I will survive

Post Christmas hangover.....too much partying, too much food, too much "quality" family time, too many bills. I blew so much cash I will have to date for food after this holiday season. Right now, I just want to sit and savor the silence of my single life in my squalid apartment. Initially, going into the holiday, I was sitting on the pity pot. I will admit, I was feeling sorry for myself that I would be, once again, single for another Christmas. Going downtown Chicago, watching couples hold hands and look at the department store windows only exacerbated my sense of isolation. A funny thing happened over my vacation, I got to hang out with my married friends. They are all more or less unhappy in their relationships and are living vicariously through me. One of my friends, Chip was questioning me about my "relationship intelligence" and determined that I am at least seven years away from being able to commit to anyone (his methodology was arbitrary, drunk and unscientific at best. I took this with a grain of salt.) One of my best friends took it a step further and questioned weather or not marriage is ever a desired outcome. These people have what I have been aiming for as my "golden ticket" and they are miserable. I am free. I am dating great men. I am having fun. I do not have to deal with men's fucked up bullshit. I kiss. I have amazing sex. Can it be that wrong? I do what I want, when I want. This is really making me sit down and take stock of my goals and objectives. What am I striving for here? I have great friends. I have a family that I cherish. I have men that love my company and take me out......I have mind blowing sex. Are we really meant to partner with one person? As I mulled that concept today while travelling back to LA I got three sets of digits en route. Maybe this was the gift I have been looking for all of my adult life. The realization that it is great to be single. My life doesn't suck. Among the many tangible gifts I lugged through ORD and LAX I brought a light and highly portable epiphany; I am in a great place. I hope my Filthy and Gorgeous posse knows how much I appreciate them on a daily basis. I don't have to wait for Christmas to receive presents, I am blessed every single day of the year. I love you guys. Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas my friends! I am going to Chicago today and will see many of you tomorrow! I hope your dreams for the future keep you at peace, Muah! Kat

Rebo

I just had a great idea for a movie. Instead of Rambo, our heroine is Rebo......super swashbuckling rebound queen. Of course she is about 5'9, Blond, perfect size C boobs....um, has a couple of dogs and likes red wine, a lot. Would be very difficult to cast this part......I MAY have someone in mind. Even feverish and somewhat inebriated, our heroine can overcome disappointment and fill her pipeline as a lesser woman could not do on her best day. Her secret weapon; long black eyelashes which make a whooshing noise as she bats them at her unsuspecting victim, rendering him unable to break gaze with her big blue eyes. She has him! She has a Shield of Innocence which makes her impervious to male superpowers such as the Mind Meld or Mind Control. The only way around the Shield of Innocence is with jewelry (preferably Tiffany) or expensive handbags (preferably Coach or Marc Jacob.) Rebo is a lover, not a fighter and uses words to magically entrance men into doing as she wants. She cannot be bothered to do any of that hands on, martial arts type superhero action. Hard to do when wearing platforms anyway. Any suggestions from the Filthy and Gorgeous posse on other superpowers, I er.....Rebo should possess?

All I Want.

Oh yeah, Joni Mitchell kind of day. It is advisable if you are male to tread lightly around me today. Just got off the phone with Virginia. We were supposed to have a "date" tonight, wine, candles and cam. Mind you, it IS Saturday night and he IS 2200 miles away, yet I agreed. I went to a customer Xmas party in Santa Barbara last night with Boy Gorgeous. Had a great time except we had to leave at 10pm because I was just too sick. He was spazzy when we got back to the room, continued to drink some wine from the Santa Barbara winery we picked up on the way, stripped down to his boxer shorts and leaped from his bed to mine, administering a WWF elbow hammer move thingy to me. He must have done this, as I BITCHED at him, ten times or more until he missed his intended landing pad and ended up on the floor, against the wall with his legs hanging at a weird angle in relationship to his body (ha ha, TOLD you so!) We got up, had breakfast and drove back to LA this am. We had fun. When I got home, I found an instant message on my computer from Virginia, where he told me he "had to move on" and he could tell things had changed since he shared some personal trauma he is experiencing and further,
Virginia (12/15/2006 9:33:35 PM): I have read your blog.......you seem to have things in order and know what you want...........reach for the stars baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you will get everything you desire.
Harrumph. I think this breaks with dating MANtality as I should have never shared the blog with him. Anyhoooo, I called him and we continued to get into it. At some point today, I started thinking WTF AM I DOING?!??! I am giving up flesh and blood men in order to have a "date" with someone I have never met and have been talking to less than a month (and I have to buy my own alcohol, pretty pricey endeavor for those of you that know me.) And what do you make of the blog comment? Ugh, retarded. Additionally, I am STILL sick....have a fever. I liken his BS approach to poking at an angry bear with a stick and expecting them to sing a show tune. Are men that stupid really?? Whatever the case, I think I need to take a step WAY back. If you are freaking out, do it on your own time. Especially if it is a four week, long distance, weird, Internet thing. Imagine how freaked out he would be in real life? It is actually raining here tonight, we do not have weather in So Cal. I shall enjoy this beautiful bottle of Sangiovese, listen to Joni pull at my heart strings punctuated by the raindrops on my roof as I contemplate slitting my wrists/lesbianism/life in the church.

