Monday, June 29, 2009

How Am I So Fucking Stupid...Still??

In what I am sure is an exercise in futility.....I wait for BBFF to call. On an intellectual level, I know he won't. The teenage girl inside still holds out hope. There hasn't been any communication since I texted him Wednesday saying, "You either really suck at this or you don't like me. You going to ask me out again?" He replied back, "Aggressive, I like that. And I do suck at this. Call you Monday." Monday? WTF? I just find it so hard to believe I was so wrong about this. I cannot be that retarded!!!! I will let you know if the extremely unlikely happens. Sigh. I am so sick of this shit.

UPDATE: 11 PM and no call. I knew it. Went to the Sweep and met KnitStar and her Ex for a drink. Ended up talking to the band leader from American Idol. Super cool guy, lives in the neighborhood and we are going to have a drink at some later date. On my walk back, some creepy guy was following me in his car shouting out the window at me. "You're cute, what's your name, what are you doing all by yourself?" It flipped me out. I initially ignored him, then told him to leave me along, finally telling him to FUCK OFF! "Cunt! Better watch who you shoot your mouth off to!" as he went to do another U-turn to get to my side of the street. Pretty scary shizzle, I must say. I crossed the street and ducked thru the courtyard to a neighboring building which lets out in the alley behind my apartment. I quickly (while shaking!) got my gate key out....I could see him cruising the streets looking for me. Awesome!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Partying with the Gays and bonus! ManTits sighting!

You just know it is going to be a rough day when you wake up burping Kettle One and reek of Camel Lights and lime. Yeah, I am sexxxy like that..... Went to the Abbey with AppleBottom and SuperHotV last night....the usual. Danced our asses off and drank too much. Up too late. Every other song was Lady GaGa a Go Go! She is officially the new gay icon! At the end of the night, we went to the bathroom....a half hour wait in line. Some poor Asian chick barfed in the garbage can, I held her hair. We were almost at the stalls and some dumb bizzy butted to the front of the line and sholder checked AppleBottom. She had NO idea who she was messing with! AppleBottom stepped up on her and let her ghetto side show and threatened to kick her ass. I created a human barrier in between them, I think she actually would have. Best part, dumb bizzy dropped her Prada bag in the garbage can accidentally on the way out. She fished it out and there was vomit dripping off of it. Everyone in line just laughed and taunted her refusing to help her. "Karma is a bitch!" one yelled at her. V's husband met us there after work. I think it is so cool when guys are comfortable enough with themselves to go to a gay bar, he was even hit on! We had a great time! Unfortunately, it is 6 PM on Sunday and I still feel like shit. AppleBottom texted me this morning, "I feel like shit. I didn't get da memo im 2 old 4 dis shit. lol!" Well put sissy. Lessons learned from last night; A. we are too old for this shit B. Don't fuck with AppleBottom, she will cut you bitch! and C. when at a gay bar, tell them you are transgendered and you will sue if they don't let you use the men's room.

ManTits sighting! My dogs just went bananas barking out the window....ManTits is walking in front of my building holding hands with a chick! And she is not fat or wearing mom jeans. All I can say to her is, you'll be sorry..........and also not getting any. ManTits can't get it up.

UPDATE: Greatest text ever from AppleBottom, "need to delete the pic of me licking the gay boy's nipple. Good ammo in the custody battle." LOL!

Friday, June 26, 2009


To be or not to be? THAT is the question. I am on beer ten bajillion.....shall I add beer ten bajillion and one to the equation? (Don't mind if I do!) As night time Kat ALWAYS fucks over day time Kat we say MILLER TIME! I am ripshit fucked up. I have so many great ideas on what I want to talk about. I will just rant tonight. I am exhausted, five days straight of travel. I clipped myself in the eye with the mascara brush this morning and looked super stoned all day...burning eyes. I worked for 14 hours....didn't eat and then starting drinking the second I got home. I cannot believe BBFF hasn't called. I am genuinely devistated. I have to close one eye when I type to read this. 100% FAIL for the week. Now I start to hiccup. I should put that last bit on my family Christmas card.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Hump Day Sucks

This week is proving to be pure misery for the girl here. I am travelling every day. Talked on the phone until 1:30 last night and got super drunk. This morning came around....well, I want to die. So, BBFF hasn't called. I am not supposed to know this but he is going out with his ex this weekend. They were together for 14 years and she still has her claws in him. Evidentially, she is trying to get 15 grand out of him for a recent shopping spree. Not sure how to handle this situatuation. Suggestions?

