Saturday, July 28, 2007

Soy un perdedor

It is Saturday night at 9:30 and I am home alone with nothing to do. I could have gone out last night, but I decided to choose the adult route and stay home so I could get up and accomplish a bunch of junk today. I had a chance to go to Teddy's at the Roosevelt hotel; Hollywood hot spot for celebutants and hot messes. Would have been cool to say I have been there, but I just was so tired and have so much shit to do that I decided to stay home. Tonight, I was supposed to go out with HottieEsq which also did not happen. She had to go to a party and left me in the lurch. I know she isn't having a great time, however, I am still stuck at home by myself so I find that little consolation. I am pretty good at insuring I have something to do because I never feel like as much of a loser as I do when I am home on a weekend night. My best friends at home (Chicago) are all together tonight for a birthday party. They are texting and calling me...sounds like they are having a blast. I should be there yet I am in LA watching Forensic Files. Yippie. I could be doing a lot of things, however, I think I am just going to feel sorry for myself. Not often I get so firmly planted on the pity pot, but I know I will shake it off by tomorrow. Tonight, I am going to drink some beer, watch more CSI type programming (you NEVER want to piss me off, I know how to kill you without leaving any forensic evidence) and then go to bed with the proverbial "dog pile." Hope your Saturday is going better than mine.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Sowing Shit

PISCES - The Partner for Life Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet.
DragonLdy sent this to me today. This doesn't sound like me at all, does it?
I am my sign to a T. This probably explains a lot about me. If you believe in reincarnation, Pisces is the last stop on the incarnation train. We are old and tired souls. I think this is why I don't get too caught up in stuff, this is all transitory and I KNOW this. It is a deep knowing that I cannot explain. Takes the edge off of the bad shit and the good shit as well. This too shall pass. Also explains why I spend every last dime I make (and then some), am dissatisfied with all relationships, continue to smoke. It will all be OK, it will work out as it should. I am not afraid of death. I find joy in little things; cuddle from my doggies, a latte, a perfect day. It is the process of being human. It is our connections that define us. How we treat others. I think you can tell a lot about someone on how they treat animals. (Which brings me back to the dog fighting guy Vick, I don't think they are giving that guy enough credit. I tried getting Pandora and Fletch to fight all day yesterday; teased them with their dolly, held their snoots together, riled them up. I could not get them to fight. It is harder than you would think and Vick deserves props for that.) Ultimately, we are all connected and the only thing that really matters is that we love. Every experience is neither intrinsically good or bad, just a learning opportunity. I try to remind myself of this when I am embroiled in some drama or another. It is not easy to be sure, but this is why I am told that I am annoyingly "glass is half full" by lots of people. I think much of my recent malaise can be contributed to the fact I am not honoring the spiritual side of myself. I am much more calm when I am feeding that part of my soul. You may be surprised to know that at one point, I was studying to be a Unity minister. I am sowing shit right now so why am I shocked that shit is what I am reaping? A heaping bushel basket full of shit. Duh! Kindergarten metaphysics.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


I need to get a life. I have a blog about dating and I cannot get a date to save my life. It is pitiful really. So, to bide my time I have conversations about the dog fighting scandal such as this;

spankie: i feel so strongly about this....i am willing to place a little bet

sexual chocolate: that if the charges are dropped, he'll play again?

spankie: not feeling so confident with ten bucks on the line huh? money....mouth

sexual chocolate: I'm saying for some reason they are dropped his career isn't over

spankie: they will NOT be dropped

sexual chocolate: hypothetically, stranger things have happened

spankie: what if i got a pony tomorrow....want to speculate on that? just as likely

sexual chocolate: if you get a pony tomorrow, I'll give you ten bucks

spankie: i will name her buttercup and brush her mane daily. i will love her and pandora will be SO JEALOUS that she plots against the pony. she will tear up my favorite stuff and plant it on buttercup

sexual chocolate: it's funny because it's true

spankie: i will find horse poop (carefully placed by pandora) on my pillow. she will teach buttercup to say "whoooreeeeee" anytime i approach (in a whinny sort of way) i will come to the stable and buttercup will be wearing my bustier. Using my electric toothbrush, drinking my LAST beer.

sexual chocolate: you're crazy
It is official. I need to get laid. My fantasy life is revolving around a pony and not a donkey.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Don't want to Harp about it....

