Devil's Playground

Last week had to be the worst week I have ever had professionally. Monday night, I was having mad panic attacks and the Xanax just wasn't touching them. At some point, I decided full on sedation was the only thing I could do and I took an Ambian and was out by ten. 12:30 comes around and Poly guy called me (I have no recollection of this.) Evidently, I said something he didn't like and he dumped me. Tuesday morning I wake up and think, wow...what a bad dream. I thought I had dreamed being dumped until about three hours into my day when I noticed the completed call in my phone log. D'oh! For the best in that I don't think I can handle a Big Love sort of lifestyle. I was surprisingly miserable over it and my work week continued to suck heavy metal ass. Even my iPod conspired to make me miserable. Every romantic and emo song seemed to come up in the shuffle. I looked at it and cried, "et tu iPod?!?!?" Friday night, I went to Freakishly Tall Guy's house where he made me an amazing dinner followed by a steady stream of Sex Crack. Upon arrival home at 2AM PolyGuy was iming me. He wants me back. Sure, why not. I never see him so it isn't like it impacts my life in any significant fashion. He left to visit his parents for a week and we will see if he steps up his game when he gets back. Yesterday, he asked me to do something that would permanently alter my body.....FOREVER. He balked when I replied with a HELLZ NO! Stating I was only willing to submit to him on my terms....he didn't like it when I told him that I really needed him to have a little skin in the game and reminded him he dumped me last week. Not inspiring much security or confidence in our "relationship" or whatever you call this..... in the meantime, I have a date tonight with PopStar. I am sick of sitting around with my thumb up my ass not getting any (sex, companionship, consideration, time.) I will have to remind PolyGuy what they say about idle hands.......

BurningManChild

It is Wednesday and I have been up since 5AM. I have over 200 miles to drive and five account calls ahead of me today. Tomorrow will be much the same.

It has been a quiet week, Freakishly Tall Guy is at Burningman. SurfGirl just dumped her famous movie star boyfriend and he was also desert bound. I don't get it. From what I gather, it is a drug and sex party attended by 220,000 people all coming together to be individuals. Hey, I did something similar when I was in my 2os...it was called the Grateful Dead. At least we had some shitty music to bind us together. Some guy I was talking to told me that he had thought the same thing about Burningman until he went, "It is a cultural happening. A celebration!" When pressed about what the cohesive theme to this event was he said, "It is like Mardi Gras and Carnival rolled into one!" Yup, drug and sex party like I said. SurfGirl and I pinkie truced that if we ever dated a man that aspired to go to Burningman that was an immediate termination. Irresponsible and juvenile. I suspect after a few days in the desert with free love and no showers, Pleasure Wipes are looking pretty darn good.

Went back to the Internet fishing hole to work on my pipeline. Have a couple of tunas on the hook. Have not heard from SoonToBeFameousGuy. Have a date with LaundryMan Friday. It was a bit of an awkward conversation with him last night. Last time we chatted, I told him he needed to work on his kissing (there MAY have been alcohol involved.) Last night he told me he had hired a hooker to work on his skillz with...I just played dumb and pretended not to know what he was talking about. Oopsie! Reason ten thousand and one on why not to drink and chat. In my own defense, he is the worst kisser ever.

One door closes....let's see what's behind door no. 2

I'm not sure if me being a bit blue today is a function of being tired and hung over or that our good time last night was ruined, partially by me. Freakishly Tall Guy texting me also bummed me out. I was lead down the primrose path by him and I feel pretty duped. Pretty amazing that a guy like that can get endless tail.

Speaking of endless tail, I should perk up. I have a date with SoonToBeFameousGuy. I have known him for months, neighborhood guy. Pretty cute, tall but a "comedian." My response was, "yeah, so am I." Living in LA I have developed an immediate distaste for those in the "biz" and dismissed him without a second thought. Most actors etc. are narcissistic hacks that are pretty vapid in my experience. On my date a couple of weeks ago, SoonToBeFameousGuy was flirting with me in front of the LaundryMan. He followed me outside to have a cig and said, "I just got the trailer for my show today. I'm pretty excited. Wanna see?" Anticipating a low budget public access type trailer a la Wayne's World I nonchalantly said, "yeah. Sure." He pulled out his iPhone and starts the video for his show, that is debuting next season on Fox called 'The SoonToBeFameousGuy Show.' Color me gobsmacked. He is actually a working actor with his own show coming out. Hello lover......We have been texting for a couple of weeks and just haven't been able to hook up. Tonight's the night!

