Partying with the Gays and bonus! ManTits sighting!

You just know it is going to be a rough day when you wake up burping Kettle One and reek of Camel Lights and lime. Yeah, I am sexxxy like that..... Went to the Abbey with AppleBottom and SuperHotV last night....the usual. Danced our asses off and drank too much. Up too late. Every other song was Lady GaGa a Go Go! She is officially the new gay icon! At the end of the night, we went to the bathroom....a half hour wait in line. Some poor Asian chick barfed in the garbage can, I held her hair. We were almost at the stalls and some dumb bizzy butted to the front of the line and sholder checked AppleBottom. She had NO idea who she was messing with! AppleBottom stepped up on her and let her ghetto side show and threatened to kick her ass. I created a human barrier in between them, I think she actually would have. Best part, dumb bizzy dropped her Prada bag in the garbage can accidentally on the way out. She fished it out and there was vomit dripping off of it. Everyone in line just laughed and taunted her refusing to help her. "Karma is a bitch!" one yelled at her. V's husband met us there after work. I think it is so cool when guys are comfortable enough with themselves to go to a gay bar, he was even hit on! We had a great time! Unfortunately, it is 6 PM on Sunday and I still feel like shit. AppleBottom texted me this morning, "I feel like shit. I didn't get da memo im 2 old 4 dis shit. lol!" Well put sissy. Lessons learned from last night; A. we are too old for this shit B. Don't fuck with AppleBottom, she will cut you bitch! and C. when at a gay bar, tell them you are transgendered and you will sue if they don't let you use the men's room.

ManTits sighting! My dogs just went bananas barking out the window....ManTits is walking in front of my building holding hands with a chick! And she is not fat or wearing mom jeans. All I can say to her is, you'll be sorry..........and also not getting any. ManTits can't get it up.

UPDATE: Greatest text ever from AppleBottom, "need to delete the pic of me licking the gay boy's nipple. Good ammo in the custody battle." LOL!

FAIL

To be or not to be? THAT is the question. I am on beer ten bajillion.....shall I add beer ten bajillion and one to the equation? (Don't mind if I do!) As night time Kat ALWAYS fucks over day time Kat we say MILLER TIME! I am ripshit fucked up. I have so many great ideas on what I want to talk about. I will just rant tonight. I am exhausted, five days straight of travel. I clipped myself in the eye with the mascara brush this morning and looked super stoned all day...burning eyes. I worked for 14 hours....didn't eat and then starting drinking the second I got home. I cannot believe BBFF hasn't called. I am genuinely devistated. I have to close one eye when I type to read this. 100% FAIL for the week. Now I start to hiccup. I should put that last bit on my family Christmas card.

Hump Day Sucks

This week is proving to be pure misery for the girl here. I am travelling every day. Talked on the phone until 1:30 last night and got super drunk. This morning came around....well, I want to die. So, BBFF hasn't called. I am not supposed to know this but he is going out with his ex this weekend. They were together for 14 years and she still has her claws in him. Evidentially, she is trying to get 15 grand out of him for a recent shopping spree. Not sure how to handle this situatuation. Suggestions?

Baaaa means no...

I have had a lot happen this week, and I have been worked to death. I saw Freakishly Tall Guy for some sex candy. I am a bit worried, I think he may have baited and switched me with the condom.....I have my reasons but will protect you innocents from graphic details. Needless to say, I am flipped out and likely not going to see him again. What is somewhat flattering, Freakishly Tall Guy spent over an hour after I left searching for my blog. To no avail. Friday, went out with Duke, Boobs, Mellow to the Sagebrush. Worst band ever playing...and we got drunk. Mellow's wife has been out of town for a week and he was uncharacteristically dirty. I asked, "come on now, it has only been a week, how bad can it be?" And he replied, "There are some sheep that graze the hill behind my house. Let me just say, they have a worried look on their face." The quote of the evening was Duke's reply, "Mellow, I am going to get you a shirt that says, BAAAA means NO!" Saturday night I had a date with BBFF. I drove to Hunting Beach to meet him at Savannah's. It was a lovely restaurant on the beach. We had a delightful time, filet and pinot. After dinner, I guess I rated date package number 1. He mentioned he had a bottle of wine and blankets in his car and suggested we collect them and hit the beach. We arranged our stuff and talked forever, he was quite funny and seems smitten with me. I told him during the course of our conversation that what I knew about men could fill a thimble. He said it was quite a coincidence, as his manhood could actually fill a thimble. We kissed, and rolled around in the sand..just magical. He whispered in my ear, "I know what you are thinking now?" Yes? "thimble." He was witty and handsome and well..I may be smitten too. I have to say, BBFF is very intruiging to me. To use verbiage from my old sorority days, I may just suicide. Let's see if he feels the same.
AN ASIDE: Happy Father's Day! I called my daddy (yes ChiBird, I still call my dad daddy too) to wish him a Happy Father's Day!!!!! Evidentially, while sucking face with BBFF my phone decided to randomly call him, twice. Guess I left a nice couple of messages for my dad who still thinks I am a virgin. Sweet!

Only mildly agitated (cannot afford shaken or stirred)

I am a baller on a budget, and this week has been a good one for the recessionista that I have (had to) become. Wednesday, AppleBottom and I had cocktails with another friend, who expensed the check! (Who has an expense account these days?) Friday, we went dancing at Cafe Cordilaire with AppleBottom and KnittingFriend. The club looks like the painting from the beginning of Good Times, we were the only white people there. Band was off the chain! Everything from Fitty Cent to Curtis Mayfield (I went bananas!) When the bill came, this rather large black man took care of it for us. I grabbed AppleBottom's ass and thanked her delicious booty for the free drinks...over a hundos worth! Saturday was my company Angles game. Again, AppleBottom, KnittingFriend, SuperHotV all accompanied me. This is the only day of the year I get to boss my boss, "Put some cheese on that burger NOW, bitch!" We tailgated and missed most of the game. Boss's best friend (BBFF) started chatting me up. We got kicked out of the park and ended up at some sports bar in OC. Had a blast....great people, great conversation is my thing. When I got home, I noticed that my OfficeManager was blowing up my phone, BBFF was begging her for my number, "love at first sight" he said. I told her to go ahead and give it to him. He called and we talked until 3 am...potentially career ending. What will go down as the Worst Idea Ever, I am going to go out with him.

I'll Even Take a Partial One At This Point...

I need a brain abortion. I had a soul sucking day in a training about the most banal of electronics today given by Grandpa Simpson. This guy is legendary for his ability to prattle on and on about nothing. I knew it would be bad, just never prepared for the reality of just how bad it can get. Initially, I entertained myself by counting how many times Gpa Simpson said, "and stuff like that." His personal best was 17 times in one 30 minute interval. That got boring. Then I focused on his ability to be a total asshole without even realizing it. Gpa Simpson, "Joe, Bill and Bob are about the best in the room letting me know about new applications. They are brilliant and in touch with what is going on. Or, they could be complete idiots that are feeding me a line of (pardon my language) bullcookies because I don't hear from the rest of you." We all let out a communal, ouch! Frickin' cold dude! I enjoyed being a fly on the wall as he talked to the salesman from Israel, "I find men do better there. Women, they don't like Israel because of all the dirt. It is really dusty and dirty. Women don't like it." Not sure what tickled me more, his complete misogyny or ability to insult and entire culture without even realizing it. My boss and I were cracking up, I was like, "please don't send me to Israel. I hear it is a backward dirt pit...not that I mind that over being stoned in the streets for showing skin." At one point my buddy, Mr. Slick leaned over and we hatched a plan. Mr. Slick said, "look. If he doesn't shut up soon I am going to make myself vomit. I don't care if I have to stick my entire arm down my throat and grab my liver to make that happen. I am getting out of here somehow." I told him he had better barf on me so I could go too. Thanked him for having my back, or front, or whatever part of me he wanted to barf on. I was grateful to be included in his plan. At some point, my head was lolling around in my chair and I told my co-worker that I was going to attack him and stick a fork in his eye. He handed me a pen, that is all we had handy. My torture finally came to a close and I opted out of more forced fun with dinner. I stopped at the Sev on my way home and got the ultimate complidiss from the cashier. He told me he didn't recognize me as I was dressed nicely, my hair was done and I was looking pretty. Um. Thanks?

oh Baby Baby

Last night I reconnected with one of my very best friends from high school. She is more gorgeous than I remember and honestly, one of the smartest people I have ever known. I hate that I suck so badly at keeping in touch with people, but Facebook has been pretty cool for making up for years of my laziness. I am so overjoyed to have had a chance to talk to her. She did drop a bomb shell, she just found out she is pregnant. And she is 6 1/2 months along.....she thought she was going thru menopause. Hell, so did I last year so it sounds reasonable to me. I am just happy that at this stage in the game we are still able to get some ass! Yay us! Babies mean one thing to me, knitting! I am talking to Latin Lover about it today;

spankie: yay, little things to knit!!
Latin Lover: pfft, get knitting for the thousands of potential children that will die on your face when Freakishly Tall Guy takes you to a swing party.
spankie: that's a lot of little beanies

Of course, he went there. I am off to have some cocktails at Senior Freds with AppleBottom and a potential new member of the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. My chance at killing thousands of potential human beings thrwarted by my broken Cookie.

