The dark night in the woods. We all have them. I have been struggling for the last few months with those endless questions. Why am I here? What am I doing with my life? What is the meaning to all of this endless bullshit I seem to endure? I am faced with many of my friends going through similarly challenging times. It is a process. I needed to cocoon and rest for a bit. So, I have been doing yoga like a fucking freak (I can tree pose like a motherfucker for the record.) I am learning to like just being with me. I am not escaping into my knitting. I am reconnecting to my body as I have had to distance myself from it for such a very long time. I am just learning to be, and be happy. Through this process, the one stabilizing factor has been my friends. I am so very lucky. They see great things in me, and I am forced to recognize those things in myself. The Doc told me tonight that I am acting desperate, like I am waiting for the last chopper our of Saigon. I disagree, I have a deep longing and need that has to be met. I cannot put my finger on it yet, but I will. My mojo has been off the hook. I have options on a day to day basis. I want something more, something deeper, something darker, something genuinely amazing and beautiful. I am going to Tahiti next week to be with the Sailor. It defies all logic, all intellectual input, all emotional sanity. I have to do this. I will do this. I hope I don't get chopped up into bits (both a literally and metaphorically.) When (if) I come back I will be able to spread my wings and delight all of the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. I am very close to being me again.

Oh Amy you just say everything....

don't die Amy...

baby steps

I am still a little freaked out that my blog got out to my work environment. I cannot believe someone I trusted with this address would tell....quite upsetting. I want to write...I have some funny fucking things to tell; stinky pussy, men as digital vs. women as analogue, fucking in general....I have so much to say and am now afraid to say it here. This was the point of this blog. Put it all out there in an anonomous fashion and now I feel like it is ruined. I moved it so I know my regular readers cannot find it. I suppose I need to ease back into it...

I want to spill. I NEED the release of writing but I cannot. I think this goes back to when I was a tween and my mother read my diary....horrible and inhibited my self-expression for years and years. I have been afraid to write ever since. Kind of like taking sexy-time pictures with your lover; leave no footprints. Big step, post....

I hate people in general. They usually let you down. Maybe I will write about the stink puss.....funny if it wasn't me.

I will find new readers....I will be able to let it all hang out. That is when I am at my best. Stay tuned new friends, Kat is back and ready to party.

4-0h no.......................

This week has been quite trying. I have no money......I screwed up and had a check clear (my hairapist held a check for over a month...WHO HOLDS A CHECK FOR A MONTH?!?!?!??) I know I should be watching these things, but I only write one check a month ever, my rent check. I pay all my bills online and pay for everything with my debit card so when I look at my statement, it is usually spot on. So, I incurred over five hundred dollars in in overdraft fees; I love buying the $39 dollar Egg McMuffin, or the $37 bottle of water from the Sev. I got paid this morning and celebrated by buying a tank of gas and a bag of dog food. I treated myself to some fancy french vanillia creamer this morning. Good times!! I have been pretty depressed as I will be the big 4-0h no in two weeks. I mean, I am an old lady and am still living on the edge. How much harder can I work? How much harder can I try? Life is hard. My GIANT splurge is getting rid of this nappy ass hair of mine tomorrow. Sissy asked me how bad my hair really looked and I told her this; imagine you were walking and saw a sick mouse in the grass. You would pick me up, take me home to nurse me back to help and name me Patches. THAT is how bad my hair looks now. I called my Hairapist...who I am still pissed at by the way....and told her she needs to fix me tomorrow. The plan is; weave with high and low lights and cut this shit off!!! I am going to cut off nearly a foot of hair and go for the bob. Seems to be a popular plan.

Getting older isn't a bad thing. What birtdays represent now is a benchmark for where we SHOULD be, what we SHOULD have, SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD. I cannot remember where I heard this but someone said that happiness isn't getting what we want, but wanting what we have. I am in a transitional phase....I am not passionate about anything. I want to look around my shitty apartment in the Valley and really WANT to live here. I want to go to my thankless and shitty job and WANT to do it. I want to go to bed in the dog pile and WANT to sleep with the doggies...........I want to want what I have but sadly....this birthday reminds me of how far away from where I WANT to be. I would like to see this pass quietly.