I'm Burning Up

I apologize to the Filthy and Gorgeous posse for not posting for a few days, I have been sick. REALLY sick......I have had a fever of 102 and have not been able to swallow. I haven't eaten since Saturday night (I had BETTER have lost some lbs. or I will be PISSED!!) I got in to see the doc on Tuesday and got a throat culture (Boy Gorgeous queried if I had gonorrhea or chlamydia in my throat, what are friends for?) During this period it occurs to me how very very alone I truly am. As a single person, I think the time when the full implication of what this means is when you are sick. Schlepping to the doc, then to the pharmacy, then home to walk the dogs.....make my own tea. It is miserable. I am particularly vulnerable when I have a fever, and at one point I started sobbing at my seemingly hopeless situation, tears streaming down my face. I HATE this. In the meantime, my phone is ringing off the hook with invitations to go to San Fran this weekend to party with San Fran, meet Mr. Catt for dinner, meet the Actor at Mex for cocktails, go with Boy Gorgeous to the Clippers game, fool around with Skeptic (who said we must disengage if I cannot swallow, HA!), hang out with Sarah and Ashley. I am burning up with both a fever and jealousy that life goes on without me. Right now, I really really just want a Popsicle. Ugh. Long walk across the street to the grocery store. Think I will just stew in my juices and fantasize about having a loving man that would bring me some. I must be delusional with fever.........

Boy Gorgeous

Have I mentioned how much I love Boy Gorgeous? He was my date to my company Christmas party Saturday night in San Diego. A stressful start as we thought we were going to miss our train, but once settled in with several beers we relaxed and I got to enjoy his company. A lot of people think we are a couple as we interact with a level of comfort and intimacy usually reserved for bf/gf types. I tell him EVERYTHING, things I do not admit to anyone else. We chatted and drank the entire trip down the coast, quite beautiful as the train runs next to the ocean and the sun was setting. The party was fun, on a boat with dinner and a club. We were grossly over served, at one point BG laid his head down on the table. Of course, I fell getting out of the car back at the hotel, in front of my boss who has already told me I am single handedly raising the insurance rates for the entire company (Sissy has said, if she didn't know better, she would think I am the falling equivalent of a cutter.) Once in the room, I tore off my dress and went to bed. Boy Gorgeous said at one point, he opened his eyes and saw my boobs. Had the thought, oh those are Kat boobs, and went back to sleep. The next morning, he was uber bright and shiny as compared to my white, shaky hung over self. Annoying really. I got a call from a friend, San Fran who had extended his visit to LA and wanted to know if we could have dinner tonight. As I am digging around for my pants, BG is announcing to San Fran, Hey Kat, I can see your vag! Kind of hard to explain that to someone........ What I love the most about our friendship is we can run around naked in front of each other. We can share all of the good and bad secrets with one another. He has my back always, and sometimes a good view of my front too.

Wipe out, put out and get out!

Sage advice on how to handle a one night stand;


Remember to suck it forward kids!

Want a piece of this boys? Betty xoxoxo

Mr. Catt

Please welcome a new addition to the Filthy and Gorgeous posse, Mr. Catt!! I had the pleasure of partying with Mr. Catt last night until the weeeeee hours of the am. He is hot. He has boy band hair. Best part, he reps a very high end shoe line (how *sexxy* is that?!?) He is hella fun and I think will be a VERY VERY bad influence on your girl Kat here. Already lost my cellie, HOPE I left it in his car (most popular response today, "probably in the back seat" har de har.) Welcome new wing man! So the next couple of days will be uneventful, I PROMISE you that! Sarah is having a "I dumped the asshole" party tonight.....she will be wearing a boa and tiara! If I could rally, I would to support such a great cause. Sadly, just cannot. So, Thursday night have a date with the pole position guy, timing is a bit suspect as I will be doing another appearance as Knitster 3 on my knitting show.

Skeptic: I'll call you and we'll work it out. Warning: meeting with a woman who's just appeared on a TV show might make me extra horny....
spankie: knit stah, remember it, you will be yelling it later

Sounds promising. Friday, pretty Jen's bday party with many of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse. Saturday, Boy Gorgeous and I will be driving to San Diego to go to my company Christmas party. On a boat, lots of booze in San Diego. How bad can that be? In the meantime, I must lick my wounds from last night and do all of the boring domestic things I have been negecting. Laundry, cleaning......ew.

Sarah Smile

My darling friend Sarah just broke up with her long term boyfriend yesterday. She called and I rallied as it is my duty to get her very fucked up and slam the asswipe recently curb kicked! To my suprise, Miss Sarah was not on the pity pot! We went to Stanleys (too mellow) and then to Mexicali to celebrate her liberation from the ass for, among other things, becoming a Scientologist (fucking LA, huh?) She is quite beautiful and once again, I am not a lesbian but she has the MOST beautiful natural boobs I have ever seen (maybe riveled by MILFie.) Hard for me to take my eyes off of em! And a sexy beauty mark just above her lip. She is quite the hottie. Johnny got pretty drunk and I think was more than a touch smitten with me (he kind of tipped his hand when I caught him smelling my hair. He liked it.) He was also pressing his, evidentially erect, penis into Sarah. He does this frequently enough for Sarah to have named it "leading with the cock." Like the family dog, you just brush him away. John didn't show because he was at the roller derby (not a critical plot point, but I just thought that was funny. Roller derby. Who does that?!?!??) Good times! Anyhoooo, we did attract the attention of a persistant black man. He was touching Sarah's back and I had to get all "Alpha Male" and tell him he had better step off my woman or we were gonna have problems. He apologized not realizing we were a comitted couple and asked if we were married. Smartie Sarah picked up immediately and launched into the story of how long we have been together, and how we were planning our comitment ceremony in Hawaii. I think she could have gone on forever and even I started to beleive we were girlfriends. I think I am in love....(Sarah what colors did you pick for our commitment ceremony honey?) Mostly I am impressed with her abiltiy to stand up for what she wants and drop kick a dude that is ALMOST right. Strong and feisty is how I likes my women! I have a feeling we are going to have many more semi lesbi nights and cannot wait to have another full time member of the Fithy and Gorgeous posse. Good for you Sara, Smile!! (listening to that song in her honor!!) Came home in time to cam with and talk to the Alpha Male. Oh he is a yummy one!! Talked till 3. This could be big trouble for me.........

