I am an Asshole

I just spent four and a half hours of my life trying to get my Linksys wireless adapter to make my fucking ON DEMAND! work. I have been sober for the last month. Seriously. Sober. Being bounced from Direct TV tech support for an hour, to ATT DSL tech support for an hour to Linksys tech support for two and a half hours would drive a nun to drink. Finally, the ON DEMAND! worked and I smugly hit "menu"...only thing to watch was Ghost Hunters. I promptly went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of wine. That was the bubbles on the champagne. Horrid day capped with technical difficulties. My eyes are bleeding. I need to start documenting. I just don't know where to start. I went inward about a month ago. When I am out with my friends I actually enjoy it. It is a challenge to do so. I am making no money. I cannot pay my bills. It is so bad everywhere I look. I feel like a jerk complaining...I am scared.

To add to the clusterfuck, I recently found myself unknowingly dating someone I have known for eight years and never looked at as a potential mate. We often go out for cocktails, usually in a group. I had noticed the invitations were coming more frequently and were more one on one types of situations. My fear was confirmed when we went to a Lakers game and he grabbed my hand. I guess I am completely clueless as the few people I have told about this have known he has liked me for YEARS. So, Miss Maturity just stopped answering his calls about a month ago. What an assholey move but frankly, with all this self improvement I just can't muster the energy to have "The Conversation."

Next stop on the self-improvement train is to quit smoking. I have been researching quitting drinking alcohol and caffiene....and then smoking. I am attempting to change my deeply embedded body and brain chemestry. Not so easy. I have replaced alcohol and caffiene with food. I am power loading on vitamins which are designed to be natural mood elevators. Right now I am eating a white bean, kale and kilbasa soup which tastes healthy (translation, gross.) Nothing worse. I am at a weird point with clothes too. My old shorts are too big and falling off....I went and bought the next size down and they give me muffin tops and camel toe. Hot stuff! Additionally, I started taking an anti-depressant which is supposed to assist with the smoking cecessation. Life sucks for me.

I did make it through the first round of interviews for a reality tv show where they do arranged marriages. Sissy is really amped up about me doing reality tv. I know she wants me to get drunk and go in the hot tub and fuck the dude of the first date. Not outside the realm of possibility. Let's hope I am still employable if I make it onto this show.