PS. one day I am going to figure out this Photo Shop thingy, until then, just picture the sperms in little knit caps! Thank you for using your imagination!

Quote of the Trip

"Bugs, when cooked correctly, taste just like popcorn." Former survival teacher and my friend Hippie. On FB he clarified, "It's true...Popcorn Cricket Crunch. But, I prefer wild onions, lentils, and steamed nettles. Just like chicken."

Sun Sets on Boulder

Friday was a blurr.....working all day, giving my principal the bum's rush to get him to the airport, run home, change, grab bag, dogs...to the kennel! Then fight rush hour traffic to LAX. My reward was barely making it onto my completely packed to the gills flight. Find a spot for my bag and then look at my seat. Fuck! Middle seat, with a very heavy woman on one end and another very heavy woman holding a three year old screaming and fussy child in her lap on the other. I let out an audible sigh, greaaatttt....then tucked my wings to squeeze in my fat lady sandwich seat and closed my eyes. We land, and the fat lady with the obviously too old to hold child said loudly, "Next time you have something to say you should think twice." I told her "I don't care for middle seats, and care for misbehaving children even less." To which she replied, "Oh yeah, well next time book in first class!!" and I said, "How about you just get some!!!!" Oh snap! Suck on that bitch! Why do we have to live in such a Jerry Springer world? My Pretend Boyfriend was waiting for me and we started on the hour drive to Boulder. I was genuinely happy to see him, it has been over a year.
We had some cocktails upon arrival in Boulder, Irish bar then proceeded back to his place. Walking distance from the ped mall. It was hilarious as it was closing time and this is a college town...there were girls barfing, and guys chasing their gfs around saying stuff like, "baby I'm sooo sorry!!" and guys trying to make time, one guy high-fiving his friend saying, "I totally fucked that one up, called her the wrong name!!!" Hard to believe we were once that retarded, but I know at least I was. We got to his house and started to fool around. He has an awesome body and well, again his nick that his guy friends gave him was The Donkey so....I am not sure what his deal was but he was animalistic. Normally I am into that but he really hurt me. And wouldn't stop. Woke me up again Saturday morning for a go, and I realized just how injured I was...still am really. He broke my fucking junk! No joke!
Saturday was perfect. 80 degrees, sun shining on the mountains, perfect breeze blowing. Brunch, some shopping more eating and then happy hour with my Cuz and Cuz's Wife and my friend from college, Hippie. We met on the roof of The Foundry. Cool bar on Pearl street with an amazing view of the mountains as the backdrop for our debauchery. One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the quality of people I have in my life and the very interesting things they do. Hippie is a teacher now, but in the past he was a survival instructor. He would take a group of people, armed with only a knife, out into the wilderness and teach them to live off the land for a month. Now he also is a glass blower. He looks exactly the same as he did when we first met, on his first day of college. Round John Lennon glasses (but rose colored, so perfect for him,) bucket hat, glass pendant around his neck that he made. Like a very handsome Hunter S. Thompson. My Cuz and his wife, similarly interesting. The conversation and the cocktails flowed as the sun set on the mountains. Simply. Perfect. They left and My Pretend Boyfriend and I journeyed on. He became retardedly drunk. It got ugly. 'Nuff said.
Sunday we awoke and My Pretend Boyfriend knew enough to apologize but didn't remember why he should. I stormed off and walked into town. Called him a bit later to meet me at The Kitchen for breakfast. He did. I'm cool. Again, 'nuff said. We ate, shopped a bit then went to see The Hangover...hilarious! Two thumbs up! We went home to change and then met my Cuz and my Cuz's Wife at Jax for dinner. Just wonderful everything...wine, food and most importantly company. I was so sad to see the evening draw to a close. My Pretend Boyfriend was enchanting, as he can be. He picked up the dinner check. Wow, just wow on every level. I floated back to his place and then went to bed. You know, without drinking or sex we don't have much in common so it was a quiet walk home.
I woke up this morning and he was gone. I spent the day wandering around Boulder by myself and spending money I don't have. He finished work just in time to take me to the airport and stick his foot in the small of my back pushing me out of the car (not literally, but he might as well have.) Typical ending to a weekend with him. Screaming baby on the flight back too. Joyous. I just got home and am exhausted.
I am looking forward to sleeping and waking up in my own bed, alone as expected (except for the cuddly dog pile, yay!) I may have to seek medical treatment tomorrow. No kidding....I am gushing blood. There were peaks and valleys to this weekend but I don't think I will be going back to Boulder anytime soon. Call me Sisyphus, but don't call me late to dinner.

by the way fuckers....

so, going on the record to say I know you are reading. I am getting emails. Why don't you assholes post when you see something that tickles you? It PISSES me off to be perfectly honest. I am doing this for feedback for my "real" writing. I would appreciate know what you like...what you don't like. Nobody likes talking into the air. Please post your comments HERE. It doesn't hurt, I promise. Thank you, Kat

Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder

No exciting tid bits...as anticipated. You hang out with a couple of MSEEs and that is to be expected. I am so looking forward to my trip tomorrow....packing and stuff. This whole no liquid unless you check thing is punitive for chicks. When I came back from Chicago last summer (as many of you knew, I had just returned from Tahiti, my grandmother died...I had to turn on my heels and go home. Grabbed the wrong wallet...had no credit cards or debit cards...lived on the kindness of my mother which, um. She is a cunt. Day I left, she left me a crisp twenty and I promptly went out and bought a latte and a pack of cigs and a newspaper. Color me fucking stupid when I went to the airport and United had just instituted...that weekend..the $15 bag check fee. Oopsie! I had to dump a brand new bottle of Dolche and Gabanna perfume, some hair product and moisturiser....etc. I estimate the loss at over 4 hundo) Punitive. I am packing my bags and looking for tiny bottles, I know I have them. I just want to smell nice, have good hair and have my skin look like I am not 105. Terrorists. I will kill them.
I am packing my carry-on with books and magazines. Over the shoulder boulder holder...fucking cracking myself up. Going to Boulder as you know.
You all won't hear from me until Tuesday most likely. I find it is best to not talk about someone when they are around.

birds that sing your beautiful songs outside my window starting at 5AM...stfu

I am tired this morning. Spent my night chatting with ABC Chick. We are posturing for the next dance off, "bring it" she says..."you hear that tap tap tap tap? That is me dancing on your dream!" Oh, it's broughten. Editor was stuck in a hick bar in AZ, we texted until about midnight. Passed the time by talking about Jimmy Choos thus helping her plaid colored, redneck infused world melt away. Finally, a friend of mine, adult woman....is going to band camp, for the banjo!! How oddly cool is that? One time, in band camp.....I reminded her that the banjo was WAYYY bigger than a flute so be careful not to hurt herself! She enlightened me to the fact when you play the banjo it vibrates! Come to think of it, I have never seen a frowning banjo player. Today and tomorrow travelling with my boss. I will likely not have any exciting tid bits to share.

