Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Deeep thoughts...............

Ruthless: Ever see women keep their clothes on once porn music is playing? Oh hell no...Larry the plumber stops by for a clogged music plays. WHAMMO...clothes gone, and Larry got lucky.

Ruthless: Oh what's that? You are at work...its a long day. Tiffany stops by to give you a quick backrub and in poor dialogue, tells you how you are an asset to her as an employee...BAM. porn music starts, and suddenly..she's nekkid on her desk and you are earning a promotion.

Ruthless: I am telling you. I need to start a band that plays nothing but porn music. We'd be bigger than the Beatles!..

This is an IM convo with my buddy Ruthless. He has a bumper sticker on his car that says, "Porn. It's cheaper than dating." The icing on the cake is he usually is wearing a cap that says, "Porn Star" on the front. I really want to know how men accomplish anything. Clearly, this is an idea to which he has dedicated much gray matter. I am sure I have lost most of the male readers at this point as they are fixated on the Tiffany/backrub/promotion thing. On the positive side, we haven't seen each other in a while and here is his response to my recent picture I sent him;
Ruthless: that's you? holy keep getting hotter and hotter and younger and younger looking. i hope the devil got as good a deal; "ok devil, i get..eternal see my tits anytime you want!"
Awwww! Couldn't think of a more flattering comment. I love you men. You cannot fake that simplistic honesty. I suppose this is telling of how desperate I am....this was the highlight of my day. Ok Filthy and Gorgeous posse, I am going to struggle to stay awake until my shuttle comes in two hours and fourty minutes. Hopefully I will sleep my way to Chicago. By the way, if anyone hears from Boy Gorgeous please let me know. He is MIA and I am becoming quite worried. Love you, Kat

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Unhappy camper

Has anyone but me noticed that life is exhausting? This week has been chock full of stories about cheating spouses, out of wedlock babies, betrayal, dishonesty, heart breaks for my friends embroiled in these horrible situations. I genuinely wonder why I am striving for something that generally ends so badly. Top it off with the regular stuff that sucks up your time; laundry, paying bills, working, cleaning......I do not know how I get it all done. I don't actually, just work whatever fire presents itself next. Couple all of this with the rest of the regular disappointments that life presents...why do we even get out of bed?? I am tired. I cannot write. I have no point of view. What the fuck am I going to write about in my comedy writing class??? I am depressed. I begin my class tonight and have a lack of material. Insecurity makes me wonder why I even thought I could write comedic pieces. Who do I think I am, fucking Kathy Griffin? I am also trying to get the hell out of Dodge....packing and cleaning. I cannot believe that my only time off this year will be spent having my cervix biopsied, my roots canaled, my teeth filled with bits of ceramic.....frankly this sucks. Being single does not go well with vacations. I am not the kind of girl that could jet off to Hawaii by myself and have a good time. I would be angerly eyeing the happy couples in love or lust or (at the bare minimum) together. I also, stupidly, booked some really retarded times for my flights; my shuttle comes tomorrow at 3am. I come home just in time to miss my class next week. Doh! I hope that I can manage an attitude adjustment over the next week. I am not a very happy camper right now.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

The Gambling Douche

I am not sure where I should begin regarding my date last night. What a shizaster, I was digging my nails into my legs trying to maintain my cool. First, he pulls up in a 1970's Lincoln Town Car. He is not a car collector, this is his ride. I looked inside and the back seat is littered with empty bottles, including a bottle of Listerine (WTF?). There is a ton of trash in the back seat but what was most notable was there was both a flood light and flashlight in the front seat. In my mind, he was planning ahead for later that evening when he would be driving around the forest preserve looking for a place to dump my body. Those lights would come in handy to be sure. We went to Timmy Nolan's in Toluca Lake, kind of a dump and the food sucked. As he pulled out my chair, got me a beer, handed me a menu I replied, "Thank you." each time to which he replied, "No, thank YOU. It is my honor, my pleasure and my privilege." After about the tenth time he said that I told him he really needed to stop. REALLY needed to stop that. We were seated in front of a large t.v. which was playing the Yankees vs Red Sox game. He had a vested interest in the outcome as he had $250 bucks riding on it. He frequently referred to his "bookie" and when he won on the baseball game he breathed a sigh of relief and said that he would have his bookie apply the winnings from this bet to another debt he had incurred. At one point, he chose to go into great detail on how you bet on football games.....I started to loose my shit at this point and snapped back, "I don't care. I told you I don't watch sports and don't gamble. I REALLY don't care!" He mentioned that he lived up the street in the same house that he grew up in and I started thinking that he still lived with his parents and the hoopdie that he was driving was likely his mother's car. LOSER! He asked me to help him dress, told me he would take me shopping and mentioned his mother had just died two months prior (BTW, this is when serial murders start the killing, when mommy is gone....) All of this in the span of one hour and I had had my fill. I told him that I wasn't feeling this and I needed to go. He offered to drive me home which I declined as I didn't wanna become land fill. I walked down to Lucy's 51 and got drunk, kissed a bouncer, talked to my fuck buddy that won't fuck me for an hour on the cellie then went to sit down by the door as I was waiting for my taxi and missed the chair. Yeah. Can't go back there for a while. EHarmony sucks. I am thinking that I may just quit that for good.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Here we go again.....

