Bad Fad

Never wanting to miss a fad, I was strangely fascinated by the Pleasure Wipes. Am I so old school that I think good hygiene and soap and water is enough to make my deep cavernous hole a tasty treat to men? If you ask me, my shit is tight and is very much like sucking on moonbeams or having an encounter with a mythical unicorn. Then again, what I know about men could fill a thimble and my opinion (sadly) doesn't matter. I was wondering if I was out of touch with pussy protocol, as if I were walking around with a 70s bush baby downtown...so I polled the posse. In my defense, 100% polled have never heard of a Pleasure Wipe. The women universally wondered how nasty does your shit have to be and what funk are you trying to cover to use them? With one exception, the men all prefer a woman to smell and taste like a woman. The exception, the very kinky Japanese guy I am friends with. He said, "VANILLA!!! I would be there for a day straight!" Of note was how often the men did mention they have had a disgusting encounter downtown where the Pleasure Wipe would have been of use. I am happy to say after my super scientific research that the fad is bad! Also at stake here, my personal well-being. One degree of separation from someone that obviously needs this level of personal cover-up is likely to have some bad ju ju going on. Bad ju ju=stinky spoo spoo. Nuff said.

Bondage Bonsai!

I am much more lucid today than last night. I met so many amazing people and had such a nice night. As I am rolling endless ears of corn in tin foil for the BBQ I am going to I can't help but think about how much I would like to be experiencing this weekend with someone special. I can be pretty cold and tough, but this BBFF not calling me thing has had me borderline weepy all week. He is a great guy, juxtaposed with Freakishly Tall Guy that wants to do some very filthy sexual activities with me. I am kinky for sure, but what he is suggesting pushes my boundaries. Sex parties, fetish clubs and threesomes! Oh my! What a lucky girl I am. I have some pretty purient sexual desires as is. What if I try these things and start to really really like them? I don't need to try crack to know I will likely enjoy it very much and become addicted. Why am I contemplating elevating Freakishly Tall Guy from Sex Candy to Sex Crack? It has proven impossible for me to find someone I want to be with. Imagine if I add, "turning me into Shibari Barbie" to the list of "must haves." I will be totally fucked! I have a week to decide. I need to leave and enjoy a weiner of an entirely different kind with the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Hope all of you are having as nice a holiday weekend as mine is shaping up to be.

Love, Sex and Ninjas

Day two no water....the saga continues. I have not showered since I got a little sugar in my bowl on Monday. As one might imagine, it is unpleasant to be around me. Eau de Two-Day-Old-Sex is not good for daytime. Sounds French, smells even Frencher. I have had to cancel meetings yesterday and today. Most disappointing as I was to have lunch with my buddy, SalesRep, that is getting a mail order bride. Yup, just got back from the Philippines and said some lucky lady would have a ring by the end of the year. God bless him, I wish it were that easy for me. SalesRep will be happy spending the rest of his life with a little spinner that cooks and cleans for him. Again, I envy that men are such easy to please creatures. Los Angeles is a fucked up place for men too, I sometimes forget. SalesRep is a catch by any standard. He is handsome, kind, hard working, successful and a wonderful father. He can't get a date to save his life. I am bummed I will not be getting the details of the process or see pictures of his soon to be beloved today. Instead, I will sit here and continue to stew in my own juices.
UPDATE: I did in fact get that shower and bounce to lunch with SalesRep. I saw pictures of his bride to be, very pretty girl. He seems so happy and excited! Of course, I had to ask if he got to test drive, which he did. Bringing a chick back from the Philippenes is somewhat like ripping the tag off a mattress, there is no taking that shit back. Hope it works out for him I was telling Mr. MBA about this and he said that I have got to stop my friend from going back in a couple of months. They will be waiting for him and he will wake up in a hotel bathtub, covered in ice, sans kidney with a phone taped to his hand, 911 on speed dial. Mr. MBA thinks that is what I should write about, make a movie where he goes on a murderous rampage to get back his kindney. He is convinced it has EVERYTHING, love, sex....and ninjas. You gotta have ninjas.....I think I will stick with writing about my vagina (vagninja? there is a joke there somewhere...)

