Saturday, August 29, 2009

One door closes....let's see what's behind door no. 2

I'm not sure if me being a bit blue today is a function of being tired and hung over or that our good time last night was ruined, partially by me. Freakishly Tall Guy texting me also bummed me out. I was lead down the primrose path by him and I feel pretty duped. Pretty amazing that a guy like that can get endless tail.

Speaking of endless tail, I should perk up. I have a date with SoonToBeFameousGuy. I have known him for months, neighborhood guy. Pretty cute, tall but a "comedian." My response was, "yeah, so am I." Living in LA I have developed an immediate distaste for those in the "biz" and dismissed him without a second thought. Most actors etc. are narcissistic hacks that are pretty vapid in my experience. On my date a couple of weeks ago, SoonToBeFameousGuy was flirting with me in front of the LaundryMan. He followed me outside to have a cig and said, "I just got the trailer for my show today. I'm pretty excited. Wanna see?" Anticipating a low budget public access type trailer a la Wayne's World I nonchalantly said, "yeah. Sure." He pulled out his iPhone and starts the video for his show, that is debuting next season on Fox called 'The SoonToBeFameousGuy Show.' Color me gobsmacked. He is actually a working actor with his own show coming out. Hello lover......We have been texting for a couple of weeks and just haven't been able to hook up. Tonight's the night!

UPDATE: Fell asleep on the couch. Missed our date. Oopsie.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Liza at the Bowl

It it embarrassing for me to have a Prince Charming. Hollywood Bowl for Liza tonight with my gays. ABC chick and I were taking too loudly for some people's preference. Nobody said a word...until intermission. Gay douche behind me slapped my drink out of my hand. I was soaked as was the poor girl in front of me. They called over the ushers...who got their ugly. Nobody likes a group of nasty queens. I was sopping wet, the dramz was too much so we left. Pretty expensive couple of hours. In the meantime...FTG was inviting me over for a 3some (he has a big pair doesn't he? EW!)....SoonToBeFameous guy wants to hang out and party, Laundry Guy...well just texting. My hero is ABC Chick. Maybe I should look more closely at being a lesbian.


A week of revelations.

In LA, it is hard to believe I could meet people that know Freakishly Tall Guy but I did. He has quite the reputation for being a "doll collector" and I have been his latest conquest. I am freaking out as I am now confident he is not very selective on where he sticks his penis. Every itch I have is scabies, every zit forming is herpes and every stomachache is the clap. I (PROBABLY) didn't catch anything, but the idea is keeping me up at night. In this instance, KnitStar's observation that most men are looking for three quiet wet spots with no sharp edges is spot on. EW.

How is quantity over quality more rewarding? FTG asked me over last night and I just couldn't manage the doe-eyed empty gaze, pursed lips and "momma" when you tipped me over. When I think of his place now, it is a bio hazard zone in my mind. Just couldn't do it. Done. How can other women accept this? He does it because they allow it. What does this say about us as women in LA? Despite being seemingly tough, I recognize that I have a porcelain exterior. I am not going to wait around for that to be broken or chipped. Or to be tossed aside for a shiny new doll. I collected dolls once too, but then I grew up.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Facing My Fears.....Fueled By Beers

One of my friends noted that I seem to put myself in bizarre situations constantly. Last weekend, I finally agreed to go with my new girl crush SurfGirl and learn to surf. I also told Mellow I am going to take the plunge and learn to dive. Tonight, I am having dinner with a couple that does extreme BDSM porn. Saturday, 3some...this time with another girl. In the light of day, it is apparent to me that I am a big chicken and this was alcohol talking. Will I go through with it? Absofuckinglutely! My 3rd grade SpellingPartner (and best friend up until a blow out fight about 7 years ago...) used to be the more adventurous of the two us. She went lesbo for a while, then was part of a Poly relationship, dated tons of different, she is married to a Jewish doctor, two kids and living in the suburbs. She is a housewife. When telling her about my opportunities I was surprised by the verve with which she said, "DO IT!!!! Do it while you still can! We aren't getting any younger and take every opportunity that comes your way!!!" As lonely as my life can be from time to time, at least I can still have experiences that most only fantasize about. While I continue on my quest for Mr. Right, I need to remember what a blessing total freedom can be and not waste it. I should be taking my writing classes, climbing mountains, interacting with all kinds of diverse people. I may be a chicken, but I am a free range one! Some may say DEranged....

