judge me. He told me about his recent happenings...bought a new house with his gf and moved last weekend. I guess there was the equivalent of four flights of stairs moving him in (he is uber engineer geek, with his PHD so he worked it out mathematically) and they had a ridiculous amount of stuff. The best part being by the end of the day the professional movers were EXHAUSTED and had to move his Stairmaster up these four flights of stairs. They bitched under their breath the entire time (why the fuck you gonna need this?) The men in the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse get a really bad rap sometimes. There are good men that lurk around these hallways and I am very lucky to count them as friends. I am warm with wine and lifelong friendship tonight.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

No excuse....

There is never ever any excuse good enough for a man to put his hands on a woman ever. Period. Fucking fucktards!!! I am so angry I want to kick some ass right now.

Wouldn't you rather misbehave?

Mark Twain said he would like to go to Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company. I think that sums up Los Angeles pretty well. It is going to be another beautiful day (sunny and 70 every day, every day..oh the ennui.) Freakishly Tall Guy has sparked much conversation from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. MILFie asked me if it was the fact he is a porn producer or that he has several irons in the fire that bothers me. I have to say, it is a combination of both. First it is the caliber of the irons. I am living in a hep C free world and I like it. (Boy Gorgeous and I have had in-depth conversations and have decided this would be the worst STD to have. You would die and couldn't drink. Shudder.) Second, it would be like dating a gyno. How do you stand out from the pack? It is unnerving knowing you will be judged along side "professionals." I doubt I bring the same skill set and would be setting myself up for failure. I wouldn't try out for a professional dance company or rodeo...I would look like a fool and most likely hurt myself badly. But then comes the pull of the dark side.....I really need to get another hobby. I'm simply mad.....

Friday, May 22, 2009

Holiday! Celebrate!

This is more or less what the girl Kat looks like today. I was out drinking wine with Freakishly Tall Guy until the weeeeee hours of the morning and up early for my fucktacular job. Good thing I saved half of my crap sandwich from yesterday. I cannot properly express the gratitude I am feeling that it is a three day weekend. Doc is coming to visit next week (yay!!!!!) and I am going to use this weekend to clean and work out. I want my "Madonna Thighs" I had last summer back and the flat, two pack abs. Right now, I am sporting six pack abs...just not in the traditional sense (I keep my beer in there.) I hope this weekend holds a surprise or two. If not, I have an entire week of Judge Judy's to catch up on. Win win either way. Happy Memorial Day!

My favorite color is bruise

Freakishly Tall Guy is adorable, charming, smart, funny, wine conneseur. Oh yeah, he is also a porn producer.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

What goes down...well mostly stays there.

I had a date last night with Freakishly Tall Guy from the Dirty Filthy Web site. We met at Starbucks and spent an hour and a half getting to know one another. We are both sci-fi geeks, he can't have dairy (some weird blood allergy,) both not from here and seemingly equally attracted to one another. It was the best date I have been on in four years. I got in my car, and promptly started to cry. What massive train wreck is coming my way? He texted me to tell me he had a really good time and wanted to go out tonight. Consider it done.
Today at work I was sustained by a steady diet of the never-ending shit sandwich. I was talked down to, yelled at, cursed out and was basically just a punching bag for multiple people. I just had to take it as I was helpless to change the situations and the only thing I could do was let people vent. As I am trying to talk an irate (multimillion dollar) customer down, I get an IM from Freakishly Tall Guy.
FTG: listen, before getting together this evening, I wanted to let you know that I am not prepared at this time to go "exclusive"-I have a few others that I see and enjoy my experience with them and am not willing to cut it off. I am open and honest about everything but would like to maintain my current lifestyle....agreed?
What the fuck do you say to that? It wasn't like I was dancing around singing Beyonce's Single Ladies to him....I was taken aback. A few?? Ultimately, I decided that I am short one fuck buddy these days so what the hell....Most guys do it, at least he is being up front about it. I changed my FB status to:
Kat is going to put her hand in the flame despite knowing she is going to get it burned (again.)
Video Lman: Pour some lighter fluid on it. Mostly for maximum effect.
RonDiggety: The Lady GaGa-sour milk analogy is apt for quite a few things. You know it's going to be bad, but you want to smell it anyway.
Work Friend: What's the young suiter's name??
Kat: I mean that literally Work Friend. Cutting is for pussies.
So, I am about to have the last few bites of my shit sandwich and then sign my name on Freakishly Tall Guy's waiting list. I will let you know how it goes.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Why are guys such pussies?

Pigs and pussies....are there any other kind? If so, I ain't meeting them.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Mercy Married Man

Oy vey. Some guys are persist, I will give them that. This is definitely the case with the Investor Douchebag. I met him on the Dirty Filthy Web Site and started talking to him several months ago. At first, he seemed normal and cool (don't they all.) Over time, I noticed a pattern. He would only chat or call me during business hours, never on the weekend. When I would call him after hours I got a variety of excuses as to why he didn't answer; left his phone at the gym, didn't hear it ring, left it in the car etc. It doesn't take Einstein to figure out what is going on there. Married much? He was intent on proving to me that this was not the case. He wrote me incredibly long emails claiming his undying love and letting me know that I am his dream girl he has been looking for his whole life. He texted incessantly. He planned on visiting me, the date to be determined at a later date. Lots of calls. All this done, Mon-Fri, 9-5. WTF? When I called him out on his fuckery and told him to eat shit the tenor of his emails, text and voice mails changed to nasty (again, all during business hours during the week.) I thought I had finally shaken the married asshole. No such luck. When I told him to pound sand today, here is the message he sent me;

Investment Douchbag (5/17/2009 11:09:43 AM): ooooh nice bitch! sweet lil cunt mouth that you are! Funny at 40 you cant control your anger, your money, you life, your friends, or well yourself in general. MOst people with your rate of failure at least do society a favor and commit suicide.