Dammit! I have back fat, again. It is undeniable and I am now going to have to do something about it. How many times do I need to remind myself that elastic is not my friend? Neither is beer. I slipped on one of my super hot pairs of True Religion jeans and I had to sort of, um tuck, my fat into the waistband. Pfft, they are only skinny jeans when what you are shoving into them is skinny. This weekend was fun at the Chimney Sweep. Place was thumping, partly because the Green Frog has been closed by the health department and the Sweep is getting the overflow (Mad roaches. Ew, I have been there a million times!) Dare I say, I may be getting my Mojo back! Yay me! I was working the room like a five dollar hooker works a back alley! Unfortunately, I got more digits from chicks than boys but baby steps.......I am officially a Cougar as I did get the digits of some nubile 26 year olds that called me Sunday to meet them at the Pineapple Hill. Actually got one of them to take his shirt off at the bar. Sexual Chocolate and Boobalicious showed up with their posse in tow and Knitstah with hers. Good times with good people. I wish I always had my friends to buffer me from reality. I have not been sleeping much and been having what I suspect are wee little panic attacks. I need to overcome the inertia which is prohibiting me from moving forward in any aspect of my life. I haven't been knitting, cleaning, dating, working out, working my job (well), managing my money. My life is a disaster right now and I know the steps that I need to take to break through this. Cha cha cha!!! New record, Boy Gorgeous blew me off Friday, Saturday and Sunday this weekend. He is leaving me in a week so I won't lie, it hurt my feelers. Saturday was understandable as he was getting some Pussy but......Some parting thoughts from DragonLady to the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse, "Friends are like buttcheeks: shit may come between them but they always stick together." I will remember that when I finally get to talk to BG so I don't wring his neck.
An update on the bruises of unknown origin; the consensus with the Posse is the one on my arm is a bite mark.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Bottom's up!

I think I have hit rock bottom and then I re-establish where the bottom is. First, I was accused of stealing this coke head's credit card Saturday. I have never stolen as much as a Bonnie Bell Lip Smacker from Walgreens in my life. I think it is time to reevaluate what you are doing when A. you are communicating with a coke head at all and B. you are being called a thief by one. Wrong on all levels. Next wake up call was when I had it out with my meth head neighbor. As we were arguing about him getting another male pit bull (his last dog was hit by a car and killed about a week ago; an untrained, unleashed and uncut male pit bull with a tweeker as an owner living in my building. That isn't dangerous at all is it?) As we are arguing, I am looking at his apartment. It is SPOTLESS. As a matter of fact, it is so clean it sparkles. My place is a pit. An absolute disaster. The tweeker is cleaner than I am. As I am walking back to my apartment I am thinking maybe I should start to do meth. My phone is ringing when I walk into my place and it is my mom. She had just been watching a documentary on drug use and was calling me to make me PROMISE I will not try meth even once (WTF??? can that woman read my mind from 2200 miles away??) I hate myself. I have been studying these bruises from Saturday night, and they scare me. I can make out distinct finger prints on my forearm. The bruise on my bicep is totally black and sick looking, I look like a crack whore. I have NO idea what could possibly cause the bruising patterns on my legs. Frankly, the scenarios I have been creating in my head are all unpleasant. My world is all topsy turvy and I am not digging on it. I have to figure out where I went wrong here and how do I extricate myself from these situations. As Homer Simpson says, "Alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." My recent retreat into sick isolation and knitting has not been enough. I think I am going to go back into my hole and emerge only when I feel good about myself. I know today I think this is rock bottom, but on an intellectual level I know these are just a taste of things to come if I don't do things differently. I can fall farther.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Creative writing

My writing class is tonight. I am finishing up with my work and getting a little bit to eat before I head over the hill. As I am eating I am chatting with my fuck buddy that won't fuck me;

Skeptic: Better get the lame comments out now; they won't fly in creative writing....
spankie: i don't think i am going to get much constructive criticism in this class......teacher is too "embrace the creative process!!! writing is creating art!!!"
Skeptic: In that case, if I were you I'd try to push the bounds of good taste in the writing....
spankie: if you had any idea....maybe i will submit my blog entry next week about having a condom lodged deep in my cavernous hole? that should get some attention. my vagina as an intergalactic worm hole.....lost socks and keys are located within it's realm.
Skeptic: That's writing. Now try creative writing.
spankie: ok, i just spit out some captain crunch on that one....touche

Sigh. Why does he have to be such a dick? Why do I like it? Finally DAMN HottieEsq and her Captian Crunch habit she started!