UPDATE: Fell asleep on the couch. Missed our date. Oopsie.

Liza at the Bowl

It it embarrassing for me to have a Prince Charming. Hollywood Bowl for Liza tonight with my gays. ABC chick and I were taking too loudly for some people's preference. Nobody said a word...until intermission. Gay douche behind me slapped my drink out of my hand. I was soaked as was the poor girl in front of me. They called over the ushers...who got their managers...got ugly. Nobody likes a group of nasty queens. I was sopping wet, the dramz was too much so we left. Pretty expensive couple of hours. In the meantime...FTG was inviting me over for a 3some (he has a big pair doesn't he? EW!)....SoonToBeFameous guy wants to hang out and party, Laundry Guy...well just texting. My hero is ABC Chick. Maybe I should look more closely at being a lesbian.

RIP FTG

A week of revelations.

In LA, it is hard to believe I could meet people that know Freakishly Tall Guy but I did. He has quite the reputation for being a "doll collector" and I have been his latest conquest. I am freaking out as I am now confident he is not very selective on where he sticks his penis. Every itch I have is scabies, every zit forming is herpes and every stomachache is the clap. I (PROBABLY) didn't catch anything, but the idea is keeping me up at night. In this instance, KnitStar's observation that most men are looking for three quiet wet spots with no sharp edges is spot on. EW.

How is quantity over quality more rewarding? FTG asked me over last night and I just couldn't manage the doe-eyed empty gaze, pursed lips and "momma" when you tipped me over. When I think of his place now, it is a bio hazard zone in my mind. Just couldn't do it. Done. How can other women accept this? He does it because they allow it. What does this say about us as women in LA? Despite being seemingly tough, I recognize that I have a porcelain exterior. I am not going to wait around for that to be broken or chipped. Or to be tossed aside for a shiny new doll. I collected dolls once too, but then I grew up.

Coming down from the buzz is a bitch

It occurs to me that when you reach a certain age, dating is much different than it was when you were younger. Youth allows you a certain wanton recklessness with your time and who your are dating is a function of how much fun they are. This is how I spent my 20s and 30s. I never really "picked" who I was with. I found myself falling from one serious relationship to the next, leaving when my needs stopped being met or something new and shiny caught my attention. As long as you didn't catch something like a disease or a baby, it is all fun and games and nothing went on your permanent record.

Now, I am 40 something.

It is an entirely different landscape. Los Angeles exacerbates the symptoms, like dropping dating acid. It is surreal, unpredictable and the minute you start to trip balls you want it to end. I was with Freakishly Tall Guy last night. I haven't seen him for a week and when I complained you may remember he told me to "get some filler booty." He did call me Saturday night for a booty call at 12:30....I told him I was with "filler booty" and couldn't come over. It is amazing what Sherlock Holmes (me) notices when I come into his apartment. There is a new decorative refrigerator magnet...an empty bottle of Pinot Grigio (FTG would die of thirst before he ever drank that.) When I went in the bathroom there was a wrapper for "Pleasure Wipes" in strawberry flavor in the garbage can. Yea, we had fun. Yea, the sex was great. Somehow that isn't enough. I am coming down from my high and want it to end.

I am worried about what will go on my permanent record now. Call me old fashioned, but I would prefer to keep my cookie neat and clean by showering and not have to use "Pleasure Wipes." I want sex to smell and taste like sex...not the available flavors of vanilla, mango or strawberry (or in my mind, scented candles, tropical fruit drink or straberry shortcake.) Someone that wants (or more scary, NEEDS) their cookie to taste like a strawberry shortcake is likely someone I don't want to be one degree of separation from.

This isn't going anywhere. According to Doc, he does like me but for whatever reason, I am not going to be someone he commits to. It would be much easier if I could find some dating weed to take the edge off of coming down.

so much for the flow.....