Mojolicious

I love my friend Ashley. She is BEAUTIFUL! On the outside, she has platnium hair, BIG blue blue eyes, wicked sense of style, smokin' hot bod and covered with uber cool tatoos (my favorite is she has RESPECT tatooed across her ample bosom). Inside, she is smart, funny, great mom with a heart of gold. I am not a lesbian but I would fuck her. She has a self confidence and self respect that I am drawn to. What I notice is everyone is drawn to her too........she is mojolicious. I wanna be mojolicious!!! Sexxy Kitty said I would never be that because there is a certain amount of mystery necessary to be so. I am too much of a blabbermouth to allow the unknown. (There is the FAINTEST kernel of truth to that as evidenced by the fact I feel the need to spill intimate details of my life to my fithy and gorgeous blog posse.) Sissy suggested that I play the game she plays with her kids, who can not talk for the longest?? I must try this. In the meantime, I just cracked a beer (2pm my time kids) hoping it will help with this wicked bad hangover while wearing a shirt that says, Coffee, Cigerettes, Alcohol (my to do list today), fighting back the beer shits, unshowered and smelling like a bar room floor. Clearly I need more practice keeping details to myself. Hopefully I will pull it together in time to go steal other girl's boyfriends later tonight with mojolicious Ashley.

fuck you all

I hate all of you that lurk and do not post. I am uber drunk right now and am so not "I love you MANNNNING" any of you. I am mad. I am drunk. I rip my vagina out on (pretty much) a daily basis to be with y'all. Why can you all not post with even the most innocuous contributions? I am hurting. I joke. You wanted the blog, you got it. It isn't funny really. My days are long. My job is taxing. My personal life take crazy time and effort. Sometimes, I just wanna get laid like tonight. So, considering I go thru all the actual shit to entertain you, could ya just post?? Thank you!

Alpha male......

In the interest of finding my Alpha male, I actually believe I have.....in FUCKING VIRGINIA!!!! I do not know what I ever did to piss God off to such an extent, but evidently, I have done something REALLY REALLY bad. I have been dating since we last met dear friends, but the pool of contestants is surprisingly lackluster. In the meantime I have started chatting with Alpha Guy. Southern gentleman.....smart, confident and dirty enough to please even this kink connoisseur. He speaks like a Hemmingway novel, factual with no unnecessary details (ie. the grass grew tall and green.) "A" for content and "A" for lack of flowery bs. We spoke on the phone, just a tinge of a southern accent (actually swoon when he calls me darlin' or honey.) He has a gentle confidence about him which I find incredibly attractive. All others pale in comparison. I wanted a man and I found a MAN. (did I mention he lives in FUCKING VIRGINIA?!!??) It begs the question would be attracted if he were attainable? Close by? Am I my own worse enemy when it comes to happiness? Is it possible to develop feelings for someone you have never met? I am smitten with a man that lives 2200 miles away that I have never met. Welcome to the 21st century. What to do what to do. I am wrangling with the crazy thoughts in my head right now (including hopping into my car and heading to LAX immediately) but must go to bed. Must be bright and shiny for my appearance on my favorite knitting TV show tomorrow. How is that for a boobie prize? Makes me want to stick a knitting needle in my eye.

Man Meat

Ok, so the pole position guy.....chatted with him today. I have to say, it is refreshing to have a man just plain tell you he is a fuck.

skeptic: OK. Well, most people on AFF are looking for action, to one degree or another. So yeah, I fit into that broad group....

skeptic: I mean, I differentiate myself from the pond scum, slimeballs, and Neanderthals on the site -- not necessarily because I have radically different goals (I probably don't), but because my approach is more evolved, refined, witty, etc. The site, at its best, is supposed to be about having fun, so I try not to take it too seriously or make rocket science out of it....

skeptic: I know you've indicated you're a serial dater or something like that. From one to the next to the next. If you want me to tell you that I'm the same way -- monogamous with one woman at a time -- I'm not gonna promise you that, though. Not gonna BS you. But I'm way too busy to be out there constantly chasing after tail. Like I said, a little something happens from time to time....

spankme: i appreciate no bs.....

skeptic: There's a lot of fish in the ocean; a tall blond with perfect tits and a cool attitude like you should be able to get what suits your objectives at any given time....

spankme: that is really nice of you to say.

skeptic: Oh, you fell for that. Good.

Ha!! I LOVE this guy! I think I can change him....he just hasn't met the RIGHT woman. What do Y'all think?