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Bad Fad

Never wanting to miss a fad, I was strangely fascinated by the Pleasure Wipes. Am I so old school that I think good hygiene and soap and water is enough to make my deep cavernous hole a tasty treat to men? If you ask me, my shit is tight and is very much like sucking on moonbeams or having an encounter with a mythical unicorn. Then again, what I know about men could fill a thimble and my opinion (sadly) doesn't matter. I was wondering if I was out of touch with pussy protocol, as if I were walking around with a 70s bush baby I polled the posse. In my defense, 100% polled have never heard of a Pleasure Wipe. The women universally wondered how nasty does your shit have to be and what funk are you trying to cover to use them? With one exception, the men all prefer a woman to smell and taste like a woman. The exception, the very kinky Japanese guy I am friends with. He said, "VANILLA!!! I would be there for a day straight!" Of note was how often the men did mention they have had a disgusting encounter downtown where the Pleasure Wipe would have been of use. I am happy to say after my super scientific research that the fad is bad! Also at stake here, my personal well-being. One degree of separation from someone that obviously needs this level of personal cover-up is likely to have some bad ju ju going on. Bad ju ju=stinky spoo spoo. Nuff said.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Coming down from the buzz is a bitch

It occurs to me that when you reach a certain age, dating is much different than it was when you were younger. Youth allows you a certain wanton recklessness with your time and who your are dating is a function of how much fun they are. This is how I spent my 20s and 30s. I never really "picked" who I was with. I found myself falling from one serious relationship to the next, leaving when my needs stopped being met or something new and shiny caught my attention. As long as you didn't catch something like a disease or a baby, it is all fun and games and nothing went on your permanent record.

Now, I am 40 something.

It is an entirely different landscape. Los Angeles exacerbates the symptoms, like dropping dating acid. It is surreal, unpredictable and the minute you start to trip balls you want it to end. I was with Freakishly Tall Guy last night. I haven't seen him for a week and when I complained you may remember he told me to "get some filler booty." He did call me Saturday night for a booty call at 12:30....I told him I was with "filler booty" and couldn't come over. It is amazing what Sherlock Holmes (me) notices when I come into his apartment. There is a new decorative refrigerator empty bottle of Pinot Grigio (FTG would die of thirst before he ever drank that.) When I went in the bathroom there was a wrapper for "Pleasure Wipes" in strawberry flavor in the garbage can. Yea, we had fun. Yea, the sex was great. Somehow that isn't enough. I am coming down from my high and want it to end.

I am worried about what will go on my permanent record now. Call me old fashioned, but I would prefer to keep my cookie neat and clean by showering and not have to use "Pleasure Wipes." I want sex to smell and taste like sex...not the available flavors of vanilla, mango or strawberry (or in my mind, scented candles, tropical fruit drink or straberry shortcake.) Someone that wants (or more scary, NEEDS) their cookie to taste like a strawberry shortcake is likely someone I don't want to be one degree of separation from.

This isn't going anywhere. According to Doc, he does like me but for whatever reason, I am not going to be someone he commits to. It would be much easier if I could find some dating weed to take the edge off of coming down.

Monday, August 10, 2009

nip slip

Sonofabitch. I have gotten pretty spoiled working from my home office. I resented getting showered and dressed on a Monday morning. Usually I rock Mondays out in sweats and tshrit. Basically, jammies. Had to do a training this morning and got all professional: fluffy and shiny. I do my training, and on my way out I notice my left nipple decided to make a run for the border. Did I mention my blouse was a couture Nanette Lapour ridiculously expensive top...and see-thru? So, I showed my tit to twenty of my former co-workers. As I am digesting what occurred, I had the thought...dammit! It cost me a fortune to look this cheap.

