a whore is a whore

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMy6X5cQul8


My fellow lovers, I have been blogging elsewhere as I cannot talk about my debauched love affair here.

I am totally in love with Big Love, aka. Poly Guy.

After he dumped me in October we renegotiated our situation. I am actually totally cool. He has shared honestly with me and now I know the lay of the land.

I was out with Doc last Saturday for lunch. He lives with a woman and recently bought a home with her yet he incessantly screws around. He was giving me shit about my choice to be with Big Love. I am not a fan of hypocrisy so I called him on his shit. Big Love loves me, and he loves two other women. He is honest about it. Doc screws around, doesn't make connections and gets off on the duplicity. Big Love is honest. He loves me and there are two other women. We all matter to him. It isn't about getting his dick wet.

If Big Love were expecting me to be loyal to him I would say no fucking way Jose. In this relationship I am finding a freedom I never thought you could have. He is my primary. I love the shit out of him and vice verse. I am still free to explore other people. The core is my loving of who he is. I am still coming to terms with that alone.

My longest relationship was 11 years. Yup, 11 fucking years. When you are with someone this long, you know their every move. It becomes tedious. Sex every night i the same the same the fucking same...it's not like you are suddenly going to bust out some fucking rock star new move. You know what they will order at the restaurant, how they will valet the car...which team they watch and root for. It really gets boring as shit.

I am making a bold statement; I am a polyamourous woman. I can maintain multiple serious relationships at one time as can Big Love. He is my primary. Everything flows so beautifully from there.

so you straight Christians that are my blog readers, just letting you know where I've been and what I have been doing. I hope you are well.

such a double edged sword......

I saw PolyGuy last Thursday after a three week separation. He came over and I made a fabulous dinner. We had a wonderful time catching up. I love him. If it weren't for this whole polyamory bullshit thing I would be head over heels. I just don't know if I can do it. I deserve better than that. It is hard when I am looking over a candlelit table, laughing and happy to think of anything but capturing the moment. Sunday, he picked me up and took me to Philipe's in downtown Los Angeles. This is a restaurant famous for having invented the french dip sandwich. The lines were long but the wait was made bearable because I hung on him as we laughed and talked. Lunch was perfect and we went to a sex store and picked up some goodies. Back to my place to give them a test drive. We had a perfect day together, something between us has changed and it is so natural and, well, right. He commented that we have moved into a new phase, that he felt it too. So why am I so bloody blue today? In my heart of hearts I know it isn't right for me. Can this or will this lead anywhere except heartbreak for me.

Devil's Playground

Last week had to be the worst week I have ever had professionally. Monday night, I was having mad panic attacks and the Xanax just wasn't touching them. At some point, I decided full on sedation was the only thing I could do and I took an Ambian and was out by ten. 12:30 comes around and Poly guy called me (I have no recollection of this.) Evidently, I said something he didn't like and he dumped me. Tuesday morning I wake up and think, wow...what a bad dream. I thought I had dreamed being dumped until about three hours into my day when I noticed the completed call in my phone log. D'oh! For the best in that I don't think I can handle a Big Love sort of lifestyle. I was surprisingly miserable over it and my work week continued to suck heavy metal ass. Even my iPod conspired to make me miserable. Every romantic and emo song seemed to come up in the shuffle. I looked at it and cried, "et tu iPod?!?!?" Friday night, I went to Freakishly Tall Guy's house where he made me an amazing dinner followed by a steady stream of Sex Crack. Upon arrival home at 2AM PolyGuy was iming me. He wants me back. Sure, why not. I never see him so it isn't like it impacts my life in any significant fashion. He left to visit his parents for a week and we will see if he steps up his game when he gets back. Yesterday, he asked me to do something that would permanently alter my body.....FOREVER. He balked when I replied with a HELLZ NO! Stating I was only willing to submit to him on my terms....he didn't like it when I told him that I really needed him to have a little skin in the game and reminded him he dumped me last week. Not inspiring much security or confidence in our "relationship" or whatever you call this..... in the meantime, I have a date tonight with PopStar. I am sick of sitting around with my thumb up my ass not getting any (sex, companionship, consideration, time.) I will have to remind PolyGuy what they say about idle hands.......

could not be right before my eyes?

