Sunday, February 05, 2012
Saturday, February 04, 2012
Thursday in therapy I launched into the recounting of my weekend with Manhattan Millionaire with all of the righteous indignation I could muster, "Didn't he see that I was incredibly empathetic to his irrational fear and was willing to do anything to make him feel better? Doesn't that count for something??" My therapist patiently listened before he chimed in, "Are you ready Kat?" (Uh oh. This is going to be a big fat oh shit bomb.) "MM's bullying triggered your PTSD. You weren't taking care of him, you reverted back to survival mode to protect yourself to make his abuse stop." Woah. He was right.
I've been crying since Thursday due to this revelation (and probably the hormones from the morning after pill still raging through my system.) All of this hard work I've been doing and I still don't recognize abuse. My therapist pointed out, "Many women would have told him to fuck himself, get help for his phobia, bag your shit!, packed up and never spoken to him again. Instead, you made myself sick and put yourself at risk for serious health issues then spent the rest of the weekend catering to him." FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Yesterday I told Manhattan Millionaire to pound sand permanently. I'm setting sail for calmer waters.
Wednesday, February 01, 2012
I walked in to the beautiful Chateau Tivoli, a Victorian bed and breakfast in The Haight district of San Francisco. It was what one might expect; over the top gilded grandeur more suited for a brothel than a hotel. As I was checking in, Manhattan Millionaire made his entrance gliding down the elaborately carved wooden staircase and sweeping me into his arms. My feet left the floor as he spun me around in a tight embrace. I then got a good look at him. The years had been kind. He looked much the same as I had remembered with the exception of some gray at his temples. He was a very handsome man and had retained his boyish good looks.
We retreated into the parlor and sipped wine on a ridiculously fragile looking Victorian settee. We both giggled while commenting on our surroundings. I could not believe I was finally seeing him! 3D after years of 2D communication! We both were grinning like school kids with the awkward tension between us palpable. I found it impossible to keep my hands from caressing his face. Magical.
We reluctantly parted so I could finish checking in and change for dinner. My room was beautiful with a fireplace and antique furnishings. I took my time as I changed into my gorgeous Trashy Lingerie bra, panties and garters. Hand made lace with satin ribbon trim which fit me like a glove. I wore a blue chiffon cocktail dress which was form fitting, but left much to the imagination. Finally, I slipped on a pair of patent stilettos, my black velvet coat and made my way downstairs.
Red flag no. 1; he didn't say one complimentary thing about my appearance
Red flag no 2; he hadn't made dinner reservations even though we had planned this trip for over three months
We left the hotel walking randomly on a quest for a restaurant. We passed a jazz club and MM flipped because some jazz bass legend was playing there that night. We got tickets, and a front row seat. They had food as well but let's just say....er seared ahi with tartar sauce? Really?? The show was good, the wine flowed and he started to pepper me with kisses and caresses. We had another drink at the bar before going back to the hotel. I was turning heads but he seemed oblivious. I'm not conceited, but I know when I look good and I LOOKED GOOD. We talked about birth control at this point and I told him I can't get pregnant but offered to get condoms. He said he believed me and we went back to the hotel.
The lovemaking (I know, I know...even I gag as typing that but that is what it was) was exceptional. It was passionate, intimate, fun.....our bodies fit together like puzzle pieces. We collapsed after several hours and slept with our bodies entwined. This is where I wish the story ended......
Red flag no 3; MM woke up at 6 AM having a melt down that he got me pregnant
Saturday morning started in an emotional clusterfuck. MM shared that a woman tried to pin paternity on him seven years ago and he was traumatized. It had cost him a ton of money and even more emotional turmoil to find out he wasn't the father. He has since developed a phobia. I listened empathetically and told him I was willing to do whatever he needed to feel safe. He shook it off and said that he knew it was his shit and we went forward with our day. We went to the Golden Gate Bridge, Fisherman's Wharf, Musee Mechanique, saw the seals, drove down the world's most crooked street.....fun stuff.
