Friday, May 25, 2007

Yet another winner from Eharmony

Thought the Posse might get a kick of seeing the kind of guys I am being matched with on Eharmony. I think a picture says a thousand words.

Mantits Sighting

Mantits must have missed the memo that El Torito at the Galleria is Mr. F's "place." I walked into the restaurant looking around for the Filthy and Gorgeous posse and there he sat, in all his mooby (man booby) glory with two very young girls. I called Boy Gorgeous and he suggested we go to the Cheese Cake Factory instead as Mantits has told many people that BG and Mr. Fantastic were the reason we broke up. (I guess it is much easier to blame them than face the fact you are a cheap, pot smoking, misogynist, jealous, lying, self-destructive, verbally abusive, erectiley dysfunctional pig with loser friends.) It is weird because it did bother me to see him drinking and having fun with these girls. I suppose I have been a bit melancholy because I dumped him exactly a year ago this week and he has been on my mind. I would never want to get back with him but I want him to live a miserable and solitary life and die alone. I know that is petty and small of me but I don't care. He fucked up what could have been an amazing relationship and he does not deserve happiness. Period. BG and Mr. F and I remembered last Memorial Day weekend. We made it a three day long bender where we swam in my pool, BBQed and left my apartment complex ONLY to go to the market and buy more alcohol. Good times. Mantits got pissed at me because I was being the host on the first day and brought my boys beers down by the pool and made food for them. He accused me and BG of locking ourselves in the bathroom alone at one point (never happened, another one of his weird jealous fantasies which he believes to this day) and he stormed off. We partied on for another couple of days culminating in me going off in a tangent about Mantits and his tiny penis and lack of prowess in the bedroom (which was harsh even by Filthy and Gorgeous standards.) BG recounted this story and made me promise if I ever saw his penis I would not get mad at him and attack his manliness. I gently reminded him that everyone at the table has ALREADY seen his package and it is likely on UTube (this is the infamous 5'4 315 video taken on a very drunken Sunday at Buzzbys in Santa Monica.) He looked panicked for a second until he realized I was just joking about it being posted on UTube. At the end of the day, I would rather be alone and happy than with Mantits and absolutely miserable. He is one messed up puppy and will bring his problems into any relationship he engages in. The sad thing is that he hides these problems very well for a long time (almost a year with me.) By that point, I was in love with who I THOUGHT he was (the Representative.) When the true Mantits showed himself, it was very hard for me to extricate myself. It had to get VERY BAD before I could finally walk away. I suppose I am still in love with the Mantits Representative which is why it hurt me to see him last night.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Bar Star!

Over hump day, Praise Jesus! Tuesday was another day trip to Vegas and yesterday, drove over 400 miles between 6:30 when I left and 7:30 pm when I got home. I am genuinely dog tired. I will overcome the fatigue because I have earned my Thursday night happy hour! Boy Gorgeous, Mr. Fantastic and Sexual Chocolate are all going to help ease in the holiday weekend with me tonight at Mr. F's "place" El Torito at the Galleria. (place is in quotes because BF and I give Mr. F loads of shit for having a chain restaurant as your "place". My place is Firefly or Stanleys.....we could even rock the Pineapple Hill or Chimmney sweep. Not like I am saying, hey let's go to my "place," you know McDonalds on the blvd.) I love my boys and don't get to spend as much time with them as we once did. Sigh, stupid jobs get in the way.

Moment of note this week, my friend Dragon Lady sent me this text;

I had a check up 2 day. I tested positive 4 sexy! I'm allergic 2 haters. My blood type is baller. And dats y I'm hot!

*LOVE* her! I have to say, I love black women. I wish I had the confidence and sass that most of the black women I have known have. Dragon Lady certainly fits my "racial profiling" of black women. Strong, beautiful, independent, confident.......what a cool chick! Snaps to my sis that I know lurks around the Dating Misanthrope hallways. Love you girl!

