The Millionaire I Never Got to Know

Is it a prerequisite if you are a guy to be retarded or mentally ill to join EHarmony? I am beginning to think that is the case. I had a date with another douche I met there, the Snake Oil Salesman. After our first meeting, my Spidey senses were tingling that something was just not right. He wasn't what he was portraying himself to be. His resume read like the phone book; many disparate and weird job done for short periods of time. His current job, although legal, struck me as one step above a loan shark. He sells $500 computers to people that do not have credit for $2000. He drank a ton and told me the previous weekend he had done X and blow all weekend. Icky. I decided to trust my gut and never go out with this guy again. Sissy went off on me and remarked that I never have anything positive to say, that a guy is not their job, sometimes I should just go out and see if something will develop over time......tough love from Sissy. So The Snake Oil Salesman called me up and asked me out again and, with Sissy's stern chastising in mind, I said yes. We went for sushi and I didn't eat much as my tummy was upset. The bill came and there was this very awkward silence as I waited for him to pick it up
(I didn't eat!!) and apparently he was waiting for me to pick it up. I am never good in these situations, so I just ate the bill. We went to the Chimney Sweep and had some beers. He drank about three to every one I had. As we talked, I found out he still lives at home, owes a ton of money from a failed t-shirt business, never graduated from college (only had one credit to go), makes $10 an hour (no wonder he didn't reach for the bill, fucking scrub,) and various other facts which I found incompatible with my Prince Charming ideal. On the way home, he said that he felt I had a wall up. I told him, in the most gentle fashion, that I felt we were in two different places blah blah blah. He began to sob. Yes. SOB. I listened to him carry on for a bit until I said that I was leaving. I mean, I have NO idea how to deal with crying. I told HottieEsq when babies cry I offer them a twenty to shut up. Rarely works. I was having trouble with my gate key and he got out of the car and helped me. Once he opened the gate, he refused to give me my keys back and began berating me. After about twenty minutes of this, I told him I would call the cops if he didn't give my keys back. He complied by whipping them into the bushes. Picture me, in a dress and platforms fishing my keys out of the bushes in the pitch black. Good times. He wouldn't leave my courtyard either. Had to threaten to call the cops again. He left. My phone was ringing as I walked up the stairs, it was him. He left the message, "when you blog about me, you should title it the Millionaire I never got to know." Done.

The Gambling Douche

I am not sure where I should begin regarding my date last night. What a shizaster, I was digging my nails into my legs trying to maintain my cool. First, he pulls up in a 1970's Lincoln Town Car. He is not a car collector, this is his ride. I looked inside and the back seat is littered with empty bottles, including a bottle of Listerine (WTF?). There is a ton of trash in the back seat but what was most notable was there was both a flood light and flashlight in the front seat. In my mind, he was planning ahead for later that evening when he would be driving around the forest preserve looking for a place to dump my body. Those lights would come in handy to be sure. We went to Timmy Nolan's in Toluca Lake, kind of a dump and the food sucked. As he pulled out my chair, got me a beer, handed me a menu I replied, "Thank you." each time to which he replied, "No, thank YOU. It is my honor, my pleasure and my privilege." After about the tenth time he said that I told him he really needed to stop. REALLY needed to stop that. We were seated in front of a large t.v. which was playing the Yankees vs Red Sox game. He had a vested interest in the outcome as he had $250 bucks riding on it. He frequently referred to his "bookie" and when he won on the baseball game he breathed a sigh of relief and said that he would have his bookie apply the winnings from this bet to another debt he had incurred. At one point, he chose to go into great detail on how you bet on football games.....I started to loose my shit at this point and snapped back, "I don't care. I told you I don't watch sports and don't gamble. I REALLY don't care!" He mentioned that he lived up the street in the same house that he grew up in and I started thinking that he still lived with his parents and the hoopdie that he was driving was likely his mother's car. LOSER! He asked me to help him dress, told me he would take me shopping and mentioned his mother had just died two months prior (BTW, this is when serial murders start the killing, when mommy is gone....) All of this in the span of one hour and I had had my fill. I told him that I wasn't feeling this and I needed to go. He offered to drive me home which I declined as I didn't wanna become land fill. I walked down to Lucy's 51 and got drunk, kissed a bouncer, talked to my fuck buddy that won't fuck me for an hour on the cellie then went to sit down by the door as I was waiting for my taxi and missed the chair. Yeah. Can't go back there for a while. EHarmony sucks. I am thinking that I may just quit that for good.

It's Kat Bitch......

