Friday, June 29, 2007


Day seven of sobriety is over......I waited until 9 and cracked a bottle of Merlot I got wine tasting with the Doc in Passe Robles a couple of weekends ago. I hate to admit this, but upon the first sip.......ahhhhh. I feel like a circuit has been completed in my body. Tequilia is the control alt del of reality but wine is like the satin sheets, the luxurious lotion, the cashmere sweater. It makes it all worthwile to slip into the peppery, cherry, long oaky finish of a good bottle of wine. I am still sick, but I don't care right now. Boy Gorgeous and the Metro called me and wanted me to come party tonight with them in Santa Monica. Facing the world was not an option tonight. I was tempted as I am looking pretty cute, I am wearing my new Slutty Holly Hobby dress today. I know the boys love me. I guess last Friday when I went out with BG and the Metro I commented on the Metro's new facial hair. I saw him and immediately asked him what the fuck he was thinking??? I commented that he looked like a terrorist and he is way too good looking to hide under that nasty, hairy brush he called a beard. According to BG, the Metro was horribly self conscious for the rest of the evening and shaved within hours of coming home Ha! Ok, enough of this. I am going to go back to my sofa and sip on my glass of ruby red ambrosia and nurse myself back to either health or drunkenness.

Thursday, June 28, 2007


I am sick, again. Went out with Boy Gorgeous, Sexual Chocolate and the Metro last Friday and partied until the wee hours of the morning. Woke up Saturday SICK AS A DOG. It is Thursday, and I have barely left the house all week. I have a deep and resonant hack which is disgusting. I have had a fever, sore throat and no energy. My house is a mess. My dogs are bundles of house bound energy. I have more dirty clothes than clean at this point (don't worry, I ran out and bought some more yesterday.) I am incredibly behind in my work. I have been having nightmares. All in all, it has sucked to be me of late. Today is day six of my sobrierity. It is sad to say, I cannot remember the last time I have not drank in six consecutive days. I have cut my smoking in half in anticipation of quitting on Monday (I started my quit smoking medication and it takes two weeks for it to hit critical mass in my system and makes me barf.) Can it be that I am finally going down the path to self-improvement? I have to do this, I have a picture of myself in my head....a few years down the line being Selma or Patty (Marge's chain smoking, Matlock watching, bitter, Iguana loving, terminally single sisters from the Simpsons.) The crazy thing is even though I am still really sick, I am being very productive. I knit an entire shrug last night. A little bit of finishing and blocking to do.....but a sweater in one night?? Unheard of. Well my friends, don't anticipate seeing me any time soon. I am holed up and not leaving until I am a healthy, sober, non-smoker with fourteen new sweaters. Take it from me, it is better this way.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Things that make you go hmmm.....

So, I was telling my friend about my experience at the market last week when I purchased a pregnancy test, beer and friend is a Dom and he had a similar experience at Save On. He checked out with his items in this order; scented candle (beep), clicky lighter (beep), bottle of wine (beep), box of condoms (knowing glance from clerk with approving head nod, beep), 100 feet of rope (pause, review previous items, cuts him a look.) Who says romance is dead?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Knocked Up???

Monday, I saw the movie Knocked Up with Sexual Chocolate and it got me to thinking.....when the hell was my last period? I mean, I cannot remember and this movie fed all of my fears about getting hooked up for life with a loser. In my movie, he is a loser when I meet him and an even bigger loser when I get to know him. No happy ending here. If you want to raise some eyebrows, do what I just did. I just went across the street to the grocery store and bought a pregnancy test. On my way to the check out, I grabbed a six pack (a girl has to pee right??) Finally when I get up to the clerk I ask for a pack of cigs. The black chick behind me looks at my stuff, looks at me, looks at my stuff, cuts me a look. The unmistakable stink eye!! The clerk had about the same reaction, beer (beep), pregnancy test (beep, glance up, pause, connecting dots), request for cigarettes (condescending scowl). I wanted to scream, "Oh yeah, I could be my baby's mamma....but I am not gonna keep it! It has a date with a drain!!!" But I didn't. I hung my head and felt the burn of judgement on the back of my head. I mean, why do the commercials for pregnancy tests always show a happy woman (with a wedding ring, ALWAYS. Start looking for it and you will see what I mean. Diaper commercials too.) over the moon because she peed on a stick and got a happy face. Bun in the oven, Yay!!! I mean, in reality it is someone like me.....chugging beer, chain smoking and making deals with God....please please please noooooooooo!!!! I don't want to be stuck with this douche bag for the rest of my life!! This would not be a joyful event for me. I may go sacrifice a chicken prior to peeing on a stick. Can't hurt to play both sides. Wish me luck.