Recently, what has caught me most off-guard is how much I am loved/coveted. Facebook has been a mad ego boost for the girl. EVERY single guy I knew in high school chats with me, and eventually admits their hs (and lingering) crush on me. I am still retarded this way, I never get when guys like me. My picker is terminally broken.

Today was a really bad day, both personally and professionally. I wanted to kill myself until Mr. MBA told me I should just move home and marry him. We have talked every day for the last eight years I have been out here. We have been friends for fifteen... Tonight he knew I was super unhappy, vulnerable and fucked up. He said, "Kat, I will always take care of you. I should be your first call if you are in trouble. No strings. I love you."

I love him too. What a fucked up fucking day.

I dunno about this......

I have not been having a good go of it lately. After falling off my shoes then shitting my pants, I developed the most remarkable urinary tract infection. In the meantime, I decided to get involved with a polygamist. I don't think this is going to work for me. The idea of having another woman around to clean is appealing (I have long said I would like to have my own wife) I think that I just may be too much of an attention whore to find satisfaction in this dynamic. I have seen him only once in the last two weeks (which isn't entirely his fault as I did have fire in the hole and a trip to Mexico during this time period.) I am not experimenting with different lifestyles to find myself even more alone and isolated which seems to be what is occurring now. Plus, he sucks in bed. He is a humper and a prolific one at that. All signs point to experiment fail. We haven't delved very deep into this relationship and I find myself already feeling sad, neglected and alone. I also have a lot of time to fill.....apparantly I spend a good deal of time dating, chatting with boys or fishing for more of them. I'm bored as shit with nothing to back fill these dating activities. Tonight PolyGuy is coming over. Not quite sure what is worse, a doll collector that is honest about his intentions or a guy that cloaks the same activities in concern, love and promises of "forever." I will let you know Posse.

double ended volcano

Friday night, I twisted my ankle wearing rediculously high heels while out with my gays in WeHo. I was fine until Saturday morning when I found myself in the emergency room being X-rayed, splinted and shot in the ass with morphene. As the doc approached me with the needle I said, "Isn't that a little extreme shooting me with (shot) mooorreephene...helloooooo lover. Where ya been all my life?" I spent the rest of the weekend popping pain pills, in and out of conciousness. It is a drug fuled blurr to be honest. Monday, I overslept for my company con call, fell asleep while on it and then slept a good portion of the day on the clock. I do not fare well with pain meds as Monday afternoon I started throwing up. The problem for me is there is no lead time. No tell-tale mouth watering, sweaty brow, churning stomach....you are just there and the next thing you know you are spewing the Niagra Falls of vomit onto whatever happens to be in your path. This continued on until Tuesday when I mustered the nerve to leave my place. I did some work related errand. I was out at the UPS store when something really unexpected happened. I shit my pants. Same as the barfing. No warning. No burning. I ran out of the UPS store hoping nobody noticed and came home. No more incidents last night, phew. This morning I got up and took the dogs out. Shit my pants, more accurately shorts. Thank God I was wearing a long sweater or that would have been even more embarassing. I white knuckled it through the day as I had to take the train down to Orange County and sit in long meetings not knowing if my body would continue to rebel on me. MILFie and I were talking today and I expressed my fear. She said, "I hope your brought double of everything! And also some Pleasure Wipes would come in handy!" I limped through the day on my crutches fearful that every grumble and groan in my belly would lead to professional doom. You can imagine my relief when I got back on the train home without incident. I texted MILFie, "I didn't shit my pants today!! I rolled the dice and ate some cheese. LITERALLY a crapshoot!" yay! It dawned on me that I am either WAYYYYY too old or WAYYYY to young to be worrying about such things. At this stage of my life, I shouldn't give a shit.

One is silver and the other's gold....