Talk Dirty to Me

Words have power. Any one of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse knows this to be true for our girl Kat. I have dumped a guy for using the word "tummy" over dinner conversation. I have refused to reply to a man that wanted me to give him a "sensual massage." It occurs to me that we do not have the proper vocabulary to talk about relationships, let alone sexual ones. Eskimos have something like forty words to describe snow and in English....how many to describe love, sex and all of the wonderful things that go hand in hand? Too few so we have to improvise. HottieEsq went on date four with The Jew last night. We all know what date four is..however, she did not put out. For The Jew, apparently verbal foreplay included dropping his FICO score over dinner (780, btw) and using the phrase, "making love" to entice her into his bed. The irony was that it was his FICO score that got her hot and the description of the act that got her cold. It is a delicate balance between clinical and juvenile...FICO vs. fucko. Mr. MBA dated a school teacher that would call his dick his "pee pee" in the throes of passion. Yup, she was short lived. The Writer was telling me he would crack up when this woman he dated would yell out that she was "worshipping his magnificent erection." I suspect the exalted erection would wane with such praise, proud yet sensitive as they tend to be. I have had men ask if I would have "intercourse" with them. Flashes of the cold steel table at my gyno and the icy cold metal duck bills he shoves up in me come to mind with that word. I have said this before; I would have much greater respect for the man that tells me he wants to crank some Zeppelin, spank my ass and then fuck me like the bitch that I am. THAT has power....
Today's homework is let me know which words turn you off...and turn you ON....

Monday, ugh

Mondays seem to roll around much more quickly than Fridays. Am I the only one that notices these things? I have so much to do today and I just have lost my work ethic. I had a date Friday night with the Animator2.0. He was nice and all but I believe our political viewpoints are so divergent that we will not be able to bridge that gap. He is quitting his high paying job doing film animation in order to install solar panels. Yes, you read that correctly. Tree hugging, hippie freak. I squandered the rest of the weekend making jambalya and chatting with men from the Dirty Filthy web site. There are a lot of lonely people out there. Lots of dickheads too. Speaking of dickheads, I have not heard from the Screenwriter since last Thursday. Not sure what that is about but I suspect it has something to do with having a girlfriend. I wasted a month of my time waiting for something to happen there. No more! I felt like I was one of my dogs....they will sit and just stare at me...do something! Do something now! At some point, I just stopped needing to understand what makes these guys tick. I really don't need to know the reason he hasn't called, it is the result that matters. I have been too busy filling my pipeline to notice. Or care. Just a quick update...I have to get back to work. Sigh.

More Amy....

This song is the bomb. Cannot forget this is part of the Frank obsession. Also You know I'm no Good off of Back to Black. Just cannot post all of them here.

For one tiny minute......

So I just heard from the Screenwriter. I presume that his "company" has gone and from the tepid text I just got from him my guess would be that he has had his pipes thoroughly cleaned and he's just not that into me. Oh well, was fun to think about for a tiny minute but back to reality. I am annoyed really. Whatever the case, the dirty thoughts he has inspired must be flying through space right now. I have been contacted by Skeptic, San Fran and the Cracker over the last week. It is like I am sending out the "slut satellite" to any that are tuned into my frequency. Tonight, I am going to see a band with a group of friends at Cafe Cordillair just staggering distance from my pad. Very convenient. Tomorrow, I am going to a housewarming party for my buddy Mr. Lexis. Should be fun, his friends are all really cool. Thinking there will be some guitar hero action. Other than that, I may go try my hand at Thai curry over at HottieEsq's house this weekend. Maybe I will finally get all of my closets cleaned out and my junk over to Goodwill. Nah, that would be just too productive.

Amy Winehouse Anthems

I have not been able to stop listening to Frank. These two lil ditties are the culprits. The Screenwriter has "company" and I won't hear from him until tomorrow. "Company" translates to chick right? Ughhhhh!

Why bother anymore?