UPDATE: tentative plans with FTG today and I just got this IM;

FTG: hey you - had fun yesterday! poor "happy but unsatisifed whore"! LOL see you soon...

I love the impersonal, hey YOU.....guess we aren't doing anything today. Good for me, going to Venice with AppleBottom anyway.

UPDATE: FTG wanted me to come over at 8. I said no. Tuesday perhaps? Perhaps.......

Chop Wood, Carry Water

Sunday morning and reflecting on my weekend. Friday, had a blast with Freakishly Tall Guy and AppleBottom. First, started over at FTG's house for a little "reunion" if you catch my drift. We hadn't seen each other for a week and a half and had some catching up to do. Interesting going to meet AppleBottom with rope marks on my arms and chest...we also wore the "I've tried Menage a Trois" buttons that AppleBottom gave me as a joke. Don't think she would have given them to me if she thought I would actually wear them. We went to Cafe Cordilaire....ok R&B band and lots of wine. Went to the Chimney Sweep afterward, I was cut off before I even got started there. I got to spend the night at FTG's house. It has been so long since I have slept in someone's arms. I have to say, I really miss it.

Saturday, we slept in, fooled around a couple more times. We went the ABC chick's bday party in Malibu. It was nice to have a +1. The Kittens and The Brads were fun as usual. FTG had to leave early, but I stayed spending a nice relaxing day on the beach with some good company.

I am looking for some odd angle, or a place to insert some acerbic witticism into this story, but I can't find it. It was comfortable being with FTG. I am at center right now. I am not wrestling with any internal turmoil. I am like water and FTG is the rock that I flow over, slowly wearing down. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I am happy to go with the flow for now. I inadvertently smuggled some of Paradise Cove back to the Valley. I am like the Thomas's English Muffin for sand, so many nooks and crannies to hide in! Shower then mourning the weekend. It was a nice one.

Being a minx is a double edged sword.......

Travelled with Current Boss all day today. I think my emo hormonal shit from going back on the kill pill has passed. I had a great day. Until 5PM. There was an industry drinking and fighting event at the Sagebrush today. En route, I had to confess to Current Boss that I had a bit of an awkward situation about to unfold. I had (inadvertantly) found myself dating my Old Boss. Current Boss found this hysterically funny. Over the last 8 years, I have considered Old Boss a friend. Often, we would get together for drinks and go to industry events in groups. Several months ago, the invitations were coming more frequently, and the groups becoming smaller. Finally, we were at a Laker's game when it dawned on me that, holy shit! I am on a date with Old Boss! As I had this epiphany, he reached for my hand. FUCK!!! I handled this in the most mature fashion I could muster, I just stopped taking his calls or answering texts and emails. I know he has been butt hurt, I am hearing it from a lot of people. I had to face the inevitable, and that was tonight. I warned Current Boss that I expected him to be my human shield. I took a deep breath as we approached Sagebrush and motherfucker! Old Boss was blocking the only entrance into the bar. He greeted me with an enthusiastic, "Kaatttt!!! How are you?!?!?!" and then looked me up and down commenting on how much weight I have lost and that I am too skinny...Current Boss crept away. I tore myself away from Old Boss and smacked Current Boss, "way to be a human shield! And thanks for ditching me!!" He said he did body block but I went in front of him instead of in back and, "I had to leave when he started checking you out, got creepy....." Old Boss sort of followed me around.

Adding to the discomfort of the evening, I also ran into Potential Future Boss. He offered me a job back in Jan. Mind you, he has been trying to hire me for five years. I told him I was interested, and never heard from him again. Basically, he doesn't trust himself to control his penis around me which is why he didn't hire me. Good times.

I did hear from Freakishly Tall Guy today. My stomach flipped when he asked to chat with me, I was convinced I was being dumped. He wants to spend Friday and all day Saturday with me! What a nice surprise! I am looking forward to this weekend. It is nice to have some wanted male attention! Meow!

Beach Party!