At least I can spell and punctuate. I wonder if he kisses his wife with that potty mouth?

Friday, May 15, 2009

Big Wack Attack

Mr. MBA finally got around to watching The Wrestler and was pleasantly surprised there was some Marissa Torme boobage, and it was good. So good, he was repeatedly rubbing one out. Pausing the movie for a little recovery time, then going at it again. When I spoke to him last night, he said he was dehydrated from the marathon masturbation session and was taking a break to run to the Sev and get some Gatorade and carbs so he could continue on into the night. He was "shooting sawdust" according to him. I do love my friends and their commitment to a higher purpose.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

RIP Skeptic

My fuck buddy that won't fuck me, Skeptic and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. He calls me and after some tap dancing (bailing on me, shocking!) tells me he doesn't want me to think he is flaky...he is involved with someone and has been for the entire three years we have had our hook up. He is on an "honesty kick" and felt the need to cleanse his soul. Now Filthy and Gorgeous Posse, please remember this is the guy that would try to tell me his feelings and I would say, er...don't you have friends? He would be depressed and tell me he didn't think he could get it up but if I wanted to have dinner and talk....um, I told him again, dude, you exist in my world for ONE REASON. I have friends, he has his place. I point out that he would rather I think he is a cheating, asshole liar than a flake? Interesting. Did he tell his gf/wife/whatever about me? Nope, some honesty kick. The one person he actually owes honesty to is the one ommitted from his confessional. I am so pleased he made himself feel clean by making me feel dirty.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

won't you take me to...Cougartown!

As you get farther from the epicenter of Hollywood cool, the age at clubs goes up and the atmosphere goes down. This is certainly the case at the Arena Sports Bar and Grill in Simi Valley. The interior is like a poor man's TGI Fridays and the crowd, well....like a low rent cast of Real Housewives of Orange County. I was the youngest Cougar in the Cougar Bar. I went to see a band that was comprised of a bunch of my engineers from a customer. They were fantastic! Rocked the house and got all the old folks shaking their bones. I met SexualChocolate and Duke there...couple of young hottie potatties like them....they might as well have been wearing chum underpants. Insert Jaws theme song and imgaine a pack of circling Cougars. It is a miracle they weren't raped like Jodi Foster in that movie, there were pool tables there so it might have been a very accurate re-enactment.
It seems whenever we go out, we end up taking care of someone. Last time this band played, we spent the evening babysitting HottieEsq (we are no longer friends, more on that another time) when she had a seizure. That is what happens when you don't take your drugs......This time our friend was heartbroken and chose to drown her sorrows in alcohol (the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems-Homer Simpson.) She was ripshit fucked up by the time we got there at 8pm. So, here was the defining event; she had reconnected with her ex-husband via Facebook and started having a torried affair with him. He was currently married with children. In what one would suspect was a pang of guilt, he broke it off with her via email. Now I am a very pain-adverse human being. I do not need to touch a flame to see if it is hot. Additionally, there is the karmic code which dictates that you don't mess with another woman's man. Why do we go down a path which we know is ultimately going to cause us undue pain? You don't need a crystal ball to know this is going to end badly. I have another friend doing the very same thing right now. I want to slap these women and tell them to snap out of it! In the best of circumstances relationships are really hard and painful by nature. Why would one choose to begin one on a foundation of quick sand? In order to keep our friend from driving home, Duke threw himself on the fire and took one for the team. He danced with her while we tried to sober her up for the drive home. SexualChocolate and I were laughing as we could see he was being violated repeatedly (good thing the dance floor was on the other side of the bar from the pool tables.) We made her stay for a couple of hours drinking 7 and Jacks (hold the Jack.) This week, I noticed she had changed her status on Facebook to, in a relationship, it's complicated. That it is......
Ps. I know Brooke Hogan is not officially a cougar. I couldn't help but to publish this pic. I can't decided if she looks more like a cougar or a tranny....

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Media Hegemony

TV and movies really fuck us up as chicks. I want the males in the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse to chime in on this.....would you really fall in love with a woman that was pregnant with another man's baby a la The Practice? Or have an acrimonious divorce and still love your ex (same show.) I can think of a million stupid romantic comedies that support these dilusional story lines inflicted upon us on a media machine fuled by the dollars of desperate women. This bullshit is force fed down our throats by the media but honestly....it would NEVER EVER HAPPEN. I cannot get a guy to call me back when I call him on some bullshit like, er...I dunno...saying something like, "if you are going to be late drop a dime..." Men are such narcissitic and fragile creatures that they fold under the mildest of scrutinety. Oh wait, on The Practice the Other Woman is kissing the much sought after male who is having a baby with another woman. THIS would happen all day long. Women would screw over another woman for a hot piece. I remember back in Chicago I had met a man that I was really getting along with at a party. I was perplexed that he never called and asked me out. Over a year later, I ran into this man and asked him why he never called and he told me that the girl I was with told him I had AIDS. True story (I don't have AIDS for the record.) These television shows and movies are designed to perpetuate a myth that the impossible can happen. We can find true love when we least expect it. Pfft!