Other moment of the week, my boss missed his train out of Santa Barbara yesterday so we went wine tasting in Backwards country. I bought two matching t-shirts that say; "Be Happy! Drink Pinot Noir" and have a giant happy face on the front with a red pinot mustache. I will be sending the larger one to my dad for Father's Day but the REAL gift will be when I go visit him next and go wine tasting in the foothills. We will be ROCKING our matching Daddy/Daughter shirts which should be quite embarrassing for him. There will be much humiliation and many many incriminating pictures. I cannot wait!

I am off to trot the hounds and make myself presentable for the handsome sect of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse. Time to transform from the Dating Misanthrope to the Bar Star!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Pushing up daisies

It is Monday in what is going to prove to be yet another brutal work week. Although I pretty much worked on making a deeper ass depression on my sofa this weekend, I am still exhausted today. I finished knitting a sweater that has been the bane of my existence so there is a sort of sense of accomplishment about that, however, I did not get out there and meet anyone. San Fran did not call me once this weekend, which is unusual. As I mentioned, I had a sense that my pretend boyfriend was going to be somebody else's real boyfriend. I am strangely sad about this. To top it off, I have been really really dizzy. I have been feeling like I did when I had vertigo....I stand up or bend over and the room starts to spin. Of course, me being the alarmist, I am convinced that I am having an aneurysm because I am over 35 and taking the pill and insist of continuing smoking. This brings me back to my biggest fear about living alone; if I were to die, how long would it take somebody to find me? As my closest friends know, I have devoted a lot of time and energy to this topic. I lay awake at night turning all of the possible scenarios in my head. In all possible outcomes, one week is the longest I would go. Being in field sales, I am really not expected to be anywhere at any time. Monday through Friday there is no accountability for my time. I figure, the only time I have to be somewhere is on our Monday conference call. So, let's assume the very worst case......this morning I get on my con call and then immediately keel over afterward. Who would miss me? My friends might wonder why I have been so difficult to reach. My boss might be pissed that I am not picking up my phone or answering his emails. My neighbors may wonder about the odd smell coming from my apartment. My parents wouldn't miss me as we do not have any set schedule for talking. The red flags wouldn't start to hit until next Monday when I did not get on my con call. Would my dogs start to eat me? This is my greatest fear (along with being pushed onto the 3rd rail of the El in Chicago,) which my friends think is bordering on insanity. Several years ago, I saw a news story about a skeleton that was found in England. It was seated in a Lazy Boy in front of a television clasping the remote control. The TV was on and there was a Christmas tree with lights lit. Authorities determined that the man had been dead for over ten years, TEN YEARS! They determined the approximate date of death as the skeleton had a TV guide open in his lap which told the date. The only way he was found is his government check, which was direct deposited, finally missed a date so his rent check, which was direct withdrawal, hit and bounced. This story feeds a dark place which does not need much encouragement. I rubbed the noses of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse in this story (who said I was crazy and morbid)....look, this REALLY happened! This is a valid fear for those of us that are single and live alone.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Vegas Baby!

In Vegas for meetings. Not as much of a boondoggle as I had anticipated. I am actually WORKING. Ugh. Long days and I now have a brief break in the action. Going out with Sissy and Tex tonight for dinner. This is our annual girl's night out. We do a nice dinner, trying Emeril's place at the MGM this year followed by lots of gambling and drinking. (Fast forward to later, picture Sharon Stone in casino where she is throwing chips around.) We get rowdy and have a mighty fine time. It has been fun seeing people's reaction to my hair. I wish I had a picture of my boss when he saw me for the first time yesterday. My old boss must have a thing for red heads.....he was quite attentive to me last night. Sissy and Tex didn't have much to say....if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all? Actually, Tex just looked at me and laughed stating, "we are going to have fun tonight. You are just too much!" The Country Music Awards are at the MGM tonight. I am not sure I would recognize a country artist if I tripped over one. On the positive side, I am looking quite trailer trashy so I may attract a country and western star. Isn't bright red hair indicative of good ol' fashioned back woods in the Ozarks inbreeding a la Sissy Spacek? Tonight is my last hurrah for a while. I intend on keeping my word and jumping on the self-improvement bandwagon when I get home tomorrow. OK, I am off to primp and fluff and hike and stuff myself before I venture out onto the Strip. Wish me luck landing a cowboy tonight! HeeeeeYawwwwwwww!!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Pretend Boyfriend