Sigh. I have a date tonight and I just cannot get amped up about it. It seems like a lot of effort to go through to find out this guy is just another douche. Eharmony guy, seems cool over the phone yesterday. Made no innappropriate sexual comments or declared his love in an unnaturally quick way. He is 6'3. He plays the guitar. I am cautiously optimistic but still dreading all of the fluffing, hiking, plucking, drying, primping etc. that I am going to have to do. It would honestly be some sort of fucking miracle if I could find something clean to wear. I would bitch if I were hung with a new rope huh?

Monday, September 10, 2007

fucking Eharmony

Ok, so it begins. Everybody is closing me out. WTF????? Thanks to HottieEsq! I am feeling uber hot now.

Britney Made My Day

Yes, the Britney obsession continues. She did not disappoint me at the VMAs last night as she was a fucking mess. Not only does Perez Hilton have a close-up of her hand which shows she is missing finger nails, she once again gave the paparazzi another cookie shot on her way back from the shitastic performance. Only thing that would have improved her performance for me is if here weave fell out or her dancers were dressed like Cheetos. Good times! I find this absolutely delicious.
Had a train wreck of a Saturday night myself with HottieEsq and Knitstah Closed down Mexicali. I met someone who is almost old enough to be my father. He is a partner in a decent law firm in LA according to HottieEsq, probably pulling a mil a year. He is not bad looking, Norwegian (the chosen people) and seemed to have a good personality. Can I be arm candy? HottieEsq is urging me to go out with him and get some SWAG. I have long said that I missed out in my youth and should have scored a sugar daddy when I had a chance. Seems that I have that chance now, and I just don't think I can do it. I have flashes of Samantha from Sex in the City making a mad dash to the door when she saw the billionaire's old man ass. I can see myself doing that. How badly do I not want to work? Can you do it with someone that is as old as your parents? I cannot imagine introducing this guy to my friends and family. I have been very grossed out when people have mistaken me as my dad's girlfriend when we have been together. I am not sure I could handle the knowing looks from other people. Would be nice to have that Mercedes convertible I have always wanted. I ain't saying I'm a gold digger......What do y'all think?

Saturday, September 08, 2007

I love this. Where were my friends when I dumped ManTits?

It's Kat Bitch......

I am back from my blogging hiatus. Been working too much and haven't been able to get a date to save my life. I have also developed an obsession with the train wreck that is Britney Spears. Where the fuck are her pants? WHY DOES SHE NOT WEAR PANTS?!! I am thinking there may be a problem with my blog material as all I have to talk about is work and Britney. Not very interesting to most. At the insistence of HotteEsq, I have renewed my EHarmony membership. Day two and it is already beginning. Tell my if this is borderline creepy;
How would you spend a romantic evening with someone you have been dating for more than one year?:
I got the impression from you profile that you like to cook, so maybe we could spend time together preparing dinner...have a candle lit dinner, followed by a nice hot bubble bath together, perhaps a sensual massage...and see where things went from there. :-)
WTF? This grosses me out....sensual massage? Bubble bath together??? Letting me cook dinner? Um, try flowers, the Polo Lounge, some Tiffany's and THEN maybe you will get a blow job. Seriously, sensual massage?? Icky. Really grosses me out. Are guys into this kind of cheese, or is he just telling me what he thinks I want to hear? Granted, we have met on the Internet but I would be more interested if he said something along the lines of......
I would crack open a bottle of wine, crank some Zeppelin and fuck the shit out of you while I spank your ass and call you bitch.
At least THAT would show he has a pair. And good musical taste. I cannot date any man that I am more masculine than. Close match.