Love, Sex and Ninjas

Day two no water....the saga continues. I have not showered since I got a little sugar in my bowl on Monday. As one might imagine, it is unpleasant to be around me. Eau de Two-Day-Old-Sex is not good for daytime. Sounds French, smells even Frencher. I have had to cancel meetings yesterday and today. Most disappointing as I was to have lunch with my buddy, SalesRep, that is getting a mail order bride. Yup, just got back from the Philippines and said some lucky lady would have a ring by the end of the year. God bless him, I wish it were that easy for me. SalesRep will be happy spending the rest of his life with a little spinner that cooks and cleans for him. Again, I envy that men are such easy to please creatures. Los Angeles is a fucked up place for men too, I sometimes forget. SalesRep is a catch by any standard. He is handsome, kind, hard working, successful and a wonderful father. He can't get a date to save his life. I am bummed I will not be getting the details of the process or see pictures of his soon to be beloved today. Instead, I will sit here and continue to stew in my own juices.
UPDATE: I did in fact get that shower and bounce to lunch with SalesRep. I saw pictures of his bride to be, very pretty girl. He seems so happy and excited! Of course, I had to ask if he got to test drive, which he did. Bringing a chick back from the Philippenes is somewhat like ripping the tag off a mattress, there is no taking that shit back. Hope it works out for him I was telling Mr. MBA about this and he said that I have got to stop my friend from going back in a couple of months. They will be waiting for him and he will wake up in a hotel bathtub, covered in ice, sans kidney with a phone taped to his hand, 911 on speed dial. Mr. MBA thinks that is what I should write about, make a movie where he goes on a murderous rampage to get back his kindney. He is convinced it has EVERYTHING, love, sex....and ninjas. You gotta have ninjas.....I think I will stick with writing about my vagina (vagninja? there is a joke there somewhere...)

Sex Candy

Freakishly Tall Guy is sex candy. All empty calories, no good for you and you crash shortly thereafter. Then you want more....vicious cycle. I'm not sure how long this will sustain me, I will likely want something hearty and filling sooner or later. Sex shephard's pie. But until then, this is just fun. I had such a nice time with him. Some wine and conversation and then shamelessly engorging ourselves with sweet bites. (this could easily go graphic and gross, cream filling, gooey centers.....I am doing my best to resist the temptation.) Snacking on sugary treats rarely leads to anything good. By the time your real meal gets here, you aren't hungry.

Pretend Boyfriend

I had a very nice surprise this am. I was talking to San Fran (who now lives in Boulder, we are going to have to re-think the name)and he asked me to visit. I waffled, I am broke. As we were chitty chatting, I get a ticket confirmation in my inbox! He bought me a ticket to visit next weekend! It is no secret I have been feeling a bit raw lately. This is just what I needed. San Fran is the best pretend boyfriend! Opens doors, pays for everything, brushes the hair out of my eyes...nickname is The Donkey (*wink wink.) Hopefully, some TLC will put all that is wrong right again. Now I have to go get ready to go out with Freakishly Tall Guy. Sigh. No wonder I've been feeling raw, with that guy I am just raw meat.

Crossing my fingers I made it through to the next round

WHAT a fun night! I met the Editor and ABC Chick at Roosterfish in Venice. I met so many amazing people tonight! First, lets talk about the chick posse. Editor told me she was going to do some research and figure out how we were separated at birth. We like the same music, movies, authors...her father took her to see Freaks at age 9!!! Holy crap! ABC Chick is hilarious. Both of them are gorgeous, smart..funny as hell. What a delicious couple! Their gays, well...let's start with they are my people as a threshold matter. Editor and ABC Chick told them to be nice to me, so I think initially they were on their best behavior...then they met me. Gloves off! I was told that tonight was a litmus test and I could be voted off the island. Most of the gays were named Brad, that was my default...hey...er..Brad. Bound to be right 50% of the time. It was like coming home for me. Everyone is so nice at a gay bar! We danced (Madonna, Madonna, Madonna...what is that? A Madonna song!) I really felt bad when at one point I went to pee and smoke and got talking to a bunch of people outside. The Posse was worried about me! I said to the Editor, "I appreciate that..but did you think I would get raped here or something??" Funniest thing is boobs are boobs, everywhere you go. Gay men still love them and wanna touch them. I let this guy Michael grope one. Why not? He gave me the ultimate compliment, "if I were a woman I would want to be exactly you." Ultimately, I do so love my new girlfriends and am so grateful they opened their lives and friendships to me so willingly. It is so nice to be with real people. I suppose that is the underbelly of Los Angeles, that genuine people actually exist.
P.S. best version of this song was 1990 MTV vid awards...cannot find it ANYWHERE. I also believe it was Madonna's greatest moment ever. Yes, yoga moves are cool...but having a hot dancer lick up your skirt is way hotter. Let me know if you can find the vid to embed here. MUCH more amazing.

I'm Their Best New Straight

Before I went out tonight, I took one of those stupid Facebook quizzes, "How Well Do You Know Men?" A friend took it and scored 100%, thought it was rigged. I took it and got, wait for it...wait....0%. My score was "Pathetic" and I am doomed to "live a very lonely life." I posted on her page that it was accurate as what I know about men would fill a thimble. Perfect for my confidence going into a date. Firefly tonight. As y'all know I am anally on time to the point of ALWAYS being early to everything. So, I got to my date with the Silver Fox almost a half hour early. Waiting for a drink at the bar I was hovering over this chick and she turned around...thought she was going to shit herself. I surprised her. Ohhhh, sorry! I start talking with the chicks (Chatty Kathy, I am prone to talking to EVERYONE) and I met the Editor and ABC Chick. Lesbian couple, together for ten years. Do you know how you feel when you instantly make best friends? Magical, amazing, fucking hilarious women. I said I could be 100% lesbo if it weren't for the whole "downtown" issue. Editor said she hates it too....there are ways around it (color Kat intrigued.) I let them know what I was up to. Over the course of the half hour, they invited me to an event tomorrow. I am a fag hag woefully short on fags these days so they promised to hook me up. I didn't even realize how lacking my life was without lesbians until tonight. Silver Fox showed up and I wrote my number on a cocktail napkin and signed it, "Kat, your new best straight." So the date itself was ok. He is so short....as I walked away from the Lesbian Chick Posse I whispered, "the ocean called and they are all out of shrimp!" I just don't think I can go there. We drank, we ate, we left....he paid for everything including the valet. I could not wait to text those crazy bitches when I got home. They were watching and Auntie Mame movie. Editor and I quoted the exact same line at the exact same time! "Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!" So frickin' ironic as ChiBird was just saying this to me today. Tomorrow I am going to a gay bar where me and the Lesbian Posse will be the only three girls there. I mentioned I will pass as a tranny and Editor texted, "A tranny with a vaggy!!! You are my new bff, text me every five minutes!" ABC Chick texted with an apology a second later, "That was from Editor, I am not so crude. Her cell phone no...XXXX, she is crying at Auntie Mame." Here is to new beginnings....being a lesbian without going downtown? Who knew? Oh yeah, bringing Silver Fox tomorrow. He is NOT thrilled about going to a gay bar. (douche?)

Who's that sleeping in my bed?

I have a date tonight with the Silver Fox. This has been a very busy week for the girl here vis a vis whoring around. Some days, I feel more like Goldilocks than others...this one is too hard, this one is too soft......while I search for Mr. Just Right, I seem to be stuck with Mr. Just Right Now. I'm chatting with my buddy Latin Lover....talk about one depraved individual. Freakishly Tall Guy has told me to be at his house Monday at 8 PM, sharp. As I posit about what degrading and (possibly) herpes inducing plans he has for me, Latin Lover gets more and more aroused. I told him it is all fun and games until I wake up in Mexico starring in a donkey show. That "tickles his pickle" and has left our chat hanging while he goes into the bathroom at work and rubs one out. We agree that sometimes fantasy should just stay that way, the reality of the situation never living up to the images conjured up in our heads. Like the Friends episode where Ross has a 3some and ends up making a sandwich. Latin Lover notes, "there are just too many variables and it would just be disappointing." I can imagine a pile of awkward limbs at odd angles. Being the graceful gazelle that I am there is no other outcome possible. So, sigh, back to the fishing pond. Perhaps the Silver Fox and Goldilocks will be "just right." Latin Lover, "try not to suck any dicks on the way to your date!" Oh, I'll try.

I put the grrr in swingerrrrr.....

I have been invited to a swingers party by Freakishly Tall Guy! I struggled for the words...what where they...something like FUCK NO. When discussing this with Doc, he aptly mused that I don't strike him as a girl that would be happy being passed around more than a doobie at a Dead show. He further commented that this guy was moving FAST. I agreed, right? I mean at this rate in a month what would be left, snuff? MILFie did say, "hey, he is a porn producer and it is a fast life. All that shit happens in 90 mins-or less typically. That is the fact Jack." oh yes and, "interesting...on the twisted, denied-for-too-long sort of level." I went to happy hour with SexualChocolate tonight and the bartender overheard some of our conversation. She is a comedian/bartender and I asked her, "would you go to a swingers party just to get material for your comedy?" She said she basically masturbates for material and hell yes, she would and has put herself in bizarre situations for her show. I made her laugh and told SexualChocolate that I thought I want to be a comedian now...he told me I didn't have what it takes. Ouch. What is most shocking is the response from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. Most of you are like, do it do it do it do it. The Thunderdome of perversion. I cannot tell if the Posse is just cheering me on, or looking for cheap entertainment. You know, it doesn't get much cheaper than this.