Mo' Jo

My juices must be flowing. NBC Exec met me and HottieEsq out at the Chimney Sweep last night. I will say, the novelty of being a Sweep VIP will never wear off. HottieEsq and I were gestured to the front of the line by our favorite bartender there. We walked in with the requisite hair flip in the faces of those still relegated to the indignity of standing in line to get into this dump. HottieEsq was already tipsy (thinking of that song now, everybody gettin' tipsy) which made the walk somewhat interesting...she bounced off several poles, bushes and wandered into the street at one point but we made it in one piece. NBC Exec met us inside and he was similarly buzzed having just returned from some Golden Globe event. He was randy....I felt like I was one of those cartoon character pork chops and he was the slobbering wolf looking to snap it up. We spent the night flirting via text...gotta love technology. I teeeeeased him mercilessly. I have no intention of hooking up with him for several reasons but it was fun nonetheless. I made him crazy which was plenty satisfying for me. HottieEsq decided the tables on the outside patio would be a great place to take a nappy so we decided to leave. This morning she is still not understanding why the bouncer might have a problem with that, seemed a perfectly reasonable course of action to her. Got her sorry ass up to my sofa and stopped talking to her once she started babbling nonsequitur sentences. Continued to text NBC Exec until about 2:30. Should have given him something to wrap his arms around.....or hand in this instance. All in all, it was a very fun night and I am loving my new found Mojo. I missed it!

I'm the Stalker

Another Saturday morning nursing a wicked hangover. Spent the night drinking and gossiping with some of the knitting members of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse. Good times! That is until I woke up this morning of course. Haven't chatted with the Screenwriter much over the last couple of days.....he accused me of being stalkery and unhealthy (mentally.) Guess I am guilty as charged. I just haven't met anyone I like this much in a while. I don't know if it is a bonus that he is level headed or if that will be my downfall. I will just try to chillax and enjoy the ride. Y'all know how hard that is for me. My stalker tendencies are also fueled by the fact I just really want to get laid. As many of you are aware, it has been quite a while for our girl Kat here. I am hoping the phrase "use it or lose it" does not apply to my little bean. I suppose I should appreciate his desire to take things slow in order to ensure we are a good match on every level. If you look at the contents of this blog, I clearly am no expert on developing relationships so I should defer to his better judgement. I tend to get myself in trouble by jumping in with my eyes closed so I will do my best to be patient and let whatever is going to happen happen. Why is that so difficult? I don't want to fuck up something that could be good by rushing in and I don't want to get into something bad (again) either. Oh dear.....time will tell. Speaking of bad, I saw Mantits with his new gf (ahem) going to the grocery store last weekend. Wow, she is naschty!!! Heavy, mom jeans, out of control hair, no make-up....I honestly would have mistaken her for a dyke if I saw her out. He sure traded up didn't he?? Is it wrong that I derive so much pleasure from that? One of his parting jabs of, "do you think you can do better than me?? Do you?!?!" And my response of, "I have and I will." went through my head when I saw him. HA! I bet he made her pay for half of the groceries. Cheap bastard as well. Mr. Fantastic noted that our relationship was so Dutch, we should be wearing wooden shoes. "You only dated me for my money!" I will try to remember this monumental mistake when I am getting impatient with the Screenwriter. Serenity now.

Bum Deal

They say your external environment reflects your internal environment. Looking around my apartment I realize that I am a fucking mess. I am wondering if this is a sign of some sort of mental illness or that I have just given up caring. Like wearing sweatpants all the time. That is the fashion equalivent I think. So, I met the Screenwriter last night and he was very cute in real life. I haven't heard from him today so I am thinking that is not a good sign. Insert deep sigh here________. I have been a little obsessed with him this week and my work has suffered. I will say he gives a mighty fine mind fuck. Just having sex on the brain has had some unanticipated side effects; pheramones a go go! I have been hit on so many times this week it is unbelievable! I was invited to swing with a couple here in the SFV, cute guy at the grocery store, a customer even. Sadly, I only have eyes for the Screenwriter now. Who isn't calling. Ugh! I am trying to find some sort of ironic twist or meaningful connection for this blog entry but it ain't coming to me. This just sucks. Skeptic teased me last Friday with the potential for sex, then blew me off. And a blast from the past, the Animator is sniffin' round again. He dumped me for a 22yr old so I don't think I am going to go back there. Interesting beginning to the New Year....everything old is new again and the new is getting old. Hey, that was some sort of insightful commentary?? Maybe I still got it.

