Smelly McSmellerson

I smell bad. I mean, I smoke and yet....I recognize I smell bad. I just cannot imagine what a mortal nose would smell if it were to smell me. To top it off, my sink in my kitchen is totally fucked up. I cannot run water without it flowing in black muckyness on the floor. Which also smells. The black muckyness. It is raining...my dogs smell. Awful. Again, I have killed and paralyzed my cylia in my mucas membranes and I can still smell the smell. Wet, smoky, rotten kitchen smell dog. In the effort to not smell while I get the plumber in, I have been doing dishes in my bathroom. It now smells too. Bathroom sinks are not intended to drain fetid kitchen shit. It is stuck and smelly. Welcome to my world. It is a disgusting cigerette, wet dog, fetid food, icky goo on the floor and not draining rotten food in the bathroom sink kind of smell. Ok, it was really the bathtub. It was completely disgusting picking mushrooms out of the bathtub drain. Are you happy people?!?!?!?!?

pour a lil on the ground for the dead relationship....

It breaks my heart to hear my friends in pain. Even when the pain is something you can see coming from ten thousand miles away and can be avoided, yet decide the experience is more important that the consequence. I admire the bravery. We have all made the choice to be with someone we know is temporary and will break our hearts. I have a ginormous pain in my heart right now for one of my very best friends that I know is hurting today. I just want to hug her up and tell her it will be ok...even though today it doesn't seem so. To all my friends that have been hurt and made the leap in spite of their own best judgements, let's give props to my sissy that is hurting so badly tonight. Love you girl.

I was the bar star....not in a good way

Hello my people, the new year is starting with some promising notes for our girl Kat. New Years Eve, had a very last minute and surprise date. We went to Firefly and the conversation and company was simply delightful. I had yet another date on the 1st.....not quite so high brow, beer and not wine sort of date but frickin' fantastic. IT Guy and I started for lunch at Stanleys...which turned into cocktails. We decided to change venues and went to the Sweep. It was still daylight which is a very different experience at the Sweep. IT Guy is super hot, 6'4 and funnier than hell! We got along like a house on fire. He makes me laugh, hysterically belly type laughing. We feed each other's silly childish sense of humor and it was so much fun! At one point we go off to the smoking patio at the Sweep and start to kiss. He is super tall....I was pressed up against him as we talked and laughed and kissed and kissed. At one point, he mentioned..."you know we are in front of the window here"....having only been there at night I was like, "pfft...that window is blacked out, you can't see out here from in there!" He was so big it was irresistable...I had to climb his body. I threw myself at him wrapping my legs around his waist and arms around his neck. Cheers emenated from inside the bar. IT Guy says, "you know that is for us right?" Me, "pfft, no no no no...they are watching a football game, must have been a good play." We continue to flirt and kiss outside when an old lady pops her head out and asks, "would you two like a room? If not you are entertaining everyone in the bar." Oops. We walk back inside the bar, and are met with much clapping. A really old guy told me that he had to leave and go home to masturbate. He also thanked us for the show. I checked out the window and yup...sure as shit you can see through the window as plain as day. Fuck yes, I am a Bar Superfucking Star! To be perfectly honest, we weren't doing anything very sexual or gross, just kissing. I think the mad chemestry just kicked up the pheramones and made everyone in the bar a bit drunker. At the end of the day, I had a great couple of dates....will be a while until I go back to the Sweep however....I hope all the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse had a wonderful holiday. I am just hoping next year will be better for me. Happy New Years kids!

I spin

I am sentimental and optimistic all at the same time. Are these mutually exclusive states? I am about to explode with hope, and happiness, and amazing memories....I don't even know where to start. This is all on the backdrop of some complete and total freak I went out with once which reminds me of all the crazies that are out there. I am spinning and I need focus. There is so fucking much inside that needs to come out. I just don't know where to start. I am happy. I am happy. Nothing is better, nothing is right yet. I haven't said that in so long.

Two weeks ago I went out with the CFO...and it was a fucking disaster. I made some huge errors in judgement, starting with taking him to my local bar...dammit! Now he knows where I hang out.

