Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Crusty Old Geezer....Scrooged.

According to my horoscope, my intuition is in top form today.  My loneliness and confusion regarding love is top on my mind and this is the optimal time to open up with someone about my feelings with reference to the stars.  Finally, I am about to give up on love.  Just a little light message to take into my day.
I needed to get out of my house, and out of my head according to Foodie.  I am reflective while sipping some brazilian tea and observing the stream of hipsters that enter the Akasha coffee shop downtown Culver City.  I'm sad and I know why; I am Manhattan Millionaire's West Coast booty call.  There.  I said it.  Something wasn't sitting right with me and then I spoke to Mr. MBA last night.  "Come on.  You know what it is......"  I did, but I didn't want to admit it.  "Is Manhattan Millionaire going out of his way to see you Kat?  He has money correct?  In all of the years you have been talking he could have gotten on a plane and visited you for the weekend."  He's right.  I tried weakly to object citing all of the complimentary things MM has said to me and how awkward and excited he is.  All the nerdy sexting we've been doing.  Mr. MBA patiently waiting for me to run out of defensive steam before replying, "He's doing what is necessary to get in your pants."  Fuck.  He is right.  This is why he is my super secret male decoder ring.
I spoke with my aunt later last night and she reminded me it was Christmas and I should go to church, that is where I will meet a nice man.  She also had some of our good ol' fashioned Germanic pragmatic advice for me; "Quit aiming for the stars.  Settle.  Quit wasting time on past loves or worrying about the future.  Live in the now.  Go sing some Christmas carols."  I hung up and cried, not channeling the reason for the season but Scrooge.  Maybe she's right I should janitor did just ask me out.
I texted Manhattan Millionaire a frowny face and over a very brief text exchange I told him I'd had a rough day.  "You're brilliant and thoughtful and hilarious and wildly irresistible, if that's any consolation. :)" Was the last text I got last night.  I cursed at my vagina for the power it wields over men.
My intuition tells me that I must have the convo with MM and bail on San Francisco in Jan.  My loneliness is saying suck it up and just have fun and tap HIS ass.  I wonder which one will prevail.  Bah humbug.


Thursday, December 01, 2011

Hope for the best...tuck and cover

It finally happened! Manhattan Millionaire is coming to California……it will be in almost two months at the end of January. I'm not sure my little heart will be able to last that long. I am again smitten. He is wonderful. I just need a strong reality check that beyond our (sure to be magical) weekend together in San Francisco, it is extremely unlikely anything will develop. He lives in Manhattan. I live in Los Angeles. Drag man. He is my Abelard and I love our chat affair we have going on. He called me Monday and during our conversation reminded me it has been (gulp!) 27 years since we last laid eyes on each other. I had lunch with AppleBottom yesterday and she was sugar coating the fact that I am a bit of an odd bird. "Kooky" is her code for weird. Her advice was to keep up with my activities…."continue on with that "kooky" class you're taking. You will meet someone that appreciates your, er, unique way." "You mean my improv class?" I questioned, not thinking that was very freaky. "Yeah, that…." she said. Hm. I spent the rest of the day contemplating what she was saying, I am so "kooky" that I will never connect with a normal man. By the time Mr. MBA called me after work, I was spinning. "I just have to not be myself!" I blurted out when I answered the phone. "Am I really that weird?" He started laughing, "you are going to work yourself into a fit by your date friday….." I think he started to reconsider our friendship when I told him the date was nearly two months away. As any good friend would, Mr. MBA reassured me I am not weird but interesting. I hope he is right. I have almost two months to become Kat 2.0, the best version of myself I can be. Eradicating "weird" would be a hopeless task considering all of the other work that must be done. Manhattan Millionaire asked me Monday why I am not dating now. "I want something exceptional." was my honest response. Is it foolish to hope the karmic wheel is turning and it is my time for something exceptional? I have worked so hard and made so many painful decisions over the last year. It would be nice to think that the universe would acknowledge that by throwing a hot, smart and successful man my way. Throw this girl a bone!

Monday, October 31, 2011


Halloween is my favorite holiday! This year, I dressed as the ring leader of the Dysfunctional Three Ring Circus me and my two besties have become known as. The quintesential fag hag that I am, I have retreated to the safety and security that is my gay family. I characterize hanging out in West Hollywood as being starving at a huge buffet where you can't eat anything. I will probably not get hurt, but I will not likely get laid either. The trade off is a shit ton of drinking.....couple of weeks ago my GayHusband bashed his head on a bathtub after a night of drinking and ended up with three stitches in his cute noggin. At brunch, our friends wanted to see his "bloody gash" and I commented that he was becoming more and more like me every day. (ewwwww! was the resounding response to that comment.) My fav lesbian, Daddy cut her finger tip off while drunk cooking...."that is like a lesbian circumcision!" I commented....(again ew.) I've recently face planted in my friend TheWitch's garden after a vodka fueled evening. I landed with a decorative rock in the small of my back. TheWitch noted I more 'wilted' into the dirt not spilling a drop of my cocktail and I got golf claps. The rush of people to help me was met with my desire to just stay there for a while. I took a mini dirt nap. We have had sprained ankles, knocked out is dangerous out there. When not drinking I'm getting my improv on at The Groundlings. I've been feathering my nest which is looking amazing. I'm continuing my therapy which seems to be working. I just cut out International Playboy. The drink he promised repeatedly never materialized and that saying about never making someone a priority that makes you and option was resonating. The therapy must be working....that smacks of a modicum of self-esteem. Woah. Eventually I will have to venture out into the straight dating world again. For the moment, I am enjoying the fuckery that ensues in our Family Circus! Happy Halloween and Slut it UP!!!!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Save a Ho HELLZ No!