Fathers be good to your daughters

I had a wonderful time being spoiled by my parents the last couple of days. I told my dad I was going to wake up and get all pissed I don't have a latte and his world famous scrambled eggs waiting for me tomorrow am. Time goes so quickly, and it seems I just got there and then had to leave. I teared up as they pulled away from the airport. What I think I miss the most is the feeling of security I get when I am with my dad. I don't have to worry about ANYTHING. I am so content and relaxed. I think this is only a feeling I have ever had with my dad and my grandparents. I have never trusted in anyone to that degree since. Is this what love is supposed to be like? Romantic love. To trust someone so that you completely give yourself, lock stock and barrel, to their care? I am so independant day to day and alone I almost don't know how to respond to this sort of nurturing. I like it. So the new guy hasn't called since our date Wednesday night. We did it, watched a movie, picked up dinner and then he became ill. Not a peep since. I went on the dirtier filthier web site and checked it out, he was on today. RED FLAG! I wish I could say I was surprised. Or heartbroken. Or really cared. I have been through enough that I can just shake it off and go to the next one. Hurt, of course a little. More pride than anything. I feel if he would have taken the time to get to know me (or cared to to begin with) then maybe he would want to protect me. Maybe he would appreciate that my heart is a gift. Maybe he would find value in me. If nothing else, string me along for the sex! He didn't and he won't. I guess I didn't know how much I miss feeling loved, nurtured, protected....safe until I was reminded this weekend. I suppose I am lucky to at least have one man who will guard me with his life and scramble some eggs for me.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Wine and Work

Boy Gorgeous came over last night for what we like to call the Wine and Work. The idea is to spend time together, drink some wine and work until you are sending out questionable emails. (I swear, he is like Yogi bear with booze. My wine club shipment came yesterday and he calls immediately, Hey Boo Boo, do you have a pic-a-nic basket?? Creepy sixth sense for those sort of things.) As we Wine and Work, jam out to some Jay Z......the New Guy calls! Why was I so worried? We start to have some dirty phone talkin' complicated by the fact Boy Gorgeous is within earshot. (BG already made fun of me because I started talking in my best sex kitten voice when I picked up the phone.) Due to my company, our phone sex was cut short, BUT we did make plans for tonight! I am going to go over to his place and give thanks a touch early this year. (See, I TOLD you not to worry!) I am debating on what to wear on top (and underneath, meow!) I am looking forward to being stuffed like a turkey and sent on my way. Sigh. Good times! This is wrong on so many levels, but it seems appropriate; http://www.pickleparty.com/ecards/index.cgi?card=70&cat=1&ratings=ok&ratings.x=47&ratings.y=21

Happy Thanksgiving my dear friends! I will most likely not be posting for a couple of days as I am going to see my Dad. Think he may lock me up if he knew my secret identity as the Dating Misanthrope (I will wear long pants and a sweater to hide my tights and cape and tatoo.) Hope you get some stuffing too!

Reality check

What am I worried about?? He will call.

Mother Nature is a Bitch

I haven't heard from the New Guy. On an intellectual level, I know he was on a grueling business trip yesterday and it was unlikely I would hear from him. On an emotional level, however, it is an entirely different story. Insecurity, fear, sadness all bubble up uncontrollably as I try to stay focused and rational. I tried calling this morning. No answer. Fear intensifies. What if he never calls back? The forever screening when I call...........I like him. I have been on this rollarcoaster enough times to know the routine. Silly giddiness in the beginning (whee!!!), moments of insecurity and finding footing (ohhhh!), intense first discoveries and disclosures (whee!!!), familiarity and pattern sets in (ohhh!!) It is one of the greatest ironies of Mother Nature, we are wired to find our mate. Once we do, we don't want 'em. All of us have had that moment when something about our mate starts grating on us (one of my friends was telling me how her boyfriend breathes annoys her. I told her it was the beginning of the end when you resent they're taking breath!) Seriously, think about it. How many long term couples do you know that are happy?? How do you sustain happiness in a relationship? Should we be monogamous? Why do we go through this? Is a happy ending possible? Too many question marks for me to be comfortable with. All I know is I WANT it. I WANT him. While waiting for the call which may never come, I will entertain myself by replaying our date Sunday night. Why did I have to babble on and on about my friend that got peed on by the drunk chick he brought home? Why did I feel it necessary to talk about some girl barfing in Sarah's purse and her finding out the 'hard way'..... then running down Doheney with arms up like a surgeon searching for someplace to wipe off the offensive substance.....why did I wear those jeans that were a little too loose....why oh why oh why....

I need an instruction MANual for one of these things.....

Just got back from a date with The New Guy. I CANNOT read him! It makes me *crazy*!! On the one hand, it is positive he called to take me to a movie and dinner tonight. He did hold my hand. He did put his hand on my leg during the movie. He did not kiss me (although I have been trying to quit smoking and have quite a cough working now) as he said he didn't want to get sick. I did ask him if he likes me, and he said it was an unusual situation for him and now we are getting to know each other. I think he thinks I do this all the time, which you all know I don't. Ugh! Actions speak louder than words right? I have had many men say all of the right ones only to discover there was not one iota of truth behind them. Just seems a bit back assward to have banged the crap out of each other Friday night to going on a date that was tame by 8th grade standards......HOW DO THESE THINGS WORK??? We have already determined that being myself is not a good idea. Being a coquette didn't work. Now I try to jump right to whore and that has seemingly backfired. Wouldn't it be nice if there were a reliable MANual you could follow? I don't want to be Madonna or a Whore. I am me and tonight I could not tell if that was enough. Makes me just want to go and kick one to make it work right............