Crossing my fingers I made it through to the next round

WHAT a fun night! I met the Editor and ABC Chick at Roosterfish in Venice. I met so many amazing people tonight! First, lets talk about the chick posse. Editor told me she was going to do some research and figure out how we were separated at birth. We like the same music, movies, authors...her father took her to see Freaks at age 9!!! Holy crap! ABC Chick is hilarious. Both of them are gorgeous, smart..funny as hell. What a delicious couple! Their gays, well...let's start with they are my people as a threshold matter. Editor and ABC Chick told them to be nice to me, so I think initially they were on their best behavior...then they met me. Gloves off! I was told that tonight was a litmus test and I could be voted off the island. Most of the gays were named Brad, that was my default...hey...er..Brad. Bound to be right 50% of the time. It was like coming home for me. Everyone is so nice at a gay bar! We danced (Madonna, Madonna, Madonna...what is that? A Madonna song!) I really felt bad when at one point I went to pee and smoke and got talking to a bunch of people outside. The Posse was worried about me! I said to the Editor, "I appreciate that..but did you think I would get raped here or something??" Funniest thing is boobs are boobs, everywhere you go. Gay men still love them and wanna touch them. I let this guy Michael grope one. Why not? He gave me the ultimate compliment, "if I were a woman I would want to be exactly you." Ultimately, I do so love my new girlfriends and am so grateful they opened their lives and friendships to me so willingly. It is so nice to be with real people. I suppose that is the underbelly of Los Angeles, that genuine people actually exist.
P.S. best version of this song was 1990 MTV vid awards...cannot find it ANYWHERE. I also believe it was Madonna's greatest moment ever. Yes, yoga moves are cool...but having a hot dancer lick up your skirt is way hotter. Let me know if you can find the vid to embed here. MUCH more amazing.

En Vino Veritas

What a lovely night with Doc!! So much love and gossip, I want to spin and spin and...ok that is gay. I told my 3rd Grad Spelling Partner that being around the Doc was like eating pudding; comfortable, familiar and filling. She said that analogy grossed her out and made her throw up a little in her mouth. Ok...like the blanket your grandma knit you, tucked in on the sofa. Acceptable. I love him. He is my partner in crime. I can tell him anything and vice verse. There are very few people I can tell my innermost secrets to that will not A. FREAK THE FUCK OUT or B. judge me. He told me about his recent happenings...bought a new house with his gf and moved last weekend. I guess there was the equivalent of four flights of stairs moving him in (he is uber engineer geek, with his PHD so he worked it out mathematically) and they had a ridiculous amount of stuff. The best part being by the end of the day the professional movers were EXHAUSTED and had to move his Stairmaster up these four flights of stairs. They bitched under their breath the entire time (why the fuck you gonna need this?) The men in the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse get a really bad rap sometimes. There are good men that lurk around these hallways and I am very lucky to count them as friends. I am warm with wine and lifelong friendship tonight.

Wouldn't you rather misbehave?

Mark Twain said he would like to go to Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company. I think that sums up Los Angeles pretty well. It is going to be another beautiful day (sunny and 70 every day, every day..oh the ennui.) Freakishly Tall Guy has sparked much conversation from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. MILFie asked me if it was the fact he is a porn producer or that he has several irons in the fire that bothers me. I have to say, it is a combination of both. First it is the caliber of the irons. I am living in a hep C free world and I like it. (Boy Gorgeous and I have had in-depth conversations and have decided this would be the worst STD to have. You would die and couldn't drink. Shudder.) Second, it would be like dating a gyno. How do you stand out from the pack? It is unnerving knowing you will be judged along side "professionals." I doubt I bring the same skill set and would be setting myself up for failure. I wouldn't try out for a professional dance company or rodeo...I would look like a fool and most likely hurt myself badly. But then comes the pull of the dark side.....I really need to get another hobby. I'm simply mad.....

Holiday! Celebrate!

This is more or less what the girl Kat looks like today. I was out drinking wine with Freakishly Tall Guy until the weeeeee hours of the morning and up early for my fucktacular job. Good thing I saved half of my crap sandwich from yesterday. I cannot properly express the gratitude I am feeling that it is a three day weekend. Doc is coming to visit next week (yay!!!!!) and I am going to use this weekend to clean and work out. I want my "Madonna Thighs" I had last summer back and the flat, two pack abs. Right now, I am sporting six pack abs...just not in the traditional sense (I keep my beer in there.) I hope this weekend holds a surprise or two. If not, I have an entire week of Judge Judy's to catch up on. Win win either way. Happy Memorial Day!