Monday, July 16, 2007


On some level, I am always grateful when Mondays roll around. My liver (and wallet)
need a break from the weekends. I also have several bruises of unknown origin, really nasty looking. I honestly do not know how I got them. Saturday night was fun; Killer Shrimp and Firefly with my new BFFs Knitstah and HottieEsq. Firefly is a bit of a blur for me. I didn't think we drank that much, split two bottles of wine between the three of us over several hours. We closed the joint and the girls parted ways, me following Mr. Katt to a house party. Always trouble when you are out with him. Met some boys. Got home at 6 am. Wasn't too bad as I drank water for the rest of the night, just tired. I am back on the work bandwagon this morning. I have so much to do....there will be no messing around this week to be sure. I am checking off the action items left and right already today. Conference call hell. Ugh. I just want to feel better and get ahead of the curve with my job/apartment/life. I am having another "rat stuck in a wheel" kind of day. I need something that will give my life meaning and purpose. Living solely for yourself sounds like it would be great on paper, but sort of sucks in practice.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

That Guy

Last night Boy Gorgeous had a wild hair so we decided to kick it at the Chimney Sweep. My new BFF HottieEsq showed up with her "special friend" in tow. I have commented to BG on multiple occasions that we kill each other's action more than we realize when we go out. Last night, we ran into the Musician again. He appeared high, is bone thin (think heroin addict), his drawers held up only by a well worn belt cinched tight. He and I talked for a bit and he told me he has been hitting on me every time he has seen me there but I am always with "THAT guy." As attractive as the prospect of cuddling up to what I imagine would be the equivalent to spooning with a bag of hangers would be, I more enjoyed his characterization of BG as "THAT guy." We got a good laugh out of that and BG embraced his new title. As "THAT guy" he worked his magic on HottieEsq. When he turns on the charm and sticks his pinkie out, he can be quite irresistible. We drank a lot and HottieEsq was getting a little unsteady on her feet. She got Fatburger into her head, and left with her "special friend" to do whatever drunk grown-ups do together. BG and I closed that bar after what is always a fun and memorable time together. He was very hung over this morning. I got a message that HottieEsq left for me last night, "Thanks to you, I am going to be having mundane sex. Thanks for nothing!" Hopefully we will fare better tonight; going to Firefly with HottieEsq, Knitstah and Mr. Katt. Anything can (and usually does) with that boy around, should be good times.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

you know how your people are.....

It is nine pm and I am still hung over from the first Sip and Stitch at Lucy's 511 in Burbank last night. It was worth it as I have found my kindred spirits in HottieEsq and Knitstah. You know who you are. I am trying the hair of the dog treatment and it is NOT helping. I feel sicker and sicker with every tick of the clock. So last night was quite interesting for me on an intellectual level. I guess racism is alive and well which I find shocking. A four billion pound woman showed up to our knitting group last night and was talking to HottieEsq. Evidently, the quote of the night was, "you know how your people are." HottieEsq was chatting the big piggish woman up and at one point looked at me and stated, "Wow. She is quite the racist." Later, the Racist pulled a large, white, triangular knitted item from her knitting bag and I commented to HottieEsq, "look, she is knitting a hood!" I stopped by the knitting store today and the Racist was there. I really wanted to stay and say something to the effect of, "I cannot believe a woman of your size can muster the energy to knit. Shouldn't you be laying in bed ordering carry out? Eating five whole chickens wrapped in bacon? You know how your people are." I didn't as I was too hung over to be cutting and clever. Next time she is mine. Bank on it. HottieEsq brought a cool boy, Mr. NBC. I have a commitment from Boy Georgeous to show up for the next knitting night. Love knitting, love boys more.

Speaking of boys, San Fran just called and really wants to see me. I know, I know...he is a retarded (now unemployed) asshole but I like him.And I am horny. And he is hung. Plus I would love to see my uncle that owns Image Leather (biggest leather shop in San Francisco and the rest of the world)

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Get in, get off and GET OUT!

