I put the grrr in swingerrrrr.....

I have been invited to a swingers party by Freakishly Tall Guy! I struggled for the words...what where they...something like FUCK NO. When discussing this with Doc, he aptly mused that I don't strike him as a girl that would be happy being passed around more than a doobie at a Dead show. He further commented that this guy was moving FAST. I agreed, right? I mean at this rate in a month what would be left, snuff? MILFie did say, "hey, he is a porn producer and it is a fast life. All that shit happens in 90 mins-or less typically. That is the fact Jack." oh yes and, "interesting...on the twisted, denied-for-too-long sort of level." I went to happy hour with SexualChocolate tonight and the bartender overheard some of our conversation. She is a comedian/bartender and I asked her, "would you go to a swingers party just to get material for your comedy?" She said she basically masturbates for material and hell yes, she would and has put herself in bizarre situations for her show. I made her laugh and told SexualChocolate that I thought I want to be a comedian now...he told me I didn't have what it takes. Ouch. What is most shocking is the response from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Most of you are like, do it do it do it do it. The Thunderdome of perversion. I cannot tell if the Posse is just cheering me on, or looking for cheap entertainment. You know, it doesn't get much cheaper than this.

My favorite color is bruise

Freakishly Tall Guy is adorable, charming, smart, funny, wine conneseur. Oh yeah, he is also a porn producer.

What goes down...well mostly stays there.

I had a date last night with Freakishly Tall Guy from the Dirty Filthy Web site. We met at Starbucks and spent an hour and a half getting to know one another. We are both sci-fi geeks, he can't have dairy (some weird blood allergy,) both not from here and seemingly equally attracted to one another. It was the best date I have been on in four years. I got in my car, and promptly started to cry. What massive train wreck is coming my way? He texted me to tell me he had a really good time and wanted to go out tonight. Consider it done.
Today at work I was sustained by a steady diet of the never-ending shit sandwich. I was talked down to, yelled at, cursed out and was basically just a punching bag for multiple people. I just had to take it as I was helpless to change the situations and the only thing I could do was let people vent. As I am trying to talk an irate (multimillion dollar) customer down, I get an IM from Freakishly Tall Guy.
FTG: listen, before getting together this evening, I wanted to let you know that I am not prepared at this time to go "exclusive"-I have a few others that I see and enjoy my experience with them and am not willing to cut it off. I am open and honest about everything but would like to maintain my current lifestyle....agreed?
What the fuck do you say to that? It wasn't like I was dancing around singing Beyonce's Single Ladies to him....I was taken aback. A few?? Ultimately, I decided that I am short one fuck buddy these days so what the hell....Most guys do it, at least he is being up front about it. I changed my FB status to:
Kat is going to put her hand in the flame despite knowing she is going to get it burned (again.)
Video Lman: Pour some lighter fluid on it. Mostly for maximum effect.
RonDiggety: The Lady GaGa-sour milk analogy is apt for quite a few things. You know it's going to be bad, but you want to smell it anyway.
Work Friend: What's the young suiter's name??
Kat: I mean that literally Work Friend. Cutting is for pussies.
So, I am about to have the last few bites of my shit sandwich and then sign my name on Freakishly Tall Guy's waiting list. I will let you know how it goes.

Mercy Married Man

Oy vey. Some guys are persist, I will give them that. This is definitely the case with the Investor Douchebag. I met him on the Dirty Filthy Web Site and started talking to him several months ago. At first, he seemed normal and cool (don't they all.) Over time, I noticed a pattern. He would only chat or call me during business hours, never on the weekend. When I would call him after hours I got a variety of excuses as to why he didn't answer; left his phone at the gym, didn't hear it ring, left it in the car etc. It doesn't take Einstein to figure out what is going on there. Married much? He was intent on proving to me that this was not the case. He wrote me incredibly long emails claiming his undying love and letting me know that I am his dream girl he has been looking for his whole life. He texted incessantly. He planned on visiting me, the date to be determined at a later date. Lots of calls. All this done, Mon-Fri, 9-5. WTF? When I called him out on his fuckery and told him to eat shit the tenor of his emails, text and voice mails changed to nasty (again, all during business hours during the week.) I thought I had finally shaken the married asshole. No such luck. When I told him to pound sand today, here is the message he sent me;

Investment Douchbag (5/17/2009 11:09:43 AM): ooooh nice bitch! sweet lil cunt mouth that you are! Funny at 40 you cant control your anger, your money, you life, your friends, or well yourself in general. MOst people with your rate of failure at least do society a favor and commit suicide.

At least I can spell and punctuate. I wonder if he kisses his wife with that potty mouth?

Monday, ugh

Mondays seem to roll around much more quickly than Fridays. Am I the only one that notices these things? I have so much to do today and I just have lost my work ethic. I had a date Friday night with the Animator2.0. He was nice and all but I believe our political viewpoints are so divergent that we will not be able to bridge that gap. He is quitting his high paying job doing film animation in order to install solar panels. Yes, you read that correctly. Tree hugging, hippie freak. I squandered the rest of the weekend making jambalya and chatting with men from the Dirty Filthy web site. There are a lot of lonely people out there. Lots of dickheads too. Speaking of dickheads, I have not heard from the Screenwriter since last Thursday. Not sure what that is about but I suspect it has something to do with having a girlfriend. I wasted a month of my time waiting for something to happen there. No more! I felt like I was one of my dogs....they will sit and just stare at me...do something! Do something now! At some point, I just stopped needing to understand what makes these guys tick. I really don't need to know the reason he hasn't called, it is the result that matters. I have been too busy filling my pipeline to notice. Or care. Just a quick update...I have to get back to work. Sigh.