Big Wack Attack

Mr. MBA finally got around to watching The Wrestler and was pleasantly surprised there was some Marissa Torme boobage, and it was good. So good, he was repeatedly rubbing one out. Pausing the movie for a little recovery time, then going at it again. When I spoke to him last night, he said he was dehydrated from the marathon masturbation session and was taking a break to run to the Sev and get some Gatorade and carbs so he could continue on into the night. He was "shooting sawdust" according to him. I do love my friends and their commitment to a higher purpose.

won't you take me to...Cougartown!

As you get farther from the epicenter of Hollywood cool, the age at clubs goes up and the atmosphere goes down. This is certainly the case at the Arena Sports Bar and Grill in Simi Valley. The interior is like a poor man's TGI Fridays and the crowd, well....like a low rent cast of Real Housewives of Orange County. I was the youngest Cougar in the Cougar Bar. I went to see a band that was comprised of a bunch of my engineers from a customer. They were fantastic! Rocked the house and got all the old folks shaking their bones. I met SexualChocolate and Duke there...couple of young hottie potatties like them....they might as well have been wearing chum underpants. Insert Jaws theme song and imgaine a pack of circling Cougars. It is a miracle they weren't raped like Jodi Foster in that movie, there were pool tables there so it might have been a very accurate re-enactment.
It seems whenever we go out, we end up taking care of someone. Last time this band played, we spent the evening babysitting HottieEsq (we are no longer friends, more on that another time) when she had a seizure. That is what happens when you don't take your drugs......This time our friend was heartbroken and chose to drown her sorrows in alcohol (the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems-Homer Simpson.) She was ripshit fucked up by the time we got there at 8pm. So, here was the defining event; she had reconnected with her ex-husband via Facebook and started having a torried affair with him. He was currently married with children. In what one would suspect was a pang of guilt, he broke it off with her via email. Now I am a very pain-adverse human being. I do not need to touch a flame to see if it is hot. Additionally, there is the karmic code which dictates that you don't mess with another woman's man. Why do we go down a path which we know is ultimately going to cause us undue pain? You don't need a crystal ball to know this is going to end badly. I have another friend doing the very same thing right now. I want to slap these women and tell them to snap out of it! In the best of circumstances relationships are really hard and painful by nature. Why would one choose to begin one on a foundation of quick sand? In order to keep our friend from driving home, Duke threw himself on the fire and took one for the team. He danced with her while we tried to sober her up for the drive home. SexualChocolate and I were laughing as we could see he was being violated repeatedly (good thing the dance floor was on the other side of the bar from the pool tables.) We made her stay for a couple of hours drinking 7 and Jacks (hold the Jack.) This week, I noticed she had changed her status on Facebook to, in a relationship, it's complicated. That it is......
Ps. I know Brooke Hogan is not officially a cougar. I couldn't help but to publish this pic. I can't decided if she looks more like a cougar or a tranny....

I'm the Stalker

Another Saturday morning nursing a wicked hangover. Spent the night drinking and gossiping with some of the knitting members of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse. Good times! That is until I woke up this morning of course. Haven't chatted with the Screenwriter much over the last couple of days.....he accused me of being stalkery and unhealthy (mentally.) Guess I am guilty as charged. I just haven't met anyone I like this much in a while. I don't know if it is a bonus that he is level headed or if that will be my downfall. I will just try to chillax and enjoy the ride. Y'all know how hard that is for me. My stalker tendencies are also fueled by the fact I just really want to get laid. As many of you are aware, it has been quite a while for our girl Kat here. I am hoping the phrase "use it or lose it" does not apply to my little bean. I suppose I should appreciate his desire to take things slow in order to ensure we are a good match on every level. If you look at the contents of this blog, I clearly am no expert on developing relationships so I should defer to his better judgement. I tend to get myself in trouble by jumping in with my eyes closed so I will do my best to be patient and let whatever is going to happen happen. Why is that so difficult? I don't want to fuck up something that could be good by rushing in and I don't want to get into something bad (again) either. Oh dear.....time will tell. Speaking of bad, I saw Mantits with his new gf (ahem) going to the grocery store last weekend. Wow, she is naschty!!! Heavy, mom jeans, out of control hair, no make-up....I honestly would have mistaken her for a dyke if I saw her out. He sure traded up didn't he?? Is it wrong that I derive so much pleasure from that? One of his parting jabs of, "do you think you can do better than me?? Do you?!?!" And my response of, "I have and I will." went through my head when I saw him. HA! I bet he made her pay for half of the groceries. Cheap bastard as well. Mr. Fantastic noted that our relationship was so Dutch, we should be wearing wooden shoes. "You only dated me for my money!" I will try to remember this monumental mistake when I am getting impatient with the Screenwriter. Serenity now.