Sunday, August 09, 2009

so much for the flow.....

UPDATE: tentative plans with FTG today and I just got this IM;

FTG: hey you - had fun yesterday! poor "happy but unsatisifed whore"! LOL see you soon...

I love the impersonal, hey YOU.....guess we aren't doing anything today. Good for me, going to Venice with AppleBottom anyway.

UPDATE: FTG wanted me to come over at 8. I said no. Tuesday perhaps? Perhaps.......

Chop Wood, Carry Water

Sunday morning and reflecting on my weekend. Friday, had a blast with Freakishly Tall Guy and AppleBottom. First, started over at FTG's house for a little "reunion" if you catch my drift. We hadn't seen each other for a week and a half and had some catching up to do. Interesting going to meet AppleBottom with rope marks on my arms and chest...we also wore the "I've tried Menage a Trois" buttons that AppleBottom gave me as a joke. Don't think she would have given them to me if she thought I would actually wear them. We went to Cafe Cordilaire....ok R&B band and lots of wine. Went to the Chimney Sweep afterward, I was cut off before I even got started there. I got to spend the night at FTG's house. It has been so long since I have slept in someone's arms. I have to say, I really miss it.

Saturday, we slept in, fooled around a couple more times. We went the ABC chick's bday party in Malibu. It was nice to have a +1. The Kittens and The Brads were fun as usual. FTG had to leave early, but I stayed spending a nice relaxing day on the beach with some good company.

I am looking for some odd angle, or a place to insert some acerbic witticism into this story, but I can't find it. It was comfortable being with FTG. I am at center right now. I am not wrestling with any internal turmoil. I am like water and FTG is the rock that I flow over, slowly wearing down. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I am happy to go with the flow for now. I inadvertently smuggled some of Paradise Cove back to the Valley. I am like the Thomas's English Muffin for sand, so many nooks and crannies to hide in! Shower then mourning the weekend. It was a nice one.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Being a minx is a double edged sword.......

Travelled with Current Boss all day today. I think my emo hormonal shit from going back on the kill pill has passed. I had a great day. Until 5PM. There was an industry drinking and fighting event at the Sagebrush today. En route, I had to confess to Current Boss that I had a bit of an awkward situation about to unfold. I had (inadvertantly) found myself dating my Old Boss. Current Boss found this hysterically funny. Over the last 8 years, I have considered Old Boss a friend. Often, we would get together for drinks and go to industry events in groups. Several months ago, the invitations were coming more frequently, and the groups becoming smaller. Finally, we were at a Laker's game when it dawned on me that, holy shit! I am on a date with Old Boss! As I had this epiphany, he reached for my hand. FUCK!!! I handled this in the most mature fashion I could muster, I just stopped taking his calls or answering texts and emails. I know he has been butt hurt, I am hearing it from a lot of people. I had to face the inevitable, and that was tonight. I warned Current Boss that I expected him to be my human shield. I took a deep breath as we approached Sagebrush and motherfucker! Old Boss was blocking the only entrance into the bar. He greeted me with an enthusiastic, "Kaatttt!!! How are you?!?!?!" and then looked me up and down commenting on how much weight I have lost and that I am too skinny...Current Boss crept away. I tore myself away from Old Boss and smacked Current Boss, "way to be a human shield! And thanks for ditching me!!" He said he did body block but I went in front of him instead of in back and, "I had to leave when he started checking you out, got creepy....." Old Boss sort of followed me around.

Adding to the discomfort of the evening, I also ran into Potential Future Boss. He offered me a job back in Jan. Mind you, he has been trying to hire me for five years. I told him I was interested, and never heard from him again. Basically, he doesn't trust himself to control his penis around me which is why he didn't hire me. Good times.

I did hear from Freakishly Tall Guy today. My stomach flipped when he asked to chat with me, I was convinced I was being dumped. He wants to spend Friday and all day Saturday with me! What a nice surprise! I am looking forward to this weekend. It is nice to have some wanted male attention! Meow!