En Vino Veritas

What a lovely night with Doc!! So much love and gossip, I want to spin and spin and...ok that is gay. I told my 3rd Grad Spelling Partner that being around the Doc was like eating pudding; comfortable, familiar and filling. She said that analogy grossed her out and made her throw up a little in her mouth. Ok...like the blanket your grandma knit you, tucked in on the sofa. Acceptable. I love him. He is my partner in crime. I can tell him anything and vice verse. There are very few people I can tell my innermost secrets to that will not A. FREAK THE FUCK OUT or B. judge me. He told me about his recent happenings...bought a new house with his gf and moved last weekend. I guess there was the equivalent of four flights of stairs moving him in (he is uber engineer geek, with his PHD so he worked it out mathematically) and they had a ridiculous amount of stuff. The best part being by the end of the day the professional movers were EXHAUSTED and had to move his Stairmaster up these four flights of stairs. They bitched under their breath the entire time (why the fuck you gonna need this?) The men in the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse get a really bad rap sometimes. There are good men that lurk around these hallways and I am very lucky to count them as friends. I am warm with wine and lifelong friendship tonight.

No excuse....

There is never ever any excuse good enough for a man to put his hands on a woman ever. Period. Fucking fucktards!!! I am so angry I want to kick some ass right now.

Wouldn't you rather misbehave?

Mark Twain said he would like to go to Heaven for the climate and Hell for the company. I think that sums up Los Angeles pretty well. It is going to be another beautiful day (sunny and 70 every day, every day..oh the ennui.) Freakishly Tall Guy has sparked much conversation from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. MILFie asked me if it was the fact he is a porn producer or that he has several irons in the fire that bothers me. I have to say, it is a combination of both. First it is the caliber of the irons. I am living in a hep C free world and I like it. (Boy Gorgeous and I have had in-depth conversations and have decided this would be the worst STD to have. You would die and couldn't drink. Shudder.) Second, it would be like dating a gyno. How do you stand out from the pack? It is unnerving knowing you will be judged along side "professionals." I doubt I bring the same skill set and would be setting myself up for failure. I wouldn't try out for a professional dance company or rodeo...I would look like a fool and most likely hurt myself badly. But then comes the pull of the dark side.....I really need to get another hobby. I'm simply mad.....

Holiday! Celebrate!

This is more or less what the girl Kat looks like today. I was out drinking wine with Freakishly Tall Guy until the weeeeee hours of the morning and up early for my fucktacular job. Good thing I saved half of my crap sandwich from yesterday. I cannot properly express the gratitude I am feeling that it is a three day weekend. Doc is coming to visit next week (yay!!!!!) and I am going to use this weekend to clean and work out. I want my "Madonna Thighs" I had last summer back and the flat, two pack abs. Right now, I am sporting six pack abs...just not in the traditional sense (I keep my beer in there.) I hope this weekend holds a surprise or two. If not, I have an entire week of Judge Judy's to catch up on. Win win either way. Happy Memorial Day!

My favorite color is bruise

Freakishly Tall Guy is adorable, charming, smart, funny, wine conneseur. Oh yeah, he is also a porn producer.

What goes down...well mostly stays there.

I had a date last night with Freakishly Tall Guy from the Dirty Filthy Web site. We met at Starbucks and spent an hour and a half getting to know one another. We are both sci-fi geeks, he can't have dairy (some weird blood allergy,) both not from here and seemingly equally attracted to one another. It was the best date I have been on in four years. I got in my car, and promptly started to cry. What massive train wreck is coming my way? He texted me to tell me he had a really good time and wanted to go out tonight. Consider it done.
Today at work I was sustained by a steady diet of the never-ending shit sandwich. I was talked down to, yelled at, cursed out and was basically just a punching bag for multiple people. I just had to take it as I was helpless to change the situations and the only thing I could do was let people vent. As I am trying to talk an irate (multimillion dollar) customer down, I get an IM from Freakishly Tall Guy.
FTG: listen, before getting together this evening, I wanted to let you know that I am not prepared at this time to go "exclusive"-I have a few others that I see and enjoy my experience with them and am not willing to cut it off. I am open and honest about everything but would like to maintain my current lifestyle....agreed?
What the fuck do you say to that? It wasn't like I was dancing around singing Beyonce's Single Ladies to him....I was taken aback. A few?? Ultimately, I decided that I am short one fuck buddy these days so what the hell....Most guys do it, at least he is being up front about it. I changed my FB status to:
Kat is going to put her hand in the flame despite knowing she is going to get it burned (again.)
Video Lman: Pour some lighter fluid on it. Mostly for maximum effect.
RonDiggety: The Lady GaGa-sour milk analogy is apt for quite a few things. You know it's going to be bad, but you want to smell it anyway.
Work Friend: What's the young suiter's name??
Kat: I mean that literally Work Friend. Cutting is for pussies.
So, I am about to have the last few bites of my shit sandwich and then sign my name on Freakishly Tall Guy's waiting list. I will let you know how it goes.

Why are guys such pussies?

Pigs and pussies....are there any other kind? If so, I ain't meeting them.

Mercy Married Man

Oy vey. Some guys are persist, I will give them that. This is definitely the case with the Investor Douchebag. I met him on the Dirty Filthy Web Site and started talking to him several months ago. At first, he seemed normal and cool (don't they all.) Over time, I noticed a pattern. He would only chat or call me during business hours, never on the weekend. When I would call him after hours I got a variety of excuses as to why he didn't answer; left his phone at the gym, didn't hear it ring, left it in the car etc. It doesn't take Einstein to figure out what is going on there. Married much? He was intent on proving to me that this was not the case. He wrote me incredibly long emails claiming his undying love and letting me know that I am his dream girl he has been looking for his whole life. He texted incessantly. He planned on visiting me, the date to be determined at a later date. Lots of calls. All this done, Mon-Fri, 9-5. WTF? When I called him out on his fuckery and told him to eat shit the tenor of his emails, text and voice mails changed to nasty (again, all during business hours during the week.) I thought I had finally shaken the married asshole. No such luck. When I told him to pound sand today, here is the message he sent me;

Investment Douchbag (5/17/2009 11:09:43 AM): ooooh nice bitch! sweet lil cunt mouth that you are! Funny at 40 you cant control your anger, your money, you life, your friends, or well yourself in general. MOst people with your rate of failure at least do society a favor and commit suicide.

At least I can spell and punctuate. I wonder if he kisses his wife with that potty mouth?

Big Wack Attack

Mr. MBA finally got around to watching The Wrestler and was pleasantly surprised there was some Marissa Torme boobage, and it was good. So good, he was repeatedly rubbing one out. Pausing the movie for a little recovery time, then going at it again. When I spoke to him last night, he said he was dehydrated from the marathon masturbation session and was taking a break to run to the Sev and get some Gatorade and carbs so he could continue on into the night. He was "shooting sawdust" according to him. I do love my friends and their commitment to a higher purpose.

RIP Skeptic

My fuck buddy that won't fuck me, Skeptic and I were supposed to have dinner tonight. He calls me and after some tap dancing (bailing on me, shocking!) tells me he doesn't want me to think he is flaky...he is involved with someone and has been for the entire three years we have had our hook up. He is on an "honesty kick" and felt the need to cleanse his soul. Now Filthy and Gorgeous Posse, please remember this is the guy that would try to tell me his feelings and I would say, er...don't you have friends? He would be depressed and tell me he didn't think he could get it up but if I wanted to have dinner and talk....um, I told him again, dude, you exist in my world for ONE REASON. I have friends, he has his place. I point out that he would rather I think he is a cheating, asshole liar than a flake? Interesting. Did he tell his gf/wife/whatever about me? Nope, some honesty kick. The one person he actually owes honesty to is the one ommitted from his confessional. I am so pleased he made himself feel clean by making me feel dirty.

won't you take me to...Cougartown!