Deeep thoughts...............

Ruthless: Ever see women keep their clothes on once porn music is playing? Oh hell no...Larry the plumber stops by for a clogged drain...porn music plays. WHAMMO...clothes gone, and Larry got lucky.

Ruthless: Oh what's that? You are at work...its a long day. Tiffany stops by to give you a quick backrub and in poor dialogue, tells you how you are an asset to her as an employee...BAM. porn music starts, and suddenly..she's nekkid on her desk and you are earning a promotion.

Ruthless: I am telling you. I need to start a band that plays nothing but porn music. We'd be bigger than the Beatles!..

This is an IM convo with my buddy Ruthless. He has a bumper sticker on his car that says, "Porn. It's cheaper than dating." The icing on the cake is he usually is wearing a cap that says, "Porn Star" on the front. I really want to know how men accomplish anything. Clearly, this is an idea to which he has dedicated much gray matter. I am sure I have lost most of the male readers at this point as they are fixated on the Tiffany/backrub/promotion thing. On the positive side, we haven't seen each other in a while and here is his response to my recent picture I sent him;

Ruthless: that's you? holy fuck...you keep getting hotter and hotter and younger and younger looking. i hope the devil got as good a deal; "ok devil, i get..eternal beauty...you get...to see my tits anytime you want!"

Awwww! Couldn't think of a more flattering comment. I love you men. You cannot fake that simplistic honesty. I suppose this is telling of how desperate I am....this was the highlight of my day. Ok Filthy and Gorgeous posse, I am going to struggle to stay awake until my shuttle comes in two hours and fourty minutes. Hopefully I will sleep my way to Chicago. By the way, if anyone hears from Boy Gorgeous please let me know. He is MIA and I am becoming quite worried. Love you, Kat

Britney Made My Day

Yes, the Britney obsession continues. She did not disappoint me at the VMAs last night as she was a fucking mess. Not only does Perez Hilton have a close-up of her hand which shows she is missing finger nails, she once again gave the paparazzi another cookie shot on her way back from the shitastic performance. Only thing that would have improved her performance for me is if here weave fell out or her dancers were dressed like Cheetos. Good times! I find this absolutely delicious.
Had a train wreck of a Saturday night myself with HottieEsq and Knitstah Closed down Mexicali. I met someone who is almost old enough to be my father. He is a partner in a decent law firm in LA according to HottieEsq, probably pulling a mil a year. He is not bad looking, Norwegian (the chosen people) and seemed to have a good personality. Can I be arm candy? HottieEsq is urging me to go out with him and get some SWAG. I have long said that I missed out in my youth and should have scored a sugar daddy when I had a chance. Seems that I have that chance now, and I just don't think I can do it. I have flashes of Samantha from Sex in the City making a mad dash to the door when she saw the billionaire's old man ass. I can see myself doing that. How badly do I not want to work? Can you do it with someone that is as old as your parents? I cannot imagine introducing this guy to my friends and family. I have been very grossed out when people have mistaken me as my dad's girlfriend when we have been together. I am not sure I could handle the knowing looks from other people. Would be nice to have that Mercedes convertible I have always wanted. I ain't saying I'm a gold digger......What do y'all think?