Monday, June 22, 2009

Baaaa means no...

I have had a lot happen this week, and I have been worked to death. I saw Freakishly Tall Guy for some sex candy. I am a bit worried, I think he may have baited and switched me with the condom.....I have my reasons but will protect you innocents from graphic details. Needless to say, I am flipped out and likely not going to see him again. What is somewhat flattering, Freakishly Tall Guy spent over an hour after I left searching for my blog. To no avail. Friday, went out with Duke, Boobs, Mellow to the Sagebrush. Worst band ever playing...and we got drunk. Mellow's wife has been out of town for a week and he was uncharacteristically dirty. I asked, "come on now, it has only been a week, how bad can it be?" And he replied, "There are some sheep that graze the hill behind my house. Let me just say, they have a worried look on their face." The quote of the evening was Duke's reply, "Mellow, I am going to get you a shirt that says, BAAAA means NO!" Saturday night I had a date with BBFF. I drove to Hunting Beach to meet him at Savannah's. It was a lovely restaurant on the beach. We had a delightful time, filet and pinot. After dinner, I guess I rated date package number 1. He mentioned he had a bottle of wine and blankets in his car and suggested we collect them and hit the beach. We arranged our stuff and talked forever, he was quite funny and seems smitten with me. I told him during the course of our conversation that what I knew about men could fill a thimble. He said it was quite a coincidence, as his manhood could actually fill a thimble. We kissed, and rolled around in the sand..just magical. He whispered in my ear, "I know what you are thinking now?" Yes? "thimble." He was witty and handsome and well..I may be smitten too. I have to say, BBFF is very intruiging to me. To use verbiage from my old sorority days, I may just suicide. Let's see if he feels the same.
AN ASIDE: Happy Father's Day! I called my daddy (yes ChiBird, I still call my dad daddy too) to wish him a Happy Father's Day!!!!! Evidentially, while sucking face with BBFF my phone decided to randomly call him, twice. Guess I left a nice couple of messages for my dad who still thinks I am a virgin. Sweet!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Only mildly agitated (cannot afford shaken or stirred)

I am a baller on a budget, and this week has been a good one for the recessionista that I have (had to) become. Wednesday, AppleBottom and I had cocktails with another friend, who expensed the check! (Who has an expense account these days?) Friday, we went dancing at Cafe Cordilaire with AppleBottom and KnittingFriend. The club looks like the painting from the beginning of Good Times, we were the only white people there. Band was off the chain! Everything from Fitty Cent to Curtis Mayfield (I went bananas!) When the bill came, this rather large black man took care of it for us. I grabbed AppleBottom's ass and thanked her delicious booty for the free drinks...over a hundos worth! Saturday was my company Angles game. Again, AppleBottom, KnittingFriend, SuperHotV all accompanied me. This is the only day of the year I get to boss my boss, "Put some cheese on that burger NOW, bitch!" We tailgated and missed most of the game. Boss's best friend (BBFF) started chatting me up. We got kicked out of the park and ended up at some sports bar in OC. Had a blast....great people, great conversation is my thing. When I got home, I noticed that my OfficeManager was blowing up my phone, BBFF was begging her for my number, "love at first sight" he said. I told her to go ahead and give it to him. He called and we talked until 3 am...potentially career ending. What will go down as the Worst Idea Ever, I am going to go out with him.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I'll Even Take a Partial One At This Point...