Anthems

Some of you have asked me what my quote on my profile means. One of my many anthems, All I want. I cannot tell you how many wounded evenings Joni has seen me through. This song particularly speaks to me when I am staring down the inevitable break up or feeling particularly lonely. (YES, Joni, I just want to knit him a sweater and write him a love letter! YES!) The manic undercurrent of this song just feeds my broken parts and speaks to my longing for something enduring and real. I have a play list on my iPod entitled Chick Band Aids......this song, A Case of You (just before our love got lost you said, our love is as constant as the Northern star and I said, constantly in the darkness? Where's that at? If you want me I'll be in the bar. Tell 'em Joni, BASTARD!), Last Time I Saw Richard (all lovers meet the same fate someday, cynical and drunk passed out in a dark cafe, FUCK YEA!) are my Joni's contributions. When Joni is on, I have had many a male quietly back out of the room...

A more upbeat window to my soul, another anthem by Cake. If a man wants to know how I roll in a relationship, he should memorize Love You Madly. Shouldn't be that complicated, should it? (I don't want to think about it, I don't want to talk about it. When I kiss your lips I want to sink down to the bottom of the sea.) This song is why I get myself in trouble.....I really don't wanna examine it that closely. I just wanna DO it....balls out. Shouldn't we all want to love madly? Isn't there an incredible surge when you completely submit to another? To Love You Madly is All I Want. I don't want to wonder if this is a blunder...........

Gonna get me some of that!

I have a date tonight. Yay! I do not have a mean name for him yet, the pet names usually indicate the beginning of the end for a guy. Right now, he is just his name. Like a clean piece of paper, nothing but possibilities. I love this. Nails done yesterday. Blow out today to ensure I look like a Charlie's Angel. Trip to Frederick's to buy some whorey underpants. Grocery store for wine. I am all pumped up. Boy Gorgeous and I had lunch today. He thinks I am the dirtiest one of all of us. Not possible is it?? I like sex, so what? Doesn't everyone? Evidently I like it a touch more than most. He was amazed at how much effort I have put into this. I asked if he gets excited when he is going to have sex. He said, yes about five minutes before. I wish I were male..........be a lot less complicated. Wish me fuck...oops Freudian type, I meant luck. Muah! Kat

Fred's Dead.............

Last night, one of my best friends told me he is thinking about moving in and marrying a woman he met two and a half months ago. I yelled at him. I love him. I care. He does this EVERY time with a new woman. (Dude, WAIT until the pheromones wear off!!) This one sounds great and like the best match he has ever had and I am happy for him. I think I really hurt his feelings and he asked, "can't you just be happy for me?" I am!!!!!! I just want to make sure he is making a great decision but moreover, I want him to enjoy himself. More than anyone, I can appreciate wanting to skip to the end of the book. I really want to know how my story ends too. By reminding him that life is a journey not a destination, I reinforce that in myself as well. You need to appreciate the process. If you artificially skip to all of the "good parts" you are missing some very rich and memorable moments. (I don't know why this makes me think of my copy of Judy Blume's Forever I had as a pre pube. You would lay the book down and it would flop open to ALL the dirty parts.) As much as I hate dating and sorting through all these losers it will make me appreciate the right one when he does come. I want to hunger for the first kiss, first sex, first meeting of the friends, first Christmas.....wonder when the ring is coming. It is beautiful and complex, you shouldn't try to rush these things. You need to savor them. There is only one *First* anything (stretch it out and get your moneys worth!) If you cannot be satisfied and content in the quiet moments with the one you love there isn't much hope for longevity. Quit being such and adrenaline junkie, slow down and drink it all in. Einstein said, "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute it seems like an hour. Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That is relativity." This is the good part Doc! Don't want to ruin the ending for you but you die. Don't be in such a rush to skip ahead.

Music to bang to...........

Ok, this album ROCKS! Save Room and PDA make me wanna touch myself. Check it out and lemmie know what cha think!

Don't be afraid of a little pain, pleasure is just on the other side...........

JEWish not GUish..........

I know I have been a blogging machine today. I have to tell you about a dumbshit male that just instant messaged me. His im name is metsfanxxx and I asked him where he lived. He said New Jersey. I said, oh too bad, gu (geographically undesirable for the non chatters). He replied, correcting me, I am JEWish...........lordy! Lost it, laughed so hard I was cryin!!! here is how the convo went from there;
spankme: made me laugh, to the point i was crying
metsfanxxx: is that a good thing?
spankie: for you?
spankie: not so much
metsfanxx: ouch
thanks for playin! Have a good night all and peace out! Kat

Gun Show

Dirtier Filthier Web Site

It is funny. My girlfriend is the LAST person you would ever expect to get us rolling on these web sites. I am the single, curious perv that should have found this for all. She has created a couple of monsters in our Filthy and Gorgeous (download the Scissor Sisters song!!) posse. I took it a step further and went to the filthier and dirtier web site. It is somewhat refreshing for men to be up front with their desires and ask for what they want. Embrace your prurient inner child!! At least their agenda is known from the beginning, not buried under dinner invitations and complimentary remarks. I have long said it is not a question of IF someone I am dating is fucked up but how fucked up are they? What is their Dirty Little Secret? (have a mother fixation? are with me because we are roughly the same size and they wanna wear my lingerie? Do they want to pee on me?) Don't laugh, this all has happened to me. Is their Dirty Little Secret a deal breaker? (keep your pee to yourself!) How much time will I have to invest before the Dirty Little Secret becomes apparent? The Dirtier Filthier Web Site is cool because the men will tell you from "Hello" that they do want to pee on you, wear your lingerie and have an Oedipus complex. The Dirty Little Secret. This is in the front of my mind when I jump into another relationship. I take a deep sigh and then leap right into the thick of it. Even I am rolling my eyes, here we go again...............I wonder if he will call tonight? I wonder if he thought about me today? Wonder if he has a myspace page? Boy Gorgeous just pointed out that men are my drug and I am always looking for a fix. Shhhh, that is MY Dirty Little Secret!