Sunday night I lost my shit on Freakishly Tall Guy. He has been invited to a party with me next Saturday thrown by The Kittens and our best gays, The Brads. This is sure to be a top-shelf event as that is how The Kittens and The Brads roll. I have been planning my outfit for this beach party for a month. I got my nails done in a hot pink with white flowers and pink diamonds on my toes to match my hot pink bikini and floral wrap. I bought the bday girl a $70 bottle of Woodford Reserve whiskey and ordered a lei. I still am on a quest for the perfect card. The "official" beach party goes from 2-5 but we were told to plan on partying way into the evening. So, when FTG told me he had to leave to help a "friend" at 7.....frankly I was pissed. I am allowing him to be my "plus one" to this event, and some other bitch will be getting laid Saturday night. Mind you, this convo did happen at 10PM Sunday, I was exhausted, just started back on the kill pill and have been emo for several days and the full moon cometh. So, I apologized to FTG yesterday and he was ice cold. I asked if we were still on for Wednesday and he non-commitally said, "We had plans Wednesday. er, ok if we had plans I guess so......" No surprise I get the text yesterday afternoon bowing out as he has to go "work." I am beyond caring so I just gave him some, "go get 'em tigers! Land that account! No worries....." Normally, if we had to change plans he would give me an alternate time..but nope. So, in true metaphysics 101 fashion....just as I was taking his news with equanimity...I get an email from a guy I have been talking to on Plentyoffish.com. Hot hot hot piece of ass and seems funny and smart from our emails. He wants to meet and the only day he can do cocktails is Wednesday! One door closes, another one opens. Ultimately, I fucked up with FTG. Sissy thinks he will bail on the Kitten party yet. As Annie Hall would say, "la ti dah, la ti dah!"

WWABD?

It is Monday and I am exhausted today. I was thinking last night that I really wanted to go to sleep, but if I did it would be Monday. My job is becoming the Freddie Kruger of my Sunday nights, don't go to bed...just DON'T GO TO SLEEP! I have been working to keep my pipeline full. I have been dating like a fool. I went out with the Handicapped guy. He is incredibly good looking, funny, smart...but ultimately I am too shallow to date someone with an extreme handicap. BBFF is back in the picture. I knew he would come back eventually. He is Sex Meat and Potatoes, the smart choice on a variety of levels. Freakishly Tall Guy has been throwing some mad mixed messages. He gets very boyfriendy....yet I haven't rated a weekend date for three weeks now. He has "friends" and "they" are staying over, or he is staying with a "friend" in Santa Monica and "they" are going to take him to the airport, or this next Saturday we have plans which he will have to leave to help his "friend" set up for a wedding at 7pm and "they" asked him for help months ago. I get that I am just a pleasurable toy for him, I just don't like to have my nosed rubbed in it. There are two things I do not suffer well in this world; fools and liars. He is treating me like a fool and he is lying. As Hunter S. Thompson said, "In a world of thieves, the final sin is stupidity." I would like to make sure I do not fall into that category. I have other tunas on the hook, I will write more at those stories unfold. My new inspiration for coquettish fuckery is Anne Boleyn and I find myself trying to quash my gut reaction and ask myself, WWABD? I am cultivating my inner minx and it is working......let's hope I don't lose my head!

Body Temple Night

I decided to lay low after a super fun night with my Kittens and Freakishly Tall Guy last night. I cannot imagine how many dirty martinis I imbibed last night, but from how I am feeling today....I must have depleted the world's supply of Kettle One. I was supposed to go on a date tonight but just had to bail. I cannot rally. It is a shame because I was really looking forward to seeing The ChoirBoy. I have come to the realization I have to dial it back a scotch. I am dragging all the time and not hitting the gym regularly enough, eating well (or at all on some days,) and have a disgusting smoker's hack. Yes it's been fun...but I am getting too old for this shit and the rebound time is ridiculous. The irony is, I am really happy right now. I am dating a lot and really spending some quality time with my friends. I have taken control of things that have been looming over my head for a while. I have rid myself of the emotional vampires that tend to glom on to me. Financially, I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. My job is going well, my boss has been leaving me alone. Things are no longer spiraling out of control. Peaceful and happy....huh. Such an unfamiliar sensation.