I am far from perfect. If you know me in real life you would know I spend a respectable amount of time beating myself up. I do tons of stupid shit yet I try to be better. I actually put in the effort.

As I get healthier, I shed those around me that are toxic. I find others are invested in keeping me weak, alcoholic, scared.....God forbid I get better, my "friends" feel worse about themselves.

Dare I say it...I'M HAPPY! I'M FUCKING HAPPY! I am living in a drama free zone. I have men courting me. I hike a lot. I made it through my audition (with 16 professional actors!) into the Groundling's core improv program. I have money in the bank.

There is a bittersweet quality to leaving friends behind. You want them to be the best they can be and hope they share that wish for you. One of my closest friends for the last 15 years has some major problems. She does/did drugs. I do not want her in my orbit anymore. I can't deal with it. She has turned another mutual friend against me....and last night I said something brutal; if you want a coke whore in your orbit...fine. Please respect I do not. She mentioned this to the other woman that texted me this; "Coke whore? You are such a pathetic loser piece of shit. No wonder you don't have a friend or a lover. Thank God I removed you from my life. I have been blessed with so much happiness and love since then. I hope you rot in your selfish pathetic life." Yup, sounds like someone well adjusted eh? Sticking up for myself is a new thing.

Realizing a friendship has reached it's potential is difficult. Realizing the limitations of those we love (including ourselves) is a lot of painful work. Bootylicious calls me "Captain Save a Ho." I might be short sighted to realize at the moment that the Ho that I have to save is myself. The time to let go of self-destructive behavior is now.

Friday, June 17, 2011

wake up Kat!

This weekend I was having a hard time watching Hulu on my iPad. The reason; I could see my reflection in the screen.

I haven't been able to look at myself for years. When putting on make-up I give myself the "side eye." I avoid glances of myself in mirrors or windows. Right now, I am attempting to tilt my MacBook screen in such a way I can see what I'm typing and avoid my image.

I have not been able to look myself in the eye for a very long time. Perhaps it is the therapy; talk, psycho, hypno, energy work, life coach...blah blah...or the drugs that are making me brave. I think the beginning is shedding people that remind me of the worst parts of me. The people with which you surround yourself are some of the most telling reflections of them all.

It is a Friday night and I have no plans. No hope for plans actually. I am naked before myself. I'm not likely to drown in my image. Oddly, it is my image that has been drowning me I'm realizing.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

racist me

oh the dramz....

I was accused of being a racist last night. I am part of a community now, sad isn't it?

I'm sober. It sucks ass. Mornings are better yet........minute by minute it is challenging. I want to get super fucked up now. I won't. Sigh.

My sober buddy, Corset, called me on it today. My hot neighbor asked her if she was my sponsor. Alcoholics ANONYMOUS dumbass! She isn't. He had an idiot savant moment where he recalled her name from me saying I was going to an AA meeting a month ago with "Laura." Luck of the draw, my besties from home are Lori, Laura and Laura. (when in doubt...)

Took a Xanax this morning. Not working. I still hate you brown/asian/jew/um..whatever people

Monday, March 28, 2011

Ahhhhh! I feel as if I can once again stretch my arms! I spilled a beer on my old laptop, apparently they don't like them as much as I do. All I have had is my work laptop which has been in the IT department and lord only knows what software they loaded. Today I bought myself my personal Mac Book pro. Awesome to be able to surf porn again without fear of being fired by the Christian coalition I work for. It is also awesome to be able to plunk down $1300 hundo without blinking an eye. CASH baby!

I continue down my path of self-improvement which is annoying and time-consuming. It is yielding results. I am looking healthy. I am acting healthy. I am making good decisions. I think I may have found my future ex..... I saw the Jew today as I drove home, waiting for Big Love at his transportation comittee meeting he said she didn't take part in. It solidifies I have made the right decision; he is lying when his mouth is moving. Rather than being upset or unwraveling or popping a Xanax I thought, "right...of course." Hideous bitch.

Today I signed up for an improv class and bought a new computer. Fuck them and their Charles Manson Family. I deserve better. I am actually beginning to believe that now.

Tonight I surf porn and type "vagina vagina vagina" because I can. So many things are feeling right and great right now. Over the last two years I have really learned about unconditional love. I have NOT been lovable yet I'm getting my head out of my ass and am seeing some familiar faces. The view (and air) are better from this vantage point. I am so grateful.

Friday, February 11, 2011

something stinks......

I'm adamant that do-overs in relationships are always a very bad idea. Even so, I find myself in the middle of just that. As a threshold matter, whatever character flaws which caused you to dump them to begin with are likely still very present. This is what I am re-discovering with Big Love.