Sunday, midnight. I cannot believe the weekend is over and my week starts anew tomorrow. Vegas baby..........San Fran is staying at the nicest hotel I have ever been to, the Hotel Bel Air. Evidently, it is the no. 1 hotel in the country and holds lots of titles. The heavyweight champion in hotels. We walked in, and it was swank as swank can get. Peonies, forsythia, delphinium and cymbidian orchid bouquet in the lobby. HUGE arrangements. Bubbling fountains and statuary in the prolifically blooming gardens which smelled of jasmine and gardenia. There were swans everywhere. Susan Lucci was eating dinner in the restaurant as we walked by. Fois gras stuffed squash blossoms and filet with morels on the room service menu. I felt like trailer trash walking in in my flip flops and my bright red hair up in a clip. Now I know what it is like being Britney. Five people were tripping over themselves to carry his bags, take my car, turn on the TV...unbelievable. Fresh flowers in the room, complimentary tea service. I cannot believe this retarded alcoholic gets to live like this. As I surveyed the room tonight, I was thinking how lucky I am to experience this. People can live a lifetime and not know this kind of luxury. San Fran did not like my hair....I have to admit after a shower this am it is sort of taking on a bright red Bozo the Clown-esque hue (an unrelated side note, I did meet the REAL Bozo the clown in traffic court one time in Chicago. He was a small unassuming Italian man with a straw hat in hand in court. Quite a nice man.) Most importantly, I scratched the itch that has been bothering me for the last two months. It is nice having a pretend boyfriend. He plays along and does a good acting job. It just is not enough for me. I want more. I want a real boyfriend. San Fran checks out after a while. We didn't say a word to each other for hours today. He gets calls and hits ignore when we are together. I am a realist...he has some action in San Francisco. It is just a matter of time until my pretend boyfriend is somebody else's real boyfriend. I am tired and sore. My hips feel like they are ripping out of my sockets. I have bruising from my knees up. I feel sad, and raw, and poor.....emotionally, financially and spiritually. There has got to be more than this. Has to be. More.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Metaphysics 101

I am so smoking hot as a red head, I want to fuck myself! I love love love my new hair! It is quite a change to go from uber blond to a tarty red head. San Fran is coming in tonight and for him I anticipate it will be like cheating on me, with me! (I know this is going to sound bad especially with me bitching about my dry spell, but San Fran had better NOT mess up my hair!) Brief trip to the Mac counter to get make-up which compliments my new look. It is amazing the change something as silly as hair color makes, not only externally, but internally as well. I feel different. Perhaps I was meant to begin my journey of self-improvement as a fiery red head. I have heard the phrase, "fake it till you make it" in a variety of contexts from sales seminars to metaphysical discussions (even applies to sex!) I can begin creating a new persona by making the simple changes and working up to the more difficult ones. Who cares what precedes change as long as we do it. I have long believed that you are either moving forward or backward, we never are at a standstill. When I am making different (and good) choices I find that good things happen. This is basic metaphysics. Like attracts like and energy is the lightest and most portable currency we have. I intend to use my new look as a spring board to the new me. My journey will begin, in earnest, after I get back from Vegas though. I am only human.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Self-Improvement and me?

Dream as if you will live forever. Live as if you will die today.
- James Dean

My personal belief is that self-improvement is for the other guy. This explains why I still smoke, drink like a frat boy and avoid the gym at all costs. Hey, I am not proud of this deeply rooted belief system, just honest about it. I look around at my old party buddies and I notice I am pretty much the only one left proscribing to this way of life. Sissy is working out like an obsessive freak and making major changes to her body and lifestyle. MILFie is running marathons, MARATHONS!! MBA quit drinking, chewing tobacco, and now works out every day eating only whole and healthy foods (he told me he had a Pepsi yesterday and wanted to put a bullet in his head!) Everybody I know works out at the bare minimum. I have decided today, that self-improvement may in fact, drum roll, be for me as well. This morning, I signed up for a creative writing class at UCLA's Writer's Workshop. There may be more thoughtfully crafted blog entries in your future my Filthy and Gorgeous posse! I called Boy Gorgeous and committed to a regular work out schedule with him. I called my trainer and left a message that I was ready to jump back into his regime of pain. I had cottage cheese for lunch (I just have to look at my ass to remember that you are what you eat. Sigh.) I am ready for change. Buddah said, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I just have to look to my close circle of friends to see this is true. Thank you!