Who knew the Girl Scouts would still be relevant for this old bag? The song about making new friends and keeping the old is still quite apt. OriginalKat is genuINE, certified 14K gold friendness. We have been friends since grade school with a brief (9 or 10 year??) lapse in conversation. Humiliating gym uniforms and spin the bottle at Elm Place middle school. Deep psychic pubescent wounds that will never heal (thank you DM!) Getting high together at HPHS, travelled the world singing with the choir, forged our way into the world after college (me living on her sofa pretty much for a year afterward,) we were bridesmaids for one another. Great friends just have a short-hand. Years melt...she is uber mom to three beautiful boys. I was somewhat pissed that the older one didn't recognize me, he has met me...(running around in diapers at 1 1/2...but still!) The Husband is still that great amazing catch she recognized 14 years ago this Wednesday (bridesmaid and florist for her wedding. First event ever at the restored Navy Pier and it was just magical!) We spent the evening talking about past experiences, lost friends and current woes. The beautiful thing about it to me is that there is no wall..no representative. We just talked honestly. Two women. Two friends.

The bar across the street from her apartment she so graciously allowed me to squat in after college in Chicago...above the Time Well (remember the rope fire ladder your dad bought you OriginalKat???) was call the Crash Palace (cherry bombs are deadly by the way.) Her fav tshirt is one from there...Elvis shoveling a fork full of pills into his mouth. I had that shirt too and lost it. I need to be more thoughtful with things I care about from my past. Love you OriginalKat!

I found this review of the Crash Palace on the internets....seems appropriate as this is where we spent EVERY Wednesday for years;

"The Crash Palace is dark. The people wear black. The music is hip. The music is loud. The drinks are cheap. The men's restroom is dirty. The Psychotronic Film Society presents B movies here once a week. There is no one here on weekdays until late. There is no cover any day of the week. There are images of Jesus on the red walls. You'll probably either really like this place or dislike it intensely."

– Sweet Home Chicago – The Real City Guide (1993)

I will school you boyz!

BurningManChild

It is Wednesday and I have been up since 5AM. I have over 200 miles to drive and five account calls ahead of me today. Tomorrow will be much the same.

It has been a quiet week, Freakishly Tall Guy is at Burningman. SurfGirl just dumped her famous movie star boyfriend and he was also desert bound. I don't get it. From what I gather, it is a drug and sex party attended by 220,000 people all coming together to be individuals. Hey, I did something similar when I was in my 2os...it was called the Grateful Dead. At least we had some shitty music to bind us together. Some guy I was talking to told me that he had thought the same thing about Burningman until he went, "It is a cultural happening. A celebration!" When pressed about what the cohesive theme to this event was he said, "It is like Mardi Gras and Carnival rolled into one!" Yup, drug and sex party like I said. SurfGirl and I pinkie truced that if we ever dated a man that aspired to go to Burningman that was an immediate termination. Irresponsible and juvenile. I suspect after a few days in the desert with free love and no showers, Pleasure Wipes are looking pretty darn good.

Went back to the Internet fishing hole to work on my pipeline. Have a couple of tunas on the hook. Have not heard from SoonToBeFameousGuy. Have a date with LaundryMan Friday. It was a bit of an awkward conversation with him last night. Last time we chatted, I told him he needed to work on his kissing (there MAY have been alcohol involved.) Last night he told me he had hired a hooker to work on his skillz with...I just played dumb and pretended not to know what he was talking about. Oopsie! Reason ten thousand and one on why not to drink and chat. In my own defense, he is the worst kisser ever.

One door closes....let's see what's behind door no. 2

I'm not sure if me being a bit blue today is a function of being tired and hung over or that our good time last night was ruined, partially by me. Freakishly Tall Guy texting me also bummed me out. I was lead down the primrose path by him and I feel pretty duped. Pretty amazing that a guy like that can get endless tail.

Speaking of endless tail, I should perk up. I have a date with SoonToBeFameousGuy. I have known him for months, neighborhood guy. Pretty cute, tall but a "comedian." My response was, "yeah, so am I." Living in LA I have developed an immediate distaste for those in the "biz" and dismissed him without a second thought. Most actors etc. are narcissistic hacks that are pretty vapid in my experience. On my date a couple of weeks ago, SoonToBeFameousGuy was flirting with me in front of the LaundryMan. He followed me outside to have a cig and said, "I just got the trailer for my show today. I'm pretty excited. Wanna see?" Anticipating a low budget public access type trailer a la Wayne's World I nonchalantly said, "yeah. Sure." He pulled out his iPhone and starts the video for his show, that is debuting next season on Fox called 'The SoonToBeFameousGuy Show.' Color me gobsmacked. He is actually a working actor with his own show coming out. Hello lover......We have been texting for a couple of weeks and just haven't been able to hook up. Tonight's the night!