I need a brain abortion. I had a soul sucking day in a training about the most banal of electronics today given by Grandpa Simpson. This guy is legendary for his ability to prattle on and on about nothing. I knew it would be bad, just never prepared for the reality of just how bad it can get. Initially, I entertained myself by counting how many times Gpa Simpson said, "and stuff like that." His personal best was 17 times in one 30 minute interval. That got boring. Then I focused on his ability to be a total asshole without even realizing it. Gpa Simpson, "Joe, Bill and Bob are about the best in the room letting me know about new applications. They are brilliant and in touch with what is going on. Or, they could be complete idiots that are feeding me a line of (pardon my language) bullcookies because I don't hear from the rest of you." We all let out a communal, ouch! Frickin' cold dude! I enjoyed being a fly on the wall as he talked to the salesman from Israel, "I find men do better there. Women, they don't like Israel because of all the dirt. It is really dusty and dirty. Women don't like it." Not sure what tickled me more, his complete misogyny or ability to insult and entire culture without even realizing it. My boss and I were cracking up, I was like, "please don't send me to Israel. I hear it is a backward dirt pit...not that I mind that over being stoned in the streets for showing skin." At one point my buddy, Mr. Slick leaned over and we hatched a plan. Mr. Slick said, "look. If he doesn't shut up soon I am going to make myself vomit. I don't care if I have to stick my entire arm down my throat and grab my liver to make that happen. I am getting out of here somehow." I told him he had better barf on me so I could go too. Thanked him for having my back, or front, or whatever part of me he wanted to barf on. I was grateful to be included in his plan. At some point, my head was lolling around in my chair and I told my co-worker that I was going to attack him and stick a fork in his eye. He handed me a pen, that is all we had handy. My torture finally came to a close and I opted out of more forced fun with dinner. I stopped at the Sev on my way home and got the ultimate complidiss from the cashier. He told me he didn't recognize me as I was dressed nicely, my hair was done and I was looking pretty. Um. Thanks?

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

oh Baby Baby

Last night I reconnected with one of my very best friends from high school. She is more gorgeous than I remember and honestly, one of the smartest people I have ever known. I hate that I suck so badly at keeping in touch with people, but Facebook has been pretty cool for making up for years of my laziness. I am so overjoyed to have had a chance to talk to her. She did drop a bomb shell, she just found out she is pregnant. And she is 6 1/2 months along.....she thought she was going thru menopause. Hell, so did I last year so it sounds reasonable to me. I am just happy that at this stage in the game we are still able to get some ass! Yay us! Babies mean one thing to me, knitting! I am talking to Latin Lover about it today;

spankie: yay, little things to knit!!
Latin Lover: pfft, get knitting for the thousands of potential children that will die on your face when Freakishly Tall Guy takes you to a swing party.
spankie: that's a lot of little beanies

Of course, he went there. I am off to have some cocktails at Senior Freds with AppleBottom and a potential new member of the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. My chance at killing thousands of potential human beings thrwarted by my broken Cookie.

PS. one day I am going to figure out this Photo Shop thingy, until then, just picture the sperms in little knit caps! Thank you for using your imagination!

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Quote of the Trip

"Bugs, when cooked correctly, taste just like popcorn." Former survival teacher and my friend Hippie. On FB he clarified, "It's true...Popcorn Cricket Crunch. But, I prefer wild onions, lentils, and steamed nettles. Just like chicken."