I invited him to hang with me and AppleBottom (frickin' back so delicious I wanna take a bite out of her ass myself) and he showed up at the Sweep. Everything was going fine, until he got a few cocktails in him. Afterward, he started groaping me, cornered me and stuck his tongue down my throat and was just generally up in my shit all night long. Somewhere along the line, I started talking with BMW guy and his Fameous Actor Friend who were much funnier, much smarter and much better looking than the CFO guy.

20 things I don't tell anyone

1. I put ketchup on everything. I cannot eat nachos or tacos without it, I call it white trash salsa.
2. Number one song on my iPod is Rock Your Body, yes yes Justin Timberlake
3. I drink alone
4. I live like I am in a frat house, ALWAYS have to call first. (relatively new for me.)
5. I talk to myself a lot
6. I genuinely belive the 80's were the hayday for white people. ('Cept for disco. Could better dances be invented for us ever?!?!?!?)
7. I butter rice crispy treats
8. My first fuck choice would be Bowie. Laminated.
9. David Sedaris has it all right.
10. I believe in soul mates
11. I have an abusive relationship with my boss
12. Steely Dan is my favorite band of all time
13. I was studying to be a minister before I move to fucked up L.A.
14. Happiest moment, right now
15. Saddest moment, right now
16. True love...Rick Morton
17. Role models are Xena (cause sometimes it doesn't do any good just to bitch,) Elanor Roosevelt and Zelda Fitzgerald
18. Ultimate theme song, U Li La Lu, Poi Dog Pondering; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrr9eFHKdKM
19. Biggest regret, losing my best friend since third grade
20. Proudest accomplishment is helping my grandmother cross over with dignity

It's not so bad after all......

The economy sucks. The job market is grim and it is a dismal time to be desperately looking for different employment. My boss is passive aggressive and the worse things look, the worse he behaves. Oh, and I just took at 60 grand pay cut and cannot pay my bills. Good times! My degree was heavily psych based and I cannot stop thinking about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I find myself somewhere entrenched between the bottom two blocks on the visual aid above. I do not want to pursue relationships at this point as I am fearful of being able to feed and house myself. I found this web site, www.ted.com. I highly recommend it for anyone having a crisis of conscious right now. There are some pretty uplifting and enlightening talks on there. I am lovin' up some of the Filthy and Gorgeous chicks now. I am blessed. I may not be able to eat..it may feel like I can't breathe. I have no security with anything. It is nice to at least have friends to talk about it with.... Lucky lucky lucky me. Just thinking out loud.

The Prophet Known as Britney Spears

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjP5VfCswZY

Here is a link to the new Britney coughcomebackcough video Womanizer. It drones on "womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer" gives me a headache to be perfectly honest. I guess we learned that Britney cannot remember lyrics when she had to string two words together, "gimmie more gimmie more gimmie more gimmie more" so I appreciate her handlers boiling her material down to fit her skill set. I am bored with my job today and feeling pretty lazy myself. I wonder if this tactic is transferrable to my job. Do you think I could rock this out in my account calls? Go in to see my target audience and drone, "cmos sensor cmos sensor cmos sensor" or "dram module dram module dram module dram module." I somehow suspect my customers would look at me as if I were batshit crazy. Guess Britney can pull it off because we already know she is bananas.

On a political note; I was very disappointed this morning when I awoke and did not find a pile of cash outside of my door. I though Obamma promised us that? If anyone from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse finds out where we can get all the free shit he promised please let me know. I want to be the first in line with my hand out to get a free house, free education, free healthcare........I think I am going to really really like socialism. Gimmie more gimmie more gimmie more. Who knew Britney was a prophet?

Katzilla

I have had an incredibly taxing week and as Friday night draws to a close there is an epiphany; night time Kat ALWAYS fucks daytime Kat over......as I type this, Night time Kat reaches for the last cigarette in the package (leaving daytime Kat running to the Sev first thing tomorrow morning.) Night time Kat is thinking another drink is in order now...we have to blog then sleep don't we? Daytime Kat has things to do tomorrow. She needs to take the dogs to the dog park to run off some of their pent up energy from their neglect this week. Daytime Kat has to do Yoga to work out some of her pent up energy from this week. Daytime Kat has errands, chores and work to do. It is like Godzilla vs. Mothra. Worthy opponents with evenly matched strengths, the weaknesses being their ultimate downfall. At a crossroads now. The ultimate direction of my life determined by the outcome of this battle. Who shall win? Kathra needs money to prevail, think that may be the achelles heel on that monster.

