Sunday, May 31, 2009

Crossing my fingers I made it through to the next round

WHAT a fun night! I met the Editor and ABC Chick at Roosterfish in Venice. I met so many amazing people tonight! First, lets talk about the chick posse. Editor told me she was going to do some research and figure out how we were separated at birth. We like the same music, movies, authors...her father took her to see Freaks at age 9!!! Holy crap! ABC Chick is hilarious. Both of them are gorgeous, smart..funny as hell. What a delicious couple! Their gays, well...let's start with they are my people as a threshold matter. Editor and ABC Chick told them to be nice to me, so I think initially they were on their best behavior...then they met me. Gloves off! I was told that tonight was a litmus test and I could be voted off the island. Most of the gays were named Brad, that was my Bound to be right 50% of the time. It was like coming home for me. Everyone is so nice at a gay bar! We danced (Madonna, Madonna, Madonna...what is that? A Madonna song!) I really felt bad when at one point I went to pee and smoke and got talking to a bunch of people outside. The Posse was worried about me! I said to the Editor, "I appreciate that..but did you think I would get raped here or something??" Funniest thing is boobs are boobs, everywhere you go. Gay men still love them and wanna touch them. I let this guy Michael grope one. Why not? He gave me the ultimate compliment, "if I were a woman I would want to be exactly you." Ultimately, I do so love my new girlfriends and am so grateful they opened their lives and friendships to me so willingly. It is so nice to be with real people. I suppose that is the underbelly of Los Angeles, that genuine people actually exist.
P.S. best version of this song was 1990 MTV vid awards...cannot find it ANYWHERE. I also believe it was Madonna's greatest moment ever. Yes, yoga moves are cool...but having a hot dancer lick up your skirt is way hotter. Let me know if you can find the vid to embed here. MUCH more amazing.

Friday, May 29, 2009

I'm Their Best New Straight

Before I went out tonight, I took one of those stupid Facebook quizzes, "How Well Do You Know Men?" A friend took it and scored 100%, thought it was rigged. I took it and got, wait for it...wait....0%. My score was "Pathetic" and I am doomed to "live a very lonely life." I posted on her page that it was accurate as what I know about men would fill a thimble. Perfect for my confidence going into a date. Firefly tonight. As y'all know I am anally on time to the point of ALWAYS being early to everything. So, I got to my date with the Silver Fox almost a half hour early. Waiting for a drink at the bar I was hovering over this chick and she turned around...thought she was going to shit herself. I surprised her. Ohhhh, sorry! I start talking with the chicks (Chatty Kathy, I am prone to talking to EVERYONE) and I met the Editor and ABC Chick. Lesbian couple, together for ten years. Do you know how you feel when you instantly make best friends? Magical, amazing, fucking hilarious women. I said I could be 100% lesbo if it weren't for the whole "downtown" issue. Editor said she hates it too....there are ways around it (color Kat intrigued.) I let them know what I was up to. Over the course of the half hour, they invited me to an event tomorrow. I am a fag hag woefully short on fags these days so they promised to hook me up. I didn't even realize how lacking my life was without lesbians until tonight. Silver Fox showed up and I wrote my number on a cocktail napkin and signed it, "Kat, your new best straight." So the date itself was ok. He is so I walked away from the Lesbian Chick Posse I whispered, "the ocean called and they are all out of shrimp!" I just don't think I can go there. We drank, we ate, we left....he paid for everything including the valet. I could not wait to text those crazy bitches when I got home. They were watching and Auntie Mame movie. Editor and I quoted the exact same line at the exact same time! "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" So frickin' ironic as ChiBird was just saying this to me today. Tomorrow I am going to a gay bar where me and the Lesbian Posse will be the only three girls there. I mentioned I will pass as a tranny and Editor texted, "A tranny with a vaggy!!! You are my new bff, text me every five minutes!" ABC Chick texted with an apology a second later, "That was from Editor, I am not so crude. Her cell phone no...XXXX, she is crying at Auntie Mame." Here is to new beginnings....being a lesbian without going downtown? Who knew? Oh yeah, bringing Silver Fox tomorrow. He is NOT thrilled about going to a gay bar. (douche?)

Who's that sleeping in my bed?

