Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Millionaire I Never Got to Know


Is it a prerequisite if you are a guy to be retarded or mentally ill to join EHarmony? I am beginning to think that is the case. I had a date with another douche I met there, the Snake Oil Salesman. After our first meeting, my Spidey senses were tingling that something was just not right. He wasn't what he was portraying himself to be. His resume read like the phone book; many disparate and weird job done for short periods of time. His current job, although legal, struck me as one step above a loan shark. He sells $500 computers to people that do not have credit for $2000. He drank a ton and told me the previous weekend he had done X and blow all weekend. Icky. I decided to trust my gut and never go out with this guy again. Sissy went off on me and remarked that I never have anything positive to say, that a guy is not their job, sometimes I should just go out and see if something will develop over time......tough love from Sissy. So The Snake Oil Salesman called me up and asked me out again and, with Sissy's stern chastising in mind, I said yes. We went for sushi and I didn't eat much as my tummy was upset. The bill came and there was this very awkward silence as I waited for him to pick it up
(I didn't eat!!) and apparently he was waiting for me to pick it up. I am never good in these situations, so I just ate the bill. We went to the Chimney Sweep and had some beers. He drank about three to every one I had. As we talked, I found out he still lives at home, owes a ton of money from a failed t-shirt business, never graduated from college (only had one credit to go), makes $10 an hour (no wonder he didn't reach for the bill, fucking scrub,) and various other facts which I found incompatible with my Prince Charming ideal. On the way home, he said that he felt I had a wall up. I told him, in the most gentle fashion, that I felt we were in two different places blah blah blah. He began to sob. Yes. SOB. I listened to him carry on for a bit until I said that I was leaving. I mean, I have NO idea how to deal with crying. I told HottieEsq when babies cry I offer them a twenty to shut up. Rarely works. I was having trouble with my gate key and he got out of the car and helped me. Once he opened the gate, he refused to give me my keys back and began berating me. After about twenty minutes of this, I told him I would call the cops if he didn't give my keys back. He complied by whipping them into the bushes. Picture me, in a dress and platforms fishing my keys out of the bushes in the pitch black. Good times. He wouldn't leave my courtyard either. Had to threaten to call the cops again. He left. My phone was ringing as I walked up the stairs, it was him. He left the message, "when you blog about me, you should title it the Millionaire I never got to know." Done.

3 comments:

SC said...

You let your potential sugar daddy meal ticket walk away? What the hell is wrong with you Kat, this was the big score you've been looking for!

Duke said...

You should have replied to that message with "Yeah, because I wastied my time with a looser like you instead of a millionaire!"

Duke said...

Upon thinking about this further, I think you are not allowed to choose your matches anymore. Let someone else like SC choose for you because you just can't pick them.