Monday, May 21, 2007

Pushing up daisies


It is Monday in what is going to prove to be yet another brutal work week. Although I pretty much worked on making a deeper ass depression on my sofa this weekend, I am still exhausted today. I finished knitting a sweater that has been the bane of my existence so there is a sort of sense of accomplishment about that, however, I did not get out there and meet anyone. San Fran did not call me once this weekend, which is unusual. As I mentioned, I had a sense that my pretend boyfriend was going to be somebody else's real boyfriend. I am strangely sad about this. To top it off, I have been really really dizzy. I have been feeling like I did when I had vertigo....I stand up or bend over and the room starts to spin. Of course, me being the alarmist, I am convinced that I am having an aneurysm because I am over 35 and taking the pill and insist of continuing smoking. This brings me back to my biggest fear about living alone; if I were to die, how long would it take somebody to find me? As my closest friends know, I have devoted a lot of time and energy to this topic. I lay awake at night turning all of the possible scenarios in my head. In all possible outcomes, one week is the longest I would go. Being in field sales, I am really not expected to be anywhere at any time. Monday through Friday there is no accountability for my time. I figure, the only time I have to be somewhere is on our Monday conference call. So, let's assume the very worst case......this morning I get on my con call and then immediately keel over afterward. Who would miss me? My friends might wonder why I have been so difficult to reach. My boss might be pissed that I am not picking up my phone or answering his emails. My neighbors may wonder about the odd smell coming from my apartment. My parents wouldn't miss me as we do not have any set schedule for talking. The red flags wouldn't start to hit until next Monday when I did not get on my con call. Would my dogs start to eat me? This is my greatest fear (along with being pushed onto the 3rd rail of the El in Chicago,) which my friends think is bordering on insanity. Several years ago, I saw a news story about a skeleton that was found in England. It was seated in a Lazy Boy in front of a television clasping the remote control. The TV was on and there was a Christmas tree with lights lit. Authorities determined that the man had been dead for over ten years, TEN YEARS! They determined the approximate date of death as the skeleton had a TV guide open in his lap which told the date. The only way he was found is his government check, which was direct deposited, finally missed a date so his rent check, which was direct withdrawal, hit and bounced. This story feeds a dark place which does not need much encouragement. I rubbed the noses of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse in this story (who said I was crazy and morbid)....look, this REALLY happened! This is a valid fear for those of us that are single and live alone.

5 comments:

Duke said...

I don't believe that story. Dead for that amount of time, but still had a working TV and lights.

I guess you should think about having a normal booty call or something on Fridays, that will make sure you're looked for if you don't show up.

If that is not going to work for you, I've heard stories of people's pets dailing 911. You should maybe think about teaching your dogs how to call emergency response.

LA Woman said...

Hmmm, standing Friday night booty call....I can't get a date with a normal guy and somehow you think I could get a regular booty call. Bless you Duke. And, that was a story in the Chicago Trib. My TV is over ten years old and all of his bills were automatically paid. Finally, I have had to hire a dog shrink to get my dogs to not be such feral beasts, somehow I don't think I can teach them to dial a phone.

senorsmooth said...

There was a guy recently who was found dead in his chair, I think in Germany, after 7 years. It's amazing how long you can go without being missed. Waht you need sweetie is a porn buddy. I had one when I was single. You check up on each other now and then and if you die, they come over before the cops and your parents show up and remove all the twisted porn and sex toys. Every single person needs a porn buddy. Best to make that person your ICE (in case of emergency) contact too.

LA Woman said...

That used to be YOU doc! Why did ya have to move?? I did review this with my boss yesterday and he pointed out that they all FREAKED out when I lost my phone a couple of months ago and couldn't get in touch with me. He assured me I would be missed right away and not allowed to rott in my apartment serving as dog chow. I love that man!

Duke said...

I'll be your porn buddy.