As you get farther from the epicenter of Hollywood cool, the age at clubs goes up and the atmosphere goes down. This is certainly the case at the Arena Sports Bar and Grill in Simi Valley. The interior is like a poor man's TGI Fridays and the crowd, well....like a low rent cast of Real Housewives of Orange County. I was the youngest Cougar in the Cougar Bar. I went to see a band that was comprised of a bunch of my engineers from a customer. They were fantastic! Rocked the house and got all the old folks shaking their bones. I met SexualChocolate and Duke there...couple of young hottie potatties like them....they might as well have been wearing chum underpants. Insert Jaws theme song and imgaine a pack of circling Cougars. It is a miracle they weren't raped like Jodi Foster in that movie, there were pool tables there so it might have been a very accurate re-enactment.
It seems whenever we go out, we end up taking care of someone. Last time this band played, we spent the evening babysitting HottieEsq (we are no longer friends, more on that another time) when she had a seizure. That is what happens when you don't take your drugs......This time our friend was heartbroken and chose to drown her sorrows in alcohol (the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems-Homer Simpson.) She was ripshit fucked up by the time we got there at 8pm. So, here was the defining event; she had reconnected with her ex-husband via Facebook and started having a torried affair with him. He was currently married with children. In what one would suspect was a pang of guilt, he broke it off with her via email. Now I am a very pain-adverse human being. I do not need to touch a flame to see if it is hot. Additionally, there is the karmic code which dictates that you don't mess with another woman's man. Why do we go down a path which we know is ultimately going to cause us undue pain? You don't need a crystal ball to know this is going to end badly. I have another friend doing the very same thing right now. I want to slap these women and tell them to snap out of it! In the best of circumstances relationships are really hard and painful by nature. Why would one choose to begin one on a foundation of quick sand? In order to keep our friend from driving home, Duke threw himself on the fire and took one for the team. He danced with her while we tried to sober her up for the drive home. SexualChocolate and I were laughing as we could see he was being violated repeatedly (good thing the dance floor was on the other side of the bar from the pool tables.) We made her stay for a couple of hours drinking 7 and Jacks (hold the Jack.) This week, I noticed she had changed her status on Facebook to, in a relationship, it's complicated. That it is......
Ps. I know Brooke Hogan is not officially a cougar. I couldn't help but to publish this pic. I can't decided if she looks more like a cougar or a tranny....

Media Hegemony

TV and movies really fuck us up as chicks. I want the males in the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse to chime in on this.....would you really fall in love with a woman that was pregnant with another man's baby a la The Practice? Or have an acrimonious divorce and still love your ex (same show.) I can think of a million stupid romantic comedies that support these dilusional story lines inflicted upon us on a media machine fuled by the dollars of desperate women. This bullshit is force fed down our throats by the media but honestly....it would NEVER EVER HAPPEN. I cannot get a guy to call me back when I call him on some bullshit like, er...I dunno...saying something like, "if you are going to be late drop a dime..." Men are such narcissitic and fragile creatures that they fold under the mildest of scrutinety. Oh wait, on The Practice the Other Woman is kissing the much sought after male who is having a baby with another woman. THIS would happen all day long. Women would screw over another woman for a hot piece. I remember back in Chicago I had met a man that I was really getting along with at a party. I was perplexed that he never called and asked me out. Over a year later, I ran into this man and asked him why he never called and he told me that the girl I was with told him I had AIDS. True story (I don't have AIDS for the record.) These television shows and movies are designed to perpetuate a myth that the impossible can happen. We can find true love when we least expect it. Pfft!

I am an Asshole

I just spent four and a half hours of my life trying to get my Linksys wireless adapter to make my fucking ON DEMAND! work. I have been sober for the last month. Seriously. Sober. Being bounced from Direct TV tech support for an hour, to ATT DSL tech support for an hour to Linksys tech support for two and a half hours would drive a nun to drink. Finally, the ON DEMAND! worked and I smugly hit "menu"...only thing to watch was Ghost Hunters. I promptly went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of wine. That was the bubbles on the champagne. Horrid day capped with technical difficulties. My eyes are bleeding. I need to start documenting. I just don't know where to start. I went inward about a month ago. When I am out with my friends I actually enjoy it. It is a challenge to do so. I am making no money. I cannot pay my bills. It is so bad everywhere I look. I feel like a jerk complaining...I am scared.

To add to the clusterfuck, I recently found myself unknowingly dating someone I have known for eight years and never looked at as a potential mate. We often go out for cocktails, usually in a group. I had noticed the invitations were coming more frequently and were more one on one types of situations. My fear was confirmed when we went to a Lakers game and he grabbed my hand. I guess I am completely clueless as the few people I have told about this have known he has liked me for YEARS. So, Miss Maturity just stopped answering his calls about a month ago. What an assholey move but frankly, with all this self improvement I just can't muster the energy to have "The Conversation."

Next stop on the self-improvement train is to quit smoking. I have been researching quitting drinking alcohol and caffiene....and then smoking. I am attempting to change my deeply embedded body and brain chemestry. Not so easy. I have replaced alcohol and caffiene with food. I am power loading on vitamins which are designed to be natural mood elevators. Right now I am eating a white bean, kale and kilbasa soup which tastes healthy (translation, gross.) Nothing worse. I am at a weird point with clothes too. My old shorts are too big and falling off....I went and bought the next size down and they give me muffin tops and camel toe. Hot stuff! Additionally, I started taking an anti-depressant which is supposed to assist with the smoking cecessation. Life sucks for me.

I did make it through the first round of interviews for a reality tv show where they do arranged marriages. Sissy is really amped up about me doing reality tv. I know she wants me to get drunk and go in the hot tub and fuck the dude of the first date. Not outside the realm of possibility. Let's hope I am still employable if I make it onto this show.

Smelly McSmellerson

I smell bad. I mean, I smoke and yet....I recognize I smell bad. I just cannot imagine what a mortal nose would smell if it were to smell me. To top it off, my sink in my kitchen is totally fucked up. I cannot run water without it flowing in black muckyness on the floor. Which also smells. The black muckyness. It is raining...my dogs smell. Awful. Again, I have killed and paralyzed my cylia in my mucas membranes and I can still smell the smell. Wet, smoky, rotten kitchen smell dog. In the effort to not smell while I get the plumber in, I have been doing dishes in my bathroom. It now smells too. Bathroom sinks are not intended to drain fetid kitchen shit. It is stuck and smelly. Welcome to my world. It is a disgusting cigerette, wet dog, fetid food, icky goo on the floor and not draining rotten food in the bathroom sink kind of smell. Ok, it was really the bathtub. It was completely disgusting picking mushrooms out of the bathtub drain. Are you happy people?!?!?!?!?

pour a lil on the ground for the dead relationship....

It breaks my heart to hear my friends in pain. Even when the pain is something you can see coming from ten thousand miles away and can be avoided, yet decide the experience is more important that the consequence. I admire the bravery. We have all made the choice to be with someone we know is temporary and will break our hearts. I have a ginormous pain in my heart right now for one of my very best friends that I know is hurting today. I just want to hug her up and tell her it will be ok...even though today it doesn't seem so. To all my friends that have been hurt and made the leap in spite of their own best judgements, let's give props to my sissy that is hurting so badly tonight. Love you girl.

I was the bar star....not in a good way

Hello my people, the new year is starting with some promising notes for our girl Kat. New Years Eve, had a very last minute and surprise date. We went to Firefly and the conversation and company was simply delightful. I had yet another date on the 1st.....not quite so high brow, beer and not wine sort of date but frickin' fantastic. IT Guy and I started for lunch at Stanleys...which turned into cocktails. We decided to change venues and went to the Sweep. It was still daylight which is a very different experience at the Sweep. IT Guy is super hot, 6'4 and funnier than hell! We got along like a house on fire. He makes me laugh, hysterically belly type laughing. We feed each other's silly childish sense of humor and it was so much fun! At one point we go off to the smoking patio at the Sweep and start to kiss. He is super tall....I was pressed up against him as we talked and laughed and kissed and kissed. At one point, he mentioned..."you know we are in front of the window here"....having only been there at night I was like, "pfft...that window is blacked out, you can't see out here from in there!" He was so big it was irresistable...I had to climb his body. I threw myself at him wrapping my legs around his waist and arms around his neck. Cheers emenated from inside the bar. IT Guy says, "you know that is for us right?" Me, "pfft, no no no no...they are watching a football game, must have been a good play." We continue to flirt and kiss outside when an old lady pops her head out and asks, "would you two like a room? If not you are entertaining everyone in the bar." Oops. We walk back inside the bar, and are met with much clapping. A really old guy told me that he had to leave and go home to masturbate. He also thanked us for the show. I checked out the window and yup...sure as shit you can see through the window as plain as day. Fuck yes, I am a Bar Superfucking Star! To be perfectly honest, we weren't doing anything very sexual or gross, just kissing. I think the mad chemestry just kicked up the pheramones and made everyone in the bar a bit drunker. At the end of the day, I had a great couple of dates....will be a while until I go back to the Sweep however....I hope all the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse had a wonderful holiday. I am just hoping next year will be better for me. Happy New Years kids!