I have a date tonight with the Silver Fox. This has been a very busy week for the girl here vis a vis whoring around. Some days, I feel more like Goldilocks than others...this one is too hard, this one is too soft......while I search for Mr. Just Right, I seem to be stuck with Mr. Just Right Now. I'm chatting with my buddy Latin about one depraved individual. Freakishly Tall Guy has told me to be at his house Monday at 8 PM, sharp. As I posit about what degrading and (possibly) herpes inducing plans he has for me, Latin Lover gets more and more aroused. I told him it is all fun and games until I wake up in Mexico starring in a donkey show. That "tickles his pickle" and has left our chat hanging while he goes into the bathroom at work and rubs one out. We agree that sometimes fantasy should just stay that way, the reality of the situation never living up to the images conjured up in our heads. Like the Friends episode where Ross has a 3some and ends up making a sandwich. Latin Lover notes, "there are just too many variables and it would just be disappointing." I can imagine a pile of awkward limbs at odd angles. Being the graceful gazelle that I am there is no other outcome possible. So, sigh, back to the fishing pond. Perhaps the Silver Fox and Goldilocks will be "just right." Latin Lover, "try not to suck any dicks on the way to your date!" Oh, I'll try.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I put the grrr in swingerrrrr.....

I have been invited to a swingers party by Freakishly Tall Guy! I struggled for the words...what where they...something like FUCK NO. When discussing this with Doc, he aptly mused that I don't strike him as a girl that would be happy being passed around more than a doobie at a Dead show. He further commented that this guy was moving FAST. I agreed, right? I mean at this rate in a month what would be left, snuff? MILFie did say, "hey, he is a porn producer and it is a fast life. All that shit happens in 90 mins-or less typically. That is the fact Jack." oh yes and, "interesting...on the twisted, denied-for-too-long sort of level." I went to happy hour with SexualChocolate tonight and the bartender overheard some of our conversation. She is a comedian/bartender and I asked her, "would you go to a swingers party just to get material for your comedy?" She said she basically masturbates for material and hell yes, she would and has put herself in bizarre situations for her show. I made her laugh and told SexualChocolate that I thought I want to be a comedian now...he told me I didn't have what it takes. Ouch. What is most shocking is the response from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Most of you are like, do it do it do it do it. The Thunderdome of perversion. I cannot tell if the Posse is just cheering me on, or looking for cheap entertainment. You know, it doesn't get much cheaper than this.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

En Vino Veritas

What a lovely night with Doc!! So much love and gossip, I want to spin and spin and...ok that is gay. I told my 3rd Grad Spelling Partner that being around the Doc was like eating pudding; comfortable, familiar and filling. She said that analogy grossed her out and made her throw up a little in her mouth. the blanket your grandma knit you, tucked in on the sofa. Acceptable. I love him. He is my partner in crime. I can tell him anything and vice verse. There are very few people I can tell my innermost secrets to that will not A. FREAK THE FUCK OUT or B. judge me. He told me about his recent happenings...bought a new house with his gf and moved last weekend. I guess there was the equivalent of four flights of stairs moving him in (he is uber engineer geek, with his PHD so he worked it out mathematically) and they had a ridiculous amount of stuff. The best part being by the end of the day the professional movers were EXHAUSTED and had to move his Stairmaster up these four flights of stairs. They bitched under their breath the entire time (why the fuck you gonna need this?) The men in the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse get a really bad rap sometimes. There are good men that lurk around these hallways and I am very lucky to count them as friends. I am warm with wine and lifelong friendship tonight.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

No excuse....

There is never ever any excuse good enough for a man to put his hands on a woman ever. Period. Fucking fucktards!!! I am so angry I want to kick some ass right now.

Wouldn't you rather misbehave?

Mark Twain said he would like to go to Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company. I think that sums up Los Angeles pretty well. It is going to be another beautiful day (sunny and 70 every day, every day..oh the ennui.) Freakishly Tall Guy has sparked much conversation from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. MILFie asked me if it was the fact he is a porn producer or that he has several irons in the fire that bothers me. I have to say, it is a combination of both. First it is the caliber of the irons. I am living in a hep C free world and I like it. (Boy Gorgeous and I have had in-depth conversations and have decided this would be the worst STD to have. You would die and couldn't drink. Shudder.) Second, it would be like dating a gyno. How do you stand out from the pack? It is unnerving knowing you will be judged along side "professionals." I doubt I bring the same skill set and would be setting myself up for failure. I wouldn't try out for a professional dance company or rodeo...I would look like a fool and most likely hurt myself badly. But then comes the pull of the dark side.....I really need to get another hobby. I'm simply mad.....