Back in the Saddle...not

I haven't had much to say to the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse lately. Work has been monopolizing my time then back to Chicago for the holidays. I decided Friday that I just needed to get laid with no strings or hoop jumping and went back onto the Dirty Filthy web site. As you might imagine there are many that would happily take me up on my offer. I chatted with a lot of guys; I got the usual jerks that think that "hi, are you horny? Wanna fuck?" is going to get me (or any woman for that matter) to run right out and drop my nickers for them the sweet talking Cyranos they are. Or guys with the screen names like Lonelyguy instant messaging, "why won't anybody talk to me? Why won't you send me your picture? I am so lonely!" I thought about messaging him back to say he should change his name to something like IAmAPatheticLoserAndJustShootMeNow or IShouldJustGetUsedToALifeOfMasturbation but I decided that would be mean and let it go. Mixed in with the group of under-sexed predators I chatted with someone that was witty and intelligent and a breath of fresh air. Going to keep this one on the down low for a while I think. I am hoping the muse will strike and I will feel the urge to write again but until then don't expect a lot from me. Happy New Year to whomever is still reading my grossly neglected blog. I hope I can get back to this, I do miss it. By the way, I signed into my email tonight and I got the message, Adult FriendFinder 69 members are interested in Spankie. I thought that was funny. Kat

"nice" guy

Anybody that guessed his dirty little secret was that he has a girlfriend gets a gold star! Douche.

Eat it, Lick it, Snort it, Fuck it

Eat It, Lick It, Snort It, F--k It

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Words to live by from the living legend that is Britney Spears. So, the good news is I am dating what appears to be a very nice man. Shocking I know. He took me out Friday to a very nice dinner and we had a great time. When the bill came, no hesitation......He met me and HottieEsq out at Stanley's last night for dins. Lots of wine was flowing. I am somewhat hung over this am but it was worth it. I like him. Still going to keep my pipeline full as we never know what to expect. He could bust out tomorrow with some unique and disturbing characteristic. Would the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse like to make guesses as to what this guy's Dirty Little Secret may be? Creativity is a bonus. Muah, Kat

The Millionaire I Never Got to Know

Is it a prerequisite if you are a guy to be retarded or mentally ill to join EHarmony? I am beginning to think that is the case. I had a date with another douche I met there, the Snake Oil Salesman. After our first meeting, my Spidey senses were tingling that something was just not right. He wasn't what he was portraying himself to be. His resume read like the phone book; many disparate and weird job done for short periods of time. His current job, although legal, struck me as one step above a loan shark. He sells $500 computers to people that do not have credit for $2000. He drank a ton and told me the previous weekend he had done X and blow all weekend. Icky. I decided to trust my gut and never go out with this guy again. Sissy went off on me and remarked that I never have anything positive to say, that a guy is not their job, sometimes I should just go out and see if something will develop over time......tough love from Sissy. So The Snake Oil Salesman called me up and asked me out again and, with Sissy's stern chastising in mind, I said yes. We went for sushi and I didn't eat much as my tummy was upset. The bill came and there was this very awkward silence as I waited for him to pick it up
(I didn't eat!!) and apparently he was waiting for me to pick it up. I am never good in these situations, so I just ate the bill. We went to the Chimney Sweep and had some beers. He drank about three to every one I had. As we talked, I found out he still lives at home, owes a ton of money from a failed t-shirt business, never graduated from college (only had one credit to go), makes $10 an hour (no wonder he didn't reach for the bill, fucking scrub,) and various other facts which I found incompatible with my Prince Charming ideal. On the way home, he said that he felt I had a wall up. I told him, in the most gentle fashion, that I felt we were in two different places blah blah blah. He began to sob. Yes. SOB. I listened to him carry on for a bit until I said that I was leaving. I mean, I have NO idea how to deal with crying. I told HottieEsq when babies cry I offer them a twenty to shut up. Rarely works. I was having trouble with my gate key and he got out of the car and helped me. Once he opened the gate, he refused to give me my keys back and began berating me. After about twenty minutes of this, I told him I would call the cops if he didn't give my keys back. He complied by whipping them into the bushes. Picture me, in a dress and platforms fishing my keys out of the bushes in the pitch black. Good times. He wouldn't leave my courtyard either. Had to threaten to call the cops again. He left. My phone was ringing as I walked up the stairs, it was him. He left the message, "when you blog about me, you should title it the Millionaire I never got to know." Done.

If the season won't change, I will make them boys! xoxoxo Betty

I am back!