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Beach Party!

Sunday night I lost my shit on Freakishly Tall Guy. He has been invited to a party with me next Saturday thrown by The Kittens and our best gays, The Brads. This is sure to be a top-shelf event as that is how The Kittens and The Brads roll. I have been planning my outfit for this beach party for a month. I got my nails done in a hot pink with white flowers and pink diamonds on my toes to match my hot pink bikini and floral wrap. I bought the bday girl a $70 bottle of Woodford Reserve whiskey and ordered a lei. I still am on a quest for the perfect card. The "official" beach party goes from 2-5 but we were told to plan on partying way into the evening. So, when FTG told me he had to leave to help a "friend" at 7.....frankly I was pissed. I am allowing him to be my "plus one" to this event, and some other bitch will be getting laid Saturday night. Mind you, this convo did happen at 10PM Sunday, I was exhausted, just started back on the kill pill and have been emo for several days and the full moon cometh. So, I apologized to FTG yesterday and he was ice cold. I asked if we were still on for Wednesday and he non-commitally said, "We had plans Wednesday. er, ok if we had plans I guess so......" No surprise I get the text yesterday afternoon bowing out as he has to go "work." I am beyond caring so I just gave him some, "go get 'em tigers! Land that account! No worries....." Normally, if we had to change plans he would give me an alternate time..but nope. So, in true metaphysics 101 fashion....just as I was taking his news with equanimity...I get an email from a guy I have been talking to on Hot hot hot piece of ass and seems funny and smart from our emails. He wants to meet and the only day he can do cocktails is Wednesday! One door closes, another one opens. Ultimately, I fucked up with FTG. Sissy thinks he will bail on the Kitten party yet. As Annie Hall would say, "la ti dah, la ti dah!"

Monday, August 03, 2009

Deep Thoughts and Tough Love

In my conversation today with Latin Lover, he gives me some sage advice regarding men;

Latin Lover: men have no commitment to anything, men are like animals, the second they find something new to sniff or something they are interested in, they're gonna do it unless they fear consequences. men in power, will do whatever they want, and all you do is let men have power

spankie: hm

Latin Lover: regardless of how cool or not you are, he doesn't appreciate what he doesn't have because, well he's a spoiled rotten guy. you can let him have sexual power, but you've given him sexual power and power in the relationship, friendship or sexual relationship or emotional relationship. he will treat you as he wishes

spankie: me something to chew on

Latin Lover: yeah and we both know you like putting things in your mouth

Have a Fierce August Boyz!

I'll make you sweat....
Love Betty OXOXO


It is Monday and I am exhausted today. I was thinking last night that I really wanted to go to sleep, but if I did it would be Monday. My job is becoming the Freddie Kruger of my Sunday nights, don't go to bed...just DON'T GO TO SLEEP! I have been working to keep my pipeline full. I have been dating like a fool. I went out with the Handicapped guy. He is incredibly good looking, funny, smart...but ultimately I am too shallow to date someone with an extreme handicap. BBFF is back in the picture. I knew he would come back eventually. He is Sex Meat and Potatoes, the smart choice on a variety of levels. Freakishly Tall Guy has been throwing some mad mixed messages. He gets very boyfriendy....yet I haven't rated a weekend date for three weeks now. He has "friends" and "they" are staying over, or he is staying with a "friend" in Santa Monica and "they" are going to take him to the airport, or this next Saturday we have plans which he will have to leave to help his "friend" set up for a wedding at 7pm and "they" asked him for help months ago. I get that I am just a pleasurable toy for him, I just don't like to have my nosed rubbed in it. There are two things I do not suffer well in this world; fools and liars. He is treating me like a fool and he is lying. As Hunter S. Thompson said, "In a world of thieves, the final sin is stupidity." I would like to make sure I do not fall into that category. I have other tunas on the hook, I will write more at those stories unfold. My new inspiration for coquettish fuckery is Anne Boleyn and I find myself trying to quash my gut reaction and ask myself, WWABD? I am cultivating my inner minx and it is working......let's hope I don't lose my head!