Bah HumBUG up my ass!

The holidays are coming and as a recently (or some would say terminally) single woman I am weighing the pros and cons. BIG pro, I do not have to blow inordinate amounts of money on things I think are stupid gifts; Led Zepplin box set, uber expensive White Sox Hawaiian shirt, Xbox and games, Wonder Woman light switch cover, shit for the boat for which I didn't understand the purpose. All thoughtfully collected over time, carefully hidden and expertly wrapped, all for an ungrateful ManTits. BIG pro, I will not be disappointed (ok, RIPSHIT PISSED!!!) when the gifts I am given fall waaaaaaayyyyyy short of what I have given in cost, sentimentality and execution. Not to mention presentation! (my gifts were wrapped in newspaper! Ok, the ones that WERE wrapped. Some were still in the bag from the store with their receipts. Fucker.) Whoever said the thought that counts was full of shit! A bad gift shows there was NO thought. I take it personally. Is it really that hard? When I am in a relationship I am an open book. All of my likes, dislikes, quirks, tastes, fears, hopes............are placed at his feet to be either validated or stomped on. (I am also pretty good at dropping hints about the Coach bag I *LOVE* or the Tiffany necklace I *NEED* from their new catalog.) When I am confronted with a physical representation of the fact I am not understood or listened to I get hurt. Then angry. It IS the thought that counts, just not in the way we have been conditioned to think about it. (Did he REALLY think I would like a Jeep radio/compass/tv/cd player??!?!?)

Law 10

Thank God my friends haven't read the book the 48 Laws of Power!!! If so, they may reconsider our friendship due to Law 10;

Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky

You can die from someone else’s misery – emotional states are as infectious as disease. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead.

Since moving to LA, I have had nothing but horrid experiences with men. I got engaged and moved out here to be with The Psycho. I quickly realized I gave him the wrong finger, but was stuck out here. Other mistakes of note; Scalitard, The Jew, ManTits, The Jew Too, The Cracker, Dr. Scrub, The Boy (details will follow at a later date.) Last week, I got a call from The Kanuk. He is considering divorce and wishes he could turn back time and call off his wedding as we had talked about those many years ago. I have always thought of him as the one that got away. I was put in the position to tell my long lost love that he needed to work on his marriage and we could never have anything. I called Sissy, and cried. I think that freaked her out a touch as I usually weather my storms with a caustic wit. (have you ever heard me cry before Sissy??) What a horrible situation he put me in. As shit rolls downhill, poor Sissy bears the brunt of it. Why do you put up with me? The fact you are reading this means I am sucking you all in.

I hope you all bear with me. Life is peaks and valleys and I seem to have more than my share of valleys in the Valley.

The Valley Ain't Big Enough

Noon on Sunday. Reflecting on the weekend. A blur of bars and activity; Green Frog, Chimney Sweep, Mexicali, Clear, Sapphire, Firefly...........met some fabulous gay men. Other than that I came up dry. Some drama this weekend. Boy Gorgeous reeled in a chick that ended up getting dragged out of the bar.........she was kicking and screaming the entire way. (I don't blame her. I would claw my way back for a piece of that too!) I had some random male I have evidentially met before insert himself in our convo and got pissed with my less than friendly attitude. Walked down Ventura Blvd. screaming, "You are a bitch. You are going to die alone!! I CARED about you!!!!" Little does he know, I have CATS! (Pfft, fuck you! In your FACE!) Successfully ducked My Stalker by hiding behind BG. Think I may have gotten another one. Was making time with a hot guy last night when the Kettle One kicked in. Red patent platforms, cocktails and gravity DO NOT MIX. This seems like quite a lot of effort to put forth just to meet someone and get laid. Sexual Chocolate and I were talking about this just last night. It is all about the Vagina. Boys want it, we got it. This is all an elaborate dance to get to the end result, the VAGINA. AND if I did meet someone last night, the ritual of pussyfooting (pun intended) around this fact begins. The tacit rules by which we all more or less abide. Three dates before the boy gets the vagina seems pretty standard. Ugh! I am exhausted and depressed. I cannot tell you how many people have said, you will find someone when you least expect it. I translate that as when you have given up all hope and have resigned yourself to die with your cats. I hope they don't eat me before I am found.