I am back from my blogging hiatus. Been working too much and haven't been able to get a date to save my life. I have also developed an obsession with the train wreck that is Britney Spears. Where the fuck are her pants? WHY DOES SHE NOT WEAR PANTS?!! I am thinking there may be a problem with my blog material as all I have to talk about is work and Britney. Not very interesting to most. At the insistence of HotteEsq, I have renewed my EHarmony membership. Day two and it is already beginning. Tell my if this is borderline creepy;

How would you spend a romantic evening with someone you have been dating for more than one year?:
I got the impression from you profile that you like to cook, so maybe we could spend time together preparing dinner...have a candle lit dinner, followed by a nice hot bubble bath together, perhaps a sensual massage...and see where things went from there. :-)

WTF? This grosses me out....sensual massage? Bubble bath together??? Letting me cook dinner? Um, try flowers, the Polo Lounge, some Tiffany's and THEN maybe you will get a blow job. Seriously, sensual massage?? Icky. Really grosses me out. Are guys into this kind of cheese, or is he just telling me what he thinks I want to hear? Granted, we have met on the Internet but I would be more interested if he said something along the lines of......

I would crack open a bottle of wine, crank some Zeppelin and fuck the shit out of you while I spank your ass and call you bitch.

At least THAT would show he has a pair. And good musical taste. I cannot date any man that I am more masculine than. Close match.

Yet another winner from Eharmony

Thought the Posse might get a kick of seeing the kind of guys I am being matched with on Eharmony. I think a picture says a thousand words.

Oh No he didn't.........

Oh HELL no! Here is the email I just got from Dolphin Man;

Kat, my sexiest love,

Nice hearing from you yesterday, Kat. Good to hear you are feeling better. I'm looking forward to getting together again after your Vegas trip, perhaps later next week. I want both uf us to be in top health when we meet, though! I want us both to totally & completely enjoy our time, conversations & experience together, OK???

Oh yes, sorry for exposing too much of my chest at dinner! I can't believe I looked like such a slut! I'll wear my starched priest's outfit next time we meet, unless you have another dress style you prefer...just say the word, cutie! And yes, I thoroughly enjoyed your plunging, so naughtily "oopsy" revealing 50's dress! It was very, very entertaining & alluring. You do that very, very well... DAMN NAUGHTY TEASER! By the way, I'm at dolphinman@iamafag.com if for any reason you don't have time to communicate by gracing me over the phone with your soft, sexy voice....Stay well & keep in close, close touch,

Yours, Dolphin Man

Guess the slutty June Cleaver dress works.....a little too well. I will have to make sure to only bust that for a man that I know can handle it. So, this guy goes into the blocked call list. G-r-0-S-S!!!!

This one is juuuussst right...............

Sometimes I feel like Goldilocks when dating. This one is too passive, this one is too short, this one is.....never "just right". I was optimistic about meeting the EHarmony guy for dinner last night. We seem to have a lot in common. Even our last two cars were the same. He is smart, he is funny, he is successful, wants kids, loves dogs and travels to cool and exotic locations a lot. He is a genuinely nice man with a lot to offer any woman. We met for dinner last night, first face to face meeting. He is shorter than me, which in and of itself wouldn't be a problem but he is a lithe man.....I have a feeling I could snap him in two with my strong Viking woman thighs. He has very small hands. Worst of all, he was wearing a dolphin necklace with mother of pearl on it. Ee. So very New Age and gay.......he is older than I, which is why he is in a place to give me what I need financially......theoretically, I could not work and stay home. I could be a lady that lunches, knits, works out, shops all day. I could not help but compare him to San Fran and Skeptic.....guys my own age with rock hard muscular bodies. When I wrap my arms (and legs) around them, I know I am with a M-A-N. They are also quite good looking. New Age guy is good looking but in a more delicate older guy way. He also seemed confused about things such as the valet. What really took me aback was when he used words like "tummy" and talked about how he accesses his physical, mental and emotional well-being. I mean, it is one thing to be self-actualized but this is a little much for me. (Mr. MBA absolutely agrees with me, he dumped a chick for calling his penis a "wee wee") What is wrong with me? If I were to go out with the New Age guy, I would be with someone that would be kind, capable of offering me everything I want and would LOVE me with all his heart and soul....yet, I am still craving the male machismo of a Skeptic or San Fran. Is there ever a "just right?" Can we have our needs met by only one other person? Why do I not want someone who is very clearly a catch? I think I am destined to constantly be kicking tires looking for the "ONE" that will allow me to rest easy. Wondering who will be sleeping in my bed and eating my porrage next.

Limbo! How low can you go?

I am actually looking forward to this weekend. I have been working my ass off......my house is a disaster and is starting to smell something like a habitrail. I am going to bust out tonight when I get home and make myself a fabulous dinner and sit on the couch and zzzzz......Tomorrow I am going to Santa Monica to Qs with some of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse to watch the fight...man oh man, I could eat Oscar up for lunch! He is FIONE!!! So, Sunday night I have a date!! With another Eharmony guy. This one is not a Nigerian Irish internet scammer so he is already way ahead of the last one! He has a local phone number and a regular American accent. He speaks French! Nous parlions en frencais! Who would have ever thought that the bar would be so low for me? Speaks English and is in North America. Pretty sad state of affairs for myself. Every relationship you have impacts you in some way. Sissy asked me if he had been married, had kids etc. I honestly didn't ask him. She seemed shocked and asked me, "don't you want to know if he has baggage?" I told her I just assume he does, he is 48, single and on Eharmony, duh! Of course he does. Of course I do. It is just a matter of finding out what those issues are and if I can deal with them. Have to start mentally ticking off all of the "deal breaker" issues in past relationships that are on my list. Take antidepressants? (which is ok, as long as you actually TAKE them). Do you have a good relationship with your mother? (but not TOO close of a relationship). Are you employed? (but don't work ALL the time). So far, he seems ok but I am sure he will add something to this ever growing list.