JUST looking

The Colbert Report had Rush on tonight, first televised appearance in 30 years. Prior to rocking out (as much as a bunch of old guys can. My delight was fueled by my personal meeting of Neil Pert at Firefly. I had no clue who the hell is was and kicked him out of my table.) Prior to their performance he asked them, "Do you have a special name for your fans? Are they Russians?" Rush replied, "No. They all have their own names." "Neil, do you have a drum dependency? This is actually an intervention...." and "You are known for such long and epic songs. By the time you get to the end of your epic song, has it gone on so long that it influences your future work?" My fear with the Aussie is we have another few weeks before we can be together. Will we be so involved in making our own epic love story that by the time it actually happens it will become a pale imitation of what it could have been from the beginning? Like the Andy Warhol painting of love affairs; the individuality and passion stamped out and made a product. Andy Warhol did say, "I'm afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of its meaning." I worry. Today was rough. We both worked hard (I think) and we cooled down a bit. Inevitable right?

satan claws

I am just dyslexic enough that I fall for this every time.

The Aussie makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me swoon, and (more scary than anything) makes me hope that love is still possible for this old hag. I haven't had someone make me feel this way in almost five years....hope, possibility, flirting......the delicious unfolding of personalities. In a way, the internet is so old school. Although the chat is immediate, you are writing. You are getting to know someone as a person. Abelard and Heloise had something right there. I am enjoying getting to know someone when I am not worried if he likes my dress or how I am wearing my hair. It is enough he likes my brain for now. In a couple of weeks he will be here and it will be a different story. Today, I will rock out my no make-up, pony tail, cummy old tshirt self and know that he really likes me. ME.

There is a satan claws.

Game over....

Alright cats, are you ready? This girl is...buckle up..IN LOVE.

I am in this completely amazing free fall......I haven't even admitted it to myself. What now? I did yoga Saturday morning and was in this incrdibly peaceful place. Treavor reminded us to pay respect to that which motivated us to be in that space today...get this, I started to CRY!! I am happy, peaceful and met a great guy. Please God, don't make me out to be a fool! Is there any other kind of pain?
Namaste! Kat

psycho killer, qu'est que c'est

American Heritage New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition
sociopath [(soh-see-uh-path, soh-shee-uh-path)]

Someone whose social behavior is extremely abnormal. Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others. (Compare psychopath.)

Tahiti

"I can put my passport and credit card in my teeth and swim to shore. No, I will not have clothes or shoes but I should be able to hitch hike easily in a bikini. There has to be a village somewhere close by....This is what it must have been like to be on Alcatraz, land so close but so far away...."

As I was standing on the deck of a yacht anchored in a desolate bay in Mooreo, I found myself thinking these thoughts. How the hell did I get myself in this mess? I had been talking to The Sailor for four months via email, instant messenger and infrequently by phone. It is amazing the tricks our mind plays on us when we have long periods of silence. We project our own desires into the abyss and file it as the truth in our heads. This is why I was standing on this yacht looking longingly at the beach just outside of my reach. I am a romantic fool.

I have been looking for meaning in this experience. It started out well enough, a beautiful lei being placed around my neck at the airport. Palpable desire emanating from both of us as our legs touched in the taxi on the way back to the dock in Papeete. Sailing in perfect weather; the wind cooperated, singing classic rock together, eating brie and baguette on the deck. What did I do? Where did I fuck up? I have tossed this over in my mind Monday morning quarterbacking it for over a week now and here is my conclusion; he is just an arrogant dick. It ain't me brother, it is YOU.

I could outline the nasty insults he dropped casually, designed to pick apart and cut to the core. Or, the physical violence. The very real fear of being pushed into the piss (sailor talk for ocean.) The unsatisfying sex. But what is more interesting to me is why did I take the failure to connect on as my own shortcoming?

A good friend suggested I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome (I am Norweigan, the chosen people, so the Scandanavian connection did give me reason to consider this); I was trapped on a boat and I was trying to please my captor. I actually think it goes deeper than that. I think it is a woman thing. We are the ones that are supposed to make the exchanges (interpersonally, visually, intellectually, sexually) pleasing. At heart, most of us are wired to be Japanese Comfort Girls, creating a pleasurable experience. When this failed to occur, it is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I took it on as my failure as a woman. Not that this guy is a sociopath and is likely unable to get along with anyone, but MY problem.