An embarassment of male riches

Oh decisions neighbor's friend, Mr. June Lake, is in town this week. Night before last, there was a pounding at my door, I opened it to see the uber hot JL holding a HUGE wedding picture up....told me it made him think about me. JL is honestly, the funniest person I have ever met. We have spent some time drinking beer with JL the human cartoon character/comedian entertaining us over the years. He dropped the picture and shamelessly grabbed me and while adeptly grabbing my ass, planted one (full on tongue) before I knew what had hit me. JL always finds a need to take off his shirt around me, revealing a smoking hot and cut bod with the coolest tattoos across his broad and muscular shoulders (has the entire "Where the Wild Things Are" book tattooed across his shoulders in black and white. Really cool. ) We had a couple of beers when he began the flattery, he doesn't understand how his friend can live next to such a smoking hot chick and not try to tap that! (Wow. Swoon.) He is only here for a couple of days with a thin wall separating us.....I will not lie when I say I am very tempted to let the rumpus begin with JL. ME-OW! Today, I have a date with Skeptic (albeit a brief one, he has allowed about 2-3 hours for me.) It seems he is coming out of his funk a touch and we will see where this goes, if anywhere. Finally, San Fran will be here Saturday. I am surprised that I am actually excited to see him. It has been two months since I saw him on my birthday. So this is how it goes, famine to a feast of muscular male flesh. Could it be that I am getting my mojo back? Dare I hope?

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Oh No he didn't.........

Oh HELL no! Here is the email I just got from Dolphin Man;

Kat, my sexiest love,

Nice hearing from you yesterday, Kat. Good to hear you are feeling better. I'm looking forward to getting together again after your Vegas trip, perhaps later next week. I want both uf us to be in top health when we meet, though! I want us both to totally & completely enjoy our time, conversations & experience together, OK???

Oh yes, sorry for exposing too much of my chest at dinner! I can't believe I looked like such a slut! I'll wear my starched priest's outfit next time we meet, unless you have another dress style you prefer...just say the word, cutie! And yes, I thoroughly enjoyed your plunging, so naughtily "oopsy" revealing 50's dress! It was very, very entertaining & alluring. You do that very, very well... DAMN NAUGHTY TEASER! By the way, I'm at if for any reason you don't have time to communicate by gracing me over the phone with your soft, sexy voice....Stay well & keep in close, close touch,

Yours, Dolphin Man

Guess the slutty June Cleaver dress works.....a little too well. I will have to make sure to only bust that for a man that I know can handle it. So, this guy goes into the blocked call list. G-r-0-S-S!!!!

Monday, May 07, 2007

Dating for Food

I fucked up. I am brokey broke for the rest of this month. I was overzealous paying off credit card bills this month and I now have, on the 7th of the month, EXACTLY 260 bucks to make it through the end of the month. To further complicate matters, I have a hair appointment next Saturday ($110 bucks), nails ($30 bucks) and have to pay the dog sitter when I go to Vegas for work next week ($90 bucks). My friend Mr. MBA from Chicago said, as if it were obvious, well just cancel your hair appointment. Nuh UH!! I will starve before I do that (I don't know why he thought my response was so fucking funny.) So, I have begun to plot my survival for the remainder of May.....I have some food here which will get me by on lean evenings. I picked up a bad habit from my mother, I have a freezer full of food. It is like "money in the bank" the way I was raised. So, Thursday I have a date with Skeptic. He will buy me dinner. Saturday, San Fran is coming in town and I know I can count on him to pay for EVERYTHING this weekend. Monday through Wednesday, I will be in Vegas for work so I can expense all my meals and lots of cocktails. Or, I can just hang out with my boss (I am his Gilligan, he takes me everywhere as his 'lil buddy) and never touch a check. So, that brings me smack dab into the middle of the month. I can schedule "meetings" for lunch with my work acquaintances...and if I plan it correctly I will go to the places where there are left overs that are edible at the end of a work day. I think I can count on Dolphin Man for a couple of meals. I will still have to spread my web to bring more guys into the mix that will feed me and I will likely incur some additional credit card debt for incidentals. Finally, and lastly, I have friends that I know will buy me a drink or two. So, dating for food/cocktails. I am not proud. Back in the day I have put out for a six pack and a pizza. I guess things just come full circle.

