I'm Their Best New Straight

Before I went out tonight, I took one of those stupid Facebook quizzes, "How Well Do You Know Men?" A friend took it and scored 100%, thought it was rigged. I took it and got, wait for it...wait....0%. My score was "Pathetic" and I am doomed to "live a very lonely life." I posted on her page that it was accurate as what I know about men would fill a thimble. Perfect for my confidence going into a date. Firefly tonight. As y'all know I am anally on time to the point of ALWAYS being early to everything. So, I got to my date with the Silver Fox almost a half hour early. Waiting for a drink at the bar I was hovering over this chick and she turned around...thought she was going to shit herself. I surprised her. Ohhhh, sorry! I start talking with the chicks (Chatty Kathy, I am prone to talking to EVERYONE) and I met the Editor and ABC Chick. Lesbian couple, together for ten years. Do you know how you feel when you instantly make best friends? Magical, amazing, fucking hilarious women. I said I could be 100% lesbo if it weren't for the whole "downtown" issue. Editor said she hates it too....there are ways around it (color Kat intrigued.) I let them know what I was up to. Over the course of the half hour, they invited me to an event tomorrow. I am a fag hag woefully short on fags these days so they promised to hook me up. I didn't even realize how lacking my life was without lesbians until tonight. Silver Fox showed up and I wrote my number on a cocktail napkin and signed it, "Kat, your new best straight." So the date itself was ok. He is so short....as I walked away from the Lesbian Chick Posse I whispered, "the ocean called and they are all out of shrimp!" I just don't think I can go there. We drank, we ate, we left....he paid for everything including the valet. I could not wait to text those crazy bitches when I got home. They were watching and Auntie Mame movie. Editor and I quoted the exact same line at the exact same time! "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" So frickin' ironic as ChiBird was just saying this to me today. Tomorrow I am going to a gay bar where me and the Lesbian Posse will be the only three girls there. I mentioned I will pass as a tranny and Editor texted, "A tranny with a vaggy!!! You are my new bff, text me every five minutes!" ABC Chick texted with an apology a second later, "That was from Editor, I am not so crude. Her cell phone no...XXXX, she is crying at Auntie Mame." Here is to new beginnings....being a lesbian without going downtown? Who knew? Oh yeah, bringing Silver Fox tomorrow. He is NOT thrilled about going to a gay bar. (douche?)

Who's that sleeping in my bed?

I have a date tonight with the Silver Fox. This has been a very busy week for the girl here vis a vis whoring around. Some days, I feel more like Goldilocks than others...this one is too hard, this one is too soft......while I search for Mr. Just Right, I seem to be stuck with Mr. Just Right Now. I'm chatting with my buddy Latin Lover....talk about one depraved individual. Freakishly Tall Guy has told me to be at his house Monday at 8 PM, sharp. As I posit about what degrading and (possibly) herpes inducing plans he has for me, Latin Lover gets more and more aroused. I told him it is all fun and games until I wake up in Mexico starring in a donkey show. That "tickles his pickle" and has left our chat hanging while he goes into the bathroom at work and rubs one out. We agree that sometimes fantasy should just stay that way, the reality of the situation never living up to the images conjured up in our heads. Like the Friends episode where Ross has a 3some and ends up making a sandwich. Latin Lover notes, "there are just too many variables and it would just be disappointing." I can imagine a pile of awkward limbs at odd angles. Being the graceful gazelle that I am there is no other outcome possible. So, sigh, back to the fishing pond. Perhaps the Silver Fox and Goldilocks will be "just right." Latin Lover, "try not to suck any dicks on the way to your date!" Oh, I'll try.