Monday, June 08, 2009

Sun Sets on Boulder

Friday was a blurr.....working all day, giving my principal the bum's rush to get him to the airport, run home, change, grab bag, the kennel! Then fight rush hour traffic to LAX. My reward was barely making it onto my completely packed to the gills flight. Find a spot for my bag and then look at my seat. Fuck! Middle seat, with a very heavy woman on one end and another very heavy woman holding a three year old screaming and fussy child in her lap on the other. I let out an audible sigh, greaaatttt....then tucked my wings to squeeze in my fat lady sandwich seat and closed my eyes. We land, and the fat lady with the obviously too old to hold child said loudly, "Next time you have something to say you should think twice." I told her "I don't care for middle seats, and care for misbehaving children even less." To which she replied, "Oh yeah, well next time book in first class!!" and I said, "How about you just get some!!!!" Oh snap! Suck on that bitch! Why do we have to live in such a Jerry Springer world? My Pretend Boyfriend was waiting for me and we started on the hour drive to Boulder. I was genuinely happy to see him, it has been over a year.
We had some cocktails upon arrival in Boulder, Irish bar then proceeded back to his place. Walking distance from the ped mall. It was hilarious as it was closing time and this is a college town...there were girls barfing, and guys chasing their gfs around saying stuff like, "baby I'm sooo sorry!!" and guys trying to make time, one guy high-fiving his friend saying, "I totally fucked that one up, called her the wrong name!!!" Hard to believe we were once that retarded, but I know at least I was. We got to his house and started to fool around. He has an awesome body and well, again his nick that his guy friends gave him was The Donkey so....I am not sure what his deal was but he was animalistic. Normally I am into that but he really hurt me. And wouldn't stop. Woke me up again Saturday morning for a go, and I realized just how injured I was...still am really. He broke my fucking junk! No joke!
Saturday was perfect. 80 degrees, sun shining on the mountains, perfect breeze blowing. Brunch, some shopping more eating and then happy hour with my Cuz and Cuz's Wife and my friend from college, Hippie. We met on the roof of The Foundry. Cool bar on Pearl street with an amazing view of the mountains as the backdrop for our debauchery. One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the quality of people I have in my life and the very interesting things they do. Hippie is a teacher now, but in the past he was a survival instructor. He would take a group of people, armed with only a knife, out into the wilderness and teach them to live off the land for a month. Now he also is a glass blower. He looks exactly the same as he did when we first met, on his first day of college. Round John Lennon glasses (but rose colored, so perfect for him,) bucket hat, glass pendant around his neck that he made. Like a very handsome Hunter S. Thompson. My Cuz and his wife, similarly interesting. The conversation and the cocktails flowed as the sun set on the mountains. Simply. Perfect. They left and My Pretend Boyfriend and I journeyed on. He became retardedly drunk. It got ugly. 'Nuff said.
Sunday we awoke and My Pretend Boyfriend knew enough to apologize but didn't remember why he should. I stormed off and walked into town. Called him a bit later to meet me at The Kitchen for breakfast. He did. I'm cool. Again, 'nuff said. We ate, shopped a bit then went to see The Hangover...hilarious! Two thumbs up! We went home to change and then met my Cuz and my Cuz's Wife at Jax for dinner. Just wonderful, food and most importantly company. I was so sad to see the evening draw to a close. My Pretend Boyfriend was enchanting, as he can be. He picked up the dinner check. Wow, just wow on every level. I floated back to his place and then went to bed. You know, without drinking or sex we don't have much in common so it was a quiet walk home.
I woke up this morning and he was gone. I spent the day wandering around Boulder by myself and spending money I don't have. He finished work just in time to take me to the airport and stick his foot in the small of my back pushing me out of the car (not literally, but he might as well have.) Typical ending to a weekend with him. Screaming baby on the flight back too. Joyous. I just got home and am exhausted.
I am looking forward to sleeping and waking up in my own bed, alone as expected (except for the cuddly dog pile, yay!) I may have to seek medical treatment tomorrow. No kidding....I am gushing blood. There were peaks and valleys to this weekend but I don't think I will be going back to Boulder anytime soon. Call me Sisyphus, but don't call me late to dinner.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

by the way fuckers....

so, going on the record to say I know you are reading. I am getting emails. Why don't you assholes post when you see something that tickles you? It PISSES me off to be perfectly honest. I am doing this for feedback for my "real" writing. I would appreciate know what you like...what you don't like. Nobody likes talking into the air. Please post your comments HERE. It doesn't hurt, I promise. Thank you, Kat

Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder

No exciting tid anticipated. You hang out with a couple of MSEEs and that is to be expected. I am so looking forward to my trip tomorrow....packing and stuff. This whole no liquid unless you check thing is punitive for chicks. When I came back from Chicago last summer (as many of you knew, I had just returned from Tahiti, my grandmother died...I had to turn on my heels and go home. Grabbed the wrong wallet...had no credit cards or debit cards...lived on the kindness of my mother which, um. She is a cunt. Day I left, she left me a crisp twenty and I promptly went out and bought a latte and a pack of cigs and a newspaper. Color me fucking stupid when I went to the airport and United had just instituted...that weekend..the $15 bag check fee. Oopsie! I had to dump a brand new bottle of Dolche and Gabanna perfume, some hair product and moisturiser....etc. I estimate the loss at over 4 hundo) Punitive. I am packing my bags and looking for tiny bottles, I know I have them. I just want to smell nice, have good hair and have my skin look like I am not 105. Terrorists. I will kill them.
I am packing my carry-on with books and magazines. Over the shoulder boulder holder...fucking cracking myself up. Going to Boulder as you know.
You all won't hear from me until Tuesday most likely. I find it is best to not talk about someone when they are around.