My reward for my long and grueling day of work was meeting up with the ever gloomy and doomy Skeptic tonight. I drove over the hill to have dinner with him prior to my class. We walked to a local bbq joint and ordered a feast of embarassment of animal fleshy riches even by this midwestern girl's standards. I have to admit that there is something quite interesting to me about his Eyoresque manner. I find it hot really. We were discussing the class I was starting tonight and when I asked if I looked all co-edy he just said, "nope. You look like a chick that is pushing 40 and taking a class." I know I should have been pissed but I just laughed. To make matters worse, I think he really means these things he says to me. We had a nice dinner and got back to his place with only an hour until my class started. It is always awkward for me around him. I never know what to do. No kiss hello or goodbye, no physical contact until it gets physical. I don't know the rules on how to behave with a fuck buddy. I am a newby. I milled around his apartment while he flossed animal matter out from between his teeth, noticing he has an entire shelf of his book case dedicated to Darwinism. I commented on this. He claims he still does not have his mojo back but wanted to make sure I left a satisfied customer. I think it really upset him when he discovered I slept with someone else. It is bizarre. We haven't had sex for over three months, we are not in a relationship, he seems completely and totally disinterested and then he lays the guilt trip on me. The first time, I bought into this. The second time he started up with this topic I went off on him, "It is not my fault you are the WORST FUCK BUDDY EVER! I was afraid my little bean was going to dry up and fall off and I had to take matters into my own hands! Step it up and put out!" Much to my surprise, this tatic worked and we made the date for tonight. So, in response to his claim that he still was lacking his mojo, I ripped my top open (was wearing this uber cool cowgirl shirt that snaps down the front, perfect for dramatic stripping.) I ripped his pants off and got down to business. I looked at him with an evil grin and told him, "I think I have found your mojo." More clothes went flying and then a mad dash for the bed. Lots of skin, rolling around, kissing. Quite delicious until we went for the condom. FUCKING CONDOMS. (Many of you may remember where the last condom we used ended up as you were on the receiving end of my frantic phone calls looking for extraction techniques from my deep cavernous hole.) The moment and the mojo was lost due to some ill-fitting condoms purchased off of the internet. DAMMIT! Time was ticking away and fortunately for me, he did his duty for God and (forgive me for this TERRIBLE pun) Cunty. I punctuated the romp with a whole-hearted, "Oh God!!" to which he replied, "There is no God. That is why I have the whole shelf on Darwinism." So on that note, I did what I always do with him, jump up, kiss him on the forehead, get dressed and collect my wares so I can bounce. At the door he apologized and reiterated that he has lost his mojo. I told him it was just a matter of having more time and I would be happy to come back over the weekend to complete my task. Then he got weird. Something to the effect that I want more (duh!) Contextually, I took this as I was pushing him for more relationship interaction and I told him, "Hey, I have never expected more than sex from you. This is what it is and I don't want more." At that moment, mercifully, my phone rang and I picked it up. I gave him a quick peck on the forehead and started talking on the phone and walked away. I am pretty sure I heard him say, "I'll call you!" What is it with the push me pull you thing that gets us going?? Why is this hot? How are you supposed to behave with a fuck buddy? I cannot imagine being cooler than me in this situation. I enjoy the moment for what it is and go about my business. Now, I am sitting in the ultimatte bachlorette outfit; camo sweat shorts, berkenstocks and a leopard tank top. Why would I want a guy around that would fuck up this look? Get in, get off and GET OUT! I think that is the fuck buddy etiquette lesson du jour.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

How Kat Gets her Point of View Back

The thing about being sick is not having anything to talk about. I have been BORED out of my skull over the last couple of weeks. I have said it before and I will say it again, you never feel as single as you do when you are sick. To top it off, it has been so fucking hot here in the valley. It was 96 INSIDE my apartment last weekend with the air conditioner going. I have been reduced to living in the living room as my bedroom is even hotter than the surface of the sun. I have not seen the interior of that room for three weeks. I open the door and throw my clean/dirty laundry in there. Add a fever on top and that is some good times my friends. I am trying to get back to my life....still have a cough and sore throat and no energy, it is tough. Last Wednesday, I had some of the Posse over for the 4th which was fun. Boobalicious came first which was awesome...we got to talk for awhile alone, and she put on a bathing suit (wowsa!! I am not jealous, really...) Sexual Chocolate showed up in his "black by popular demand" t-shirt. Boy Gorgeous rolled in over two hours late, personal bottle of wine in hand. We bbqed and drank and some of my neighbors joined us. All in all, it was a very nice day. As the sun set, I noticed a certain sizzle occurring between BG and my neighbor. BG was prancing around like a drunk peacock (emphasis on cock) and surprised us both with making a muscle, "here is the thunder" and then ripping open his shirt, "and here is the lightening!!!" Upon closer inspection I could see he had shaved a lightening bolt out of his chest hair. God I love him. I slipped away and let whatever was going to happen happen. I spoke to BG the next morning, and he was calling my neighbor the wrong name. I think it is true love.

Friday we went to the track which was a blast. I was the designated driver which limited my ability to take part in the dollar beers. A crime really. We ran into my old boss who was there for a party and I met a boy. The Metro called him a douchbag (I think every other word out of his mouth was douchebag all night). BG thought he was pretty cool because he played a mean game of flip cup (which outweighed the fact he quoted Old School like three times in the course of the convo.) I did not give Hermosa my phone no but told him he could get it from my boss. We will see just how badly he wants to go out with me. Ended up in very cramped, hot and crowded bars in Santa Monica. The Metro was getting lippy and I was afraid we were going to end up in a fist fight. I drank three Red Bulls which came back to haunt me at 3:30 am when I was trying to sleep. Live and learn, this designated driver bullshit is a first for me.

Tomorrow is going to be a hella day of work but my reward will be having dinner with Skeptic (my fuck buddy that won't fuck me, there are more details here which I will save for another time) and then I start my creative writing class at UCLA. I am scared being a co-ed again!! Do I bust out my plaid skirt? Tie up my shirt? Where do I get those pink fuzzy pony tail holders that Britney had?

Monday, July 02, 2007

I need a July guy boys! XOXOXO Betty