Eharmony scamarama

I am beginning to think that Single Dad is one of those Internet schemers that try to bilk money out of poor, lonely single women. I am the latter, however, I am also too smart to fall for this crap. Let's look at the warning signs, shall we? We have already covered the "schmmopy" thing....too much too soon. He has told me a sad story regarding how his girlfriend took a bunch of money and abandoned him and their daughter (who could not be cuter, he shared pictures of her IMMEDIATELY). He has made himself a noble guy by telling me he is going to Africa to check out one of the many children's charities he funds (this one is for children with HIV). He called me this morning, and the phone number, which I am sure he forgot to block, was 13 digits long. When I asked him where he lived, he said LA. Um, OK...can you narrow that down a lil bit? (Now, if you didn't know ANYTHING about LA, what street would you name?) He told me he lived on Hollywood Blvd. (Right, exactly). My spidey senses are tingling, something is just not right here. Curiosity is getting the better or me so I began pushing for a meeting. We agreed on Friday. I asked him for a local number I could contact him on and the line went dead. Think I should hold Friday afternoon for him?

To add on, the 13 digit number he called from began with 234....here is what came up when I Googled;
Nigeria international country codes & city calling code. International Country Code for calling Nigeria. Nigeria country code: 234 ...
nuf said.

Ok, yet another update. Please bear in mind this is the ONLY person I have spoken to off of Eharmony. I just called to report him to Eharmony and they are WELL aware of who he is. He uses this children's charity line etc. on all of his different personas. When they find "Sonny" out, they shut him down and he just opens another account with a different name and different picture. Good news, at least my gut instincts were right. My mojo and gaydar may be broken, but my sense of self-preservation is not. I have to remember the words of Mr. Fantastic, God just doesn't want me to be happy.

The Mouse is Dead

Single Dad is turning out to be quite a weirdo. We chatted last Saturday where he seemed normal and somewhat cool. We chatted, briefly, yesterday morning when it started to appear that he is a bit of a freak; "My BEAUTIFUL Kat! I missed you soooooo baaaddddddddd! Did you stay sweet? Honey, schmoopy, baby......." I am not a schmoopy girl. Certainly not with someone I have had two brief conversations with. This is too much too fast and it is freakin' me out. Boy Gorgeous and I were discussing this relating a recent "Come to Jesus" convo he had with one of his chicks. It is best in the beginning to play your cards close to your vest. This way, the mark reads into the silence what they want to see there. Their imagination allows them to insert their own frame of reference into the gap thus creating the ideal mate. To illustrate this, let's use Single Dad. He is spazzy and I am reading this as desperation and insincerity. Now, had he approached me Dragnet style (just the facts mam) I would view him as cool, together and possible relationship material. Because he is volunteering all of this over the top bullshit, he has eliminated my ability to fantasize about him. There is no mystery. It is all on the table and that is no fun. My friend Tania used to say, "cats don't play with dead mice." The thrill is in the chase and discovery. If we are already at this crescendo where is left to go in a relationship? The only place is down I tell you. I am suspicious of anyone that serves their emotions up so readily.

Husband Material

I have been displeased with Eharmony.....it takes so frickin' long to get to the point where you can actually talk to someone. I haven't gotten many matches either. I will say, it is nice when you can see they are 5'4 or a postman and just click "close match" and not worry about having to sugar coat the truth about why you are not interested in continuing. I finally got to the point where I am speaking to one guy, Single Dad. We chatted for quite a while yesterday and I am cautiously optimistic about this guy. He honestly seems pretty cool! He has a five year old daughter, who is BEAUTIFUL. He is successful and tall (6'4)! He has a good sense of humor. He wants marriage. How often do you hear that from a guy in La?? I am actually looking forward to speaking to him today. Maybe I will be on one of their commercials. Here I go again.....getting too excited. I need to slow that roll and just chillax as Sissy would say. I hope I am ready for a "grown up" relationship. Can I get rid of my Sponge Bob cuddle pillow? Or my tshirt that says, Please Lick Me? Or my PJ's that say, Boys are Smelly? Would someone actually entrust their child to me? Kids love me....that is for sure. This is a classic case of be careful what you wish for......I think it might be a nice change of pace being with someone that is stable and grounded. Maybe some of that will rub off on me.