San Diego

I am exhausted and I am beginning another hell week of work. I spent the weekend with Boy Gorgeous exploring San Diego. He noted that the two of us, with a pile of cash in the Gas Lamp district is a very dangerous combination. Friday night, we went to the Del Mar racetrack to see one of my favorite bands play, Cake. It was crowded and expensive. We couldn't really see the band let alone hear them. Somewhat disappointing and I dropped $150 bucks. Awoke Saturday morning and went to breakfast....at 8am $2 bloody Mary's were sounding pretty good. We drank a couple of those, then proceeded to bar hop having a beer at each bar. We ended up at a place called the Bitter End. There was some kid there about to ship off to Iraq
(I seriously got emotional, he looked like a BABY) and we decided some shots of Petron were in order. In the meantime, the bartender was a raging BITCH. I made a joke about fist fighting BG after doing a shot and the bartender cut me off. It was a JOKE sister! She then went off on a long diatribe about what the responsibilities of being a professional bartender are and how seriously she takes them. To the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse; in the event I ever start taking myself that seriously, just bitch slap me. You aren't saving lives here lady! Of course, I began to get lippy, told BG that I would be tipping her .99 which was a waste of .99. She was the WORST bartender ever, and she overheard me saying so. We decided to bounce and as I was paying the bill, I felt a tap on my shoulder from security asking if I had a problem with the bill (which I was in the process of signing) and I said no, I had a problem with the bartender. He politely asked us to leave, funny because that was just what we were doing at the time. Dumb bitch cost herself a bit .99. They should call the bar the Bitter Bitch instead of the Bitter End. We began to walk back to where we were staying and the Petron started kicking in for both of us. We decided a nap was in order so we could meet Sexual Chocolate out later. We went back about 6pm and took a nap, waking up at 1:30 in the morning. We accidentally blew SC off for which I sincerely apologize. Sunday morning we went for breakfast when I tallied up the cost of the weekend; $80 dog sitter, $100 bucks train fare, $100 bucks cash gone, $150 bucks spent at Del Mar, $80 bucks at the Bitter Bitch, $400 lost sunglasses and there were some other various expenses along the way. Will have to pace myself on these San Diego weekends, my wallet and most importantly my liver, cannot handle too many of them. My diet starts today as well as my alcohol rehabilitation program.

That Guy

Last night Boy Gorgeous had a wild hair so we decided to kick it at the Chimney Sweep. My new BFF HottieEsq showed up with her "special friend" in tow. I have commented to BG on multiple occasions that we kill each other's action more than we realize when we go out. Last night, we ran into the Musician again. He appeared high, is bone thin (think heroin addict), his drawers held up only by a well worn belt cinched tight. He and I talked for a bit and he told me he has been hitting on me every time he has seen me there but I am always with "THAT guy." As attractive as the prospect of cuddling up to what I imagine would be the equivalent to spooning with a bag of hangers would be, I more enjoyed his characterization of BG as "THAT guy." We got a good laugh out of that and BG embraced his new title. As "THAT guy" he worked his magic on HottieEsq. When he turns on the charm and sticks his pinkie out, he can be quite irresistible. We drank a lot and HottieEsq was getting a little unsteady on her feet. She got Fatburger into her head, and left with her "special friend" to do whatever drunk grown-ups do together. BG and I closed that bar after what is always a fun and memorable time together. He was very hung over this morning. I got a message that HottieEsq left for me last night, "Thanks to you, I am going to be having mundane sex. Thanks for nothing!" Hopefully we will fare better tonight; going to Firefly with HottieEsq, Knitstah and Mr. Katt. Anything can (and usually does) with that boy around, should be good times.

How Kat Gets her Point of View Back

The thing about being sick is not having anything to talk about. I have been BORED out of my skull over the last couple of weeks. I have said it before and I will say it again, you never feel as single as you do when you are sick. To top it off, it has been so fucking hot here in the valley. It was 96 INSIDE my apartment last weekend with the air conditioner going. I have been reduced to living in the living room as my bedroom is even hotter than the surface of the sun. I have not seen the interior of that room for three weeks. I open the door and throw my clean/dirty laundry in there. Add a fever on top and that is some good times my friends. I am trying to get back to my life....still have a cough and sore throat and no energy, it is tough. Last Wednesday, I had some of the Posse over for the 4th which was fun. Boobalicious came first which was awesome...we got to talk for awhile alone, and she put on a bathing suit (wowsa!! I am not jealous, really...) Sexual Chocolate showed up in his "black by popular demand" t-shirt. Boy Gorgeous rolled in over two hours late, personal bottle of wine in hand. We bbqed and drank and some of my neighbors joined us. All in all, it was a very nice day. As the sun set, I noticed a certain sizzle occurring between BG and my neighbor. BG was prancing around like a drunk peacock (emphasis on cock) and surprised us both with making a muscle, "here is the thunder" and then ripping open his shirt, "and here is the lightening!!!" Upon closer inspection I could see he had shaved a lightening bolt out of his chest hair. God I love him. I slipped away and let whatever was going to happen happen. I spoke to BG the next morning, and he was calling my neighbor the wrong name. I think it is true love.