I spin

I am sentimental and optimistic all at the same time. Are these mutually exclusive states? I am about to explode with hope, and happiness, and amazing memories....I don't even know where to start. This is all on the backdrop of some complete and total freak I went out with once which reminds me of all the crazies that are out there. I am spinning and I need focus. There is so fucking much inside that needs to come out. I just don't know where to start. I am happy. I am happy. Nothing is better, nothing is right yet. I haven't said that in so long.

Two weeks ago I went out with the CFO...and it was a fucking disaster. I made some huge errors in judgement, starting with taking him to my local bar...dammit! Now he knows where I hang out.

I invited him to hang with me and AppleBottom (frickin' back so delicious I wanna take a bite out of her ass myself) and he showed up at the Sweep. Everything was going fine, until he got a few cocktails in him. Afterward, he started groaping me, cornered me and stuck his tongue down my throat and was just generally up in my shit all night long. Somewhere along the line, I started talking with BMW guy and his Fameous Actor Friend who were much funnier, much smarter and much better looking than the CFO guy.

20 things I don't tell anyone

1. I put ketchup on everything. I cannot eat nachos or tacos without it, I call it white trash salsa.
2. Number one song on my iPod is Rock Your Body, yes yes Justin Timberlake
3. I drink alone
4. I live like I am in a frat house, ALWAYS have to call first. (relatively new for me.)
5. I talk to myself a lot
6. I genuinely belive the 80's were the hayday for white people. ('Cept for disco. Could better dances be invented for us ever?!?!?!?)
7. I butter rice crispy treats
8. My first fuck choice would be Bowie. Laminated.
9. David Sedaris has it all right.
10. I believe in soul mates
11. I have an abusive relationship with my boss
12. Steely Dan is my favorite band of all time
13. I was studying to be a minister before I move to fucked up L.A.
14. Happiest moment, right now
15. Saddest moment, right now
16. True love...Rick Morton
17. Role models are Xena (cause sometimes it doesn't do any good just to bitch,) Elanor Roosevelt and Zelda Fitzgerald
18. Ultimate theme song, U Li La Lu, Poi Dog Pondering; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrr9eFHKdKM
19. Biggest regret, losing my best friend since third grade
20. Proudest accomplishment is helping my grandmother cross over with dignity

It's not so bad after all......

The economy sucks. The job market is grim and it is a dismal time to be desperately looking for different employment. My boss is passive aggressive and the worse things look, the worse he behaves. Oh, and I just took at 60 grand pay cut and cannot pay my bills. Good times! My degree was heavily psych based and I cannot stop thinking about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. I find myself somewhere entrenched between the bottom two blocks on the visual aid above. I do not want to pursue relationships at this point as I am fearful of being able to feed and house myself. I found this web site, www.ted.com. I highly recommend it for anyone having a crisis of conscious right now. There are some pretty uplifting and enlightening talks on there. I am lovin' up some of the Filthy and Gorgeous chicks now. I am blessed. I may not be able to eat..it may feel like I can't breathe. I have no security with anything. It is nice to at least have friends to talk about it with.... Lucky lucky lucky me. Just thinking out loud.

The Prophet Known as Britney Spears

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjP5VfCswZY

Here is a link to the new Britney coughcomebackcough video Womanizer. It drones on "womanizer womanizer womanizer womanizer" gives me a headache to be perfectly honest. I guess we learned that Britney cannot remember lyrics when she had to string two words together, "gimmie more gimmie more gimmie more gimmie more" so I appreciate her handlers boiling her material down to fit her skill set. I am bored with my job today and feeling pretty lazy myself. I wonder if this tactic is transferrable to my job. Do you think I could rock this out in my account calls? Go in to see my target audience and drone, "cmos sensor cmos sensor cmos sensor" or "dram module dram module dram module dram module." I somehow suspect my customers would look at me as if I were batshit crazy. Guess Britney can pull it off because we already know she is bananas.

On a political note; I was very disappointed this morning when I awoke and did not find a pile of cash outside of my door. I though Obamma promised us that? If anyone from the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse finds out where we can get all the free shit he promised please let me know. I want to be the first in line with my hand out to get a free house, free education, free healthcare........I think I am going to really really like socialism. Gimmie more gimmie more gimmie more. Who knew Britney was a prophet?

Katzilla

I have had an incredibly taxing week and as Friday night draws to a close there is an epiphany; night time Kat ALWAYS fucks daytime Kat over......as I type this, Night time Kat reaches for the last cigarette in the package (leaving daytime Kat running to the Sev first thing tomorrow morning.) Night time Kat is thinking another drink is in order now...we have to blog then sleep don't we? Daytime Kat has things to do tomorrow. She needs to take the dogs to the dog park to run off some of their pent up energy from their neglect this week. Daytime Kat has to do Yoga to work out some of her pent up energy from this week. Daytime Kat has errands, chores and work to do. It is like Godzilla vs. Mothra. Worthy opponents with evenly matched strengths, the weaknesses being their ultimate downfall. At a crossroads now. The ultimate direction of my life determined by the outcome of this battle. Who shall win? Kathra needs money to prevail, think that may be the achelles heel on that monster.

JUST looking

The Colbert Report had Rush on tonight, first televised appearance in 30 years. Prior to rocking out (as much as a bunch of old guys can. My delight was fueled by my personal meeting of Neil Pert at Firefly. I had no clue who the hell is was and kicked him out of my table.) Prior to their performance he asked them, "Do you have a special name for your fans? Are they Russians?" Rush replied, "No. They all have their own names." "Neil, do you have a drum dependency? This is actually an intervention...." and "You are known for such long and epic songs. By the time you get to the end of your epic song, has it gone on so long that it influences your future work?" My fear with the Aussie is we have another few weeks before we can be together. Will we be so involved in making our own epic love story that by the time it actually happens it will become a pale imitation of what it could have been from the beginning? Like the Andy Warhol painting of love affairs; the individuality and passion stamped out and made a product. Andy Warhol did say, "I'm afraid that if you look at a thing long enough, it loses all of its meaning." I worry. Today was rough. We both worked hard (I think) and we cooled down a bit. Inevitable right?

satan claws

I am just dyslexic enough that I fall for this every time.

The Aussie makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me swoon, and (more scary than anything) makes me hope that love is still possible for this old hag. I haven't had someone make me feel this way in almost five years....hope, possibility, flirting......the delicious unfolding of personalities. In a way, the internet is so old school. Although the chat is immediate, you are writing. You are getting to know someone as a person. Abelard and Heloise had something right there. I am enjoying getting to know someone when I am not worried if he likes my dress or how I am wearing my hair. It is enough he likes my brain for now. In a couple of weeks he will be here and it will be a different story. Today, I will rock out my no make-up, pony tail, cummy old tshirt self and know that he really likes me. ME.

There is a satan claws.

Game over....

Alright cats, are you ready? This girl is...buckle up..IN LOVE.

I am in this completely amazing free fall......I haven't even admitted it to myself. What now? I did yoga Saturday morning and was in this incrdibly peaceful place. Treavor reminded us to pay respect to that which motivated us to be in that space today...get this, I started to CRY!! I am happy, peaceful and met a great guy. Please God, don't make me out to be a fool! Is there any other kind of pain?
Namaste! Kat

psycho killer, qu'est que c'est

American Heritage New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition
sociopath [(soh-see-uh-path, soh-shee-uh-path)]

Someone whose social behavior is extremely abnormal. Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others. (Compare psychopath.)

Tahiti

"I can put my passport and credit card in my teeth and swim to shore. No, I will not have clothes or shoes but I should be able to hitch hike easily in a bikini. There has to be a village somewhere close by....This is what it must have been like to be on Alcatraz, land so close but so far away...."

