How Am I So Fucking Stupid...Still??

In what I am sure is an exercise in futility.....I wait for BBFF to call. On an intellectual level, I know he won't. The teenage girl inside still holds out hope. There hasn't been any communication since I texted him Wednesday saying, "You either really suck at this or you don't like me. You going to ask me out again?" He replied back, "Aggressive, I like that. And I do suck at this. Call you Monday." Monday? WTF? I just find it so hard to believe I was so wrong about this. I cannot be that retarded!!!! I will let you know if the extremely unlikely happens. Sigh. I am so sick of this shit.

UPDATE: 11 PM and no call. I knew it. Went to the Sweep and met KnitStar and her Ex for a drink. Ended up talking to the band leader from American Idol. Super cool guy, lives in the neighborhood and we are going to have a drink at some later date. On my walk back, some creepy guy was following me in his car shouting out the window at me. "You're cute, what's your name, what are you doing all by yourself?" It flipped me out. I initially ignored him, then told him to leave me along, finally telling him to FUCK OFF! "Cunt! Better watch who you shoot your mouth off to!" as he went to do another U-turn to get to my side of the street. Pretty scary shizzle, I must say. I crossed the street and ducked thru the courtyard to a neighboring building which lets out in the alley behind my apartment. I quickly (while shaking!) got my gate key out....I could see him cruising the streets looking for me. Awesome!

Anthems

Some of you have asked me what my quote on my profile means. One of my many anthems, All I want. I cannot tell you how many wounded evenings Joni has seen me through. This song particularly speaks to me when I am staring down the inevitable break up or feeling particularly lonely. (YES, Joni, I just want to knit him a sweater and write him a love letter! YES!) The manic undercurrent of this song just feeds my broken parts and speaks to my longing for something enduring and real. I have a play list on my iPod entitled Chick Band Aids......this song, A Case of You (just before our love got lost you said, our love is as constant as the Northern star and I said, constantly in the darkness? Where's that at? If you want me I'll be in the bar. Tell 'em Joni, BASTARD!), Last Time I Saw Richard (all lovers meet the same fate someday, cynical and drunk passed out in a dark cafe, FUCK YEA!) are my Joni's contributions. When Joni is on, I have had many a male quietly back out of the room...

A more upbeat window to my soul, another anthem by Cake. If a man wants to know how I roll in a relationship, he should memorize Love You Madly. Shouldn't be that complicated, should it? (I don't want to think about it, I don't want to talk about it. When I kiss your lips I want to sink down to the bottom of the sea.) This song is why I get myself in trouble.....I really don't wanna examine it that closely. I just wanna DO it....balls out. Shouldn't we all want to love madly? Isn't there an incredible surge when you completely submit to another? To Love You Madly is All I Want. I don't want to wonder if this is a blunder...........