I am smitten. This is crazy. It is inappropriate and let me tell you why; I hired him. Well, interviewed him....and gave my thumbs up to his hiring. That is one negative. On the positive side, he is only a contractor so he will be working for me for only three months, then he is FAIR GAME! I spoke to him for over an hour today under the guise of discussing business. This was a calculated move as I know I do MUCH better with guys once they get to know me on a "friend" basis. A few too many drinks one night and then I am looking REALLY good to him. I am mentally mapping my opportunities to maximize my meeting/conversational time with him and to get our drink on. I am crafty like ice is cold, snap! He is a touch younger than I...don't tell him. He lives in Manhattan Beach which might as well be Pluto from where I live. I do not know if the smitteness is mutual yet, but I can tell he is definitely intrigued by me. He has already characterized me as an H.R. nightmare and I happily showed him our employee handbook (there isn't one, that is the joke.) He thinks it is funny I call him "Dawg" and pointed out I am white. He also is a dirty filthy rap fan. He parties, a lot! I am not going to insult the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse by saying I am not calculating. I am working him and he has NO idea. How do we effectively bait our traps? What steps should I take to make this seem like this was his idea to him? I am going to consult Boy Gorgeous and I am sure he will have some interesting suggestions. I am open to yours as well. I don't want to die alone and I really need a vacation so remember these are the desired results. All help is appreciated.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

falling apart

I am falling apart which is why I have not been blogging. I finally went to the hack doctor drug seeking yesterday and it went as I had expected. I told him I have been very dizzy for the last couple of weeks and he asked if I had seen a neurologist. NEUROLOGIST?!?!? Are you fucking kidding me? Why don't we skip right to the spinal tap and call it good? I told him I had an ear ache which I believed to be at the root of the prob. He looked into my ear (and by the way, he/his office are so dirty I don't want him coming near me) and agreed I have an ear infection and he would prescribe the same drugs he gave me at Christmas. I reminded him he almost killed me at Christmas as I am allergic to penicillin and how 'bout we try a good 'ol Z pack? Then I showed him my rash and said I think I am having an allergic reaction.....looks like you are having an allergic reaction he says (is there an echo in here?) and I suggested some prescription strength cortisone which he gave me. Finally, I showed him my "stink toe" and said I have a bacterial infection in my toe and I just wanted to make sure it was OK.....oh, well, we will have to get an X-ray of that toe he says. X-ray? It is a bacterial infection in the NAIL BED. We need to make sure it isn't in the bone, he, no. No X-ray, no trumped up bill. He referred me to a podiatrist (who I have no intention of seeing) and sent me on my way. Just wanted to let the Posse know why I haven't been blogging as I have been sitting on my sofa with the mad spins, nursing arm herpes and watching my stink toenail grow. I have been through medical school self-diagnosing the last couple of weeks which is exhausting. Hopefully I am on the mend and will be back with more exciting news. Muah! Kat

Monday, June 04, 2007

Playing Possum

Last week, a woman I know told me she is getting divorced after many years of marriage and asked me how I go about meeting guys. I launched into stories of my recent attempts at meeting men in all kinds of situations and was met with much laughter from the audience, except for the soon to be divorced woman. I looked at her and I felt badly as I MADE HER CRY! Hey, it is tough out there and the sooner she knows the reality of the situation the better. You have to develop an armadillo exterior if you want to get into the dating scene in SoCal. Even your girl Kat here has recently retreated a bit into her dog/knitting/friend world because the rejection was getting a bit rough for me as well. Not quite armadilloesque, more like a possum curled up in a self-protective ball. My Mojo is broken and rather than push this issue, I have decided to take a step back and wait out the storm. As we all know, the ineffable thing called "mojo" ebbs and flows. In the meantime, I have been very productive. Finished another sweater this weekend. Boy Gorgeous and I have decided to do a little experiment this month, no drinking. None. We are going to scientifically evaluate this experiment on these criterion; fat loss, money saved, frame of mind and general feeling of well-being. I am not so sure how I am going to do this month as I am a bit of an alcoholic (OK, OK, FULL BLOWN). I have done the math in the past, if I quit drinking beer, I would lose 187 lbs. in one year. This is going to be rough. I suppose going through alcohol withdrawl will keep my mind off of the fact that my pretend boyfriend is now unemployed with a real girlfriend and I have a fuck buddy that won't fuck me. Sigh, it is always something. Curling up in a ball and waiting for it to be safe again seems like a good idea to me.

Friday, June 01, 2007

There is no June gloom with me around Boys!! XOXOXOO Betty

Ex Husband

I am not sure why I did this, but last night I googled my ex-husband's name. I know many of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse are shocked by that statement, I was married. I never speak of it as it was a long time ago (I was 23) and it was very brief (six weeks after a $35,000 Barbie wedding.) Needless to say, it ended badly and was quite embarrassing. When I googled him, I found him and an email address. I sent him a brief email titled "ex wife here" not expecting a response. I got one. Now what? Here was his reply;

Hi Kat…

What a surprise! Did you have a nightmare with me as protagonist? I hope not. Yes, this is me and my email and of course would love to tell you how I am doing…at the end of the day. You caught me last night on my way back from Nicaragua and Honduras. Today I am in recovery mode.

Will get back to you soon. Let me know how you are.

Ex Husband

It occurs to me I never wanted to hear from him again and I now have this open can of worms to contend with thanks to myself. What is with the "XXs" under his name? How do you go about summing up the last fifteen years of your life to someone that betrayed you so badly? Who goes to Nicaragua and Honduras??!!! Why did I do this? Loneliness? Boredom? Curiosity? They say, curiosity killed the cat....let's hope it doesn't do the same to our girl Kat here. I wonder if he still does that really annoying thing of pushing up his sleeves on his jacket? I wonder if he remembers our word for squirrels (chorkey, weird I know...) I wonder if he remembers the first time he saw fireflies....with me in the country, the night sky was electric. I wonder if he still remembers his nickname for me, Nippy. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder..........