As I was standing on the deck of a yacht anchored in a desolate bay in Mooreo, I found myself thinking these thoughts. How the hell did I get myself in this mess? I had been talking to The Sailor for four months via email, instant messenger and infrequently by phone. It is amazing the tricks our mind plays on us when we have long periods of silence. We project our own desires into the abyss and file it as the truth in our heads. This is why I was standing on this yacht looking longingly at the beach just outside of my reach. I am a romantic fool.

I have been looking for meaning in this experience. It started out well enough, a beautiful lei being placed around my neck at the airport. Palpable desire emanating from both of us as our legs touched in the taxi on the way back to the dock in Papeete. Sailing in perfect weather; the wind cooperated, singing classic rock together, eating brie and baguette on the deck. What did I do? Where did I fuck up? I have tossed this over in my mind Monday morning quarterbacking it for over a week now and here is my conclusion; he is just an arrogant dick. It ain't me brother, it is YOU.

I could outline the nasty insults he dropped casually, designed to pick apart and cut to the core. Or, the physical violence. The very real fear of being pushed into the piss (sailor talk for ocean.) The unsatisfying sex. But what is more interesting to me is why did I take the failure to connect on as my own shortcoming?

A good friend suggested I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome (I am Norweigan, the chosen people, so the Scandanavian connection did give me reason to consider this); I was trapped on a boat and I was trying to please my captor. I actually think it goes deeper than that. I think it is a woman thing. We are the ones that are supposed to make the exchanges (interpersonally, visually, intellectually, sexually) pleasing. At heart, most of us are wired to be Japanese Comfort Girls, creating a pleasurable experience. When this failed to occur, it is so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I took it on as my failure as a woman. Not that this guy is a sociopath and is likely unable to get along with anyone, but MY problem.

Some of the nasty comments resonated with me and I find myself still wondering if he is right. After a 48 hour period where I did not say one word he said he would take me to dinner. I asked if the conversation would be like it had been for the previous two days and he replied, "I have never met someone who talked so much and said so little with their words in my life. So yes, it will be the same." At this point, I asked him to drop me at the dock, which he did, "Bonne chance!" he sarcastically yelled into the breeze as he blazed off in the dinghy not looking back. Fortunately, The Dingy Bar and cigarettes were waiting for me and I over-indulged in both. Also more sailors who occupied the time I had left until I flew home. I was starved for conversation and they seemed to enjoy mine. They invited me to crew for them anytime. They knew The Sailor. "How the hell did you end up with that asshole?" seemed to be the prevelent question by many many sailors at the bar that had travelled from Mexico to French Polynesia with him. He has a bad rep which one sailor chararacterized as an "I" problem, I am smarter than you. I know everything there is to know. I am superior. Ironic as he has a wandering eye...thought the pun was funny and laughed inside my head at the coincidence.

This week, I have found myself asking people if I am annoying when I talk. Do I engage you or am I just off on tangents? Do I have relevant things to talk about or are they immaterial? Am I articulate or babble? Why have I given him this power over me? I have decided today to intelectually throw his bullshit observations about me into the piss. Fuck him. As HottieEsq notes, the best way to get over a man is to get under another one. I am working on my pipeline and think I have found a better match. And he likes to talk to me!

Happy 4th.

Kat

The dark night in the woods. We all have them. I have been struggling for the last few months with those endless questions. Why am I here? What am I doing with my life? What is the meaning to all of this endless bullshit I seem to endure? I am faced with many of my friends going through similarly challenging times. It is a process. I needed to cocoon and rest for a bit. So, I have been doing yoga like a fucking freak (I can tree pose like a motherfucker for the record.) I am learning to like just being with me. I am not escaping into my knitting. I am reconnecting to my body as I have had to distance myself from it for such a very long time. I am just learning to be, and be happy. Through this process, the one stabilizing factor has been my friends. I am so very lucky. They see great things in me, and I am forced to recognize those things in myself. The Doc told me tonight that I am acting desperate, like I am waiting for the last chopper our of Saigon. I disagree, I have a deep longing and need that has to be met. I cannot put my finger on it yet, but I will. My mojo has been off the hook. I have options on a day to day basis. I want something more, something deeper, something darker, something genuinely amazing and beautiful. I am going to Tahiti next week to be with the Sailor. It defies all logic, all intellectual input, all emotional sanity. I have to do this. I will do this. I hope I don't get chopped up into bits (both a literally and metaphorically.) When (if) I come back I will be able to spread my wings and delight all of the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse. I am very close to being me again.

Oh Amy you just say everything....

don't die Amy...

baby steps

I am still a little freaked out that my blog got out to my work environment. I cannot believe someone I trusted with this address would tell....quite upsetting. I want to write...I have some funny fucking things to tell; stinky pussy, men as digital vs. women as analogue, fucking in general....I have so much to say and am now afraid to say it here. This was the point of this blog. Put it all out there in an anonomous fashion and now I feel like it is ruined. I moved it so I know my regular readers cannot find it. I suppose I need to ease back into it...

I want to spill. I NEED the release of writing but I cannot. I think this goes back to when I was a tween and my mother read my diary....horrible and inhibited my self-expression for years and years. I have been afraid to write ever since. Kind of like taking sexy-time pictures with your lover; leave no footprints. Big step, post....

I hate people in general. They usually let you down. Maybe I will write about the stink puss.....funny if it wasn't me.

I will find new readers....I will be able to let it all hang out. That is when I am at my best. Stay tuned new friends, Kat is back and ready to party.

4-0h no.......................

This week has been quite trying. I have no money......I screwed up and had a check clear (my hairapist held a check for over a month...WHO HOLDS A CHECK FOR A MONTH?!?!?!??) I know I should be watching these things, but I only write one check a month ever, my rent check. I pay all my bills online and pay for everything with my debit card so when I look at my statement, it is usually spot on. So, I incurred over five hundred dollars in in overdraft fees; I love buying the $39 dollar Egg McMuffin, or the $37 bottle of water from the Sev. I got paid this morning and celebrated by buying a tank of gas and a bag of dog food. I treated myself to some fancy french vanillia creamer this morning. Good times!! I have been pretty depressed as I will be the big 4-0h no in two weeks. I mean, I am an old lady and am still living on the edge. How much harder can I work? How much harder can I try? Life is hard. My GIANT splurge is getting rid of this nappy ass hair of mine tomorrow. Sissy asked me how bad my hair really looked and I told her this; imagine you were walking and saw a sick mouse in the grass. You would pick me up, take me home to nurse me back to help and name me Patches. THAT is how bad my hair looks now. I called my Hairapist...who I am still pissed at by the way....and told her she needs to fix me tomorrow. The plan is; weave with high and low lights and cut this shit off!!! I am going to cut off nearly a foot of hair and go for the bob. Seems to be a popular plan.

Getting older isn't a bad thing. What birtdays represent now is a benchmark for where we SHOULD be, what we SHOULD have, SHOULD SHOULD SHOULD. I cannot remember where I heard this but someone said that happiness isn't getting what we want, but wanting what we have. I am in a transitional phase....I am not passionate about anything. I want to look around my shitty apartment in the Valley and really WANT to live here. I want to go to my thankless and shitty job and WANT to do it. I want to go to bed in the dog pile and WANT to sleep with the doggies...........I want to want what I have but sadly....this birthday reminds me of how far away from where I WANT to be. I would like to see this pass quietly.

Talk Dirty to Me

Words have power. Any one of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse knows this to be true for our girl Kat. I have dumped a guy for using the word "tummy" over dinner conversation. I have refused to reply to a man that wanted me to give him a "sensual massage." It occurs to me that we do not have the proper vocabulary to talk about relationships, let alone sexual ones. Eskimos have something like forty words to describe snow and in English....how many to describe love, sex and all of the wonderful things that go hand in hand? Too few so we have to improvise. HottieEsq went on date four with The Jew last night. We all know what date four is..however, she did not put out. For The Jew, apparently verbal foreplay included dropping his FICO score over dinner (780, btw) and using the phrase, "making love" to entice her into his bed. The irony was that it was his FICO score that got her hot and the description of the act that got her cold. It is a delicate balance between clinical and juvenile...FICO vs. fucko. Mr. MBA dated a school teacher that would call his dick his "pee pee" in the throes of passion. Yup, she was short lived. The Writer was telling me he would crack up when this woman he dated would yell out that she was "worshipping his magnificent erection." I suspect the exalted erection would wane with such praise, proud yet sensitive as they tend to be. I have had men ask if I would have "intercourse" with them. Flashes of the cold steel table at my gyno and the icy cold metal duck bills he shoves up in me come to mind with that word. I have said this before; I would have much greater respect for the man that tells me he wants to crank some Zeppelin, spank my ass and then fuck me like the bitch that I am. THAT has power....
Today's homework is let me know which words turn you off...and turn you ON....