UPDATE: Fell asleep on the couch. Missed our date. Oopsie.

Liza at the Bowl

It it embarrassing for me to have a Prince Charming. Hollywood Bowl for Liza tonight with my gays. ABC chick and I were taking too loudly for some people's preference. Nobody said a word...until intermission. Gay douche behind me slapped my drink out of my hand. I was soaked as was the poor girl in front of me. They called over the ushers...who got their managers...got ugly. Nobody likes a group of nasty queens. I was sopping wet, the dramz was too much so we left. Pretty expensive couple of hours. In the meantime...FTG was inviting me over for a 3some (he has a big pair doesn't he? EW!)....SoonToBeFameous guy wants to hang out and party, Laundry Guy...well just texting. My hero is ABC Chick. Maybe I should look more closely at being a lesbian.

RIP FTG

A week of revelations.

In LA, it is hard to believe I could meet people that know Freakishly Tall Guy but I did. He has quite the reputation for being a "doll collector" and I have been his latest conquest. I am freaking out as I am now confident he is not very selective on where he sticks his penis. Every itch I have is scabies, every zit forming is herpes and every stomachache is the clap. I (PROBABLY) didn't catch anything, but the idea is keeping me up at night. In this instance, KnitStar's observation that most men are looking for three quiet wet spots with no sharp edges is spot on. EW.

How is quantity over quality more rewarding? FTG asked me over last night and I just couldn't manage the doe-eyed empty gaze, pursed lips and "momma" when you tipped me over. When I think of his place now, it is a bio hazard zone in my mind. Just couldn't do it. Done. How can other women accept this? He does it because they allow it. What does this say about us as women in LA? Despite being seemingly tough, I recognize that I have a porcelain exterior. I am not going to wait around for that to be broken or chipped. Or to be tossed aside for a shiny new doll. I collected dolls once too, but then I grew up.

Facing My Fears.....Fueled By Beers

One of my friends noted that I seem to put myself in bizarre situations constantly. Last weekend, I finally agreed to go with my new girl crush SurfGirl and learn to surf. I also told Mellow I am going to take the plunge and learn to dive. Tonight, I am having dinner with a couple that does extreme BDSM porn. Saturday, 3some...this time with another girl. In the light of day, it is apparent to me that I am a big chicken and this was alcohol talking. Will I go through with it? Absofuckinglutely! My 3rd grade SpellingPartner (and best friend up until a blow out fight about 7 years ago...) used to be the more adventurous of the two us. She went lesbo for a while, then was part of a Poly relationship, dated tons of different ethnicities.....now, she is married to a Jewish doctor, two kids and living in the suburbs. She is a housewife. When telling her about my opportunities I was surprised by the verve with which she said, "DO IT!!!! Do it while you still can! We aren't getting any younger and take every opportunity that comes your way!!!" As lonely as my life can be from time to time, at least I can still have experiences that most only fantasize about. While I continue on my quest for Mr. Right, I need to remember what a blessing total freedom can be and not waste it. I should be taking my writing classes, climbing mountains, interacting with all kinds of diverse people. I may be a chicken, but I am a free range one! Some may say DEranged....

Bad Fad

Never wanting to miss a fad, I was strangely fascinated by the Pleasure Wipes. Am I so old school that I think good hygiene and soap and water is enough to make my deep cavernous hole a tasty treat to men? If you ask me, my shit is tight and is very much like sucking on moonbeams or having an encounter with a mythical unicorn. Then again, what I know about men could fill a thimble and my opinion (sadly) doesn't matter. I was wondering if I was out of touch with pussy protocol, as if I were walking around with a 70s bush baby downtown...so I polled the posse. In my defense, 100% polled have never heard of a Pleasure Wipe. The women universally wondered how nasty does your shit have to be and what funk are you trying to cover to use them? With one exception, the men all prefer a woman to smell and taste like a woman. The exception, the very kinky Japanese guy I am friends with. He said, "VANILLA!!! I would be there for a day straight!" Of note was how often the men did mention they have had a disgusting encounter downtown where the Pleasure Wipe would have been of use. I am happy to say after my super scientific research that the fad is bad! Also at stake here, my personal well-being. One degree of separation from someone that obviously needs this level of personal cover-up is likely to have some bad ju ju going on. Bad ju ju=stinky spoo spoo. Nuff said.