Some of the nasty comments resonated with me and I find myself still wondering if he is right. After a 48 hour period where I did not say one word he said he would take me to dinner. I asked if the conversation would be like it had been for the previous two days and he replied, "I have never met someone who talked so much and said so little with their words in my life. So yes, it will be the same." At this point, I asked him to drop me at the dock, which he did, "Bonne chance!" he sarcastically yelled into the breeze as he blazed off in the dinghy not looking back. Fortunately, The Dingy Bar and cigarettes were waiting for me and I over-indulged in both. Also more sailors who occupied the time I had left until I flew home. I was starved for conversation and they seemed to enjoy mine. They invited me to crew for them anytime. They knew The Sailor. "How the hell did you end up with that asshole?" seemed to be the prevelent question by many many sailors at the bar that had travelled from Mexico to French Polynesia with him. He has a bad rep which one sailor chararacterized as an "I" problem, I am smarter than you. I know everything there is to know. I am superior. Ironic as he has a wandering eye...thought the pun was funny and laughed inside my head at the coincidence.

This week, I have found myself asking people if I am annoying when I talk. Do I engage you or am I just off on tangents? Do I have relevant things to talk about or are they immaterial? Am I articulate or babble? Why have I given him this power over me? I have decided today to intelectually throw his bullshit observations about me into the piss. Fuck him. As HottieEsq notes, the best way to get over a man is to get under another one. I am working on my pipeline and think I have found a better match. And he likes to talk to me!

Happy 4th.

Kat

The dark night in the woods. We all have them. I have been struggling for the last few months with those endless questions. Why am I here? What am I doing with my life? What is the meaning to all of this endless bullshit I seem to endure? I am faced with many of my friends going through similarly challenging times. It is a process. I needed to cocoon and rest for a bit. So, I have been doing yoga like a fucking freak (I can tree pose like a motherfucker for the record.) I am learning to like just being with me. I am not escaping into my knitting. I am reconnecting to my body as I have had to distance myself from it for such a very long time. I am just learning to be, and be happy. Through this process, the one stabilizing factor has been my friends. I am so very lucky. They see great things in me, and I am forced to recognize those things in myself. The Doc told me tonight that I am acting desperate, like I am waiting for the last chopper our of Saigon. I disagree, I have a deep longing and need that has to be met. I cannot put my finger on it yet, but I will. My mojo has been off the hook. I have options on a day to day basis. I want something more, something deeper, something darker, something genuinely amazing and beautiful. I am going to Tahiti next week to be with the Sailor. It defies all logic, all intellectual input, all emotional sanity. I have to do this. I will do this. I hope I don't get chopped up into bits (both a literally and metaphorically.) When (if) I come back I will be able to spread my wings and delight all of the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. I am very close to being me again.

Oh Amy you just say everything....

don't die Amy...

baby steps

I am still a little freaked out that my blog got out to my work environment. I cannot believe someone I trusted with this address would tell....quite upsetting. I want to write...I have some funny fucking things to tell; stinky pussy, men as digital vs. women as analogue, fucking in general....I have so much to say and am now afraid to say it here. This was the point of this blog. Put it all out there in an anonomous fashion and now I feel like it is ruined. I moved it so I know my regular readers cannot find it. I suppose I need to ease back into it...

I want to spill. I NEED the release of writing but I cannot. I think this goes back to when I was a tween and my mother read my diary....horrible and inhibited my self-expression for years and years. I have been afraid to write ever since. Kind of like taking sexy-time pictures with your lover; leave no footprints. Big step, post....

I hate people in general. They usually let you down. Maybe I will write about the stink puss.....funny if it wasn't me.

I will find new readers....I will be able to let it all hang out. That is when I am at my best. Stay tuned new friends, Kat is back and ready to party.

4-0h no.......................