Hello Posse! I am back from my week in Chicago. Not enough time and I basically saw a doctor every day I was home. Keep your fingers crossed I don't have cancer!! I have been working the last couple of days....drank way too much wine last night. I have several guys going on Eharmony right now.....they seem very funny and have important sounding jobs so....I am cautiously optimistic. My mom loved my red hair and my 93 yr. old grandma gave me the ultimate compliment when she said, "It doesn't look as bad as I thought it would." I have over a thousand emails to work through (that is AFTER I deleted the spam) so I should be busy for a while. Missed my writing class Tuesday which is probably a good thing. I don't think I have any business being there. I am displeased with my first piece I wrote for class. Comedy writing, what the fuck was I thinking!! Going out with some of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse this weekend and hopefully will get some action going. I am starting to feel ready to date. Speaking of, I had a ManTits sighting yesterday. As I was going to work at 9 am, I drove down the street to see ManTits sitting on the curb with a couple of other losers. He was wearing a wife beater. Someone should tell him that is NOT a good look when you have DDs and no bra. I am glad to be home but I do have to say, I really miss Chicago. Sigh. Fall is nice.

Deeep thoughts...............

Ruthless: Ever see women keep their clothes on once porn music is playing? Oh hell no...Larry the plumber stops by for a clogged drain...porn music plays. WHAMMO...clothes gone, and Larry got lucky.

Ruthless: Oh what's that? You are at work...its a long day. Tiffany stops by to give you a quick backrub and in poor dialogue, tells you how you are an asset to her as an employee...BAM. porn music starts, and suddenly..she's nekkid on her desk and you are earning a promotion.

Ruthless: I am telling you. I need to start a band that plays nothing but porn music. We'd be bigger than the Beatles!..

This is an IM convo with my buddy Ruthless. He has a bumper sticker on his car that says, "Porn. It's cheaper than dating." The icing on the cake is he usually is wearing a cap that says, "Porn Star" on the front. I really want to know how men accomplish anything. Clearly, this is an idea to which he has dedicated much gray matter. I am sure I have lost most of the male readers at this point as they are fixated on the Tiffany/backrub/promotion thing. On the positive side, we haven't seen each other in a while and here is his response to my recent picture I sent him;

Ruthless: that's you? holy fuck...you keep getting hotter and hotter and younger and younger looking. i hope the devil got as good a deal; "ok devil, i get..eternal beauty...you get...to see my tits anytime you want!"

Awwww! Couldn't think of a more flattering comment. I love you men. You cannot fake that simplistic honesty. I suppose this is telling of how desperate I am....this was the highlight of my day. Ok Filthy and Gorgeous posse, I am going to struggle to stay awake until my shuttle comes in two hours and fourty minutes. Hopefully I will sleep my way to Chicago. By the way, if anyone hears from Boy Gorgeous please let me know. He is MIA and I am becoming quite worried. Love you, Kat

Unhappy camper

Has anyone but me noticed that life is exhausting? This week has been chock full of stories about cheating spouses, out of wedlock babies, betrayal, dishonesty, pain.......my heart breaks for my friends embroiled in these horrible situations. I genuinely wonder why I am striving for something that generally ends so badly. Top it off with the regular stuff that sucks up your time; laundry, paying bills, working, cleaning......I do not know how I get it all done. I don't actually, just work whatever fire presents itself next. Couple all of this with the rest of the regular disappointments that life presents...why do we even get out of bed?? I am tired. I cannot write. I have no point of view. What the fuck am I going to write about in my comedy writing class??? I am depressed. I begin my class tonight and have a lack of material. Insecurity makes me wonder why I even thought I could write comedic pieces. Who do I think I am, fucking Kathy Griffin? I am also trying to get the hell out of Dodge....packing and cleaning. I cannot believe that my only time off this year will be spent having my cervix biopsied, my roots canaled, my teeth filled with bits of ceramic.....frankly this sucks. Being single does not go well with vacations. I am not the kind of girl that could jet off to Hawaii by myself and have a good time. I would be angerly eyeing the happy couples in love or lust or (at the bare minimum) together. I also, stupidly, booked some really retarded times for my flights; my shuttle comes tomorrow at 3am. I come home just in time to miss my class next week. Doh! I hope that I can manage an attitude adjustment over the next week. I am not a very happy camper right now.