Thursday, December 28, 2006

I will survive


Post Christmas hangover.....too much partying, too much food, too much "quality" family time, too many bills. I blew so much cash I will have to date for food after this holiday season. Right now, I just want to sit and savor the silence of my single life in my squalid apartment. Initially, going into the holiday, I was sitting on the pity pot. I will admit, I was feeling sorry for myself that I would be, once again, single for another Christmas. Going downtown Chicago, watching couples hold hands and look at the department store windows only exacerbated my sense of isolation. A funny thing happened over my vacation, I got to hang out with my married friends. They are all more or less unhappy in their relationships and are living vicariously through me. One of my friends, Chip was questioning me about my "relationship intelligence" and determined that I am at least seven years away from being able to commit to anyone (his methodology was arbitrary, drunk and unscientific at best. I took this with a grain of salt.) One of my best friends took it a step further and questioned weather or not marriage is ever a desired outcome. These people have what I have been aiming for as my "golden ticket" and they are miserable. I am free. I am dating great men. I am having fun. I do not have to deal with men's fucked up bullshit. I kiss. I have amazing sex. Can it be that wrong? I do what I want, when I want. This is really making me sit down and take stock of my goals and objectives. What am I striving for here? I have great friends. I have a family that I cherish. I have men that love my company and take me out......I have mind blowing sex. Are we really meant to partner with one person? As I mulled that concept today while travelling back to LA I got three sets of digits en route. Maybe this was the gift I have been looking for all of my adult life. The realization that it is great to be single. My life doesn't suck. Among the many tangible gifts I lugged through ORD and LAX I brought a light and highly portable epiphany; I am in a great place. I hope my Filthy and Gorgeous posse knows how much I appreciate them on a daily basis. I don't have to wait for Christmas to receive presents, I am blessed every single day of the year. I love you guys. Merry Christmas!

3 comments:

Debra said...

And I will survive as well...
It is no different here in Vancouver...plenty of players...fakes and losers....waiting to decieve....so we lament....and we survive...
We keep striving and hoping for the best...I just may follow in your footsteps yet girl...I do grow weary of being played...maybe I should become the player...? Although against my nature but it seems that I am almost bieng forced to join the forces...can't bear another liar...cheater..player etc. So...maybe 2007 will be all about taking charge...taking control finally! And for you guys that whine about women bieng players...well...remember this..maybe it is the circle of life...hmmm? Something to think about...

On the lighter side...I hope for better things in the new year..but as I type this my gal pal who owns this page is having a great time tonight...while I am here...alone...makes me think she is right....play on!!

Happiest of New Years Girlfriend!
May we someday share a martini or two and have a good laugh!!

Till then we lament...lol...

All the best,
Debra

LA Woman said...

Happy New Year to you too my dear friend Deb! I am hopeful that you do take charge this year and fill that pipeline!!! Muah!! Kat

Duke said...

Reading this makes me want to ask one question: Are the things you are looking for really something you believe in or is it something that has been instilled by your upbringing? I know that the teaching of parents and your friends from childhood have a huge impact on how you can perceive how your life should be or what you need to be happy. The important thing here is to really sit down and think about what you need for yourself. I can say from my personal experience that most of what I have believed was a product of how I was raised. Knowing what I know now through experience, I see that I really didn't need everything I was raised to believe I needed.

Knowing yourself and loving yourself should be the first and most important thing here. Everything else is up to you on the order of importance.