Friday, February 11, 2011
I'm adamant that do-overs in relationships are always a very bad idea. Even so, I find myself in the middle of just that. As a threshold matter, whatever character flaws which caused you to dump them to begin with are likely still very present. This is what I am re-discovering with Big Love.
I wanted to believe the many promises he made to me while crying and begging me to come back. He went out with the Jew with a vengeance while we were split to humiliate me and hurt me. My hand made dining room table he promised me last Christmas was made and given to the Korean as her gift. Big Love does not understand why I am upset, actually angry that I do not see this as a "positive." He loved me so much he went ahead and made the table in spite of my leaving him. I replied, "You couldn't just buy her a Coach bag??" Yeah, I'm pissed. With tears in his eyes he promised to make me a better one as he now knows what he's doing.
Yesterday, I found the chairs I wanted on sale so I told him I would measure the chair heights to accommodate this amazing table, full of love which he was going to make for me. "Oh. I can't get around to that for months. Busy with work." Of course you are dick. I bought the table today. He is full of shit.
This is polyamory for you; do for yourself, be by yourself, live for yourself. He has broken his word on other critical issues but claims he never made such promises. Conveniently forgetful. In the meantime, I went to a club by myself...the same ones with the same people that he trotted the Jew in front of like the ugly horse faced show pony she is saying God knows what about me. I won't lie, I was nervous. Everyone was kind, compassionate...wondered where I had been. I faced yet another fear.
Oddly, I am just fine buying this table and going out alone because at least there is possibility. With Big Love the writing is on the wall. I want to do do all over this do-over.