This one is juuuussst right...............

Sometimes I feel like Goldilocks when dating. This one is too passive, this one is too short, this one is.....never "just right". I was optimistic about meeting the EHarmony guy for dinner last night. We seem to have a lot in common. Even our last two cars were the same. He is smart, he is funny, he is successful, wants kids, loves dogs and travels to cool and exotic locations a lot. He is a genuinely nice man with a lot to offer any woman. We met for dinner last night, first face to face meeting. He is shorter than me, which in and of itself wouldn't be a problem but he is a lithe man.....I have a feeling I could snap him in two with my strong Viking woman thighs. He has very small hands. Worst of all, he was wearing a dolphin necklace with mother of pearl on it. Ee. So very New Age and gay.......he is older than I, which is why he is in a place to give me what I need financially......theoretically, I could not work and stay home. I could be a lady that lunches, knits, works out, shops all day. I could not help but compare him to San Fran and Skeptic.....guys my own age with rock hard muscular bodies. When I wrap my arms (and legs) around them, I know I am with a M-A-N. They are also quite good looking. New Age guy is good looking but in a more delicate older guy way. He also seemed confused about things such as the valet. What really took me aback was when he used words like "tummy" and talked about how he accesses his physical, mental and emotional well-being. I mean, it is one thing to be self-actualized but this is a little much for me. (Mr. MBA absolutely agrees with me, he dumped a chick for calling his penis a "wee wee") What is wrong with me? If I were to go out with the New Age guy, I would be with someone that would be kind, capable of offering me everything I want and would LOVE me with all his heart and soul....yet, I am still craving the male machismo of a Skeptic or San Fran. Is there ever a "just right?" Can we have our needs met by only one other person? Why do I not want someone who is very clearly a catch? I think I am destined to constantly be kicking tires looking for the "ONE" that will allow me to rest easy. Wondering who will be sleeping in my bed and eating my porrage next.

Friday, May 04, 2007

Limbo! How low can you go?

I am actually looking forward to this weekend. I have been working my ass house is a disaster and is starting to smell something like a habitrail. I am going to bust out tonight when I get home and make myself a fabulous dinner and sit on the couch and zzzzz......Tomorrow I am going to Santa Monica to Qs with some of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse to watch the oh man, I could eat Oscar up for lunch! He is FIONE!!! So, Sunday night I have a date!! With another Eharmony guy. This one is not a Nigerian Irish internet scammer so he is already way ahead of the last one! He has a local phone number and a regular American accent. He speaks French! Nous parlions en frencais! Who would have ever thought that the bar would be so low for me? Speaks English and is in North America. Pretty sad state of affairs for myself. Every relationship you have impacts you in some way. Sissy asked me if he had been married, had kids etc. I honestly didn't ask him. She seemed shocked and asked me, "don't you want to know if he has baggage?" I told her I just assume he does, he is 48, single and on Eharmony, duh! Of course he does. Of course I do. It is just a matter of finding out what those issues are and if I can deal with them. Have to start mentally ticking off all of the "deal breaker" issues in past relationships that are on my list. Take antidepressants? (which is ok, as long as you actually TAKE them). Do you have a good relationship with your mother? (but not TOO close of a relationship). Are you employed? (but don't work ALL the time). So far, he seems ok but I am sure he will add something to this ever growing list.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Spring has sprung me Boys! XOXOXO Betty