Back in the Saddle...not

I haven't had much to say to the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse lately. Work has been monopolizing my time then back to Chicago for the holidays. I decided Friday that I just needed to get laid with no strings or hoop jumping and went back onto the Dirty Filthy web site. As you might imagine there are many that would happily take me up on my offer. I chatted with a lot of guys; I got the usual jerks that think that "hi, are you horny? Wanna fuck?" is going to get me (or any woman for that matter) to run right out and drop my nickers for them the sweet talking Cyranos they are. Or guys with the screen names like Lonelyguy instant messaging, "why won't anybody talk to me? Why won't you send me your picture? I am so lonely!" I thought about messaging him back to say he should change his name to something like IAmAPatheticLoserAndJustShootMeNow or IShouldJustGetUsedToALifeOfMasturbation but I decided that would be mean and let it go. Mixed in with the group of under-sexed predators I chatted with someone that was witty and intelligent and a breath of fresh air. Going to keep this one on the down low for a while I think. I am hoping the muse will strike and I will feel the urge to write again but until then don't expect a lot from me. Happy New Year to whomever is still reading my grossly neglected blog. I hope I can get back to this, I do miss it. By the way, I signed into my email tonight and I got the message, Adult FriendFinder 69 members are interested in Spankie. I thought that was funny. Kat

Dirtier Filthier Web Site

It is funny. My girlfriend is the LAST person you would ever expect to get us rolling on these web sites. I am the single, curious perv that should have found this for all. She has created a couple of monsters in our Filthy and Gorgeous (download the Scissor Sisters song!!) posse. I took it a step further and went to the filthier and dirtier web site. It is somewhat refreshing for men to be up front with their desires and ask for what they want. Embrace your prurient inner child!! At least their agenda is known from the beginning, not buried under dinner invitations and complimentary remarks. I have long said it is not a question of IF someone I am dating is fucked up but how fucked up are they? What is their Dirty Little Secret? (have a mother fixation? are with me because we are roughly the same size and they wanna wear my lingerie? Do they want to pee on me?) Don't laugh, this all has happened to me. Is their Dirty Little Secret a deal breaker? (keep your pee to yourself!) How much time will I have to invest before the Dirty Little Secret becomes apparent? The Dirtier Filthier Web Site is cool because the men will tell you from "Hello" that they do want to pee on you, wear your lingerie and have an Oedipus complex. The Dirty Little Secret. This is in the front of my mind when I jump into another relationship. I take a deep sigh and then leap right into the thick of it. Even I am rolling my eyes, here we go again...............I wonder if he will call tonight? I wonder if he thought about me today? Wonder if he has a myspace page? Boy Gorgeous just pointed out that men are my drug and I am always looking for a fix. Shhhh, that is MY Dirty Little Secret!

Dirty Filthy Web Site

A few weeks ago, my friend told me about this web site. This is no eHarmony my friends, this is where you go if you want to find someone to fuck. My profile sucks, I put NO effort into it and mostly used their "canned" phrases which don't say a lot. I did not post a pic. There is NOTHING interesting, unique or original about my DFW persona which should draw attention to me. I was shocked when I received over 50 emails in my first week! Most of them went something like this;
"You seem so together and sexy and hot. Love to get to know you and then eat that sweet pussy and ass for hours. Hit me back to get things rolling".
Eat Ass??? Is there any breath mint available today that could take the edge off of that? EW!
Or this;
"i pack alot for the right one. I love sex and i love to please. i know how to please a woman in many ways i have a 9in long and 5in thick dick and i know how to use it to its fullest so get at me when u get a miunte"
I am quite sure he would not be able to please a woman who teaches English. Or typing. Maybe he was typing with his 9 in long dick. And 5 in thick?? Holy shit! I would like to point out to the very well endowed, this is *NOT* a selling feature. I am not a baseball mitt that you can work in. After this guy would be done with me, I would have a vagina the size of Montana. I would also call bullshit on the claim to length and girth of his member, however, most of the men were kind enough to send pictures. This one actually sent a picture with his hoo ha lined up with a ruler to better fortify his assertion he is hung like a horse. Maybe he works in marketing.....(an interesting sidebar, one thing all of the penis pics had in common was they were wearing socks. Weird.) In the interest of research, I did reply to some and gave them my dirty instant messenger persona, Spankme. Here is how most of the conversations went; "Hi. Hi. How are you? Do you want to meet? Hi. Can I call you? Do you like to fuck?" WTF??? One of these (ahem) gentleman gave me a computer virus which I in turn gave to EVERYONE on my im contact list. What I have learned from my brief AFF stint is the following; when you aim a camera at your penis your feet get cold and you loose considerable IQ points. You cannot type well with your penis. Finally, there is no such thing as safe sex, even on the internet.