I wanted to believe the many promises he made to me while crying and begging me to come back. He went out with the Jew with a vengeance while we were split to humiliate me and hurt me. My hand made dining room table he promised me last Christmas was made and given to the Korean as her gift. Big Love does not understand why I am upset, actually angry that I do not see this as a "positive." He loved me so much he went ahead and made the table in spite of my leaving him. I replied, "You couldn't just buy her a Coach bag??" Yeah, I'm pissed. With tears in his eyes he promised to make me a better one as he now knows what he's doing.

Yesterday, I found the chairs I wanted on sale so I told him I would measure the chair heights to accommodate this amazing table, full of love which he was going to make for me. "Oh. I can't get around to that for months. Busy with work." Of course you are dick. I bought the table today. He is full of shit.

This is polyamory for you; do for yourself, be by yourself, live for yourself. He has broken his word on other critical issues but claims he never made such promises. Conveniently forgetful. In the meantime, I went to a club by myself...the same ones with the same people that he trotted the Jew in front of like the ugly horse faced show pony she is saying God knows what about me. I won't lie, I was nervous. Everyone was kind, compassionate...wondered where I had been. I faced yet another fear.

Oddly, I am just fine buying this table and going out alone because at least there is possibility. With Big Love the writing is on the wall. I want to do do all over this do-over.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


I'm having a very New Age moment and I am about to make myself barf. I've had a great day, I'm actually feeling that once familar feeling "happiness" today. The thing I found most remarkable about this was how I experienced other people; as happy.

I am going through theraputic hypnosis and he had me do a visualization Monday. I was to visualize standing in a fallow field of dirt. Desolate, devoid of any life whatsover. I pulled a flag out of the dirt which had my name on it and walked over an imaginary line in the dirt into a lush landscape. I planted my flag there. I felt the lovely breeze washing over me and the dappled sunlight on my skin. I did a yoga pose, my favorite balance pose, Tree Pose. I was so peaceful and full of light and love. A tear fell down my cheek.

Today I have been reminded of how I was actually intended to be in the world. I am a light and source of happiness to many. I bring food and company to my old lady neighbor. First on the scene with ice cream, movies and jammies to my friend that just broke off a relationship. Julie MacCoy socially on my Love Boat bringing so many different people together that eventually become friends. Beloved daughter. Star employee. Best friend. True love.

In my complete selfishness I hurt myself but today I realize just how much I have hurt others that have come to depend on me and love me. I am coming back from the darkness.

Sunday, January 09, 2011

Blue sky ahead

I survived the storm in spite of the last eight months being more like a squall. Always expending energy; never moving forward, never back more or less bobbing in place being beaten down by external forces. My structural integrity is compromised and there is more than a little bit of cosmetic damage. The exterior is more simply fixed with new window trimmings, a bit of elbow grease and care. The hull is a different matter. Everything rests upon having a strong internal structure. That is where my focus is today.

I started therapy. First time in my life I've felt the need to reach out for help. Today is day nine of putting myself in dry dock; no more drinking. I would like to say forever but I'm just not ready to make that commitment as it seems so daunting. Right now my goal is to make it through January but if I'm very honest with myself, I know I have to quit forever.

Over the last year and a half with Big Love I haven't slept, eaten, developed a wicked alcohol dependency and have had massive panic attacks. I've become a mere shell of who I am. I'm 5'9 and a size 2 which is ridiculous. I shake all the time, my thinking has been clouded and my reasoning fueled with jealousy, competitiveness and hatred. My moral compass is spinning. I need to find my way back home.

I hadn't spoken to Big Love for two months. In spite of my hearing from him constantly, hearing how he was taking the Ugly Girl everywhere with him (places he thought I would be so he could rub it in cruelly) I was doing better. Over Christmas I made a critical error by speaking to him. He promised me anything I wanted to come back, he cried and begged. It didn't take very long for him to return to his natural delusional state. He immediately reminded me why I cannot be with him. Although he said he was heartbroken over my loss and could not bear to date, after I rebuffed him he sent me a picture of a 24 year old fetish model he supposedly had a date with. He told me he gave my Christmas present away to another woman. He told me he would not dump the Jew. He hung up on me like a 13 year old girl would. Incessant texting. Melodramatic multi-page emails. Showing up at my place uninvited, three times. He is a trigger and I drank heavily over Christmas week.

Detox was a bitch. The only symptoms I did not enjoy were hallucinations, seizures and death. I white knuckled it through the headaches, sweating, insomnia and nausea. In the calm after the storm I am enjoying sleep for the first time in a year and a half. I am thinking more clearly. I have had moments of genuine happiness. This is just the first week. The water is still choppy but for the first time in a very long time I TRUST there is smooth sailing ahead.

Placing myself in dry dock is also a pretty exciting time. I am allowing myself the chance to thoughtfully walk the beach and examine every smooth rock and shell both in front and behind me. I am setting the course for the rest of my life. I have been on auto-pilot for too long and I am now consciously mapping out my journey. My therapist is my North Star that is safely guiding me back home. Happy New Years!