Friday, May 22, 2009

Holiday! Celebrate!

This is more or less what the girl Kat looks like today. I was out drinking wine with Freakishly Tall Guy until the weeeeee hours of the morning and up early for my fucktacular job. Good thing I saved half of my crap sandwich from yesterday. I cannot properly express the gratitude I am feeling that it is a three day weekend. Doc is coming to visit next week (yay!!!!!) and I am going to use this weekend to clean and work out. I want my "Madonna Thighs" I had last summer back and the flat, two pack abs. Right now, I am sporting six pack abs...just not in the traditional sense (I keep my beer in there.) I hope this weekend holds a surprise or two. If not, I have an entire week of Judge Judy's to catch up on. Win win either way. Happy Memorial Day!

My favorite color is bruise

Freakishly Tall Guy is adorable, charming, smart, funny, wine conneseur. Oh yeah, he is also a porn producer.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

What goes down...well mostly stays there.

I had a date last night with Freakishly Tall Guy from the Dirty Filthy Web site. We met at Starbucks and spent an hour and a half getting to know one another. We are both sci-fi geeks, he can't have dairy (some weird blood allergy,) both not from here and seemingly equally attracted to one another. It was the best date I have been on in four years. I got in my car, and promptly started to cry. What massive train wreck is coming my way? He texted me to tell me he had a really good time and wanted to go out tonight. Consider it done.
Today at work I was sustained by a steady diet of the never-ending shit sandwich. I was talked down to, yelled at, cursed out and was basically just a punching bag for multiple people. I just had to take it as I was helpless to change the situations and the only thing I could do was let people vent. As I am trying to talk an irate (multimillion dollar) customer down, I get an IM from Freakishly Tall Guy.
FTG: listen, before getting together this evening, I wanted to let you know that I am not prepared at this time to go "exclusive"-I have a few others that I see and enjoy my experience with them and am not willing to cut it off. I am open and honest about everything but would like to maintain my current lifestyle....agreed?
What the fuck do you say to that? It wasn't like I was dancing around singing Beyonce's Single Ladies to him....I was taken aback. A few?? Ultimately, I decided that I am short one fuck buddy these days so what the hell....Most guys do it, at least he is being up front about it. I changed my FB status to:
Kat is going to put her hand in the flame despite knowing she is going to get it burned (again.)
Video Lman: Pour some lighter fluid on it. Mostly for maximum effect.
RonDiggety: The Lady GaGa-sour milk analogy is apt for quite a few things. You know it's going to be bad, but you want to smell it anyway.
Work Friend: What's the young suiter's name??
Kat: I mean that literally Work Friend. Cutting is for pussies.
So, I am about to have the last few bites of my shit sandwich and then sign my name on Freakishly Tall Guy's waiting list. I will let you know how it goes.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Why are guys such pussies?

Pigs and pussies....are there any other kind? If so, I ain't meeting them.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Mercy Married Man

Oy vey. Some guys are persist, I will give them that. This is definitely the case with the Investor Douchebag. I met him on the Dirty Filthy Web Site and started talking to him several months ago. At first, he seemed normal and cool (don't they all.) Over time, I noticed a pattern. He would only chat or call me during business hours, never on the weekend. When I would call him after hours I got a variety of excuses as to why he didn't answer; left his phone at the gym, didn't hear it ring, left it in the car etc. It doesn't take Einstein to figure out what is going on there. Married much? He was intent on proving to me that this was not the case. He wrote me incredibly long emails claiming his undying love and letting me know that I am his dream girl he has been looking for his whole life. He texted incessantly. He planned on visiting me, the date to be determined at a later date. Lots of calls. All this done, Mon-Fri, 9-5. WTF? When I called him out on his fuckery and told him to eat shit the tenor of his emails, text and voice mails changed to nasty (again, all during business hours during the week.) I thought I had finally shaken the married asshole. No such luck. When I told him to pound sand today, here is the message he sent me;

Investment Douchbag (5/17/2009 11:09:43 AM): ooooh nice bitch! sweet lil cunt mouth that you are! Funny at 40 you cant control your anger, your money, you life, your friends, or well yourself in general. MOst people with your rate of failure at least do society a favor and commit suicide.