Friday we went to the track which was a blast. I was the designated driver which limited my ability to take part in the dollar beers. A crime really. We ran into my old boss who was there for a party and I met a boy. The Metro called him a douchbag (I think every other word out of his mouth was douchebag all night). BG thought he was pretty cool because he played a mean game of flip cup (which outweighed the fact he quoted Old School like three times in the course of the convo.) I did not give Hermosa my phone no but told him he could get it from my boss. We will see just how badly he wants to go out with me. Ended up in very cramped, hot and crowded bars in Santa Monica. The Metro was getting lippy and I was afraid we were going to end up in a fist fight. I drank three Red Bulls which came back to haunt me at 3:30 am when I was trying to sleep. Live and learn, this designated driver bullshit is a first for me.

Tomorrow is going to be a hella day of work but my reward will be having dinner with Skeptic (my fuck buddy that won't fuck me, there are more details here which I will save for another time) and then I start my creative writing class at UCLA. I am scared being a co-ed again!! Do I bust out my plaid skirt? Tie up my shirt? Where do I get those pink fuzzy pony tail holders that Britney had?

Sobriety

I am sick, again. Went out with Boy Gorgeous, Sexual Chocolate and the Metro last Friday and partied until the wee hours of the morning. Woke up Saturday SICK AS A DOG. It is Thursday, and I have barely left the house all week. I have a deep and resonant hack which is disgusting. I have had a fever, sore throat and no energy. My house is a mess. My dogs are bundles of house bound energy. I have more dirty clothes than clean at this point (don't worry, I ran out and bought some more yesterday.) I am incredibly behind in my work. I have been having nightmares. All in all, it has sucked to be me of late. Today is day six of my sobrierity. It is sad to say, I cannot remember the last time I have not drank in six consecutive days. I have cut my smoking in half in anticipation of quitting on Monday (I started my quit smoking medication and it takes two weeks for it to hit critical mass in my system and makes me barf.) Can it be that I am finally going down the path to self-improvement? I have to do this, I have a picture of myself in my head....a few years down the line being Selma or Patty (Marge's chain smoking, Matlock watching, bitter, Iguana loving, terminally single sisters from the Simpsons.) The crazy thing is even though I am still really sick, I am being very productive. I knit an entire shrug last night. A little bit of finishing and blocking to do.....but a sweater in one night?? Unheard of. Well my friends, don't anticipate seeing me any time soon. I am holed up and not leaving until I am a healthy, sober, non-smoker with fourteen new sweaters. Take it from me, it is better this way.

Things that make you go hmmm.....

So, I was telling my friend about my experience at the market last week when I purchased a pregnancy test, beer and cigs.....my friend is a Dom and he had a similar experience at Save On. He checked out with his items in this order; scented candle (beep), clicky lighter (beep), bottle of wine (beep), box of condoms (knowing glance from clerk with approving head nod, beep), 100 feet of rope (pause, review previous items, cuts him a look.) Who says romance is dead?

Knocked Up???

Monday, I saw the movie Knocked Up with Sexual Chocolate and it got me to thinking.....when the hell was my last period? I mean, I cannot remember and this movie fed all of my fears about getting hooked up for life with a loser. In my movie, he is a loser when I meet him and an even bigger loser when I get to know him. No happy ending here. If you want to raise some eyebrows, do what I just did. I just went across the street to the grocery store and bought a pregnancy test. On my way to the check out, I grabbed a six pack (a girl has to pee right??) Finally when I get up to the clerk I ask for a pack of cigs. The black chick behind me looks at my stuff, looks at me, looks at my stuff, cuts me a look. The unmistakable stink eye!! The clerk had about the same reaction, beer (beep), pregnancy test (beep, glance up, pause, connecting dots), request for cigarettes (condescending scowl). I wanted to scream, "Oh yeah, I could be my baby's mamma....but I am not gonna keep it! It has a date with a drain!!!" But I didn't. I hung my head and felt the burn of judgement on the back of my head. I mean, why do the commercials for pregnancy tests always show a happy woman (with a wedding ring, ALWAYS. Start looking for it and you will see what I mean. Diaper commercials too.) over the moon because she peed on a stick and got a happy face. Bun in the oven, Yay!!! I mean, in reality it is someone like me.....chugging beer, chain smoking and making deals with God....please please please noooooooooo!!!! I don't want to be stuck with this douche bag for the rest of my life!! This would not be a joyful event for me. I may go sacrifice a chicken prior to peeing on a stick. Can't hurt to play both sides. Wish me luck.

