Devil's Playground

Last week had to be the worst week I have ever had professionally. Monday night, I was having mad panic attacks and the Xanax just wasn't touching them. At some point, I decided full on sedation was the only thing I could do and I took an Ambian and was out by ten. 12:30 comes around and Poly guy called me (I have no recollection of this.) Evidently, I said something he didn't like and he dumped me. Tuesday morning I wake up and think, wow...what a bad dream. I thought I had dreamed being dumped until about three hours into my day when I noticed the completed call in my phone log. D'oh! For the best in that I don't think I can handle a Big Love sort of lifestyle. I was surprisingly miserable over it and my work week continued to suck heavy metal ass. Even my iPod conspired to make me miserable. Every romantic and emo song seemed to come up in the shuffle. I looked at it and cried, "et tu iPod?!?!?" Friday night, I went to Freakishly Tall Guy's house where he made me an amazing dinner followed by a steady stream of Sex Crack. Upon arrival home at 2AM PolyGuy was iming me. He wants me back. Sure, why not. I never see him so it isn't like it impacts my life in any significant fashion. He left to visit his parents for a week and we will see if he steps up his game when he gets back. Yesterday, he asked me to do something that would permanently alter my body.....FOREVER. He balked when I replied with a HELLZ NO! Stating I was only willing to submit to him on my terms....he didn't like it when I told him that I really needed him to have a little skin in the game and reminded him he dumped me last week. Not inspiring much security or confidence in our "relationship" or whatever you call this..... in the meantime, I have a date tonight with PopStar. I am sick of sitting around with my thumb up my ass not getting any (sex, companionship, consideration, time.) I will have to remind PolyGuy what they say about idle hands.......

Coming down from the buzz is a bitch

It occurs to me that when you reach a certain age, dating is much different than it was when you were younger. Youth allows you a certain wanton recklessness with your time and who your are dating is a function of how much fun they are. This is how I spent my 20s and 30s. I never really "picked" who I was with. I found myself falling from one serious relationship to the next, leaving when my needs stopped being met or something new and shiny caught my attention. As long as you didn't catch something like a disease or a baby, it is all fun and games and nothing went on your permanent record.

Now, I am 40 something.

It is an entirely different landscape. Los Angeles exacerbates the symptoms, like dropping dating acid. It is surreal, unpredictable and the minute you start to trip balls you want it to end. I was with Freakishly Tall Guy last night. I haven't seen him for a week and when I complained you may remember he told me to "get some filler booty." He did call me Saturday night for a booty call at 12:30....I told him I was with "filler booty" and couldn't come over. It is amazing what Sherlock Holmes (me) notices when I come into his apartment. There is a new decorative refrigerator magnet...an empty bottle of Pinot Grigio (FTG would die of thirst before he ever drank that.) When I went in the bathroom there was a wrapper for "Pleasure Wipes" in strawberry flavor in the garbage can. Yea, we had fun. Yea, the sex was great. Somehow that isn't enough. I am coming down from my high and want it to end.

I am worried about what will go on my permanent record now. Call me old fashioned, but I would prefer to keep my cookie neat and clean by showering and not have to use "Pleasure Wipes." I want sex to smell and taste like sex...not the available flavors of vanilla, mango or strawberry (or in my mind, scented candles, tropical fruit drink or straberry shortcake.) Someone that wants (or more scary, NEEDS) their cookie to taste like a strawberry shortcake is likely someone I don't want to be one degree of separation from.

This isn't going anywhere. According to Doc, he does like me but for whatever reason, I am not going to be someone he commits to. It would be much easier if I could find some dating weed to take the edge off of coming down.

Giving myself the yellow card

I'm back in the whorey saddle after my unfortunate experience with Minty Tingles. I am officially addicted to Sex Crack...aka Freakishly Tall Guy. Last weekend was an insane blurr of drunken activities with the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse and filthy sex. Saturday I had a 3some with Freakisly Tall Guy and the Sadist. What an intense experience. Hard to know where to focus, there was so much going on. During the process, I did stop to think how grateful I was that I had gone back to the gym so I could keep up! Freakishly Tall Guy was incredibly attentive and protective of me. It is weird to feel so cared for in such a filthy scenario. It is also odd to feel so proud of my "accomplishment" after being complimented for my performance. Saturday nights activities were follow by a naked pool party on Sunday. Never in my life did I imagine I would be trotting around naked, watching people do filthy sex acts while eating a cheeseburger. It is surreal. Boundaries crossed, skin bruised, taboos broken.....if life is a buffet as Auntie Mame claims, I certainly am not starving to death. I am more worried about gout.

The challenge will be not to get attached to him. During these intense situations one does make connections. I am like a dude in that I can separate sex and emotion but this is different. He has made it clear he has no interest in having more of a relationship and will not stop seeing other girls. He had a little freak out on me this week sensing I was developing feelings. We went out with my best lesbians last night and had a wonderful time. I need to step back and reaccess my situation. I am going to get hurt, badly.

Bondage Bonsai!

I am much more lucid today than last night. I met so many amazing people and had such a nice night. As I am rolling endless ears of corn in tin foil for the BBQ I am going to I can't help but think about how much I would like to be experiencing this weekend with someone special. I can be pretty cold and tough, but this BBFF not calling me thing has had me borderline weepy all week. He is a great guy, juxtaposed with Freakishly Tall Guy that wants to do some very filthy sexual activities with me. I am kinky for sure, but what he is suggesting pushes my boundaries. Sex parties, fetish clubs and threesomes! Oh my! What a lucky girl I am. I have some pretty purient sexual desires as is. What if I try these things and start to really really like them? I don't need to try crack to know I will likely enjoy it very much and become addicted. Why am I contemplating elevating Freakishly Tall Guy from Sex Candy to Sex Crack? It has proven impossible for me to find someone I want to be with. Imagine if I add, "turning me into Shibari Barbie" to the list of "must haves." I will be totally fucked! I have a week to decide. I need to leave and enjoy a weiner of an entirely different kind with the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Hope all of you are having as nice a holiday weekend as mine is shaping up to be.