Dirty Filthy Web Site

A few weeks ago, my friend told me about this web site. This is no eHarmony my friends, this is where you go if you want to find someone to fuck. My profile sucks, I put NO effort into it and mostly used their "canned" phrases which don't say a lot. I did not post a pic. There is NOTHING interesting, unique or original about my DFW persona which should draw attention to me. I was shocked when I received over 50 emails in my first week! Most of them went something like this;
"You seem so together and sexy and hot. Love to get to know you and then eat that sweet pussy and ass for hours. Hit me back to get things rolling".
Eat Ass??? Is there any breath mint available today that could take the edge off of that? EW!
Or this;
"i pack alot for the right one. I love sex and i love to please. i know how to please a woman in many ways i have a 9in long and 5in thick dick and i know how to use it to its fullest so get at me when u get a miunte"
I am quite sure he would not be able to please a woman who teaches English. Or typing. Maybe he was typing with his 9 in long dick. And 5 in thick?? Holy shit! I would like to point out to the very well endowed, this is *NOT* a selling feature. I am not a baseball mitt that you can work in. After this guy would be done with me, I would have a vagina the size of Montana. I would also call bullshit on the claim to length and girth of his member, however, most of the men were kind enough to send pictures. This one actually sent a picture with his hoo ha lined up with a ruler to better fortify his assertion he is hung like a horse. Maybe he works in marketing.....(an interesting sidebar, one thing all of the penis pics had in common was they were wearing socks. Weird.) In the interest of research, I did reply to some and gave them my dirty instant messenger persona, Spankme. Here is how most of the conversations went; "Hi. Hi. How are you? Do you want to meet? Hi. Can I call you? Do you like to fuck?" WTF??? One of these (ahem) gentleman gave me a computer virus which I in turn gave to EVERYONE on my im contact list. What I have learned from my brief AFF stint is the following; when you aim a camera at your penis your feet get cold and you loose considerable IQ points. You cannot type well with your penis. Finally, there is no such thing as safe sex, even on the internet.

If I don't remember, did it really happen??

Friday am after Thursday night happy hour. The all too familiar sensation of waking in a haze of nausea and pounding headache. Then the waves of memories of the previous evenings events adding to the sickening feeling......open eyes. HOLY SHIT! Male in my bed......Fearfully inspect closer. Phew! It is my friend, The Actor who just made sure I got home ok. (a quick mental inventory of the neither regions confirmed they were intact and had not recently done a tour of duty). Think I was drugged, again. My recollection of the previous evening goes blank at a certain point (when my drink slipped out of my hand at Firefly....glass and Kettel One EVERYWHERE. Little minions swept in to clean up my mess and END SCENE). Whatever happened next is anyone's guess...but from the fact I awake in my own bed, clothed and not recently violated with The Actor, I infer I didn't do anything that will go on my permanent record. Wouldn't that be nice to wake up every day with no recollection of previous events?? No pining away for lost loves. Wishing I had the abs I had a mere 5 years ago. Every time being the first time. I have thought this must be what it is like to have Down's Syndrome. When I go to the grocery store, I have one bagger I particularly like, Ron. He is retarded. He is ALWAYS happy. He ALWAYS has a clean joke. He ALWAYS has a nice thing to say. He is exceptionally upbeat on Hawaiian shirt days. On bad days, I have envied him. What a simple and uncomplicated life he has and he seems genuinely content with the hand he has been dealt. I wish I could say the same. The Jew used to say, it isn't the living that is hard, it is the learning (the only part of that relationship that is worth remembering.) As much knowledge as I gain from these fucked up experiences, I never seem to have what I need when faced with the next one. I am wise beyond my years. I am tired of learning. You know times are tough when you covet retardation.

Pluck Wax Bleach Inject Paint Shave Curl Dress Gloss

No wonder I am so tired. No wonder I can be such a bitch. It takes an inordinate amount of energy, time and money to be a Siren (not to mention some discomfort). Thursday night happy hour, the obligatory night out for the single woman. All I want to do I get in my jams and and give in to delicious goose down torpor. But, alas, I cannot. Thursday night happy hour is a fishing hole and the aforementioned activities are how I bait my hook. I am debating going out with the "come as you are" type attitude, but I know better. A good fisherman buys the best lures, knows the best spots and knows how to cast his line in order to get the best results. The rest is patience, of which I have none (as those of you who know me are painfully aware!) Off I go to perform the Ritual of the Siren.....I shall cast my line tonight, and pass the time drinking with (and drinking in, Meow!) Mr. Fantastic telling stories about the really big one that got away. (Of course I will throw the little ones back!) Hope I get a bite!

ManTits

There is a curious thing I have noticed about the male ego. Most, I have found lately, have an inflated sense of self worth and an even more distorted body image. My ex, ManTits (this name is mean even by my standards but hell, if the shoe, or...er bro/mansaire fits....you are askin' for it) definitely falls into this category. Unfortunately, he lives right down the street from me so the occasional sighting at the grocery store or walking the dog is inevitable. Since I dumped him, I have lost 18 lbs. Today I found them (and at least another 15lbs., likely from some other lucky recently liberated femme that must live in my neighborhood) on ManTits. From a distance, his silhouette is reminiscent of a 3 dimentional Fred Flintstone crossed with Jane Mansfield. By the looks of him, he has spent the last six months getting stoned with Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber, drinking beer and eating fast food. It is out of control.....doesn't he own a mirror?!?!? (and if so, I want it, it is *magical*!!) He wasn't always like this, I have seen pictures from his 20's, and he was SMOKIN' HOT! Black hair and cutting blue eyes combined with a swimmer's body, YUM! From our year and a half together, I know that is who he sees when he looks in that mirror. When I look in the mirror I see a woman that needs to lose another 10lbs (not one that just lost 18 and looks amazing!), a pernicious blemish (imperceptible to anyone but me), creases forming in my previously perfect skin (BOTOX!!!! I MUST HAVE MORE!!) Some days, I honestly cannot look in the mirror. Luckily for me, I don't have to. ManTits can keep his *magic* mirror. I have something better; the best friends anyone could ask for. They reflect back things I would never see for myself in myself. They shore me up and keep me sane. I hope I do the same for them.

Special shout out to HottyMcS, I love ya mannnnnnnnnnn!!!!