This week has been quite trying. I have no money......I screwed up and had a check clear (my hairapist held a check for over a month...WHO HOLDS A CHECK FOR A MONTH?!?!?!??) I know I should be watching these things, but I only write one check a month ever, my rent check. I pay all my bills online and pay for everything with my debit card so when I look at my statement, it is usually spot on. So, I incurred over five hundred dollars in in overdraft fees; I love buying the $39 dollar Egg McMuffin, or the $37 bottle of water from the Sev. I got paid this morning and celebrated by buying a tank of gas and a bag of dog food. I treated myself to some fancy french vanillia creamer this morning. Good times!! I have been pretty depressed as I will be the big 4-0h no in two weeks. I mean, I am an old lady and am still living on the edge. How much harder can I work? How much harder can I try? Life is hard. My GIANT splurge is getting rid of this nappy ass hair of mine tomorrow. Sissy asked me how bad my hair really looked and I told her this; imagine you were walking and saw a sick mouse in the grass. You would pick me up, take me home to nurse me back to help and name me Patches. THAT is how bad my hair looks now. I called my Hairapist...who I am still pissed at by the way....and told her she needs to fix me tomorrow. The plan is; weave with high and low lights and cut this shit off!!! I am going to cut off nearly a foot of hair and go for the bob. Seems to be a popular plan.

Getting older isn't a bad thing. What birtdays represent now is a benchmark for where we SHOULD be, what we SHOULD have, SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD. I cannot remember where I heard this but someone said that happiness isn't getting what we want, but wanting what we have. I am in a transitional phase....I am not passionate about anything. I want to look around my shitty apartment in the Valley and really WANT to live here. I want to go to my thankless and shitty job and WANT to do it. I want to go to bed in the dog pile and WANT to sleep with the doggies...........I want to want what I have but sadly....this birthday reminds me of how far away from where I WANT to be. I would like to see this pass quietly.

Talk Dirty to Me

Words have power. Any one of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse knows this to be true for our girl Kat. I have dumped a guy for using the word "tummy" over dinner conversation. I have refused to reply to a man that wanted me to give him a "sensual massage." It occurs to me that we do not have the proper vocabulary to talk about relationships, let alone sexual ones. Eskimos have something like forty words to describe snow and in English....how many to describe love, sex and all of the wonderful things that go hand in hand? Too few so we have to improvise. HottieEsq went on date four with The Jew last night. We all know what date four is..however, she did not put out. For The Jew, apparently verbal foreplay included dropping his FICO score over dinner (780, btw) and using the phrase, "making love" to entice her into his bed. The irony was that it was his FICO score that got her hot and the description of the act that got her cold. It is a delicate balance between clinical and juvenile...FICO vs. fucko. Mr. MBA dated a school teacher that would call his dick his "pee pee" in the throes of passion. Yup, she was short lived. The Writer was telling me he would crack up when this woman he dated would yell out that she was "worshipping his magnificent erection." I suspect the exalted erection would wane with such praise, proud yet sensitive as they tend to be. I have had men ask if I would have "intercourse" with them. Flashes of the cold steel table at my gyno and the icy cold metal duck bills he shoves up in me come to mind with that word. I have said this before; I would have much greater respect for the man that tells me he wants to crank some Zeppelin, spank my ass and then fuck me like the bitch that I am. THAT has power....
Today's homework is let me know which words turn you off...and turn you ON....

Monday, ugh

Mondays seem to roll around much more quickly than Fridays. Am I the only one that notices these things? I have so much to do today and I just have lost my work ethic. I had a date Friday night with the Animator2.0. He was nice and all but I believe our political viewpoints are so divergent that we will not be able to bridge that gap. He is quitting his high paying job doing film animation in order to install solar panels. Yes, you read that correctly. Tree hugging, hippie freak. I squandered the rest of the weekend making jambalya and chatting with men from the Dirty Filthy web site. There are a lot of lonely people out there. Lots of dickheads too. Speaking of dickheads, I have not heard from the Screenwriter since last Thursday. Not sure what that is about but I suspect it has something to do with having a girlfriend. I wasted a month of my time waiting for something to happen there. No more! I felt like I was one of my dogs....they will sit and just stare at me...do something! Do something now! At some point, I just stopped needing to understand what makes these guys tick. I really don't need to know the reason he hasn't called, it is the result that matters. I have been too busy filling my pipeline to notice. Or care. Just a quick update...I have to get back to work. Sigh.