Thursday, July 19, 2007
I think I have hit rock bottom and then I re-establish where the bottom is. First, I was accused of stealing this coke head's credit card Saturday. I have never stolen as much as a Bonnie Bell Lip Smacker from Walgreens in my life. I think it is time to reevaluate what you are doing when A. you are communicating with a coke head at all and B. you are being called a thief by one. Wrong on all levels. Next wake up call was when I had it out with my meth head neighbor. As we were arguing about him getting another male pit bull (his last dog was hit by a car and killed about a week ago; an untrained, unleashed and uncut male pit bull with a tweeker as an owner living in my building. That isn't dangerous at all is it?) As we are arguing, I am looking at his apartment. It is SPOTLESS. As a matter of fact, it is so clean it sparkles. My place is a pit. An absolute disaster. The tweeker is cleaner than I am. As I am walking back to my apartment I am thinking maybe I should start to do meth. My phone is ringing when I walk into my place and it is my mom. She had just been watching a documentary on drug use and was calling me to make me PROMISE I will not try meth even once (WTF??? can that woman read my mind from 2200 miles away??) I hate myself. I have been studying these bruises from Saturday night, and they scare me. I can make out distinct finger prints on my forearm. The bruise on my bicep is totally black and sick looking, I look like a crack whore. I have NO idea what could possibly cause the bruising patterns on my legs. Frankly, the scenarios I have been creating in my head are all unpleasant. My world is all topsy turvy and I am not digging on it. I have to figure out where I went wrong here and how do I extricate myself from these situations. As Homer Simpson says, "Alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." My recent retreat into sick isolation and knitting has not been enough. I think I am going to go back into my hole and emerge only when I feel good about myself. I know today I think this is rock bottom, but on an intellectual level I know these are just a taste of things to come if I don't do things differently. I can fall farther.