Giving myself the yellow card

I'm back in the whorey saddle after my unfortunate experience with Minty Tingles. I am officially addicted to Sex Crack...aka Freakishly Tall Guy. Last weekend was an insane blurr of drunken activities with the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse and filthy sex. Saturday I had a 3some with Freakisly Tall Guy and the Sadist. What an intense experience. Hard to know where to focus, there was so much going on. During the process, I did stop to think how grateful I was that I had gone back to the gym so I could keep up! Freakishly Tall Guy was incredibly attentive and protective of me. It is weird to feel so cared for in such a filthy scenario. It is also odd to feel so proud of my "accomplishment" after being complimented for my performance. Saturday nights activities were follow by a naked pool party on Sunday. Never in my life did I imagine I would be trotting around naked, watching people do filthy sex acts while eating a cheeseburger. It is surreal. Boundaries crossed, skin bruised, taboos broken.....if life is a buffet as Auntie Mame claims, I certainly am not starving to death. I am more worried about gout.

The challenge will be not to get attached to him. During these intense situations one does make connections. I am like a dude in that I can separate sex and emotion but this is different. He has made it clear he has no interest in having more of a relationship and will not stop seeing other girls. He had a little freak out on me this week sensing I was developing feelings. We went out with my best lesbians last night and had a wonderful time. I need to step back and reaccess my situation. I am going to get hurt, badly.

Minty tingles and ready to mingles......

I had a wonderful holiday weekend. Probably one of the best ever, marred only by the fact I didn't get laid and am having a severe allergic reaction. I know I am allergic to spermacide...which I told Freakishly Tall Guy. Initially, as the allergic reaction unfolds, you can write it off as a bunch of different things, healing, UTI developing, STD developing....but eventually I had that Aaha! moment when it occrred to me to ask if the condoms had spermacide. Not only did they have spermacide, they have the bonus kick of "Minty Tingles" on the label. Minty tingles my ass!!! A marketing misnomer, should say "with fire in the hole" on the label. Not fun, and I have been put out of comission for a week now trying to get over this. In any event, I have a big date with Freakishly Tall Guy Saturday and a fun night planned for the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse on Friday at the Sweep. I just need to get through the next couple of work days. I have to be in San Diego by 9 am tomorrow, have to leave my house at 4 AM to catch the train. NOT a happy camper. I wonder if you can amputate your vagina?

Didn't see this one coming (as usual!)

Just got back from some Sex Candy with Freakishly Tall Guy. I was a bit flippin' my lid on the way in....he mentioned he had a "proposal" for me. Sissy said, "THREESOME!" I reminded her, in my world you can never go to the logical place. You have to just let things unfold and know the outcome will be the last thing you ever expected. I went to his apartment and we drank wine and chatted for almost two hours. He said, "not to give you a big head but I have to say I have sunk considerable time into finding your blog." I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks, nice to know he is thinking of me. So, the "proposal." He said he would like to take it to the next level and spend more time together. "We don't always have to do sexual things. We could just hang out and BBQ." He also made me promise the next time I was as sick as I was Sunday, I would call him. "After everything you have done for me, I could bring you some chicken soup. Promise you'll call?" WTF? Was today opposite day and I missed the memo? Ultimately, we had wild monkey sex, blah blah blah. My head is still spinning from "the proposal." He likes me? I was taken aback, thought we might grab hands and start singing kumbaya. Holy fuck! Oh yes, and we had our first kiss tonight. Color me gobsmacked. Last thing I expected tonight (and finally, in a good way!)

NOTE: Thought the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse would prefer a picture of Gene Simmons rather than some cheesy kissy pic...hope you got the joke!

Sex Candy

Freakishly Tall Guy is sex candy. All empty calories, no good for you and you crash shortly thereafter. Then you want more....vicious cycle. I'm not sure how long this will sustain me, I will likely want something hearty and filling sooner or later. Sex shephard's pie. But until then, this is just fun. I had such a nice time with him. Some wine and conversation and then shamelessly engorging ourselves with sweet bites. (this could easily go graphic and gross, cream filling, gooey centers.....I am doing my best to resist the temptation.) Snacking on sugary treats rarely leads to anything good. By the time your real meal gets here, you aren't hungry.