Show some respect boys! xoxo Betty

Dating MANtality

Recently, I was hanging out with Boy Gorgeous and obsessing about a guy as usual. I wouldn't admit this to many people, but I even went as far as to search thru nearly 500 myspace pages to find his. I am not proud. BG nonchalantly told me to shake it off and find another one. That honestly had never occurred to me. (Insert cartoon sound effect, blink blink and imagine blank doe-eyed stare in response). I get attached. I put out too quickly. I dissect every single minute detail of a date. I am the woman that checks my phone incessantly to make sure it is still working. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SHAKE IT OFF! Over a very cheap bottle of wine sitting on the Hollywood Strip, BG philosophized about being a Professional Dater (with his pinkie out, of course). He is the Master, I am humble grasshopper. Mind you, this is in its infancy. I need to date more like a man, and here are the first steps;

1. Juggle
Remember The Key of Three
Always have three going at the same time, no more no less. Any more, you screw up and it gets complicated and confusing. Must have a pipeline developed. This way, someone pisses you off, bores you or simply goes away it is no big deal. Most importantly, this removes any and all pressure. When you have pressure, you lose your confidence thus losing hand. You become desperate and men can virtually smell that. A caveat to the juggler, don't use proper names, too great a risk of messing them up...... Call them Baby, or Handsome or (my personal favorite) Sugarbritches. Or as Sarah does, number them. Or as John does, dates chicks with the same name.
2. Send in The Representative
For God's Sake, Send in the Representative!!!
The Representative is the "you" as you would like others to see you. A confident, teflon exterior which allows you to gain information and stay aloof. I am going to rely on Fantastic and BG to further expand on this concept. They have it down to a science
3. Don't spill your guts
Yadda Yadda
I think this is somewhat obvious, and if you are doing 1. And 2. Correctly you will not make this error. Even I don't do this. (Except when I told a guy I had Botox and got my eyebrows waxed afterward. I knew immediately that was a bad idea on several levels. I blame this rookie error on the incredible pain.). I can think of numerous men I have dated that have been compelled to talk about their past relationships, worse yet, their mothers. Nothing good can come out of giving someone too much info. Also think of the Seinfeld episode with the Yadda Yadda. Sissy, have a comment on that?
4. Do not get emotionally attached
Emotion is Cancer
As BG stated, it may say a lot about you as a human, but not great for the professional dater. I am open to ideas on how you do this. Is it like when you go to the gyno and look at the ceiling and hum the National Anthem? Do you picture them naked? (that may work as naked men are intrinsically comical). Do you visualize a Pac Man chomping lil heart bubbles up as you catch yourself becoming smitten? Works for Cancer patients.......

I cannot wait to hear what my filthy and gorgeous friends have to add! Muah!

Worst Weekend Ever

I know this is the ultimate in hubris to think that anyone would want to read about my dating life. My experiences are always weird and fucked up and would only happen to me. What I would like to see happen is have my many fabulous male and female friends contribute so we may begin to develop a dating strategy. Boy Gorgeous (names have been changed to protect the innocent, um, sort of in this case) and I began flushing out this idea this weekend, we will be calling it developing your Dating Mantality. "He's just not that into you" is all well and good, but by the time you figure that out, you have put out, gotten attached, perhaps started doodling his name......may be some sort of consolation but the damage has already been done. Dating, especially in LA, is war my friends and I know I need to develop an emotional flack jacket. I could use your help. Ok, we are going to begin with The Boy experience which kicked off what is soon to be known as the Worst Weekend Ever. Had a fabulous date Thursday night with The Boy including sushi, sake and some nice Cab afterward at my place. Such a good looking boy, funny, a poet and soon to be filmmaker.....one thing leads to another and of course I put out. Friday, awake to round 3, or 4?? Oj in bed and then off to work for me and off to school for him (admittedly I was robbing the cradle on this one). As he leaves, he blows me a kiss. I blow him a kiss which he catches and puts in his pocket. So sappy and cute, I ate it up. "Bye Gorgeous, call you later!" and he was off. Sigh. Good times. Fast forward to dinner Friday night, at Mexicali drinking margs and telling my gf about my debauched and fab night and who walks in? (come on, play along) The Boy. With? A girl. And? Her parents!!!!! They are seated a mere two top away to my right, with The Boy facing me. What the fuck are the chances of that?? (It has been noted by Mr. Fantastic that God doesn't allow me even ten consecutive hours of happiness.) At one point, I go to the bathroom and, of course, The Boy is alone in the extremely tight hallway. "She is my ex fiance and her parents who are visiting.......they don't know we broke up...sure I told you....yadda yadda". I mustered all of the adult composure I could and replied with, "it is fine, you don't owe me any explanation. Just incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. You aren't my boyfriend. What the FUCK IS TAKING THAT CHICK SO LONG IN THE BATHROOM?!?!". I just wanted this mortifying moment to end. Which it did, and I did my thing and returned to the table in time to watch the chick fawn all over him. My friends arrived and gave him the death glare. John said they had to have known something was up because The Boy was being stared down by four people and you could cut the tension with a knife. Sarah wished she were there so she could have called him a dirty ballsucker in front of his company. (Love her!!) We leave, I get the 10:30 "I am so sorry" call, "need to make it up to you". In retrospect, I think he was just trying to find out where I was so he could avoid it and go out with his, ahem, "ex" fiance. Promised to call by noon the next day with some big plan. Must have been some miscommunication, I still haven't gotten the call. Think I should hold Sat night for him?