birds that sing your beautiful songs outside my window starting at 5AM...stfu

I am tired this morning. Spent my night chatting with ABC Chick. We are posturing for the next dance off, "bring it" she says..."you hear that tap tap tap tap? That is me dancing on your dream!" Oh, it's broughten. Editor was stuck in a hick bar in AZ, we texted until about midnight. Passed the time by talking about Jimmy Choos thus helping her plaid colored, redneck infused world melt away. Finally, a friend of mine, adult going to band camp, for the banjo!! How oddly cool is that? One time, in band camp.....I reminded her that the banjo was WAYYY bigger than a flute so be careful not to hurt herself! She enlightened me to the fact when you play the banjo it vibrates! Come to think of it, I have never seen a frowning banjo player. Today and tomorrow travelling with my boss. I will likely not have any exciting tid bits to share.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Love, Sex and Ninjas

Day two no water....the saga continues. I have not showered since I got a little sugar in my bowl on Monday. As one might imagine, it is unpleasant to be around me. Eau de Two-Day-Old-Sex is not good for daytime. Sounds French, smells even Frencher. I have had to cancel meetings yesterday and today. Most disappointing as I was to have lunch with my buddy, SalesRep, that is getting a mail order bride. Yup, just got back from the Philippines and said some lucky lady would have a ring by the end of the year. God bless him, I wish it were that easy for me. SalesRep will be happy spending the rest of his life with a little spinner that cooks and cleans for him. Again, I envy that men are such easy to please creatures. Los Angeles is a fucked up place for men too, I sometimes forget. SalesRep is a catch by any standard. He is handsome, kind, hard working, successful and a wonderful father. He can't get a date to save his life. I am bummed I will not be getting the details of the process or see pictures of his soon to be beloved today. Instead, I will sit here and continue to stew in my own juices.
UPDATE: I did in fact get that shower and bounce to lunch with SalesRep. I saw pictures of his bride to be, very pretty girl. He seems so happy and excited! Of course, I had to ask if he got to test drive, which he did. Bringing a chick back from the Philippenes is somewhat like ripping the tag off a mattress, there is no taking that shit back. Hope it works out for him I was telling Mr. MBA about this and he said that I have got to stop my friend from going back in a couple of months. They will be waiting for him and he will wake up in a hotel bathtub, covered in ice, sans kidney with a phone taped to his hand, 911 on speed dial. Mr. MBA thinks that is what I should write about, make a movie where he goes on a murderous rampage to get back his kindney. He is convinced it has EVERYTHING, love, sex....and ninjas. You gotta have ninjas.....I think I will stick with writing about my vagina (vagninja? there is a joke there somewhere...)

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Sex Candy

Freakishly Tall Guy is sex candy. All empty calories, no good for you and you crash shortly thereafter. Then you want more....vicious cycle. I'm not sure how long this will sustain me, I will likely want something hearty and filling sooner or later. Sex shephard's pie. But until then, this is just fun. I had such a nice time with him. Some wine and conversation and then shamelessly engorging ourselves with sweet bites. (this could easily go graphic and gross, cream filling, gooey centers.....I am doing my best to resist the temptation.) Snacking on sugary treats rarely leads to anything good. By the time your real meal gets here, you aren't hungry.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Pretend Boyfriend

I had a very nice surprise this am. I was talking to San Fran (who now lives in Boulder, we are going to have to re-think the name)and he asked me to visit. I waffled, I am broke. As we were chitty chatting, I get a ticket confirmation in my inbox! He bought me a ticket to visit next weekend! It is no secret I have been feeling a bit raw lately. This is just what I needed. San Fran is the best pretend boyfriend! Opens doors, pays for everything, brushes the hair out of my eyes...nickname is The Donkey (*wink wink.) Hopefully, some TLC will put all that is wrong right again. Now I have to go get ready to go out with Freakishly Tall Guy. Sigh. No wonder I've been feeling raw, with that guy I am just raw meat.