Monday, ugh

Mondays seem to roll around much more quickly than Fridays. Am I the only one that notices these things? I have so much to do today and I just have lost my work ethic. I had a date Friday night with the Animator2.0. He was nice and all but I believe our political viewpoints are so divergent that we will not be able to bridge that gap. He is quitting his high paying job doing film animation in order to install solar panels. Yes, you read that correctly. Tree hugging, hippie freak. I squandered the rest of the weekend making jambalya and chatting with men from the Dirty Filthy web site. There are a lot of lonely people out there. Lots of dickheads too. Speaking of dickheads, I have not heard from the Screenwriter since last Thursday. Not sure what that is about but I suspect it has something to do with having a girlfriend. I wasted a month of my time waiting for something to happen there. No more! I felt like I was one of my dogs....they will sit and just stare at me...do something! Do something now! At some point, I just stopped needing to understand what makes these guys tick. I really don't need to know the reason he hasn't called, it is the result that matters. I have been too busy filling my pipeline to notice. Or care. Just a quick update...I have to get back to work. Sigh.

More Amy....

This song is the bomb. Cannot forget this is part of the Frank obsession. Also You know I'm no Good off of Back to Black. Just cannot post all of them here.

For one tiny minute......

So I just heard from the Screenwriter. I presume that his "company" has gone and from the tepid text I just got from him my guess would be that he has had his pipes thoroughly cleaned and he's just not that into me. Oh well, was fun to think about for a tiny minute but back to reality. I am annoyed really. Whatever the case, the dirty thoughts he has inspired must be flying through space right now. I have been contacted by Skeptic, San Fran and the Cracker over the last week. It is like I am sending out the "slut satellite" to any that are tuned into my frequency. Tonight, I am going to see a band with a group of friends at Cafe Cordillair just staggering distance from my pad. Very convenient. Tomorrow, I am going to a housewarming party for my buddy Mr. Lexis. Should be fun, his friends are all really cool. Thinking there will be some guitar hero action. Other than that, I may go try my hand at Thai curry over at HottieEsq's house this weekend. Maybe I will finally get all of my closets cleaned out and my junk over to Goodwill. Nah, that would be just too productive.

Amy Winehouse Anthems

I have not been able to stop listening to Frank. These two lil ditties are the culprits. The Screenwriter has "company" and I won't hear from him until tomorrow. "Company" translates to chick right? Ughhhhh!

Why bother anymore?

Mo' Jo

My juices must be flowing. NBC Exec met me and HottieEsq out at the Chimney Sweep last night. I will say, the novelty of being a Sweep VIP will never wear off. HottieEsq and I were gestured to the front of the line by our favorite bartender there. We walked in with the requisite hair flip in the faces of those still relegated to the indignity of standing in line to get into this dump. HottieEsq was already tipsy (thinking of that song now, everybody gettin' tipsy) which made the walk somewhat interesting...she bounced off several poles, bushes and wandered into the street at one point but we made it in one piece. NBC Exec met us inside and he was similarly buzzed having just returned from some Golden Globe event. He was randy....I felt like I was one of those cartoon character pork chops and he was the slobbering wolf looking to snap it up. We spent the night flirting via text...gotta love technology. I teeeeeased him mercilessly. I have no intention of hooking up with him for several reasons but it was fun nonetheless. I made him crazy which was plenty satisfying for me. HottieEsq decided the tables on the outside patio would be a great place to take a nappy so we decided to leave. This morning she is still not understanding why the bouncer might have a problem with that, seemed a perfectly reasonable course of action to her. Got her sorry ass up to my sofa and stopped talking to her once she started babbling nonsequitur sentences. Continued to text NBC Exec until about 2:30. Should have given him something to wrap his arms around.....or hand in this instance. All in all, it was a very fun night and I am loving my new found Mojo. I missed it!

I'm the Stalker

Another Saturday morning nursing a wicked hangover. Spent the night drinking and gossiping with some of the knitting members of the Filthy and Gorgeous posse. Good times! That is until I woke up this morning of course. Haven't chatted with the Screenwriter much over the last couple of days.....he accused me of being stalkery and unhealthy (mentally.) Guess I am guilty as charged. I just haven't met anyone I like this much in a while. I don't know if it is a bonus that he is level headed or if that will be my downfall. I will just try to chillax and enjoy the ride. Y'all know how hard that is for me. My stalker tendencies are also fueled by the fact I just really want to get laid. As many of you are aware, it has been quite a while for our girl Kat here. I am hoping the phrase "use it or lose it" does not apply to my little bean. I suppose I should appreciate his desire to take things slow in order to ensure we are a good match on every level. If you look at the contents of this blog, I clearly am no expert on developing relationships so I should defer to his better judgement. I tend to get myself in trouble by jumping in with my eyes closed so I will do my best to be patient and let whatever is going to happen happen. Why is that so difficult? I don't want to fuck up something that could be good by rushing in and I don't want to get into something bad (again) either. Oh dear.....time will tell. Speaking of bad, I saw Mantits with his new gf (ahem) going to the grocery store last weekend. Wow, she is naschty!!! Heavy, mom jeans, out of control hair, no make-up....I honestly would have mistaken her for a dyke if I saw her out. He sure traded up didn't he?? Is it wrong that I derive so much pleasure from that? One of his parting jabs of, "do you think you can do better than me?? Do you?!?!" And my response of, "I have and I will." went through my head when I saw him. HA! I bet he made her pay for half of the groceries. Cheap bastard as well. Mr. Fantastic noted that our relationship was so Dutch, we should be wearing wooden shoes. "You only dated me for my money!" I will try to remember this monumental mistake when I am getting impatient with the Screenwriter. Serenity now.

Bum Deal

They say your external environment reflects your internal environment. Looking around my apartment I realize that I am a fucking mess. I am wondering if this is a sign of some sort of mental illness or that I have just given up caring. Like wearing sweatpants all the time. That is the fashion equalivent I think. So, I met the Screenwriter last night and he was very cute in real life. I haven't heard from him today so I am thinking that is not a good sign. Insert deep sigh here________. I have been a little obsessed with him this week and my work has suffered. I will say he gives a mighty fine mind fuck. Just having sex on the brain has had some unanticipated side effects; pheramones a go go! I have been hit on so many times this week it is unbelievable! I was invited to swing with a couple here in the SFV, cute guy at the grocery store, a customer even. Sadly, I only have eyes for the Screenwriter now. Who isn't calling. Ugh! I am trying to find some sort of ironic twist or meaningful connection for this blog entry but it ain't coming to me. This just sucks. Skeptic teased me last Friday with the potential for sex, then blew me off. And a blast from the past, the Animator is sniffin' round again. He dumped me for a 22yr old so I don't think I am going to go back there. Interesting beginning to the New Year....everything old is new again and the new is getting old. Hey, that was some sort of insightful commentary?? Maybe I still got it.

Back in the Saddle...not

I haven't had much to say to the Filthy and Gorgeous Posse lately. Work has been monopolizing my time then back to Chicago for the holidays. I decided Friday that I just needed to get laid with no strings or hoop jumping and went back onto the Dirty Filthy web site. As you might imagine there are many that would happily take me up on my offer. I chatted with a lot of guys; I got the usual jerks that think that "hi, are you horny? Wanna fuck?" is going to get me (or any woman for that matter) to run right out and drop my nickers for them the sweet talking Cyranos they are. Or guys with the screen names like Lonelyguy instant messaging, "why won't anybody talk to me? Why won't you send me your picture? I am so lonely!" I thought about messaging him back to say he should change his name to something like IAmAPatheticLoserAndJustShootMeNow or IShouldJustGetUsedToALifeOfMasturbation but I decided that would be mean and let it go. Mixed in with the group of under-sexed predators I chatted with someone that was witty and intelligent and a breath of fresh air. Going to keep this one on the down low for a while I think. I am hoping the muse will strike and I will feel the urge to write again but until then don't expect a lot from me. Happy New Year to whomever is still reading my grossly neglected blog. I hope I can get back to this, I do miss it. By the way, I signed into my email tonight and I got the message, Adult FriendFinder 69 members are interested in Spankie. I thought that was funny. Kat