Pretend Boyfriend

I had a very nice surprise this am. I was talking to San Fran (who now lives in Boulder, we are going to have to re-think the name)and he asked me to visit. I waffled, I am broke. As we were chitty chatting, I get a ticket confirmation in my inbox! He bought me a ticket to visit next weekend! It is no secret I have been feeling a bit raw lately. This is just what I needed. San Fran is the best pretend boyfriend! Opens doors, pays for everything, brushes the hair out of my eyes...nickname is The Donkey (*wink wink.) Hopefully, some TLC will put all that is wrong right again. Now I have to go get ready to go out with Freakishly Tall Guy. Sigh. No wonder I've been feeling raw, with that guy I am just raw meat.

Who's that sleeping in my bed?

I have a date tonight with the Silver Fox. This has been a very busy week for the girl here vis a vis whoring around. Some days, I feel more like Goldilocks than others...this one is too hard, this one is too soft......while I search for Mr. Just Right, I seem to be stuck with Mr. Just Right Now. I'm chatting with my buddy Latin Lover....talk about one depraved individual. Freakishly Tall Guy has told me to be at his house Monday at 8 PM, sharp. As I posit about what degrading and (possibly) herpes inducing plans he has for me, Latin Lover gets more and more aroused. I told him it is all fun and games until I wake up in Mexico starring in a donkey show. That "tickles his pickle" and has left our chat hanging while he goes into the bathroom at work and rubs one out. We agree that sometimes fantasy should just stay that way, the reality of the situation never living up to the images conjured up in our heads. Like the Friends episode where Ross has a 3some and ends up making a sandwich. Latin Lover notes, "there are just too many variables and it would just be disappointing." I can imagine a pile of awkward limbs at odd angles. Being the graceful gazelle that I am there is no other outcome possible. So, sigh, back to the fishing pond. Perhaps the Silver Fox and Goldilocks will be "just right." Latin Lover, "try not to suck any dicks on the way to your date!" Oh, I'll try.

I put the grrr in swingerrrrr.....

I have been invited to a swingers party by Freakishly Tall Guy! I struggled for the words...what where they...something like FUCK NO. When discussing this with Doc, he aptly mused that I don't strike him as a girl that would be happy being passed around more than a doobie at a Dead show. He further commented that this guy was moving FAST. I agreed, right? I mean at this rate in a month what would be left, snuff? MILFie did say, "hey, he is a porn producer and it is a fast life. All that shit happens in 90 mins-or less typically. That is the fact Jack." oh yes and, "interesting...on the twisted, denied-for-too-long sort of level." I went to happy hour with SexualChocolate tonight and the bartender overheard some of our conversation. She is a comedian/bartender and I asked her, "would you go to a swingers party just to get material for your comedy?" She said she basically masturbates for material and hell yes, she would and has put herself in bizarre situations for her show. I made her laugh and told SexualChocolate that I thought I want to be a comedian now...he told me I didn't have what it takes. Ouch. What is most shocking is the response from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Most of you are like, do it do it do it do it. The Thunderdome of perversion. I cannot tell if the Posse is just cheering me on, or looking for cheap entertainment. You know, it doesn't get much cheaper than this.

Wouldn't you rather misbehave?

Mark Twain said he would like to go to Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company. I think that sums up Los Angeles pretty well. It is going to be another beautiful day (sunny and 70 every day, every day..oh the ennui.) Freakishly Tall Guy has sparked much conversation from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. MILFie asked me if it was the fact he is a porn producer or that he has several irons in the fire that bothers me. I have to say, it is a combination of both. First it is the caliber of the irons. I am living in a hep C free world and I like it. (Boy Gorgeous and I have had in-depth conversations and have decided this would be the worst STD to have. You would die and couldn't drink. Shudder.) Second, it would be like dating a gyno. How do you stand out from the pack? It is unnerving knowing you will be judged along side "professionals." I doubt I bring the same skill set and would be setting myself up for failure. I wouldn't try out for a professional dance company or rodeo...I would look like a fool and most likely hurt myself badly. But then comes the pull of the dark side.....I really need to get another hobby. I'm simply mad.....