Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Get in, get off and GET OUT!

My reward for my long and grueling day of work was meeting up with the ever gloomy and doomy Skeptic tonight. I drove over the hill to have dinner with him prior to my class. We walked to a local bbq joint and ordered a feast of meat....an embarassment of animal fleshy riches even by this midwestern girl's standards. I have to admit that there is something quite interesting to me about his Eyoresque manner. I find it hot really. We were discussing the class I was starting tonight and when I asked if I looked all co-edy he just said, "nope. You look like a chick that is pushing 40 and taking a class." I know I should have been pissed but I just laughed. To make matters worse, I think he really means these things he says to me. We had a nice dinner and got back to his place with only an hour until my class started. It is always awkward for me around him. I never know what to do. No kiss hello or goodbye, no physical contact until it gets physical. I don't know the rules on how to behave with a fuck buddy. I am a newby. I milled around his apartment while he flossed animal matter out from between his teeth, noticing he has an entire shelf of his book case dedicated to Darwinism. I commented on this. He claims he still does not have his mojo back but wanted to make sure I left a satisfied customer. I think it really upset him when he discovered I slept with someone else. It is bizarre. We haven't had sex for over three months, we are not in a relationship, he seems completely and totally disinterested and then he lays the guilt trip on me. The first time, I bought into this. The second time he started up with this topic I went off on him, "It is not my fault you are the WORST FUCK BUDDY EVER! I was afraid my little bean was going to dry up and fall off and I had to take matters into my own hands! Step it up and put out!" Much to my surprise, this tatic worked and we made the date for tonight. So, in response to his claim that he still was lacking his mojo, I ripped my top open (was wearing this uber cool cowgirl shirt that snaps down the front, perfect for dramatic stripping.) I ripped his pants off and got down to business. I looked at him with an evil grin and told him, "I think I have found your mojo." More clothes went flying and then a mad dash for the bed. Lots of skin, rolling around, kissing. Quite delicious until we went for the condom. FUCKING CONDOMS. (Many of you may remember where the last condom we used ended up as you were on the receiving end of my frantic phone calls looking for extraction techniques from my deep cavernous hole.) The moment and the mojo was lost due to some ill-fitting condoms purchased off of the internet. DAMMIT! Time was ticking away and fortunately for me, he did his duty for God and (forgive me for this TERRIBLE pun) Cunty. I punctuated the romp with a whole-hearted, "Oh God!!" to which he replied, "There is no God. That is why I have the whole shelf on Darwinism." So on that note, I did what I always do with him, jump up, kiss him on the forehead, get dressed and collect my wares so I can bounce. At the door he apologized and reiterated that he has lost his mojo. I told him it was just a matter of having more time and I would be happy to come back over the weekend to complete my task. Then he got weird. Something to the effect that I want more (duh!) Contextually, I took this as I was pushing him for more relationship interaction and I told him, "Hey, I have never expected more than sex from you. This is what it is and I don't want more." At that moment, mercifully, my phone rang and I picked it up. I gave him a quick peck on the forehead and started talking on the phone and walked away. I am pretty sure I heard him say, "I'll call you!" What is it with the push me pull you thing that gets us going?? Why is this hot? How are you supposed to behave with a fuck buddy? I cannot imagine being cooler than me in this situation. I enjoy the moment for what it is and go about my business. Now, I am sitting in the ultimatte bachlorette outfit; camo sweat shorts, berkenstocks and a leopard tank top. Why would I want a guy around that would fuck up this look? Get in, get off and GET OUT! I think that is the fuck buddy etiquette lesson du jour.


RonDiggity said...

My experience in fuck buddy etiquette is that it should be completely guilt free on both, um, ends. As soon as you or the other notices that you require more commitment, I have historically just ended it, knowing that the relationship would always be defined by sex and not much else.

Internet condoms?

LA Woman said...

I agree. Since Skeptic has lost his Mojo he has offered to go to dinner etc. with me. I have said, point blank to him, that I already have friends and he exists in my world for one purpose only. He will talk to me about his hopes, fears etc. and I will cut him off with a, "whoa! Slow that roll, this is getting too "relationshipy" for my tastes." And internet condoms....he claims he never had consistant enough sex to develop brand loyality so he buys these mixed packs off of the internet. It is like a bag of multi-colored jelly beans. I don't get it either. I am a chick and even I have a box of (hereto untouched) condoms in my night stand. Worst fuck buddy ever.

sc said...

16 year old kids who are too embarrassed to go into the drug store and pick up a pack of condoms are the ones who buy them online. What's a grown ass man afraid of? The girl at the counter knowing he's getting laid?

Things worked out for him though, he bought dinner, brought you back to his place, got a blowjob, and sent you on your way. Works for me.

Want to grab dinner tonight?

LA Woman said...

Worked out better for him than you know....I bought dinner.

sc said...

Damn! Where are we going? Will you pick me up too?

Duke said...

I'd at least pay for dinner if I knew sex was for dessert.

As for the condom thing, that's just stupid. You go to the pharmacy, there are like 4 major bands...pick one, they last quite a while before they expire. In the words of Russell Peters, "Be a man!"