At least I can spell and punctuate. I wonder if he kisses his wife with that potty mouth?

Friday, May 15, 2009

Big Wack Attack

Mr. MBA finally got around to watching The Wrestler and was pleasantly surprised there was some Marissa Torme boobage, and it was good. So good, he was repeatedly rubbing one out. Pausing the movie for a little recovery time, then going at it again. When I spoke to him last night, he said he was dehydrated from the marathon masturbation session and was taking a break to run to the Sev and get some Gatorade and carbs so he could continue on into the night. He was "shooting sawdust" according to him. I do love my friends and their commitment to a higher purpose.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

RIP Skeptic

My fuck buddy that won't fuck me, Skeptic and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. He calls me and after some tap dancing (bailing on me, shocking!) tells me he doesn't want me to think he is flaky...he is involved with someone and has been for the entire three years we have had our hook up. He is on an "honesty kick" and felt the need to cleanse his soul. Now Filthy and Gorgeous Posse, please remember this is the guy that would try to tell me his feelings and I would say, er...don't you have friends? He would be depressed and tell me he didn't think he could get it up but if I wanted to have dinner and, I told him again, dude, you exist in my world for ONE REASON. I have friends, he has his place. I point out that he would rather I think he is a cheating, asshole liar than a flake? Interesting. Did he tell his gf/wife/whatever about me? Nope, some honesty kick. The one person he actually owes honesty to is the one ommitted from his confessional. I am so pleased he made himself feel clean by making me feel dirty.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

won't you take me to...Cougartown!

As you get farther from the epicenter of Hollywood cool, the age at clubs goes up and the atmosphere goes down. This is certainly the case at the Arena Sports Bar and Grill in Simi Valley. The interior is like a poor man's TGI Fridays and the crowd, a low rent cast of Real Housewives of Orange County. I was the youngest Cougar in the Cougar Bar. I went to see a band that was comprised of a bunch of my engineers from a customer. They were fantastic! Rocked the house and got all the old folks shaking their bones. I met SexualChocolate and Duke there...couple of young hottie potatties like them....they might as well have been wearing chum underpants. Insert Jaws theme song and imgaine a pack of circling Cougars. It is a miracle they weren't raped like Jodi Foster in that movie, there were pool tables there so it might have been a very accurate re-enactment.
It seems whenever we go out, we end up taking care of someone. Last time this band played, we spent the evening babysitting HottieEsq (we are no longer friends, more on that another time) when she had a seizure. That is what happens when you don't take your drugs......This time our friend was heartbroken and chose to drown her sorrows in alcohol (the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems-Homer Simpson.) She was ripshit fucked up by the time we got there at 8pm. So, here was the defining event; she had reconnected with her ex-husband via Facebook and started having a torried affair with him. He was currently married with children. In what one would suspect was a pang of guilt, he broke it off with her via email. Now I am a very pain-adverse human being. I do not need to touch a flame to see if it is hot. Additionally, there is the karmic code which dictates that you don't mess with another woman's man. Why do we go down a path which we know is ultimately going to cause us undue pain? You don't need a crystal ball to know this is going to end badly. I have another friend doing the very same thing right now. I want to slap these women and tell them to snap out of it! In the best of circumstances relationships are really hard and painful by nature. Why would one choose to begin one on a foundation of quick sand? In order to keep our friend from driving home, Duke threw himself on the fire and took one for the team. He danced with her while we tried to sober her up for the drive home. SexualChocolate and I were laughing as we could see he was being violated repeatedly (good thing the dance floor was on the other side of the bar from the pool tables.) We made her stay for a couple of hours drinking 7 and Jacks (hold the Jack.) This week, I noticed she had changed her status on Facebook to, in a relationship, it's complicated. That it is......
Ps. I know Brooke Hogan is not officially a cougar. I couldn't help but to publish this pic. I can't decided if she looks more like a cougar or a tranny....