Playing Possum

Last week, a woman I know told me she is getting divorced after many years of marriage and asked me how I go about meeting guys. I launched into stories of my recent attempts at meeting men in all kinds of situations and was met with much laughter from the audience, except for the soon to be divorced woman. I looked at her and I felt badly as I MADE HER CRY! Hey, it is tough out there and the sooner she knows the reality of the situation the better. You have to develop an armadillo exterior if you want to get into the dating scene in SoCal. Even your girl Kat here has recently retreated a bit into her dog/knitting/friend world because the rejection was getting a bit rough for me as well. Not quite armadilloesque, more like a possum curled up in a self-protective ball. My Mojo is broken and rather than push this issue, I have decided to take a step back and wait out the storm. As we all know, the ineffable thing called "mojo" ebbs and flows. In the meantime, I have been very productive. Finished another sweater this weekend. Boy Gorgeous and I have decided to do a little experiment this month, no drinking. None. We are going to scientifically evaluate this experiment on these criterion; fat loss, money saved, frame of mind and general feeling of well-being. I am not so sure how I am going to do this month as I am a bit of an alcoholic (OK, OK, FULL BLOWN). I have done the math in the past, if I quit drinking beer, I would lose 187 lbs. in one year. This is going to be rough. I suppose going through alcohol withdrawl will keep my mind off of the fact that my pretend boyfriend is now unemployed with a real girlfriend and I have a fuck buddy that won't fuck me. Sigh, it is always something. Curling up in a ball and waiting for it to be safe again seems like a good idea to me.

Bar Star!

Over hump day, Praise Jesus! Tuesday was another day trip to Vegas and yesterday, drove over 400 miles between 6:30 when I left and 7:30 pm when I got home. I am genuinely dog tired. I will overcome the fatigue because I have earned my Thursday night happy hour! Boy Gorgeous, Mr. Fantastic and Sexual Chocolate are all going to help ease in the holiday weekend with me tonight at Mr. F's "place" El Torito at the Galleria. (place is in quotes because BF and I give Mr. F loads of shit for having a chain restaurant as your "place". My place is Firefly or Stanleys.....we could even rock the Pineapple Hill or Chimmney sweep. Not like I am saying, hey let's go to my "place," you know McDonalds on the blvd.) I love my boys and don't get to spend as much time with them as we once did. Sigh, stupid jobs get in the way.

Moment of note this week, my friend Dragon Lady sent me this text;

I had a check up 2 day. I tested positive 4 sexy! I'm allergic 2 haters. My blood type is baller. And dats y I'm hot!

*LOVE* her! I have to say, I love black women. I wish I had the confidence and sass that most of the black women I have known have. Dragon Lady certainly fits my "racial profiling" of black women. Strong, beautiful, independent, confident.......what a cool chick! Snaps to my sis that I know lurks around the Dating Misanthrope hallways. Love you girl!

Other moment of the week, my boss missed his train out of Santa Barbara yesterday so we went wine tasting in Backwards country. I bought two matching t-shirts that say; "Be Happy! Drink Pinot Noir" and have a giant happy face on the front with a red pinot mustache. I will be sending the larger one to my dad for Father's Day but the REAL gift will be when I go visit him next and go wine tasting in the foothills. We will be ROCKING our matching Daddy/Daughter shirts which should be quite embarrassing for him. There will be much humiliation and many many incriminating pictures. I cannot wait!

I am off to trot the hounds and make myself presentable for the handsome sect of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse. Time to transform from the Dating Misanthrope to the Bar Star!