Coming down from the buzz is a bitch

It occurs to me that when you reach a certain age, dating is much different than it was when you were younger. Youth allows you a certain wanton recklessness with your time and who your are dating is a function of how much fun they are. This is how I spent my 20s and 30s. I never really "picked" who I was with. I found myself falling from one serious relationship to the next, leaving when my needs stopped being met or something new and shiny caught my attention. As long as you didn't catch something like a disease or a baby, it is all fun and games and nothing went on your permanent record.

Now, I am 40 something.

It is an entirely different landscape. Los Angeles exacerbates the symptoms, like dropping dating acid. It is surreal, unpredictable and the minute you start to trip balls you want it to end. I was with Freakishly Tall Guy last night. I haven't seen him for a week and when I complained you may remember he told me to "get some filler booty." He did call me Saturday night for a booty call at 12:30....I told him I was with "filler booty" and couldn't come over. It is amazing what Sherlock Holmes (me) notices when I come into his apartment. There is a new decorative refrigerator magnet...an empty bottle of Pinot Grigio (FTG would die of thirst before he ever drank that.) When I went in the bathroom there was a wrapper for "Pleasure Wipes" in strawberry flavor in the garbage can. Yea, we had fun. Yea, the sex was great. Somehow that isn't enough. I am coming down from my high and want it to end.

I am worried about what will go on my permanent record now. Call me old fashioned, but I would prefer to keep my cookie neat and clean by showering and not have to use "Pleasure Wipes." I want sex to smell and taste like sex...not the available flavors of vanilla, mango or strawberry (or in my mind, scented candles, tropical fruit drink or straberry shortcake.) Someone that wants (or more scary, NEEDS) their cookie to taste like a strawberry shortcake is likely someone I don't want to be one degree of separation from.

This isn't going anywhere. According to Doc, he does like me but for whatever reason, I am not going to be someone he commits to. It would be much easier if I could find some dating weed to take the edge off of coming down.

nip slip

Sonofabitch. I have gotten pretty spoiled working from my home office. I resented getting showered and dressed on a Monday morning. Usually I rock Mondays out in sweats and tshrit. Basically, jammies. Had to do a training this morning and got all professional: fluffy and shiny. I do my training, and on my way out I notice my left nipple decided to make a run for the border. Did I mention my blouse was a couture Nanette Lapour ridiculously expensive top...and see-thru? So, I showed my tit to twenty of my former co-workers. As I am digesting what occurred, I had the thought...dammit! It cost me a fortune to look this cheap.

so much for the flow.....

UPDATE: tentative plans with FTG today and I just got this IM;

FTG: hey you - had fun yesterday! poor "happy but unsatisifed whore"! LOL see you soon...

I love the impersonal, hey YOU.....guess we aren't doing anything today. Good for me, going to Venice with AppleBottom anyway.

UPDATE: FTG wanted me to come over at 8. I said no. Tuesday perhaps? Perhaps.......

Chop Wood, Carry Water

Sunday morning and reflecting on my weekend. Friday, had a blast with Freakishly Tall Guy and AppleBottom. First, started over at FTG's house for a little "reunion" if you catch my drift. We hadn't seen each other for a week and a half and had some catching up to do. Interesting going to meet AppleBottom with rope marks on my arms and chest...we also wore the "I've tried Menage a Trois" buttons that AppleBottom gave me as a joke. Don't think she would have given them to me if she thought I would actually wear them. We went to Cafe Cordilaire....ok R&B band and lots of wine. Went to the Chimney Sweep afterward, I was cut off before I even got started there. I got to spend the night at FTG's house. It has been so long since I have slept in someone's arms. I have to say, I really miss it.

Saturday, we slept in, fooled around a couple more times. We went the ABC chick's bday party in Malibu. It was nice to have a +1. The Kittens and The Brads were fun as usual. FTG had to leave early, but I stayed spending a nice relaxing day on the beach with some good company.