Red flag no 4; MM FREAKED OUT SEVERAL MORE TIMES OVER THE PREGNANCY THING!!!!
I had my doctor's business card in my hand dialing my phone in order to get the morning after pill a few times during the course of the day. It seemed he had relaxed and we went back to the hotel when he told me to stop before I opened the gate. Stupidly, I thought he was going to kiss me. He brought up the morning after pill AGAIN. I ONCE AGAIN calmly sat down, and dialed my doctor. He was gone for the day. I then googled Planned Parenthood and realized you could buy the morning after pill over the counter. While I'm doing this, MM is RANTING about how he's not going to be trapped, I will NOT have his child etc. Ok, I snapped. Enough is enough and he had hit the limits of my patience, kindness and understanding that there is some mental short circuit in his head. He Googled pharmacies and began to walk in the direction of the nearest Walgreens. I told him I would go, get the morning after pill, run an errand I needed to do in The Haight and he could take care of his work and meet me later. I was seething and he could hear it, "are you angry?!?" he asked me. "Yes." I replied and he asked me why. "1. You are getting insulting now. You are calling me a liar 2. You could do a lot worse than to have me mother your child and you are acting as if I am scum. 3. You are almost 50 years old! This is YOUR issue and now you are making it mine.....all we had to do was get fucking condoms! and 4. I DON'T WANT YOUR FUCKING BABY! If i were pregnant this thing would have a date with a drain so fucking fast!! I don't want your money, I don't want to be a single mom, I don't want a child!!!!!!" Yeah, I lost it.
An hour and a half later, I texted MM and asked him if he wanted to meet me in the Haight.
Red Flag no 5; MM apparently doesn't appreciate how far he pushed me and was now actually angry with me
"Not after you stormed off like that I don't...." he replied. I called him and explained, "I don't know anyone that wouldn't get angry after a day like we have had. I needed to walk away from you because I was going to say something I would regret. I walked it out. Are you going to meet me?" He reluctantly agreed. He showed up at Hobson's Rum Bar and still had an attitude. I had bought a ukulele which he picked up and plunked on a bit, "guess this means you didn't run that other errand then huh?" He asked me. "So you're gonna be like this huh?" I said as I smacked the Walgreens receipt down on the table, "You owe me $48.31." He examined the bill, handed me $50, "You can keep the change. Can I have the package I just paid for?" I gave it to him, then opened it, took the pills out....I put one in my mouth, showed him it was on my tongue, took a swig of my beer, opened my mouth again to show him it was gone, "would you like to check my cheeks to make sure I didn't pocket it?" I asked? I read the package and told him the second pill should be taken in 12 hours.
Red Flag no 6; MM set the alarm and woke me up at 3:45 to take the second pill!
The rest of the weekend was uneventful. There wasn't as much as a held hand or a kissed cheek. There was some enlightening conversation. Over the course of the rest of Saturday and Sunday morning, it became evident to me that he has Augsburg's. What I had thought was him hiding a relationship, or just being a dick, or selfish really stems from the fact he has this disease. He is incapable of empathy, social norms and situations baffle him. He told me some personal and telling stories which made me come to pity him. He is an incredibly successful man, as many Augsburg's patients are because they can stay task-focused. He is gifted in math and music. He told me he has never been happier than he is at this point of his life because he has distanced himself from people and spends his time with his algorithms. The frustration I had with him is because I am analog and he is as digital as digital can be. 1 or 0, on or off, yes or no.....no gray areas.
I had to remind myself that I shouldn't get upset. He didn't check in on me to see if I were ok after taking the morning after pill. I texted him in a way I thought would resonate, and I think it did. "The social convention would be for you to check in on me......" He replied and seemed relieved because he admitted he didn't know what to do. "You are wonderful...." He texted me last night before once again falling off the grid.
This marks the end of me messing with my ghosts. I got an answer, not the one I was expecting at all. It cost me $1500 bucks, several days of hormone induced illness (with risk of stroke,) and the death of a fairytale to get it. Was it worth it to find out MM is Rainman? No. I'm done sticking my hand in the flame......