I am looking for some odd angle, or a place to insert some acerbic witticism into this story, but I can't find it. It was comfortable being with FTG. I am at center right now. I am not wrestling with any internal turmoil. I am like water and FTG is the rock that I flow over, slowly wearing down. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I am happy to go with the flow for now. I inadvertently smuggled some of Paradise Cove back to the Valley. I am like the Thomas's English Muffin for sand, so many nooks and crannies to hide in! Shower then mourning the weekend. It was a nice one.

Being a minx is a double edged sword.......

Travelled with Current Boss all day today. I think my emo hormonal shit from going back on the kill pill has passed. I had a great day. Until 5PM. There was an industry drinking and fighting event at the Sagebrush today. En route, I had to confess to Current Boss that I had a bit of an awkward situation about to unfold. I had (inadvertantly) found myself dating my Old Boss. Current Boss found this hysterically funny. Over the last 8 years, I have considered Old Boss a friend. Often, we would get together for drinks and go to industry events in groups. Several months ago, the invitations were coming more frequently, and the groups becoming smaller. Finally, we were at a Laker's game when it dawned on me that, holy shit! I am on a date with Old Boss! As I had this epiphany, he reached for my hand. FUCK!!! I handled this in the most mature fashion I could muster, I just stopped taking his calls or answering texts and emails. I know he has been butt hurt, I am hearing it from a lot of people. I had to face the inevitable, and that was tonight. I warned Current Boss that I expected him to be my human shield. I took a deep breath as we approached Sagebrush and motherfucker! Old Boss was blocking the only entrance into the bar. He greeted me with an enthusiastic, "Kaatttt!!! How are you?!?!?!" and then looked me up and down commenting on how much weight I have lost and that I am too skinny...Current Boss crept away. I tore myself away from Old Boss and smacked Current Boss, "way to be a human shield! And thanks for ditching me!!" He said he did body block but I went in front of him instead of in back and, "I had to leave when he started checking you out, got creepy....." Old Boss sort of followed me around.

Adding to the discomfort of the evening, I also ran into Potential Future Boss. He offered me a job back in Jan. Mind you, he has been trying to hire me for five years. I told him I was interested, and never heard from him again. Basically, he doesn't trust himself to control his penis around me which is why he didn't hire me. Good times.

I did hear from Freakishly Tall Guy today. My stomach flipped when he asked to chat with me, I was convinced I was being dumped. He wants to spend Friday and all day Saturday with me! What a nice surprise! I am looking forward to this weekend. It is nice to have some wanted male attention! Meow!

Beach Party!

Sunday night I lost my shit on Freakishly Tall Guy. He has been invited to a party with me next Saturday thrown by The Kittens and our best gays, The Brads. This is sure to be a top-shelf event as that is how The Kittens and The Brads roll. I have been planning my outfit for this beach party for a month. I got my nails done in a hot pink with white flowers and pink diamonds on my toes to match my hot pink bikini and floral wrap. I bought the bday girl a $70 bottle of Woodford Reserve whiskey and ordered a lei. I still am on a quest for the perfect card. The "official" beach party goes from 2-5 but we were told to plan on partying way into the evening. So, when FTG told me he had to leave to help a "friend" at 7.....frankly I was pissed. I am allowing him to be my "plus one" to this event, and some other bitch will be getting laid Saturday night. Mind you, this convo did happen at 10PM Sunday, I was exhausted, just started back on the kill pill and have been emo for several days and the full moon cometh. So, I apologized to FTG yesterday and he was ice cold. I asked if we were still on for Wednesday and he non-commitally said, "We had plans Wednesday. er, ok if we had plans I guess so......" No surprise I get the text yesterday afternoon bowing out as he has to go "work." I am beyond caring so I just gave him some, "go get 'em tigers! Land that account! No worries....." Normally, if we had to change plans he would give me an alternate time..but nope. So, in true metaphysics 101 fashion....just as I was taking his news with equanimity...I get an email from a guy I have been talking to on Plentyoffish.com. Hot hot hot piece of ass and seems funny and smart from our emails. He wants to meet and the only day he can do cocktails is Wednesday! One door closes, another one opens. Ultimately, I fucked up with FTG. Sissy thinks he will bail on the Kitten party yet. As Annie Hall would say, "la ti dah, la ti dah!"